Detroit Free Press from Detroit, Michigan • Page 15

,4 iMroil inrcc )ve I i id Sad A Feature Page wer Pli RPortfs Together, Am one 15-A THURSDAY, JULY 13. 1972 Thoughts a I Larje: Small-Town Slandol! "Y4L i I s- -mi 4 I'VE GOT THIS terribly guilty feeling. Every time 1 turn around, someone asks me, "And what else do you do besides write a newspaper column?" Or, after explaining the hard work, devotion and research that goes into a column, some jerk asks, "Is that all you do?" What else! Is that all! Seven days a week In the Free Press and they ask "What else?" or "Is that all?" In year's time I grind out enough words for a couple of novels, a collection of short stories, a three-act play, plus ten movie scenarios and a couple of TV shows. All right, I'll admit that it takes me maybe an hour tops physically to type out a column. Sometimes I write 'cm, but most times I just type 'cm.

Columns that are typed are the collections of notes and names and assorted pearls of wisdom that come from Hither and Yon (a public relations firm in parternership with To and Fro, dealing in filling up newspaper columns. The columns that are "written" are the one-subject kind that sort of write themselves. They've been banging around in my head for a few days before they get to writing themselves. Sometimes I keep them in the ol' noggin for weeks at a time, which creates some terrific migraines, let me tell you. AS I'VE SAID, it takes a physical hour's work getting these words on paper, typed or written, unless the phone rings.

Or the mail arrives. Or the office door opens. Or anyone moseyes by my desk. I'm easily distracted. In fact, I love arty and all interruptions.

I was born to be a procas-tinator. But like a shepherd and a philosopher, there isn't much call for my line of work. Of all the interruptions and distractions, I love the telephone calls best. I love 'em for two reasons: first, people are surprised to get the straight off without a bevy of secretaries to go through; and when they get me they're completely thrown by my Southern accent. Something about Michigan Bell equipment that makes who told me in April, "You just hac to come and see for yoursef and bring a photographer." Wonder how long chicken fat holds up 'cause we never did get around to going? 3.

An investigation of the Detroit Police Department by Egbert Plot, who swears, "I got a speeding ticket for going 65 in a 35-mile zone and I wasn't going a mile over 45." 4. Wilton Flowers grew a 36-inch turnip in the shape of George Washington's nose behind his tire-recapping shop. 5. Miss Hortense Hack's dramatic reading of her poem entitled: "The Purple Dawn Enhanced by Air Pollution as Seen Through he Eves of a Crippled Young Dove in Love with an Old One-Eyed Hawk." (i. Bruce Truce reveals his plan In run for President on the Free-Mate Ticket, with a platform promoting prejudice, unsholled peanuts, bigotry and Diet Beer.

7. The Mortimer Mumps celebrated their 40th anniversary of being married and also their anniversary of never speaking to each other. 8. Mrs. "I'd Rather Not Say," who had had a quart too many, informed me that "little nude purple men are running around all over my backyard, disintegrating the elastic in my underclothes with their ray guns." I've got her address if you'd care to.

9. A rock group called "Mammas' Little Babies Short'nin' Bread" has just recorded its first record which will sell 16 billion copies in the first two hours if only someone would play it. 10. A tie between 643 people who called with a "really big story" if only they could meet me somewhere "in private" and tell it to me in person and we could share the profits, 60-40. I would like to apologize to those 643 people for not making those "in private" meetings as you can see I stay pretty well tied up on the phone.

I guess that what I do besides write a column. a hillbilly accent even more pronounced. 'Course, not all the calls are great. Those that want to chew me out or point up some dumb error I made in today's column just have (o be endured, but I'm a big boy and can take it. As they say, it goes with the franchise.

But the best calls of all are from people telephoning to give me some "scoops." Some historians maintain that Horace Greeley discovered the first "scoop," in a drawer with some old socks and Western road maps. Others insist Joseph Pulitzer invented the "scoop" one day while testing a new type of dental floss on some vegetarian dogs. One historian resolutely maintains the dog was not a vegetarian, but was eating a bland diet because of an ulcer. Historians are picky, picky, picky. THEY ARE ALL WRONG.

My phone-callers invented the darned things. Some really great scoop-o's, too. In fact, I thought this is as good time as any to give you my list of the Top Ten Scoops of the First Half of 1972: 1. Mrs. Fannie Flannie reports the bright saying of her son Frannie, which breaks her up every morning like clockwork cerise: "I don't want no more oatmeal," says Frannie, who is IS.

