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THE BEST OF DEAR ABBY ESTHEHVILLE DAILY NEWS, FRL, JAN. 5, 1973 P<*g6 5 Abigail Van Buren is the wise Auntie Mame, the witty pen-pal confidante, the beautiful Dutch aunt to a host of readers. Some of the letters are sassy, some are tragic; they all spring from the vibrant core of human relationships. Abby responds with generous applications of horse liniment and horse sense. A sampling of the more entertaining letters in "Dear Abby" during 1972 is an appropriate reminder of some sound human values, including the grace of laughter, that endure at the start of the new year. DEAR ABBY: Please, no names or cities on this. I am a 51-year-old widow. I'm considered attractive. I have no family responsibilities as my only child is married. I have dated a number of eligible men, but there is one I care for above all the others. He's 57, but looks much younger. We've been dating for about six months, and I know he cares for me, too. He has been an absolute angel and a perfect gentleman. Last night he told me he loved me, but would not propose marriage because he had had surgery a few years ago, which terminated his sex life. I told him it didn't matter to me because I never placed much importance on sex anyway, which is the God's honest truth! He said I was only being "kind," and in a few years I would feel "cheated." I swore to him on a stack of Bibles that I meant what I said. How can I convince this wonderful man that I want to marry him? WILLING WIDOW DEAR WILLING: Get a higher stack of Bibles. DEAR ABBY: Your comment to "Lady Dreamer" reminded me of a cute saying I'd like to share. "The neurotic BUILDS dream castles. The psychotic LIVES in them, and the psychiatrist collects the rent." MRS. L. P. DEAR MRS. L. P.: A competent psychiatrist doesn't "collect the rent" for anyone's dream castles. Instead he helps his patient to find a dwelling he can actually LIVE in. And his fee is more appropriately the cost of moving. DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from an interview for 1 » secretarial position. Hie boss himself interviewed mey and I must say, I was surprised at some of the questions he asked me. He wanted to know if I was on "the Pill." (I had already told him I was recently divorced.] Then he asked, "Do you drink?" I told him I didn't. Then he smiled and added, "Not -even a little social drinking once in a while?" I said "No. I just don't care for it." Then he looked at me like I was some kind of oddball. He also asked me if I ever "turned on" with drugs. By that time I had had it, and replied, "Good grief, no!" I doubt if that interview will result in a job offer. But if it does, I shall turn it down. Not having sought employment for 10 years, perhaps I am out of touch with today's scene. But I'd like to know if these questions are routine in an interview today? Or did this particular man have something else in mind? SHOCKED IN MANHATTAN DEAR SHOCKED: The questions you were asked were not routine, and I suspect the man who interviewed you had fringe benefits in mind. For HIM—not you. DEAR ABBY: Last weekend I was falsely accused of having an affair with the wife of a fellow worker. This fellow telephoned me at 7 a. m. and informed me that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that I wouldn't be able to spend the weekend with his wife. The good news was that instead of doing me physical harm for having fooled around with his wife [which I never did], he had thrown a brick thru the windshield of my automobile! I thought it was all a joke. Now comes the problem: Later that morning, I found a $100 check in my car and a note from this fellow stating, "After contemplating my rash behavior, I realized how foolishly I behaved, so this $100 will cover the damages to your car." I replaced the windshield, which amounted to $30. What should I do with the remaining $70? "ON THE LEVEL" DEAR ON: Buy yourself a bulletproof vest. You never know what a nut like that will do next. DEAR ABBY: May I give your readers the benefit of my very valuable experience? I address this to any woman who is "in love" with a married man: Never expect to see him on Sundays or holidays. Never call him at home. Don't ever expect him to take you out in public, but be prepared to entertain him at your place. He may bring a bottle or the steaks occasionally, but in actual dollars and cents you will spend more on him than he'll spend on you. Never depend on him in times of personal crisis. Don't believe him when he tells you his wife is a shrew, cold, homely, too fat, or too thin, and she hasn't slept with him for 10 years. Don't ever expect his wife to divorce him—even if she catches him. She knows that you