The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa on May 20, 1896 · Page 6
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The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa · Page 6

Algona, Iowa
Issue Date:
Wednesday, May 20, 1896
Page 6
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HHffpfi ^^^ «I r/" M "\-V ** ' ' (5?: ~ v ^ v * ' * t^ '* *4 Jl ^^# l i * "* * ^^'""" ™ "* f ^*" i '^^^^® A MAN id' «•« Matt With ft Oft«s Sided, > Seeing the sign over the door, 1 enter* ~«fl, f 'lf yotl -Wish to 6oaferWith the president, si?," Said the young man In fr6at, "yottttfll find him in his plivate office," and thanking him 1 entered the *tes* VXtt&t %itere ft ple&sant faded man peeled ine Cordially. ''Won't you be seated?" he said, grasping me by the hand. "Is your business— or— confidential?' ' "tfot at all," 1 replied. .'.'44 1 was passing by I thought t Would 'stop ib arid inquire into the nature and scope of the Lovers' Guarantee company, Which 1 see advertised so extensively." 1 'Certainly, ' ' he responded. ' '1 shall I-?.' be only too glad to inform yon What we are here for. The Lovers' Guarantee company was formed for the purpose of securing good husbands to all maidens matrimonially inclined, and the great success we have met with thus t&t proves that there is an excellent reason for our existence. The average man of affairs has little time to look up the character and antecedents of the young fellow who applies for his daughter's hand. We look him up, and if he is satisfactory he gives us a bond, which entitles him to a certificate guaranteeing him to bo all that ho claims. This bond may bo good for five or ten years. A man's financial status is of course easy to determine, but it is into the finer attributes of character that we examine particularly. Onr certificate is an absolute guarantee of the man. Of course we have to be particular, for should the wife at any time insist upon a separation and show cause tinder the contract we would have to pay all her legal expenses and furnish her a new husband or make over to her certain payments. " "But suppose," said I, "after the man is married off, there develops some hidden trait, some idiosyncrasy that causes nnhappiness, but not separation, what do you do then?" "Such oases, " replied the president of the Lovers' Guarantee company, "are rare, but of course they do occur. In a case like this we examine into the cause of the difficulty, and if the man be wrong the fact that he is under bond gives us a power over him, and generally we bring him to terms. ' ' "But, "said I, "suppose the woman in the case is wrong?" , "This, " explained the president, "is extremely unfortunate, as we have no means of reaching her direct, having no power over her. We can, however, advise the man what to do, generally with most felicitous results. As a rule, these differences come from ignorance on both sides. Where they are extreme and a separation is advisable we have in our employ the best lawyers, and divorces are obtained in the most private way. "We have in our employ one of the most eminent phrenologists in the country, who examines the heads of all applicants. Our head physician, who gave up a large practice to come with us, has a growing staff of assistants, and these look carefully into the physical condition of the applicants. You may depend upon it that when an applicant has successfully run the gantlet we lay out for him he will make a good husband. We advise all young married people to have homes of their, own, no matter how humble, and have a home bureau through Which a member can obtain advice on the most desirable way to live, the best locations, a list of houses and apartments and the lowest rents. By this means we are enabled to make an arrangement with landlords so that our patrons can obtain certain discounts and privileges. Were you thinking—ahem I —of entering upon the new life?" "Oh, no, " I replied modestly. ' 'I am already married, and," I added laughingly, "I don't suppose oases of this sort come under your jurisdiction, " "Indeed they do, " replied the president of the Lovers' Guarantee company. "We have lately formed a department for the benefit of married people and find it to be a great success. For a small sum yearly, in advance, wo furnish ladies with advice as to the proper management of husbands and direct them how to act in special emergencies. For instance, should a husband be called ' away too frequently »t pigbt 'on business,' imbibe too freely— I may say this is 'one of POP greatest obstacles— or should, be become ill natured or non» tractable, we tell her what to do," "Is this department secret?" 