Detroit Free Press from Detroit, Michigan • Page 28

I feature papa Call features: 222-6828 DETROIT FREE PRESSFRIDAY, MARCH 4, 1988 1 1 Off the Leash by W.B. Park Some thoughts from former Michiganders teve Coppola, Chicago: "Neat to see Michigan tourism commercials on TV over here. How come weathermen can say we'll have 'anywhere from three to six inches of II Bob QJMl Talbsrt snow' when I can't tell my boss it'll take 'anywhere from three to six weeks for me to I a i complete a project? Whenever you have more than one backseat driver you have a steering committee I'm getting fed up with the chocolate falling off my Dove Bars every time I bite them. Does anyone ever use their microwave ovens on any power setting other than high? I can't help but be suspicious of the occasional deformed One nice thing about being here is I'll be able to watch Gibby beat up on the Cubbies." Tom Tabatowski, Durham, N.C.: would look even better if they fixed up their hair." J.L. Ikens, Brighton: "Things you can't learn from your father without him yelling in the process: the fundamentals of golf, stick-shift driving and the use of power tools How old do you have to be to appreciate the hassle of having to have your ID checked at the bar? Rotten game show consolation prizes: Lee Nails, Dinty Moore Stew, Pop Tarts and Turtle Wax! You know it's gonna be a bad day when you open the medicine cabinet in the morning and your toothbrush falls in the toilet." Darlene (Big Red) Longo, Berkley: "Has anyone noticed how depressing Billy Crystal has become.

Turned into one of his own characters, I guess Speaking of catalogs: I'd like to match up the girls from Victoria's Secret with the guys from International Male and see how many mirrors they'd need in a room to admire themselves. Pet Peeve: Why do they add scores of ingredients to products and then charge us more to take them out? It was only a matter of time: Videotapes of a fire burning in a That's what we get for using terms like 'state of the Have you noticed that of all your many writers the men always have the caustic, cutting humor, while the women are more prone to gentle, sociological comments that don't sting. by Garry Trudcau An Indecisive pointer. try looking away from your TV screen sometime when Richard Gephardt is speaking. His voice sounds like that of the late Duke himself, John Wayne.

As a kid you always wanted to be Lou Costello or Smiley Burnette. I always wanted to be Buck Jones or George O'Brien." Regency Benny, Toledo, Ohio: "Instead of alcohol-free sections at Tiger Stadium, how about alcohol-free days? Try it on Sundays or Family Night. In the Look-alike, sound-alike, act-alike category: Isn't Robert Redford becoming Dick Van Dyke? The only bumper sticker we really need is 'Bumper Stickers show a lack of Pidgee of Walled Lake: "It must be hard for movie and television stars to constantly be reminded of the aging process when old clips from the glory days are shown again and again. The rest of us conveniently hide our old movies and forget where we put them! I've been a fan of Channel 7's 'Kelly Company' since its beginning but have to "Wintry thoughts of a displaced Detroiter: Winter ended here a month and a half ago It snowed a grand total of six inches with schools closing for eight days 34 degrees is described in Detroit as 'mild' is 'freezing' Dick Van Dyke, Robert Redford: Look-alike, act-alike, sound-alike? admit I've been switching to 'Geraldo' the past few weeks. Kelly's shows have been b-o-r-i-n-g.

They obviously need a new producer to beef up the program or concede their reign has ended here in Detroit." Jilly of Trenton: "Does anyone really put all that stuff on a rice cake? Look-alikes: 'Good Morning America's' news anchor Edie Magnus and 'LA Law's' Michele Greene. I wish I had more opportunities to use the video camera I couldn't wait to get. Why do so many good movies come out when I have so little time to go see them? Has Davey Marlin-Jones turned into Dr. Red Duke? I could never understand how people could go on vacation over the holidays and be away from family festivities until I got in-laws. This may sound catty, but some of the people in the Weight-Loss Clinic ads James J.

yj Ifflpatrick on words here. Gambling in Detroit? We don't even have racetracks or a lottery. The local media has ignored the Winter Olympics, yet stock car races are carried live on radio in stereo!" Rich Hanlon, Sylvania, Ohio: "Since his operation, CNN's Larry King seems to be much more human and less curt than before. Speaking of Look-alikes, sound-alikes, Dooncsbuiy TODAY'S TEST Headed for court A CROUD QUICKLY FORMBP. theoutsider showed up next WHAT? OJTRA6B0U5! HOLPSTIU, AT TUB LOCAL STOP N'SHOP.