are not his first and won't be his last. Also, she is not about to give up her social status, financial security and retirement income because of you. However, her discovery will probably terminate bis affair with you, so be prepared to get some new clothes, circulate, and find another married man whose wife is a shrew, cold, homely, too fat [or too thin] and hasn't slept with him for 10 years. Sign me HIS WIFE DEAR WIFE: Bravo! Thanks for sharing. DEAR ABBY: I hope you won't think this is too dumb to answer. Can a girl get pregnant from kissing? DALLAS DEAR DALLAS: No. But It's a good beginning. DEAR ABBY: My husband sleeps in his underwear. He wears the long woolen kind, and he sleeps in the same underwear he has worn all day. The problem is getting him to change it. Abby, there are four suits of clean underwear in his drawer, but he won't put on a clean pair without a fight. I can't even get his underwear away from him to put in the wash. Don't tell me to grab it when he's in the bathtub. He doesn't bathe much either. Please help me. He is getting pretty ripe. FARGO, N. D. DEAR FARGO: Look at it this way. You don't have to worry about another woman stealing him. And he's easy to find in the dark. But if you want action, try begging, bribing, nagging, and leaving! And in that order. DEAR ABBY: I know a man who took his wife and recently widowed sister in law to a baseball game. No sooner had the three of them sat down in their reserved •eats when in came a gentleman and his young son, and sat right beside them. The man who had brought the two ladies happened to know the late entry, so he introduced him to the women. The gentleman, who happened to be a widower, had the seat right next to the widowed sister in law. The two of them hit it off very well. Six months later they were making wedding plans! Not until then did the widow learn that her brother in law had bought ALL FIVE TICKETS, and seated her right next to his friend. -Wouldn't you say this was a lot better than trying to arrange a blind date? IT HAPPENED IN HOUSTON DEAR HAPPENED: Much! Had the brother in law asked his friend if he wanted to meet a nice widow, the friend would probably have said, "No thanks, I know enough widows." And if he had asked his sister in law if she wanted to go out with a nice gentleman, she probably would have asked, "How taU is he?" CONFIDENTIAL TO "FROM THE OLD SCHOOL": Welcome to the club. Very few of us who had "old world" parents were told "the facto of life" by our mothers. All my mother told me, God bless her, was never to put bananas in the refrigerator. DEAR ABBY: What has happened to you? You used to encourage married couples to do everything within their power to save their marriages. Lately, you give the impression that divorce could be the answer for some couples. Why? FAITHFUL READER DEAR READER: Because I think it's more important to save people than marriages. And in some cases, in an effort to save the marriage, people have destroyed themselves. DEAR ABBY: Please tell me, am I an old fashioned, prissy, 52-year-old wife, mother, and grandmother because I don't enjoy going to X-rated movies? My husband thinks I am. He asked me to go to one of those movies with him and I did, and I didn't care for it at all. To me sex is something beautiful between a husband and wife, and I don't like to see it exploited before my eyes on a movie screen. My husband says it turns him on. Well, it turns me OFF! Do you think I should go to sexy movies with him just to keep him company? I find them humiliating. OLD FASHIONED DEAR OLD: If your husband needs an X-rated film to turn him on, let him go alone. And tell him to hurry straight home before you torn IN, or he's turned OFF! DEAR ABBY: How do you feel about women using the title "Ms" in order to keep their marital status confidential? All men are called "Mr." which gives no one a clue as to whether they are married or single, which in some cases could be to their advantage. Don't you think women should demand equal privacy in their marital Btatus? MS. SCHWARTZ DEAR MS. SCHWARTZ: If it's equality women want, instead of adopting "Ms." to conceal their marital status, they should insist that all men be identified according to THEIR marital status. [After all, a woman ha* a right to know whether a man is a bachelor, married, divorced, a widower, or just swinging. 