The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa on September 16, 1896 · Page 7
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The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa · Page 7

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Algona, Iowa
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Wednesday, September 16, 1896
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Page 7
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UPMJB DKB MOINIBI ALGONA, IOWA IWSDKUBBAY tME BAftHfeLdfi WOMAN. *"Age IS—Shte longs to be older eo til to attract men's attention. 16 years^sM begins to foiM & Vague Idea bf what people call a passion, if yeafs-^She talks about love ifi a cottage and dreams ot a tender attfcc- tion free froin sordid interests* J8 years—She silently adores some young man wiio has shown her & lit' fthj attention, 19 years—she is somewhat harder to flease and touch leas amtable, because the papers have given her a flattering liotlce Ht her debut. 20 years—She is called the beauty of the hour, and being proud of her charms becomes haughty in her demeanor, 21 years—She firmly believes in the power of her bright eyes, and expects to inake a brilliant match. 22 years—She refuses an excellent offer because the man is not stylish enough. 23 years—She flirts with all the ; young men, 24 years—She wondere why she is not 'married yet. 25 years—She becomes a little more reserved in manner. 26 years—She begins to think that ehe might be happy'-without marrying an immensely wealthy man. 27 years—She prefers the society of sensible men to flirting. 28 years—She would like to marry a • comfortable living. 29 years—She almost loses hope of ver marrying. 30 years—She dreads the possibility fo' being called an old maid. 31 years—She gives much attention |to her make-up. 32 years—She professes indifference I for dancing, and complains of the difficulty of finding good partners. 33 years—She is astonished the men f neglect a sensible woman for a pretty oll face. 34 years—She affects unfailing good [ humor in conversation with men. 35 years—She is Jealous of every wo- |inan who is praised before her. 36 years—She quarrels with her best ^friend because this one marries. 37 years—She thinks the world a very lonely place. 38 years—She consoles herself in her llonelinees by talking of her friends fwho have made unhappy marriages. 39 years—She becomes cross and fcrabbed. _ 40 years—she iikes 16 pf y into I people's affairs and enjoys a lltlfi mis* " chief making. 41 years—She hopes tHth her money, to tempt sdtne} impecunious youth Into a matrimonial alliance. . 42 years—that hope perishes, afld she becomes a man hater.. 43 years—She takes.,to cards and gossip for daily diet. 44 years—She severely, criticises the bold demeanor of young people of the day. 45 years—She is seized With a violent passion for a handsome distant relative and calls her aunt, 46 years—The marriage of this good looking favorite puts her into a tower* iiig rage. _ , 47 years—She gives up in despair, 48 years—She concentrates her affection on half a dozen cats and dogs. 49 years—She takes into her home a poor relation, who has to take care of her and to bear the brunt of her bad temper. 50 years—She retires from the world entirely and dies a few years after, regretted by none—not even her heirs, to whom she leaves a considerable fortune—From the Old Woman, LATE PATENTED NOVELTIES. A frame to secure cows' tails while milking. An electric cigar lighter and a portable electric torch. A neat little device for removing the pulp from an orange. Fan attachment for rocking chairs, operated by the motion of the chair. A design for a pin badge, consisting of a pitchfork with a bug impaled on each tine. A glass pane in the oven door of a ;ook stove, so that the process of baking can be observed without opening the door. A gymnastic exhibition apparatus whereby a man becomes the arrow and is bodily propelled or ehot from a strong bow. An advertising