Lenox Time Table from Lenox, Iowa on March 12, 1936 · Page 2
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Lenox Time Table from Lenox, Iowa · Page 2

Lenox, Iowa
Issue Date:
Thursday, March 12, 1936
Page 2
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r LENOX TIME TABLE, LENOX* IOWA ADVENTURERS' CLUB McGoofe/s First Reader and Eclectic Primer Edited by H. I. PHILLIPSi © Auoclited Newspaper* WNO Berrlc* Maniac's Trap" By FLOYD GIBBONS / Famous Headline Hunter. H ERE'S one from a fellow reporter— and by golly, after reading his yarn I am almost convinced that maybe there is a thrill or two in the newspaper business after all. Charles K. Ulrich of Long Island City Is tlie Ind, and It happened on Sunday, January 2, 1013, while Charley was working as a reporter for the New York Herald. lie was sent by his city editor to Interview a man •who had called up on the telephone and promised the paper the biggest "beat" since the Spanish-American war. Well, Charley doesn't know about Its being the biggest beat, but it certainly landed him in the biggest mess of trouble since that war the fellow mentioned. The address they had given Charley was In the sixth story of an apartment building in One Hundred and Twenty-second street On the way up, he noticed that the negro elevator boy turned three shades whiter when he told him whom he had come to see. The boy said: "I hopes you has a n ood tlme witn that bird," But Charley attached no particular significance to his cryptic remark. As he approached the door, Charley heard angry shouts and oaths trithin, accompanied by the screeching of a parrot. During a lull in the ehouting he heard sounds such as a man might make by beating a birdcage with an iron rod. The sounds mystified Charley, but they didn't alarm him. If they had, he might have saved himself a lot of trouble. Reporter Invited to Enter Room. Charley rang the bell. A tall, stout man opened It. He was In his shirt sleeves and on his left shoulder was perched a parrot. He had a what The Man Invited Charley to Enter. heavy stick in Ills right hand. His face was swollen, and froth flecked his pale Jips. Charley thought he was drunk, but he explained his errand. The man invited Charley to enter and, grasping his arm in a vise-like grip, pulled him Into the hall. He thrust him Into a small parlor, locked the door and put the key In his pocket. Then, for the first time, Charley began to be afraid. This man^was a lunatic—a big, strong, athletically built lunatic. And except for a small pocket knife, Charley was unarmed. The man thrust the parrot Into Us cage and fell to beating the cage frith a stick. The parrot shrieked at each blow. "You'll force me to kill you yet, Emma Goldman," the man shouted, and spat viciously at the bird. There was no doubt In Charley's mind now. The man was a raving lunatic. He got up to go, but the man turned on him snarling: "Sit down, d—n you. I'll attend to you as soon as I've finished with Emma Goldman." Then he fell to beating the parrot's cage again, and Charley sat down. He had just remembered that the key to the room was In the lunatic's pocket. Maniac Threatens Him With Death. When the man had finished beating the cage he turned again to Charley. "I'm an electrical expert," he said suddenly. "I'm go- Ing to charge you with electricity to the gills." Charley looked around wildly for some means of escape. There was none. "And what if I refuse to be charged with electricity?" ha asked. The big man smiled coldly. Facing him menacingly he whispered: "lie- fuse and you die. You have your choice. The operation may kill you, but surely you won't mind sacrificing your life for science, will you?" A queer story of De Maupassant's flashed Into Charley's mind—the story of a man who outwitted a homicidal maniac by humoring him. No, he said, he'd be glad to sacrifice his life for science. And then he feigned sudden Illness and leaned against a door. "I'm sick," he said. "You don't w.^nt a sick man for this operation, do you?" "Certainly nut," the man growled. "A perfectly sound man !