1 "Not at all," he responded, "Indeed , we invite publicity... PW& is our repu- Ration that the mere fact wade known . to a i»aja tha<> MB name is on our books > 1 vy|U have a. tendency t9 bring him to • - Jjis senses, " L - ','jlydeftF sir," paifl J warmly as I go, "you are eooojuplighiog a k, and J am. glad 1 called in to Then, thanking him, J was depart wbe» b,e, Stopped we W«* Wftilfif tft Ml* *%**»& The dentist didfi't wmt la tali shop, he said, but he tnotigbl the story wotth telling, so he told it "Sftft Idag ago," he laid, "ft western railroad president came to frew ¥ork, afcd OHe evening Was invited to dine With some of his friends here. The dinne* Was a particularly Solly affaif, and When the western man reached his hotel he was in a merry mood. It Was his custom to place his Bet of false teeth tinder the pillow every bight just before going to bed, and he Was certain he bad done so on this particular evening. Nevertheless in the morning he was unable to find them. Searching high and low in the room Was of no avail, and finally he came to me for a new set. 11 'Sow long will it tako you to make them?' he asked. 1 told him four of five days. 'Can't listen to anything' like that,' he replied. 'I'll give you triple taoney to make them in 24 hours.' You' see people from Chicago think that money laughs at everything, even time. "All my arguing with the old fellow did no good, so I set to Work on his teeth. In the meantime, however, I told my assistant to hasten around to the old man's hotel and make a scientific search of his room. The westerner insisted that he had drunk no more wine than usual at the dinner, but I was satisfied that he was, deceiving himself. I had not been long at the preliminary measurements when my. assistant called me out and handed me the teeth. He had found them in the pillowcase, where the owner had put them instead of under the pillow. "I returned the tooth and the railroad man was so overjoyed that ho did not cancel the order, but told me to go ahead with the teeth. They might come in handy some time, he said. He even unbent so far as to admit that perhaps, after all, he had drunk a glass of wine too much the night before, and when I sent him my bill I received a check for double the amount from him."—New York Tribune. THE BARBER'S REVENGE. A Tale of a Talkative Tonuorlal Artist and His Gruff Customer; As he threw himself back into the embrace of the cushioned chair of a Union square barber shop he scowled fiercely at the barber and buried his face in the newspaper. But the barber didn't mind the ugly opening. Ho leaned over, garroted the tonsorial patient with a towel and painted his face with lather. When he had flipflapped a razor once or twice along the strop he began mildly: "Nice day, sir." "Oh, is it?" answered tho other. The barber looked startled, but be tried again. "Paper says we're going to have nice weather now.'' "Thanks," was the answer, "I know how to read myself." At this rebuff the barber kept silence. But he shaved against the .grain, tweaked the other's nose and daubed soap into the corner of his month. The gruff man swore softly, the barber smiled, and as a final act of violence grabbed the other by the top of the scalp and twisted his head until the cervical vertebras creaked again. "Say," cried the gruff man, "my head ain't no roulette wheel." But still the barber shaved on in silence. He shaved and shaved, scraping the skin so close that it showed ragged under the blade. Then, leaning over, he grabbed a handful of raw and tender skin and rolled it between his fingers until the other groaned aloud. As the tear drops stole down the scarified face the barber administered the final taunt: "Do you shave yourself, sir?" "No," roared the gruff man, leaping up in the chair, "I shave my grandmother and sister's nieces." Then he buried his face in the paper and the barber smiled and smiled and smiled, while he rubbed alum into the sore spots on the victim's chin.