2. The unusual Christmas decorations carved out of congealed chicken fat by a near-sighted, hard-of-hearirg neighbor of Gertrude Cainbody, You can't love "humanity" if you don't nv your own country; but you can't love your own country in the right way if you condemn the rest of humanity. Nine persons out of Ifl. asked to name, the "Merchant of Venice," will reply and he is surprised to learn it was not. PEOPLE WHO TALK fast are never taken as seriously as those who talk more slowly: for the commonality of men can't believe that anyone can think as fast as he talks.

Every single minute of the day and night, the body generates as many new cells as the entire population of the world about three billion and people marvel at what "science" can do! As sports became more serious; that is, more mercenary in this country, wc begin to perceive the truth of George Orwell's remark 20 years ago: "Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play it is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence; in other words, it is war minus the shooting." Mankind will begin to reach maturity when ii regards "freedom from" only as a preani file to "freedom for." IT'S TRUE that a small town is friendlier than a big city, but it's also more censorious so what you gain in collective support, yi lose in individual action. Parent's who "can't understand" their children have children who understand that only too well. Those who would like everybody In the country to share their own political persuasion have failed to ponder the truth of Aristotle's observation that "Those who think all virtue is to be found in their own party principles push matters to extremes; they do not consider that disproportion destroys a state." As we grow up, we are swayed either by what we have learned to love, or by what we have learned to hate; and if we have not been given enough models to love, what can we do but build on hate? IT IS MONEY that sets things in motion, but men who determine which way they shall go; money can no more make success than bricks can make houses. What do all these proper names have in common? Cooper, Hetchcr, Wainwright, Jcnner. Chapman, Faulkner, Warner, Crow-ther, Parker, Lorimer, Fuller, Tucker? (Obsolete occupations of their forebears.) By Earl Wilson 1 'PI1W 1 mimimu, i mmmvimiimvvmmJjHriv'mim.

mm hji.u.... m9mvm jmimiwiiuiiin inn i itiwmi I -Jr' in-Vot nir iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii1i1iiiiinhiaiianiiiiifMiiiiiiiiiiiit-iiiiiifi ivm i i'r mi i i i ni i i i i in mm i i nl hi in i a i i m4 Godfrey Too Busy To Relive Con ven lion Overdose Leaves Sour Taste Chess MooJa II I I David Bobby NEW YORK Arthur Godfrey seized me by my beautiful lapels at Count Basic's reopening of the St. Regis Roof and said: "Make clear I have NOT retired! I've only quit CBS." Recounting that he's on Chet Huntley's radio syndicate with 1300 outlets, with 3 TV specials due, plus his auto commercials, Arthur said, "I ain't about to quit work, 1 like it!" Wm. B. Williams, introducing him to the Count Basic fans including Artie Shaw (wearing a bolo tux tie) and Mrs.

Tony Bennett, celebrating her 22d (uh huh, birthday, said, "Arthur's such a salesman, he could sell Martha Mitchell." Beautiful singer Lorna Thompson of West field, N.J., went to an agent at 10 a.m. to audition lor a toothpaste commercial and was told a take her clothes off. Strip for a toothpaste commercial? She thought it strange, politics, being a McGovern delegate from California. AKo, she has campaigned for the South Dakota Senator for a year and was one of the first public figures to come out for him. But Shirley's further excursions into politic-will soon be limited to the typewriter.

She just signed with Norton for a cool $100,000 for the hard-cover, and with Bantam for $250,000 fo: the paperback, to do a book about the current campaign. In addition, Shirley is completing the sequel of her autobiography, "Don't Fall Off 'The Mountain." Whatever happened to sexy Rexy llarri son. Does he work any more and is he married. (j. Savannah, Ga.

Sexy Rexy hates being called that. He working and he is married, fur the fifth tini'v to the ex-wife of actor Richard Harris, om-Elizabeth. They currently in Spain where is filming a version of "Don Quixoto" for the BRC and Universal. At Kl, Harrison i-still handsome, domineering, and, some sav, downright cranky. I know that Bobby Fischer, the chess great, can be pretty difficult about money, but what about the Russian Boris Spassky.