• needed." "Then," said Charley, "I think I'd better take a walk around the block and get some air. I'll be hack In a few minutes and we can go on with the operation." Wild Man Falls for Story. "I think you're right," the man assented heartily. "But it's understood you must come back In five minutes. Do you agree?" Charley nodded. The big man unlocked the door and followed him through the hall. "Remember," he shouted as Charley passed out of the door, "you're to be back in five minutes." He slammed the door, and Charley went down the stairway, three steps at a time. Outside, he found a policeman and told him his story. Six husky cops were sent to the house with orders to arrest the madman. He fought them fiercely for ten minutes before he was subdued and placed In an observation ward at Bellevue hospital. "Later," says Charley, "they removed him to Matteawan Hospital for the Insane, at Beacon, N. Y., and placed him In a strait-jacket. He died there some months afterward. In the room In which he proposed to conduct experiments on me they found a revolver and two large knives, sharp as razors. That he aimed to carve me Into bits, once he had me under his control, was as certain as two and two make four. Thanks to De Maupas- sant's story, I escaped that fate," ©—WNU Service. THE STORY OF JASON 1—,Tason was no bargain. 2—He didn't know much about anything. 3—He was five years old before he could talk. An'd then his voice was found to be so obnoxious that his parents were almost sorry he had become vocal. 4—But when Jason heard his own voice he was Impressed from the first. 5—To him It seemed like rare music. G—By the time he was ten years old he had become the noisiest boy in the neighborhood. He was a model for the original loud speaker. 7—In school he was the boy orator. Talking was the fulfillment of all his desires and the realization of all his hopes. 8—He was a living argument for bigger and better Quiet Zones. 9—Jason would argue with anybody any time about anything and he would take three hours to pass a given point. 10—And he always Insisted on the last word. 11—He had become a major disturbance by the time he attained manhood, and his folks worried for- fear he would have no future. Others worried for fear he would. 12—But he became a national figure. 13—No matter how loudly he shouted he never said anything that made sense. He thought logic was the name of a Polish village. 14—So he was .quickly grabbe'd up by a great political party and made one of Its foremost campaign orators and stump speakers at $1,000 a speech. 15—When he became certain nobody understood what he was promising, he raised It to $2,000 and got it. MORAL—There's a career somewhere for the worst of us. the sale of soap, soups, smokes and what have you. Has Waldo a tremor In his voice? Yes. When Waldo gets close to that mike with a nice soft lyric he sounds like a combination of all the great lovers of history suffering from a touch of asthma, heartburn and love-nest jitters. What's the general Idea? The general Idea is that a man who sings like that reduces the middle-aged women of America to a state of complete hysteria, drives the young ones gaga, an'd makes even the grandmothers chase grandpa around the house shouting, "Kiss me, my fool!" Is the Idea well founded? Probably not; !»iit once these radio station executives get sold on something you can't cure them without a major operation. How many women do you think find a radio crooner the answer to their prayers?' I dunno, but every time one of those birds begins to do his stuff through the loud speaker something like 18,956,345 men leap at the radio set with an ax. Does it 'do any good? No. Then why do It? It just relieves the strain. * * * WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE SENTENCES? Irvin S. Cobb LITTLE POEMS OF SUNSHINE Soothing Pipe'» History Dates to Indian in 1526 It is 01 ten assumed that briar pipes are made from the wood or root of the briar rose. This is not so; they are made from the root of the Mediterranean heath bruy- ere, where St. Raphael Is the center. The word "briar" is really a corruption of "bruyere," according to a writer In London Tit-Bits. Pipes have a long history. The first mention of inhaling smoke by the Indian was in 1526; the method was a forked cane, the double end being Inserted In the nostrils while the other end was held over the turning herb. From that they changed to the clay pipe, not unlike the ones used in modern times, only very much smaller, and the smoke was expelled through the nostrils to obtain t«e full narcotic benefit of the expensive herb. Other pipes that were used were the "Pipe* of Peace." These were pafised round the warriors in order **•-••"..