—New York Yfarld, \tO jne, he eaid, "bat wou}4 W9 yonrname? J&1» g}r. "J "Atoi yss« te» w ; JFM1 the -Princeton Tiger. Aii Intert-tiptlom Back Alley—Ah, darling, I could sit in this grapevine forever telling you of my boundless love and— Water Wheels. The point is made by a writer in one of the mechanical journals that the greatest obstacle now encountered in the sucpessful operation of water wheels is, from an economical aspect, the too often entire absence of engineering skill in utilizing the power, and that many a water power would develop greater efficiency were it properly controlled and had the turbine been'sejeoted because of its adaptability to the conditions and been properly set. • On their introduction, he remarks, turbines were used singly, but now they are used either singly or in sets of two or three or more, as expedient, and in batteries of sets; by the use, too, of iron or steel pen* stocks and feed pipes the expense of in* stalling has been largely reduced and far greater economy in the use of water secured; the growing demand for large units of power 1ms also bee?* satisfied, so that whereas a few years back a 600 horsepower turbine was almost unheard of, turbines of 5,000 horsepower are now employed. School Method* AprQ&d, As ft rule natural bistoi'y a.nd geogra- phynre wore delightfully taught i« P-rassia tb»B here. ^Ye gladly use its nj&ps, colored pieces and natural col- jeotions,. School hygiene jn Switzerland JS esfprped HJ wonderful W8ys . Skating yaoa,tio,fts OR well prepared ioefteld,e •'are pr§§pribe4i »»d fe^re are vacation cQignje.s $nd. *'jnijk, flujej" fpr the sickly, IVfiffi Vienna S? j^a fjenia.s4 fp| toe pa Qf ex. by the #t &S' Commissioner of HOWfeLLS DESCRIBES tmeuutioNs. A Stfti»ed fe«mr. ft Solitary Halt Bollftt *nd th« Contest Between T*o Con- joienees trnwttled-A tJsuftliy Calm Mtod, but a CotapfrottJse Was Atrangedt Mr. \V. D. So-, ells has written foi The Century two • .ipers entitled "Tribulations of a Ch.erful Giver," giving his experiences with the begging fraternity. The folio-wing is taken from the first paper: ' Some months ago, as I was passing through a down town street on my way to the elevated station, I saw a man sitting on the steps of a house. He seemed to be resting his elbows on his knees and holding ont both his hands. As I came nearer I perceived that he had no hands, but only stumps, where the fingers had been cut off close to the palms, and that it was these stumps he was holding out in the mute appeal which was his form of begging. Otherwise he did not aak charity. When I approached him he did not look up, and when I stopped in front of him he did not speak. I thought this rather fine in its way; except for his mutilation, which the man really could not help, there was nothing, to offend the taste, and his immobile silence was certainly Special Sale for 15 Bays Only. 100 Waists-regular price $2,00— Sale price, 100 Waists-regular price $1.75- impressive. I decided at onco to give him some- Sale price, 100 Waists-regular price $1,26— Sale price, 100 Waists—regular price $1.00— Sale price, 100 Waists-regular price 90c— Sale price, 750 We are overstocked in these goods, therefore don't say so?—New York A Good Deal Batter Off. "This must be ono of those windows you push out." I. thing, for when I am in tho presence of want or oven tho appearance of want, there is something that says to me, "Give to him that asketb," and I have to give or else go away with a bad conscience—a thing I hate. Of course I do not give much, for I wish to bo a . good citizen as well as a good Christian, and as soon as I obey that voice which I cannot disobey I hear another voice reproaching mo for encouraging street beggary. I havo been taught that street beggary is wrong, and when I havo to unbutton two coats and go through three or four pockets before I can reach the small coin I mean to give in compliance with that imperative voice, I certainly feel it to bo wrong. So I compromise, and I am never able to make sure that either of those voices is Siitisfied with me. I am not even satisfied with myself, but I am better satisfied than if I gave nothing. That was the selfish reason I now had for deciding to yield to my better nature and to obey the voice which bade me "G-ive to him that asketh," for, as I said, I hate a bad conscience, and of two bad consciences I always choose the least, which, in a case like this, is the one that incensed political economy gives mo. I put my hand into my hip pocket, where I keep my silver, and found nothing there but half a dollar. This at once changed the whole current of my feelings, and it was not chill penury that repressed my noble rage, but chill affluence. It was manifestly wrong to give half a dollar to a man who had no hands or to any sort of beggar. I was willing to commit a small act of inci- vism, but I had