Do you remember what you've read in your KJI" HI' Ul HJ I 3 FOR 894 I Free Press this week? Answers below. NO, MA'AM. AFTER THBY FINISH 'SLAPPING PUT AND TAXES ON IT, A SINGLE ORANGE RETAILS FOR, 162.50! MA'AM, PO YOU KN06U HOW MUCH A KOREAN HOME-MAKER MTS FOR THIS CALIFORNIA ORANGE 1. Which of the following is Pat Robertson ml lK V. II 1 I 7.

i A I I suing for libel? "MALI Bakker Bush Carson Dole Hustler Kemp McCloskey Newsweek Playboy Reagan Swaggart Time I Homophones spell plenty of trouble A couple of months have passed since we last romped around in the fertile fields of homophones. These thistles of language give unceasing trouble. Thus the Plain Dealer in Cleveland last fall headlined a story from Miami: "Floridians getting the right to bare arms." This was a right Floridians have had forever. At about the same time, the University of Florida sent out a press release: "Almost 30 percent of American couples of child baring age are unable to have children." We bear arms and bear Can we all get straight on faze and phase? In Medford, the Mail Tribune ran an inch-high headline: "Market Unphased by Iran." Even Dagwood Bumstead got in the act. When Dagwood wouldn't wake up one morning, Blondie and the kids gave him a futile soaking: "The ice water didn't phase him." Enough! The wanted word was faze.

A teacher at Florida International University reviewed a book about slavery, a practice that exacted its toll "in compromising the fundamental tenants of democracy." Come now! Tenets, anyone? The American Bar Association Journal in 1986 discussed a "violation of the cannon" on a lawyer's duty in bankruptcy cases. Canons to the right of them, canons to the left of them, into litigation ride the attorneys. The Associated Press, covering the chaos in Haiti, quoted a survivor of a gun battle: "I ducked behind a telephone poll." The Birmingham (Ala.) News had a political item: "A nationwide pole released Friday showed The York (Pa.) Dispatch described a conveyor system developed by a local inventor. It "pulls the proper pallet off a rack and sends it up a conveyor shoot." That's a chute, like what you chump out of planes with. Thinking of pallets, palettes and palates: The Indianapolis Star provided a peanut butter recipe for a mature palette.

A columnist in the Harrisburg (Pa.) Patriot, not to be outdone, described his travails as an amateur painter on a farm: "Hens scratched and gurgled and clawed bits of dirt onto my palate." The gentleman got a taste of country living, that's for sure. The lingo of repair people Eiiiy Graham On drug use We had a malfunction recently in our alarm system and a man came to check it. When I asked him what the problem was he said, "One of the little wires is sick." I felt he was talking 2. Which of the following did NOT win an award on Grammy night? Baker Franklin Houston Jackson Lateef Robinson Solti U2 Watley Williams Winans Wonder 3. R.H.

Macy, of New York department store fame, has pledged itself to a merger with Campeau Dayton-Hudson Federated Gimbel's Kmart Kresge Penney Sears Toys 'R' Us Wal-Mart Woolworth 4. The murder rate in Detroit has fallen behind that in Baltimore Boston Chicago Washington New Orleans Houston Los Angeles Miami Dallas New York Philadelphia San Francisco 5. Free Press columnist Mitch Albom has apparently aroused the ire of Anderson Blanchard Ford Gibson Harwell Hernandez McCarthy Monaghan Riegle Talbert Thomas Young 6. Harvey Kuenn 's death recalled a deal that sent him to Cleveland for Auker Boudreau Bridges Cochrane Colavito Goslin Horton Kaline McAuhffe Rogell Rowe Slaughter Today's Test answers 1. Former California Congressman Pete McCloskey (concerning statements about Robertson's war record).

2. Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder. 3. Federated Department Stores Inc. 4.

Washington, D.C. 5. Willie Hernandez. (At least Willie doused him with a bucket of ice water.) 6. Rocky Colavito.

Mother Goose 8 Grimm PR Erma Bombeck down to me so I said, "Could you get a little more technical than that?" He said, "We were getting a silent signal when your toggle switch was inadvertently moved to the program position, so I reset it and checked to see if natives all sound as if they have a mouth full of Novocain. Besides, there are 56 known dialects to the language. There's electrical, plumbing, refrigeration, termite control, roofing and siding, painting and washer repair. When we were building the house, it was like visiting the Tower of Babel. Everyone was speaking his own language at the same time.

I remember saying something to the electrician about splicing a lot of wires together so two switches could have their hearts beat as one and they laughed for a week. As the alarm system repairman prepared to leave, I said, "I understand why you weren't too technical. My job is the same way. I'm a writer and if I told you my creative level was stagnating and that cadences and insights were eluding me, you wouldn't know what I was talking about either." He said, "It means you don't have an idea for a column." The man is obviously bilingual. Is it true the Bible says nothing about drugs? I used to feel guilty when I took them, but now I know drugs can help me and make me more creative.

D.M. Am No, it is not true the Bible is silent about such things. The Bible condemns the use of any substance that distorts our thinking, including alcohol. Drug use is among the "acts of the sinful nature" in Galatians that God will judge. Your letter concerns me greatly because it's clear you have allowed yourself to be deceived and enslaved by drugs.

You are on a dead-end road, in spite of what you tell yourself. The Bible says, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him" (1 Peter First, admit your helplessness and turn to Christ for forgiveness and strength. Then surround yourself with His Word and with His people who can help you fight this problem.

there were any problem zones from the protective circuit due to winds the other night." I said, "Does that mean the boo-boo is gone and the sick wire will wear a fuzzy smile now?" He nodded. For years I've been trying to speak the language of repairmanese, but the Bsttclou Petersoa I what happened to by Mike Peters L.M. Boyd A little rain never hurt He made career out of playing hulking villains Q. What ever happened to Laird Cregar who starred in "The Robert del Valle, Albert Einstein timed how long it took his hat to dry when he came in out of the rain. He also timed how long it took his hair to dry when he didn't wear his hat on a rainy day.

His hair dried more quickly. So he didn't wear his hat in the rain anymore. What gives an orange its orange color isn't ripeness, but cold weather. You know what the pulp producers use to make that sheet of paper white? Ordinary chlorine bleach. That vicious fish called the barracuda got its name from a Spanish word for "overlapping teeth." Pontiac.

Stats: Born July 28, 1916 as Samuel Laird Cregar in Philadelphia, Pa. Educated in England and studied theater at the Pasadena (Calif.) Playhouse. Never married. Early years: A tall, heavy man, Cregar worked at several odd jobs including as a nightclub bouncer before he broke into the movies in 1940. He made his Hootin', hollerin' and hormones give KO's punch debut in "Granny Get Your Gun." Hollywood days: He was signed to a 20th Century Fox contract and made his reputation playing hulking villains in movies like "Hudson's Bay," "Blood and Sand," "I Wake Up Screaming" and "The Black Swan." Famous for: He achieved stardom as Jack the Ripper in "The Lodcer" and another et's see, you could call it many things.

Fox boxing. World's largest stag party. Or further evidence of the impending end of civilization as we now know it. Dotty equally villainous Victorian in Laird Cregar "Hangover Square" both released in 1945. In the end: He never got to enjoy his stardom.

Cregar died at 28 in 1944, of a heart attack brought on by excessive dieting. Write What happened to Detroit Free Press, 321 W. Lafayette Detroit 48231. Pot-Shots by Ashleigh Brilliant whap-whap. The audience didn't seem to mind anyway.