••"• •_ _a -_ __ A 10/\ i-tm of their rank and age. Also the ndlan "War Pipe," which had the )owl protruding from one end of :he ax. These were the earliest types smoked by the North American Indians. Here are some examples of pipes enjoyed by other nations. The Laplanders used thin iron and walrus teeth. The West coast tribes of Africa used soapstone, which is a soft substance, easily carved and molded, and unaffected by heat. In India and Persia, hookahs, which look somewhat like a coffee percolatot at first sight, are popular. Turkey uses much the same thing, but thej have another type with a very long stem, the bottom of which is shaped like a foot to allow it to rest on thf ground while smoking. When everything goes wrong, Just smile 1 When you can't quite get along, When the going's pretty bad And all life looks very sad, Just smile! When It's raining all the day, Just smile! When the clouds won't roll away, Just smile! When you're sick as you can be And you're full of misery, Just smile! When you have no place to sleep, Just smile! When your 'debts are very deep, Just smile! When you've lost your last thin dime And you're hungry all the time. Just smile! When the larder's bleak and bare, Just smile! When your life is full of care, Just smile! When you're feeling sad and blue And the boss says you are through, Just smile! When you cannot pay the rent, Just smile! When you haven't got a cent, Just smile! If you do, well then, alast You're a goofy, silly ass, So smile! 1—"Anything you do Is all right," said the golfer whose opponent had Just teed up his ball. In a trap. "It's all good clean sport." 2—The bathing girl refused to go on the beach when she heard photographers were around. 3—The two heavyweight contenders fought fifteen vicious rounds, throwing all caution to the winds. * * * CURIOUS FACTS FOR CURIOUS PEOPLE 1—An alligator has no love motif. 2—Green peas may be mashed by placing them on a rock and hitting them with a nightstick. 3—The Japanese do not play marbles. 4—The first name of Alfred B. Smith Is Alfred. Authorize* Coinage of Money The Constitution provides that congress shall have the power to coin money and regulate the value thereof. The actual mechanical process of coining money Js delegated by congress to the Treasury department THIS IS WALDO Who is this? This is Waldo. What Is Waldo doing? Waldo Is crooning. What is crooning. Crooning is a national nuisance. Can't Waldo stop crooning? Yes, Waldo can stop crooning. Then why doesn't he do so? Because there is big money in it an'd very little work. Why is Waldo paid big money for crooning? Because big radio advertisers believe that a soft male voice with a little tremor in it helps greatly in 5—There Is a lion in South Africa that has never seen a moving picture camera. 6—Cherries may be put away for the winter in open barrels but they win not keep. 7—Mice may be kept in domesticity but it is Impossible to teach them to fetch your slippers. 8—In New York city today's morn- Ing papers come out yesterday afternoon. * • * PROBLEMS IN MATHEMATICS 1—John can mow a lawn 50 feet by 75 feet In 2 hours; Fred can mow a lawn 100 by 100 In 2 hours and 5 minutes; William can mow a lawn 100 by 80 feet in 1 hour and 80 minutes. Why do they all do it In the morning when neighbors are trying to sleep? 2—The eastern states produce 2,567',000 bushels of strawberries; the western states produce 5,987,345 bushels of strawberries; the other sections produce 11,508,067% bushels of strawberries. Why do you get so few strawberries in shortcake? 3—If It takes a popular song writer 48 hours to write a song stolen from the classics of the great musical masters, how many years would it take six song writers to pro'duce an original number, even if one of them understood music? 