Does he play for the glory of Russia. D.G., Painesville, Ohio. Spassky is just as prickly as Fischer about money. The 3.5-year-old Soviet player just caused a huge scandal by splitting with his long-time coach, claiming creative and business differences. The rumor in chess circles is that Spassky thought that as the world champion he ought to be getting more money than Fischer.

Right now the Russian earn-about $350 a month from his job as a chess coach at a Moscow club plus about $1,800 yearly for tournaments abroad. he official viewpoint is of course that the honor of being world champion ought to be enough and Spas sky shouldn't be so crass. What do young singer David Cassidy's parents think about his absolutely incredible success. J.W., Brainerd, Minn. His mother Evelyn is delighted.

She is basking in reflected glory after years of being overshadowed by ex husband Jack's glittering marriage to Shirley Jones. Though that marriage is now kaput, Shirley is equally delighted with the wild success of her stepson. She works with him as his TV mother in Partridge family" scries and is crazy about him. Another "near-member of the family" is manager Ruth Aarons, who has handled Jack's and Shirley's careers for ages. Ruih finds herself simply swamped these days.

David uppermost in her career-wise mind. 'The only unhappy person seems to be the father, actor Jac Cassidy. ho is basking in reflected, teeth-gritting envy. His marriage is a flop, his ex-wife is reaping the glory of being David's onscreen mother, and his own recent play effort died aborning. They say if you want to make friends with Jack nowadays, don't say anything to him about another show business star, little David.

Do you think there are hawks and doves in the Soviet Government just like ours. S. St. Joseph, Mich. Yes, and the feathers flew recently when outspoken hawks tried to head off the Nixon summit meeting in Moscow after the mining of North Vietnamese ports.

Communist official Pyotr Shelest, a well-known hawk, lost his important job as party leader of the Ukraine, and Soviet watchers see this as a big win for the doves. Shelest was demoted to a much less important job and this is the biggest switch in the Soviet Union since the fall of Mr. Khrushchev eight years ago. Is Shirley MacLaine now going to run for political office. W.N., Youngstown, Ohio.

Well, she is very involved with liberal too, and iluln t. Oouirey Cambridge had a heart attack in LA hut is recovering though still in intensive care in Ml. Sinai Reprinted by popular demand: My only poem: "Girls who wear slacks Please by a I I means-Make sure your end-Justifies your jeans." The U.S. is preparing extradition papers for Meyer Lan-sky figuring Israel will boot him "Ping Pong brought America and China together, chess is keeping Russia and America apart," noted Harry Hershfield. Publicist Bernie Kflmber said Bobby Fischer's Armed Forces." Dewey and his manager, Herbert Brownell, found the title so hard to beat that they wore themselves out referring to FDR and his Cabinet as "Those tired old men in Washington." Nothing is as it seems.

The Republican party blamed their own man, Herbert Hoover, for the Great Depression. Richard E. Berlin, his friend, arranged for me to meet Hoover when he was 85. The Iowa engineer was no more responsible for that Depression than a Chinese kid who sneezes is responsible for Asian flu sweeping the world. The GOP refused to invite Hoover to conventions or party councils between 1932 1956.

Then, as I sat in the Cow Palace in California, I heard the strains of "Hail to the Chief" and out of a cadre of Secret Service men, the plump smile of Hoover emerged forgiven at last. The delegates whooped and hollered. Then they nominated Dwight D. Eisenhower, victim of a heart attack. In the 1960 election, John Kennedy drew 34.227,000 votes; Richard Nixon got Tight? One became President of the United Stales; the other became unemployed.

SOMETHING IS WRONG with the system, or something is wrong with me. I can appreciate naked greed; I just can't tolerate it when it is wrapped in patriotism and the American flag. Nor can I feel anyway but sick to know that state delegations must now have a representative number of women, blacks and youth. Obviously, this gives an unfair advantage to minorities. I would prefer that all who wish to be delegates to a national convention stand for election not as women, or men, or blacks or whites but as persons qualified to scheme, to plot, and to lie in favor of the spoils system.

Of one thing you children may be certain. The Republican convention is going to be so orderly that if. away back in Westchester County, N.Y., Martha Mitchell coughs, she may stampede the delegations into a wild parade THIS TYPEWRITER IS about 45 minutes by oxcart from the Democratic National Convention but I didn't attend. This applies to the Republican National Convention, too. The fault is mine.