not the courage to flout political economy to the extent of 50 cents, and I felt that when I was bidden "Give to him that asketh" I was never meant to give so much as a half dollar, but a cent, or a half dime, or at the most a quarter. I wished I had a quarter. I would gladly have given a quarter, but there was nothing in my pocket but that fatal, that inexorably indivisible half dollar, the continent of two quarters, but not practically a quarter. I would havo asked anybody in sight to change it for me, but there was no one passing; it was a quiet street of brownstone dwellings, and not a thronged thoroughfare at any time. At that hour of the late afternoon it was deserted, except for tho beggar and myself, and I am not sure that he had any business to be sitting there on the steps of another man's house, or that I had the right to encourage his invasion by giving him anything. For a moment I did not know quite what to do, To be sure, I was not bound to the man in any way. He had not asked me for charity, and I had barely paused before him. I could go on aud ignore the incident. I thought of doing this, but then I thought of the bad conscience I should be certain to have, and I could not go on. I glanced across the street, and'near the corner I saw a decent looking restaurant, and "Wait a minute," I said to the roan, as if he were likely to go away, and I ran across to get my half dollar changed at the restaurant. I was now quite resolved to give him are compelled to make these very low prices for_is days. Don't miss the good chance to get your waists while the sale is on. Yours to please, JNO. OOEDERS. a quarter, and be thing was getting done with it; to bo a bore. 'the But SO JT WAS! Wor}c(, 4 Tip, 4 •V »^>7 MMEtH ime flfi when I entered the restaurant I saw no one there but a young man quite at the end of a long room, aud when he had come all the way forward to find what I wanted I was ashamed to ask him to change my half dollar, and I pretended that I wanted a package of Sweet Oa- poral cigarettes, which I did not want, and which it was a pure waste for me to buy, since I do not smoke, though doubtless it was better to buy them and encourage commerce than to give the half dollar and encourage beggary. At any rate, I instinctively felt that I had political economy on my s;de jn the transaction, and I made haste to go back to the man on the steps and secure myself with Christian charity too. On the way over to him, however, I decided that J would not give him a quarter, and I ended by poising J5 cents on one of his outstretched stumps. I» tUe Right Rubberneck. Bitt Stood looking down at the, inanimate form of his thirty-sev< ewth. • "Per a greaser," said Bill, "fee put up a pwty gam.e fight. ' ' "That's wJwV* assented godless &>ees» *.<Pit;y fee bad. to go. Per, if he \W » gsejlfer, hjyp fa w t OTO e mighty IMW fe$B£ i» fte right place. fe Jnoky liJwt it ^ 4haj?j|; Baa The greatest one-ring show on earth. Constantly improving in every way that experience can suggest. KIRKHART & RYAN'S A marked and signal advance in the\ world's amusement annals, creating a new era in canvas entertainment. Presents in consolidation an avalanche of star attractions which it is well for rivals to stand from under. A GRAND GALAXY of Star Performers, culled from the leading shows of both hemispheres. Ten Aerial Acts, Forty Sensational Features. Band in America. The Finest Circus The 20th Century Wonder! The laws of gravity defied. The highest salaried performers that ever appeared under a tent, Samuel Burt, the man on the ladder; a wonderful performance on an unsupported ladder—must be seen to be believed. Thrilling and sensational flights through mid-air. Weird and wonderful contortion acts, bewildering and death-defying high dives, and a host of exclusive features to be seen only with this show. No fakirs or gamblers ever allowed to follow this show. Two Performances Daily! Parade at 12:30! Free Tickets for TTou. ^.11! The following leading merchants of Algona have purchased a limited number of tickets to the show which they propose to give away, free, to their customers. Call and get yours of KRAFT CLOTHING CO., Algona, clothing PATTERSON & SON, Algona, grocers g> AH DpRWEILER, Whittemore, general merchandise. AJJ.V, .u. A. bl-lUlii/c, Algona, drugs. Bed-rock prices oti and Screen Doors, Window Screens Lawn Mowers, At J. W, ROBINSON'S. Spjiplts woity J» tlje )}»e of Painting of 111 /•««•-,.

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