clock in which the advertisements are kept in continuous movement on an endless roll, by the mechanism of the clock. An interesting novelty, used as a pen- nripter, made in the form of a bird. On squeezing it in the hand the bill opens to grasp the pen. The ''bird's" mouth Is lined with flannel, which wipes the cen clean as it is withdrawn. PENCIL A good corn country is never a sum- lino resort. People -who can't make coffee, never [stop trying. ifi The devil hasn't a monopoly of the lell business. Do love affairs finally give the victim icart -disease? When you loaf, remember the rights if busy people. That man or woman never lived wtoo pas riot a coward. WORTH KNOWING. To salute with the left hand is a fdeadly insult to Mohammedans in the feast. The brain of an idiot contains much I less phosphorus than that of a person f of average mental powers. William.C. Ussery, M. D., of St. Louis I says that the best food for those suffering from typhoid fever is the -banana. In Mexico the meecal plant attains I'euch an enormous size that one of them lhas sufficed for the making of a barrel |of whisky. Destitute Englishmen abroad can .demand to be sent home. They apply fo their consul, who gives notice accordingly to captains of ships about to tail. fora Fifth of a Century a|| forms of , , , KIDNEY and LIVER .PJSEASES, DISEASE but incipient Kidney Disease, ,Bither are Dangerous, Both can be Cwred in time irftb Warner's Safe Cure, ,, ,.,bottle or new rtyle smaller 9B,e t 8t your anuwtet^. AftJ~~ — 1 »ewpt BQ pwljstitut* NEWSY TRIFLES. Tlje fruit season for Georgia growers nils bton one of the most successful ever known. Sixteen out of the eighteen assembly districts ot San Francisco have woman euffrage clubs. ' The cost of a London, four-wheeled cab Is from $350 to ?400, that of a han- eoni about ?350. In Russia the principals in a duel partake of breakfast together before going out to fight. Reform in Cont-t. The Judge—Which le the plaintiff to this case? The Plaintiff—1 am the plaintiff, tour ttonor. The Judge—1 thought the Wife Was the plaintiff? the Plaintiff—I afa the wife, f ouf Honor. The Judge—fh-the dlckehs you are! The Plaintiff—1»ust tour Mbnor en^ tertalas no prejudice against the habli<- Iments of the neW woman. The Judge—Me! Certainly not. At the same time 1 feel It my duty to ih- form you that you don't stand the ghos^ of a show with this jury. The Plaintiff—Why not? The Judge—Because they are nl) married men. Shrill voice from the jury box— You're off, Judge. Pour of us are mar» rled women!—Cleveland Post. i ' . Her Last Heqaent. "One moment," said the fated Quaen of Scots, as she paused at the foot of the scaffold, "I have a last request to make. When you come to bury me, and are about to restore my head to nr-y body, be sure to remember one thing." "•And what is that?" quoth the Impatient warder. "Just try your best to put .It on straight." And the cortege swept on.—Clevelan;' Post. AN OPEN Mother (angrily)—Joe Jefferson! How many times muss I call yo', befo' I can make yo' hear? Joe Jeff—Dunno—Yo' stan' than an' holler, an' I'll sit here an' count. THE CHURCH MILITANT, The First Baptist church, ladian- apolls, has baptized 104 converts since last October. The membership of Woodward Avenue Baptist church of Detroit has grown to 1,056. The Christian Endeavor society now reports 2,700,000 members. There were 30,000 present at the convention in Washington, Rev. Canon Murray, rector of Chiselhurst, England, recently, celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of his settlement in that living, The Rock River conference at Freeport, 111., commencing Sept. 30, will be a notable gathering of ministers of the Methodist Episcopal church. One hundred and 'fifty ministers of New York city have signed an invitation to Rev. J. McNeil, the Scotch evangelist, to visit their city. A Methodist book room is about to' be Instituted and opened in Cleveland. The Methodist Times of that city will have charge of the