"It's gonna be more like a cat fight in there than when they box with gloves like they have all over the world," announced carnality barker Korka. "I like to get'em rowdy," said Korka, a well-tanned former keyboard player in Rick James' Stone City Band. "If they don't get rowdy, it's not fun. I like the hecklers too." Like, however, did not include the rude dweeb behavior by a well-waffled few, who started tossing bar flotsam stageward toward the end of the show. "Gentlemen," said Korka, ever the diplomat.

"I know you're drunk, but don't throw ice cubes and spitballs at the girls." Indeed. But for the most part, it was your basic "Animal House" boys night out. Testosterone uber alles. And the rowdy spirit of Bluto Blutarski hovered in the air. To-ga, to-ga, to-ga.

"You've got the high class clientele like Thomas Hearns, you aren't surrounded by sleazebags," said one young man knocked out by the Knockouts. "I don't mind hootin' and hollerin' and high fivin' and drinking some beer. I love a beautiful body as much as anybody." Ah yes, pity the poor victims of hormone-induced stupidity. You rang? night was Thomas Hearns, who was introduced from the audience to much applause. "Yo, Thomas! You'll kill Hagler next time!" Meanwhile, back up onstage, with the sound system cranking up the hard rock for some manic attitude inducement, the Knockouts did their wild thing: a little bump, a little grind, a bit of PG-13 striptease and, finally, some body slamming in a teensy, well-padded ring at centerstage.

Alas, the Michigan Athletic Board of Control had dealt the Knockouts a low blow. Unless the Knockouts agreed to abide by board rules and cover up those very pretty hardbodies with plenty of protective padding, they would be prohibited from wearing their extra-large, 16-ounce gloves to box. No deal, decided the Knockouts' hierarchy. "It's ridiculous. They don't really box.

They're entertainers they put on a show," said promoter Sam Locricchio of Blue Moon Entertainment, who, along with his partner, ex-con and former Tigers pitcher Denny McLain, brought the Knockouts in. Brave entertainment troopers that they are, the Knockouts refused to pout. They went out there gloveless and they mostly rassled. They also sort of kick-boxed and they did an eensy-weensy bit of bare-knuckled But me pop culture enthusiast and aficionado of the sociologically daft I will call it trashy, freakazoid fun. Main Jane and other similarly sane women might have a somewhat different perspective.

We are speaking of the Beverly Hills Knockouts, the current attraction at the Premier Center in Sterling Heights. The Knockouts do not display the same show business musical talents as the more typical performers who appear at the Premier. Miteclub folks like Lou Rawls or Natalie Cole ir the Oak Ridge Boys. What the Beverly Hills Knockouts do is xx. Well, sort of.

What they really do is flaunt their perfect lardbodies for the amusement and hormonal iistraction of audiences made up largely of ftmng, howling beer-fueled men. The big sleaze? More like the big tease. "Gentlemen, I would like you to put your lands together for the most beautiful girls in wxing," hollered long-haired Craig Korka, a 4el Gibson look-alike who serves as the raveling carnality barker and ringmaster of ceremonies. This was Tuesday night, the first night of a five-day Premier run for the Knockouts that concludes Saturday. And how was the opening night crowd? Large and very geeked up.

The Premier was pretty well jammed with 530 revelers who had paid $10 a head for ogling privileges. On a Tuesday night' You got it. The Beverly Hills Knockouts are made up of young California nymphets from the centerfold gene pool. Women with candyland names like Lisa Lisa, Suzi St. Clair, Darci DuBois and Anna Capri; women who have appeared in the pages of Penthouse or in movies like "Hardbodies" and rock videos such as Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls." The Knockouts are to boxing what the women of "G.L.O.W.: Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling" are to the grappling science: All hoopla and make-believe.

The only real boxer in the place Tuesday I ONLY STAY AWAKE TO HELP PASS THE TIME BETWEEN DREAMS..