I have attended too many of them and I can't imagine anything more dolorous than a third seconding speech for the nomination of Wilbur Mills. Nor the reading of a party platform which is never strong enough for a nominee to stand on and not weak enough for him to fall to his death. In time, the reporter becomes more cynical than the delegates, and that is cynical indeed. The sweaty delegates who grab a microphone hollering hoarsely, "Mr. Chairman.

Mr. Chairman. A point of order," seldom have a point of order. They coin clunky cliches like: "From the rockbound coast of Maine to the sunny of California Increasingly, the political pundits spend time explaining what they think is going to happen because there is so little inspiration in what is happening. My father led me by the hand to Madison Square Garden in 1924 to watch the first one.

Alfred E. Smith and William G. McAdoo forced the Democrats to 102 ballots in a dead heat. Most of the experts, who believe that a party which purges itself in public will lose in November, should restudy the Democratic Convention of 1932 in Chicago. Al Smith fought for one more try at the Presidency.

His protege, Governor Franklin D. Roosevelt of New York, broke the party wide open in a battle to kill his mentor. Matters got so out of hand that Smith's floor manager, Frank Hague of Jersey City, stooped to a new low when he stated: "If you cannot nominate Smith, for God's sake don't nominate a cripple." The cripple won, fought a great Depression and a great war. He was elected to four terms and Bob Hope said: "I alwavs voted for Roosevelt. So did my father." When Roosevelt ran for a fourth term Bgainsl Thomas E.

Dewey, FDR resorted to iin unfair subterfuge. The nation was in the final year of a great war, and he ran, not as President, but as "Commander-in-Chief of the Arthur Godfrey: Snys He's Still Busy Man i iu i mii WMwrmi i i ilwl i press agenting promotion of himself chess was greatest in world history and he's not even a press agent. Mrs. Ted Lewis, back from Circleville, where they'll have a museum for Ted, proudly recalled that Ted was the first "king of Rector's in '17 and the Bal Tabarin in '18. Bobby Fischer's a great "pawnographer," says Mike Man-uchc with the worst pun of the year Long John Nebel, who has cancer, says nevertheless he's in good health, hasn't vacationed in 16 years and will be on another radio station after leaving WNBC Aug.

11. He's departing because sports pre-emptions hurt his ratings. The Automat on B'way near 46th now has "lie entertainment," plumpish "The One Only Edna 1 haver," singing "Don't Dunk a Doughnut It You Don't Know How to Dunk" and other numbers at an upright piano, loud-speakered to the street. One couple danced near their table, then Edna played the tambourine. It's B'way's newest night spot no cover, no minimum, no headwaitcr.

Sam Goldwyn here with his movie, "Come Back, Charleston Blue," remembered when his father, who made lunch an event, with his own chef and butler, went to lunch with Howard Hughes. The latter reached in a drawer and pulled out a stale sandwich and carton of milk. THE MIDNIGHT EARL Joe Namath'll sign one of the biggest contracts yet," and "it may not be with the Jets," says our Secret Source, adding that there'll be vast excitement For a ticket to a major rock concert, some fans are offering $500 worth of cocaine Tony Randall got a raise for his TV series, "The Odd Couple." George Shearing said another pretty fair pianist Count Basie will play at the wedding of George's dir. Wendy to James Cunningham Producer Alexander Cohen's talking to Melba Moore about a B'way musical and a TV special. TODAY'S BEST LAUGH: A midtown store advertised a sale of $4.95 toasters, and a competitor next door put up its own sign: "We repair $4.95 Toasters." WISH I'D SAID THAT: Sign in a Third Ave.

bar: "If you're enjoying our TV reception, you've had enough to drink. Wc don't have a TV set." tJ 'riiiTi-Miwii hi IT in iiiiilit imii 1 1 mi ii iiii nmirr li -tin Young Doctor's Wik Says She's Inferior Girl, 16, Troubled By Perspiration liable (capable of life outside the womb) at 28 weeks of gestation. (Dr. Falkner welcomes questions from readers. While he cannot reply to them all individually, he will answer those of general interest in his column.

Write to Dr. Frank Falkner, Box 2022, Detroit 48231 YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY Doctor's 'Assignment' Explained Dear Dr. Brothers: My husband has just graduated from medical school, where he was an honor student. He has a brilliant career ahead of him and I'm already concerned about holding onto him even though we've been married less than a year. What troubles me is that I've only had two years of college and 1 worry that he will get bored with me when he meets other attractive women.