enterprise. Rev. Dr. George L, Robinson, pastor of the Roxbury, Mass., Presbyterian church, has resigned to accept the pro-, fessorship of Old Testament literature and exegesis in Knox college, Toronto, Canada. In Minnesota there are 4,700 Swedish Baptists. Of these, nearly 1,000 are located in Isanti county, and it is said there is not a railroad, a telegraph, a Roman Catholic, Methodist or Episcopal church, and not a saloon in the county. An interesting side light on the results of the Internationa) Christian Endeavor conventions is given by a letter just received by a young woman in the Northwest territory. She writes: "I am now a missionary among the Indians here, as o, result of the mlcztc-j ary rallv >i«lrt during V-n vc.ii.i9r:.'' Justification. "My dear," said Mrs. Dukane to ner daughter, "I am inexpressibly shocked • to hear you use euch expressions." "What expressions, mamma?" "Didn't I hear you say to your brother,'What's eating you?'" I "I guess you did." « "Well, don't you know that is very J reprehensible slang?" "But, mamma, isn't the word 'eat' a ' synonym for 'consume?' " "Yes, I suppose it is." "Then, mamma, dear, I don't think that your criticism is well founded, for I have often heard you say you were consumed with curiosity."—Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. "Break, Break, Break," "A Loving Mother" writes that her only child, a boy of twenty-one, Is painfully awkward, and she wants to know how he may learn to be graceful. He is eo clumsy he breaks everything he comes in contact with. When a me.ve child he broke the ten commandments and a water pitcher, and his mother ; fears that he will break his neck. We 'would advise "A Loving Mother" to allow her son to try a faro bank. If he succeeds in breaking that she is invited to write again. Very low rates will be made by the Missouri..Kansas & Texas railway for excursions of September iftth twjd 39th, to the south for bojneseefcersand harvesters, For particulars apply t'j the nearest local agent or access James Barker, a. P. A., M,, If, $ T. By,, St. kouis, The "flye s«tioftg of Europe" own 3,810 w»reWps, mwjnting 88,309 gwne, ftU reedy lor Immediate service. Getting Rid of the (itti. Torker Long (a bore)—I tell you fellows, that tooth was a terror! The den- !tlst says to me, he says: "Now, Mr. Long, you've got lots of nerve, and can ( stand pain as well as the next one, but i you'll, have to inhale gas for this tooth!" And I took the gas! Yes, sir, after considerable thought, I decided to j take the gaa, and— An Auditor—Yes, old man, and now 'you're getting rid of it, aren't you? The pad One. "Your pastor bae solemnized a good many marriages of late, hasn't he?" "Yesf he told me the other day that since the first of the year he has caused 117 hearts to beat as fifty-eight and a half," "Where did the half come in?" "Oh, that was when he married a bloomer girl to a postage-stamp co}lector," Cooia Not Stand It, Author (describing play)—Then, In a scene where you trample on all the ties of affection, you— Actor—Cut that out. Author—What is the matter with it? It's a very strong scene. Actor—I don't care, J don't propose to tramp on any ties, It's too sugges* live. Olg»r, What Mrs. t. fi. Bressle Says td American Women. gjft)— W90! »y soul an<J bpfly, grjm.r shaw, this «ig«F fc YlJlSinQUf! It iffiejRs, like a cpn}b4njt}Q9 ? | bjjm.|t£8?, r? $ Speaks ot kef Melflnfclioljr Cofldltlon Artel- the Birth of Her Child. "1 feel as if 1 ifraa doiHjf an in 4 justice to my suffering sisters if 1 did not tell What Lydia fi. finkh&fii's Vegetable Compound has done lor me, and its tvorth to the v?orid. "from the birth of my Child until he was four years old, 1 was in poor health, but feel-- ing convinced that half of the ailments of women were imagined or else cultivated, 1 fought against my bad feelings, until I was obliged to give up. My disease baffled the best doctors. " I was nervoiis, hysterical; my head ached with such a terrible burning sensation on the top, and