1 s Example: Joe Blow, M. M. [Married Man]; Moe Schmo, BR. [Bachelor]; WR. for widower; AV for available, or T. O. L. for Temporarily on the Loose. Girls? DEAR ABBY: Now that women have demanded equal rights, particularly in the area of employment, I wonder how many females will apply for jobs as ditch diggers, plumbers, coal miners, garbage collectors and slaughterhouse butchers? I am aware that not all women in the world are pushing for equality, but those who are have made so much noise about it that I can no longer give up my seat on a bus to a lady. And I will never stand back and let a lady go first, unless, of course, she wants to jump out of a window, or off a bridge. Sincerely Yours, JOHN IN OREGON DEAR JOHN: After you, sir! DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is about my age, 55. Adele lost her husband last year, so she went to California for the winter to visit her sister. When Adele came back, nobody recognized her. She looked like a 25-year-old giri. And beautiful! She had a whole new face and a new figure. It was unbelievable! Adele admitted to having her face lifted, which was obvious, but she said she also had her bust and behind lifted! Now I have heard of silicone implants to lift and fill out sagging breasts, but I have never heard of anyone having her behind lifted, have you? What kind of doctor does this work? I would really like to know because if it can be done I might want to have mine lifted. LOW SLUNG IN BROOKLYN DEAR LOW: Yes, it can be done. Some plastic surgeons do it. Since Adele appears to speak so frankly about it, ask her who lifted her behind. She'll probably be glad to tell you unless she intends to sit on it forever. DEAR ABBY: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a "father and son"—or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this "odd couple" moved in. They have all sorts of strange looking company. Men who look like women, and women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians, and yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there. They must be running some sort of business, or a club. There are motorcycles, expensive sports cars, and even bicycles parked in front and on the lawn. They keep their shades drawn so you can't see what's going on inside but they must be up to no good, or why the secrecy? We called the police department and they asked if we wanted to press charges! They said unless the neighbors were breaking some law there was nothing they could do. Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood? UP IN ARMS DEAR UP: You could move. DEAR ABBY: My husband has one brother and one sister. The brother married a very rich girl and he has no money worries. The sister married a professional man who does very well, and they are also on easy street. They both have lovely large homes, help in the house, etc. My husband is barely making it. Twelve years ago my father in law lost his wife and didn't want to live alone. The others couldn't take Grandpa because they traveled too much, etc., so he came to live with us. We gave up our bedroom and moved into a dinky guest room so Grandpa could have' the best. For 12 years this selfish, complaining, demanding old man lived with us. Two years ago he suffered a stroke and I had to care for him 24 hours a day, bathing, feeding, everything! He could have afforded to go to a nursing home because he had money socked away and plenty, but he wouldn't hear of it. I put up with his cursing, complaining and demanding, and so did my children. All the while, he never gave us one penny for his keep! Well, Grandpa died two weeks ago, and his will read: "All my children shall share and share alike." Would you care to comment? A COUPLE OF CHUMPS DEAR CHUMPS: It seems inequitable, to put it delicately, but I'm reminded of an old Yiddish saying, "If you come for the inheritance you might have to pay for the funeral." DEAR ABBY: I hope LOW-SLUNG IN BROOKLYN got a lift from your letter telling her that plastic surgeons can actually lift a person's behind. I know I did. And while we are in that general area, I wonder if your readers know that there are false fannies on the market for women who are flat in back? I should know; I've been wearing one for years. If you use my letter please don't use my real name. Make up one. MRS. X DEAR MRS. X: How about "SITTING PRETTY?" Or "MRS. BUTTINSKY?" [Sorry, but you really backed into that one.] DEAR ABBY: Ralph and I have been married for two years, and we are still very much in love, but here 's our problem: Ralph is "scheduling" what used to be our most beautiful and romantic moments, and I don't like it. He aays, "No romance until after Johnny Carson." Abby, sometimes I don't want to stay up that late, because I have to be up at 6 a. m. sharp every day, but Ralph stays up to watch the whole show no matter who's on. I think he 's being selfish, and he thinks I'm being stubborn. I'd like your opinion. And in case you think this is a gag, I'm signing my full name, but please don't use it. Sign me . .. SLEEPY TIME GAL IN MPLS. DEAR GAL: If year fcasbaad isn't turned ON until Carton to tamed off, yon Med Bore kelp than I can give you tm a letter. I'm afraid the honeymoon to ever when the boob beside you ignores yea for the take. DEAR ABBY: I think I can top the story about the couple who announced at their 25th wedding anniversary party that they were getting a divorce: On Sunday, March 5th of this year, our minister announced from the pulpit that he was leaving io June for a new assignment. He said that he and his wife were being divorced, after which he would marry a local medical doe- tor's wife, who was going with him to his new assignment. He also announced that the doctor, who was standing beside him in the pulpit, would marry HIS wife. [There were five children involved.] The minister and his wife had sung a duet that day, and the doctor, who was a church official, had read the scriptures for the service. The above is absolutely true. I witnessed it, and am enclosing the names of all the parties involved if you wish to check it out. Being unable to stay in such a church, I left It immediately and joined another one. "TOPPER" IN TAFT, CAL. DEAR TOPPER: I am frequently accused of making up letters, but I have neither the talent nor the imagination to come up with anything as fantastic as some of the real life situations that readers send me. Thanks for writing. DEAR ABBY: I am a young, single career girl who lives alone. I use "Ms." before my name as a form of protection. With the present high crime rate I am not about to advertise the fact that I am unmarried and therefore am atone during the night. There are just too many kooks running around. I realize that using "Ms." isn't foolproof, but every little bit helps. I don't want to be equal. I only want to be SAFE! Ms. L. J. DEAR MS. L. J.: I'll say it's not foolproof. Some married women spend more time atone at night than the unmarried ones. DEAR ABBY: Everybody keeps talking about how dirty the movies are nowadays, but nobody does anything about it. I think that every time we see an "X" or "R" rated movie advertised, we should write to the president of the studio that made that movie and tell him that this is one movie our family will not be seeing. And when they start making clean movies, we will be glad to see them. If you printed this letter, Abby, and people all across the country started writing letters, do you think it might help to get all this raw sex out of the movies? DISGUSTED DEAR DISGUSTED: It might. But how do we get the "raw sex" out of the balconies and drive-ins? DEAR ABBY: A friend and I have been sharing a mistress for the last year. It's been a good arrangement for all of us as I am there [another city] Monday morning thru Wednesday noon, and my friend is there from Wednesday noon thru Friday. [Then she has the weekend off.] We pay all the expenses and give her spending money The cost is about $400 a month from each of us. We are both salesmen and we save on hotel and meals. The problem: She wants to report this for income tax. It comes to $1,518 per year, and we will have to give her extra money to pay it. We are both on salary and pay the full rate and can't deduct her or any of our expenses as they are paid in cash and we have no receipts. Besides, our wives would find out. What do you advise? HONEST TAXPAYER DEAR HONEST: Since you travel for business, you'd be ahead to stay in hotels and eat out. Business expenses are deductible. But NOT monkey business. DEAR ABBY: I wanted to call up my postmaster and tell him a thing or two because I knew he ate my pension check, but I couldn't find his telephone number in the book. I called information and that's when I found out he had an unlisted number! That really made me mad, so since I knew where he lived, I drove over to his house and told his wife off. Abby, as a taxpayer, I would like to know why a public servant like a postmaster would have an unlisted telephone number? TAXPAYER DEAR TAXPAYER: Probably to protect him from pie who "know" he ate their pension checks. DEAR ABBY: Stevie and I went together for about four months, and be gave me his peace ring, which I wore all the time. Last Friday we had a big fight, and I tried to give Stevie's peace ring back to him, but he refused to take it. I finally threw it at him. He said he didn't want it, so I picked it up and stuck it in his pocket. That's when be SWALLOWED it! I told my mother about it, and she said she didn't want me to ever go out with that lunatic Stevie again. Abby, I still care for him, and I'd like to go back with him, but now my mother won't let me. Now I'm sorry I told my mother anything. What should I do? . LINDA DEAR LINDA: Bide your tune, Honey. Tluags has* a wayef working theauehea out.