4—Jennie can swim 500 yards in 2 minutes; Alice can swim the same distance in 1 minute 55 seconds; Audrey can swim 1,000 yards in 4 minutes and 11 seconds. If they are at a fashionable bathing place with plenty of eligible boys to talk to, why bother? SCRAMBLED LETTERS CONTEST Hearrange these letters to spell the names of famous members of the Ail-American football team: 1—-Kxzcwxorwylosrwetyzeec. 2—Okoxozozloskyvitch. 3—Gzolkosbfloinanicltchoff. 4—Ilosklezoorpowkleck. 5—Efghljktemonprstw. 6—G r wlomaxzstgrwyerlop. 7—TJlorwzxzoplokosa&ky. LinKS .about: Making Money In "Stir" B EVERLY HILLS, CALIF. —Things certainly are lovely for the boys in the big stone jide-a-wee homes, is it not so? At San Quentin here in Cali- brnia, chosen groups turning out counterfeit money and never having to worry about getting in all, since they are already In. And a nice Jolly strike on at Alcatraz. And In my old home state, the inmates Just seeming to come and go at will, as It were. But in Illinois is where the chaps enjoy the benefits of congenial society without the bother of paying dues. It must be grand, serving as a member of the house committee of the Joliet Indoor Country club, what with crap games and poker parties and liquor made right there on the premises, and shots in the arm at the low rate of one dollar per shot The day is at hand when "prison break" in the headlines won't mean that some of the fellows on the inside are trying to. get out but that some of the fellows on the outside are trying to get in; and who could blame them? • * * The Yellow Peril'* Peril A T THIS moment the question before the house Is whether It Is more perilous to be a statesman in Japan and give offense to the soldiers or a soldier In America and give offense to the statesmen? Howsomever, at the risk of being penalized for punning, this Innocent bystander ventures the prediction that amongst us there won't be any more of these summary movals for the Hagood of the service, as It were. Because when something happens off or on a military post to make Tom Blanton the blood-sweating behemoth of Texas Democracy, line up with a lot of Republicans—well, I never thought I'd live to see the day. I don't believe Uncle Tom did, either. I'll bet nobody Is more surprised than he is. * * * Abolishing Potlatche* A T LAST accounts, jth& Canadian parliament had a bill'* before II to abolish poUatches. When an Indian gets prosperous, he gives a party, with free food and drink for all, and whatever he has left over he bestows upon the guests and so winds up beggared but happy That's a potlatch. Although at present confined to the Indians, it's not their own idea. They borrowec It from some of the early settlers It's an old Scotch custom. Tracing the genesis of tradition al things Is Interesting. I though' the famous motto of the North west Mounted Police had origmat ed within the force until once when I tackled some native smok a trading post In As soon as I re- knew ing tobacco at upper Ontario. covered consciousness whence came the slogan, "Always Gets: Its Man!" That was yean ago, but I still have dizzy spells In humid weather. * • * 'Tit Holdout Time I T IS the gladsome season when last year's stars swear they'l never put on uniforms again un less they get better contracts while the managers Just as loudlj declare the boys will accept what 1 offered or stay out of the game for evermore. Through anxious week each group proclaims that from the position thus taken, it will nev er, never abate or Jot or tittle. But when the first robin start north and the last training squa starts south, something always hap pens. One side decides to abat quite a few of the Jots. And th other side says, "Oh shucklns, aft er all, what's a tittle more or les between friends?" So this spring's hold-outs becom this fall's pennant-winners, or oth erwlse as the case may be, an frequently is. And behind th scenes, everything in either cham plonshlp team will be Just as peaceful as a cage full of panthers unt this time next year. * * * Which I* the Lei.ure CIa*»? HEN Mr. J. Pierpont Morga said any American famll that kept a maid belonged to th leisure class, he touched a respon slve chord in the bosom of th household, only he got the propos tlon mixed as it applied to our 11 tie