felt as if a band was drawn tightly above my brow; inflammation of the stomach, no appetite, nausea at the sight of food, indigestion, constipation, bladder and kidney troubles, palpitation of the Iietirt, attacks of melancholia would occur without any provocation whatever, numbness of the limbs, threatening paralysis, and loss of memory to such an extent that I feared aberration of the mind. "A friend advised Lydia E.Pink-ham's Vegetable Compound, and spoke in glowing terms of what it had done for her. " I began its use and gained rapidly. Now I am a living advertisement of its merits. I had not used it a year when I was the envy of the whole town, for my rosy, dimpled, girlish looks and perfect health. •. "I recommend it to all women. I find a great advantage in being able to say, it is by a woman's hands this great boon is given to women. All honor to the name of Lydia E. Pinhhaxn ; wide success to the Vegetable Compound. " Yours in Health, MRS. I. E. BKES- BtK, Herculaneuin, Jefferson Co., Mo." EMERGENCY HINTS. If a vein is severed compress below the spurting surface. Blood in veins returns to the heart. Remember that Irish-potatoes grated and applied as a poultice is a quick and eure relief for scalds and burns. When an artery is severed compress above the spurting surface. Blood from the arteries enters the extremities. When dust gets into the eyes avoid rubbing with the fingers, but dash cold water into them. Remove cinders with a camel's hair brush. ' When choking from any cause gei upon all fours and, cough, if there is no one present to render the old-time assistance of "pounding on the back." If a high fever comes on at evening bathe the> feet and wrap in a blanket, put warm irons to the feet and give aconite in water every hour until the patient is in a "good sweat," then keep well covered. 'In fracture of the skull with compression and loss of consciousness, examine the wound and if possible raise the broken edges of the skull so as to relievo 'he pressure on the brain. Prompt ac- ion will often Pavfi life. HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD. Celery, olives or radishes are placed In flat dishes. Paint can be removed from glass by rubbing it with hot strong vinegar, A little borax added to the water In which flannel and other woolen goods are washed keeps the texture soft. A teaspoonful of the best whisky added to a cup of beef tea for an invalid Js an excellent way to give a stimulant. Patent Ofllve Jfepprt. The Western Patent Office reports tb« following patents issued to lowuiuventors; Tbeosophilis W. Alexander, Burlington, soap slabbing and cutting machine; Win, M. Bai'gev, Webster City, reel currier ; Aruold Beard, Bonaparte, window screen; Geo. Burkett, Missouri Valley, wagon end gate ; Joseph H, Lowery, Neola, pneumatic tiresWeld: Emunuel H, Snyder, Burdette, garden .nilw.Prederieb gjgler,- -Ashg^ve, cross put saw. •s.'e:- SW-SBT,- • • • Des Moiues, !»„ Sept. 9, JS96. Manager. Kindred "Wb«t became of the" Dories ' boys?" 4skecl l he returned native. •" '•Bill stays on the farm," said the resident native, "^ntj Ed went to Sious Falls and opened a la\v office." "Ob! 'One ma«es hay 'and the other makes'graas widows, eh?" ' Friendship. Mistress-^Anna ! Wpat ever nas become of all your pretty Maid— YPU gee, HW'ani, the reginjent has left ouv town, a»d so I fe&ye had to give o, ieek ,pf BJV hati 1 to. several 0? wy * a«? '661 ; ^Ssfi'fiit'lMi™. , fYste^W^ , ,^»*»iy£s CONUNDRUMS. Why are ships always called Because the rigging costs more than ifie hull. If thirty-two Is the freeing t»lnt, fthat id the squeezing point? Two ifi the shade. What does a man take when he hab a mean wife? tie takes ah elixir- Che licks her). Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a hid' ing of the eon. tftfllt*. pleasatit effect and perfect safety With which ladies ttiay use SyrUp of Figs, under all conditions, niakes It their favorite remedy. To get the true and genuine article look for the natne of the California Pig Syrup Company, printed near the bottom of the package. For sale by ail responsible druggists. His Heaven. "Momma, can we order our mansions in the skies lu advance?" "Why, no, Willie. What put that idea Into your hood?" "I thought if we could 1 would order'bfie without a bath room." ' 'Fatal. "I guess I had batter give these biscuits to the first tramp that coin OB alone." said Mrs. Huurjlmuuo with pathetic candor. "No," exclaimed her husband, nervously, '•don't do that. He might throw them at the dog." HlR Anxiety. "I understand that you nre not only a good bookkeeper bnta prominent member of the church?" Applicant—"Yes, sir; but I hope that won't count against me." FITS stopped freo and permanently curort. Ni Its urier drat (lnyV USD of Dr. KlIno'HUreat Nerva Iteslorer. Free t3 trial bottle ami travUse. SonU to Dn. KLINU. 031 Arch St.. PlillaUc](ihia, Pa Teacher—Can you tell me anything about Good Friday, Willie? Willie—Why, .he's a feller that Avalted on Robinson Cruso. If the Baby IB Cutting xeetli, Be mire anil lino Umt old and well-tried remedy. Mn& WINBLOW'S EOOTIUNO STBDP for Children Teething. W. W. Astov recently pnid $7,GOO to an Kuglish grower for the stock of a single variety of rose tree. Hall's Catarrh Care Is taken internally. Price, 75c. In Paris it is required that every vehicle traversing the' streets at night, if only a wheelbarrow, shall carry a lantern. The Duke of York's collection ot postage stamps, which was recently purchased by one of the Rothchilds, was insured 1'or *COO,000. "Neither rhyme nor reason. Now, what could that be, I wonder?" "Why, poetry, of course, you stupid." M. Jean Cayron, ot Vibrac, France, has lust had his twentieth child christened. Eighteen of his children are alive and healthy. , RAM'S HSftNS. f here can t)6 no irowtii wfceW is doubt. When you travel, fom€intfei' is everywhere. There are too nianjf people Whb' one Way and live another. f o put a mountaitt under your mount Up oh the wings df Mtb. There is sure to be A famine In th» heart that Is closed against Christ, "wiiett-yott shake hands with & youflg convert, don't de it with two fingers, > SarsapanlEa Any sarsaparilla is sarsapn- rilla. True.' So nny tea Is tea) J So'any flour is flour. Uut grades* differ. You ivant ihe best. It's so with sarsaparilla. There .ire grades. You want the best. If you understood sarsaparilla as well as you do tea and flour it would be cany to determine. But you don't. How should you ? When you arc going to buy a commoclky whose value you don't know, you pick out 'an old established house to trade with, and trust their experience and reputation. Do so when buying sarsaparilla. v Ayer's Sarsaparilla has been on the market 50 years. Your grandfather used Ayer's. It is a reputable medicine. There are many Sarsaparlllas — but only one Ayer's. It cures. <! ; x1 20years'experience, send sketchrorod- vice. (L Dearie, lute prln. examiner U.S. Vat.Offlue i Deauo & Weuver, UcQUl Bide.,W aah.D.O. ri Thompson's Eye Water. When answering advertisements Kindly mention , : 'J thin panor. I • i J,.; . > i ,-'» "The added pleasure of riding a Columbia is worth every dollar of the $ 100 a Columbia costs/' The supremacy of Columbias is admitted* They are Standard of the World. If you are able to pay $1 00 for a bicycle, why buy any other? Foil information about Columbias and the different Models for men and women—and for children^ too-—is contained in the handsomest art book of the year. Free from any of our Branch Houses and Agencies or by mail for two 2-cent stamps, POPE MFG, CO,, Hartford, Conn, Branch Stores end Agencies In every Pity and tpwn. If Columbia* are not properly represente4 ,ro your vicinity, let up know; All Coluroblj Bloyelw trs fUW will) HARTFORP smei,i.TUie TIRES ' UlllfM Dgnt-OP TIBM JURE MKtO fOfl. . WE KNOW NO TIRES SO GOOD AS HARTFOROS. mrvef " ~«- UMI w » •!-" *»" i»^ mRMT One Cup One Cent than a cent in fast 7- and all

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