At the moment, I'm considered very pretty but I know this won't last forever. A. L. Dear A. You're right in not relying on your physical beauty.

Even if by some miracle beauty could last forever both sexes need to develop themselves to their maximum potential to enjoy fulfilling and rewarding lives. The number of years of college you've had is unimportant if you continue your education through reading and keep your interests alive and expanding. Unfortunately, many women who marry successful men do not continue to grow. Since you have no children you might even want to go back to school and complete your own education in whatever field interests you most. Since you're married to a doctor you must expect to spend a great deal of time alone.

Most doctors have many demands on their time. Wise women would develop interests so that they do not resent their husbands' professional demands. You must also expect that your husband's interest will center more and more on his profession and less and less on his home. If your interests are limited to what you feed your children, or what color you want your wall paper to be, you may discover that your hus band will find more stimulating companions in women in his own profession. I don't mean to suggest you enter your hus-.

band's profession to keep your relationship exciting and alive. You might go into an entirely different field, but whatever you choose, you should be sure you are developing your mind in an area that will give you some basis of exchange with your husband. Sometimes, a doctor or a lawyer is delighted to gel away from "shop talk" and to hear about some new and stimulating developments in other fields. BE GLAD YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE and don't allow yourself to become sloppy just lie-cause you're married, or because you're riot dining in some special restaurant. Investigators at Indiana University and the University of Minnesota made a study ol hundreds of couples and found that happy, well-adjusted couples also rated high on attractiveness.

The happiest couples were those where both husband and wife were somewhat equally attractive. Dr. George Vaillant, a Harvard Medical School psychiatrist did some research on doctors, and found that they tend to have more emotional problems than laymen. He suggests that perhaps some physicians choose work that involves direct care to others in order to render the care they themselves did not have in childhood. He found that a high number ot doctors had unstable childhoods.

If this happens to be. true of your husband, it may mean he needs much understanding. In general, if you concentrate on developing yourself so that you are happy and contented, you probably need not worry about holding the interest of others, including your husband. a BY FRANK FALKNER, M.D. DEAR DR.

FALKNER: I'm 16 (girl) and ever since I was II I have had a terrible perspiration problem. I shower very often and use every kind of deodorant. 1 take salt tablets, too and I feel healthy. ANSWER: Healthy young people like you have a tremendous variation in the sensitivity of their body temperature control mechanisms One or the ways you and 1 control this temperature is by losing water (and minerals) through our sweat glands. Also, we all have sweat glands that themselves vary in activity and efficiency.

Your body works fine in this regard, though I recognize it's "going too far" and it's a nuisance to you. You are sensible to take salt tablets in very hot weather to replace the salt you are losing in the perspiration fluid. But 1 fear it won't stop the problem. Remember that there are anti-perspirants rather than deodorants, and you need to concentrate upon the former. A high school teenager asks: What is gestation? At what time does the unborn baby live I mean, could live outside? ANSWER: Gestation is the length of time from fertilization of the human female egg (conception) until the birth process starts.

On verage, this is 40 weeks. he unborn baby (fetus) is considered, by an arbitrary international agreement, to be number when you apply. If you have a social security number of your own, you'll need that number also. However, do not delay filing your application because you dom't have all of those items at hand. The people at the social security office may be able to help you gel them quickly so there will be no delay the processing of your claim.

Address questions to Social Security, Box 2022, Detroit 48231. Answers will appear here or be mailed. he enters and his estimated earnings for the year. You should phone your social security office as soon as you know the date your son will enter the Army. Q.

My husband died 3 years ago. I'll be 60 In a few months and I want to apply monthly social security widow's payments. Must 1 wait until I'm 60 to apply? A. NO. You should apply 3 months before you reach CO.

You'll need proof of your age, your marriage certificate and vour husband's social security 11 By RICHARD D. 1 LLL1NG Of The Social Security Administration Q. I 'm a 52-year-old widow getting a monthly social security check for myself and my son, who's now 17. He plans to enlist in the Army. Should I report this to social security? A.

Yes. Since you are receiving a payment because you have a child under 18 in your care, your payment will stop when your son enters the Army. Your son's checks may also stop depending on when nf i i iwtxca j4.Wpiii Vn 1 1 i jiixVjVi..