home-nest. "Twas a maid we had for a she spell who really qualified. I'OHH bly we didn't give satisfaction. An> how, one evening she took m/i- brage and some guest towels and a ham and one thing and anothei and silently stole away. But look- W Allurifcg Daytime Frock With Distinctive Yoke 1832-B The yoke of this frock Is unusual nd a distinctive departure from the bvlous round or squared-off affair, ecause It extends out over the boulders and forms flaring little aps—caps which conceal two in- erted pleats and which are trans- ormed Into lovely loose raglan leeves. The blouse gathers at the oke and waist in front and back, endering fullness and a soft drapey ppearance. The twin panels In the kirt give you height, and the skirt an added swirl. Two huge gathered ockets In unison with the blouse are nterestiuj* features and very prac- Ical. Make a self-fabric belt trimmed with a diamond shaped buckle and wo harmonizing buttons, and notice liow smart and up to the minute 'our frock will be. Barbara Bell Pattern No. 1832-B s available In sizes 32, 34, 3C, 38,^40, 42 and 44, and can be procured-for fifteen cents. Size 3C requires 4% yards of 35-inch material. The Barbara Bell Pattern Book leaturing Spring designs Is ready. Send fifteen cents today for your copy. Send your order to The Sewing ircle Pattern Dept., SOT W. Adams St., Chicago, 111. © Bell Syndicate.—WNU Service. And Stay Put All Night "What do you take as a remedy for your insomnia?" "A glass of wine at regular Intervals." "Does that make you sleep?" "No; but it makes me content to stay awake."—Humorist (London). WRK3 Ley's Ra.ie.ve6 A> REMEMBERING INJURi Es The memory of past favors 1.1 a rainbow, bright, vivid, and \ tlful, but It soon fades away memory of Injuries Is engrave/ 1 the heart, and remains Hallbufton. Grow a garden of| "GRADUATES" from a real se breeding institu For 80 y ei!) Ferry-MorseSj:! Co., America i greatest scient| I seed organization! through continJ ous yearly Hi and with infinite care, has wit tected market and home gardeLI againstdeteriorationinseedqualityl Our foundation stockist! veloped at The Ferry-Morse SeJ Breeding Institute Stations J Rochester, Mich., and Salinas, Call This purebred stock is thenujJ for seed production on our onl farms, or under our direct super I vision. The seed crops from ffil stock are sold only after thoron«i testa have shown that they are d proper quality and germination I That is why— -North, Soutt East, "West — you can buys from the Ferry display in y w i neighborhood store with the gn est assurance that they will r« duce true to type and quality, Look for the Ferry display I fore planning your garden. WrJ for free copy of our Home Gari Catalog. Ferry-Morse Seed Detroit and San Francis^ THE FERRY- MORSE BREEDING INSTITUll Devoted to improving and maintaining quality of America's garden mil. Far From 'Era The more "madding crowd" is, the more people detest It. ^GENUINE' ^ INSTANT U "LIGHTING SELF.HEAfll TheColemanisagen- I RON! nine Initial II jhtinjlron. " w M| All TOO have to do Is turn n valve, ilriim and it llghti In.twitly. Yon don't bmt.li. tho match Inside tho iron— no banted tap, I The Colemnn heats In s jiffy; lo for MB. Entira ironlntr surface I __ _ point tha hottest Maintains ita heit imlj tha fast worker. Entirely selMicatfoj. for Kc 1 an hoar. You do your tronini effort. In one-third less time. Be wroj Iron Is the gennlne Instant-Lighting It s the Iron every woman wants. It'u, ful time and labor saver— nothing lihlt Colcmnn la tho es«y way to Iron. SEND POSTCARD for FREE Foldir THE COUBMAN LAMP AND STOrt _,P;o«-jy ual11 wwuta. Km.; Phiud.l»hi., ftm TOP AND BOTTOM, THEN I "I love you from the bottoB| my heart." "Why make that distinction,! it Is so small that top and are identical." Leftover* Tourist (In museum)— Whart| here? Guide—Bemalns to be seen, i Answers Magazine. WRIGLEY'S, "^SPEARMINT TH' PERFECT GUM THE FLAVOR LASTS IBFB Ing back, I can't recall anybody | else who could be so Jeisua-ly a n ,jj so classy, both at once. We are wondering now class we belong to on the maid's night out. IRVIN 8. COBB Copyright.— WMU «»rri e .. what HTCramDEVHH!E«>VliHOIIS ,., 4FORJI

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