Evening Sentinel from Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, England • 27

ONE MAN'S WEEK with Alan Cookman A Bogey man at the village Tea Dance Or will my showbiz break be a real drag? FRIDAY. VERA and Nancy, of Stone's VE Day celebrations committee, have mysteriously invited me to join them for coffee in the Crown Hotel tomorrow. Discreet inquiries suggest that I may be invited to put in a guest appearance at the Forties-style Tea Dance to be held in the Crown on the afternoon of May 8. If this is the case, I shall hire a white tuxedo and attend the Tea Dance Half-a-Crown; Gentlemen no in the guise of Rick in "Casablanca." I do a very passable Bogart impression, and I might be able to prevail on Uncle Dan (The Godfather) to play the Claude Rains character. His French accent is near-perfect jolie bon, and he would look terrific in the uniform of Captain of Gendarmes.

The exasperated innkeeper wondered why peace-loving Tittensor should be turned into Rorke's Drift whenever Stoke City or Port Vale entertain clubs like Millwall. Visiting fans, aware of drinking restrictions and police activity in the city centre, prefer to leave the motorway early and seek out places of refreshment in tranquil backwaters like ours. As a consequence, there have been Saturdays when the licensed premises alongside the A 34 have made the scorched earth policy seem like an improvement scheme. Of course, vigilance has been our village publican's byword since the time a group of Wolves fans redesigned the bar completely free of charge. And compared with some of the Millwall psychos, the wildest Molyneux boys are about as terrifying as a coachload of elderly nuns.

So in the best interests of the gourmet cook and has won prizes for his onions." And how right she would have been. The big golden finger has finally pointed at me through a haze of stardust. I am a winner at last. And though £lO won't conspicuously change my life. it means that my accumulated losses since the launch of the lottery last November are now £6O instead of £7O.

Funhermore, it's one tenner that won't be enhancing Mr Winston Churchill MP's collection of fine old English banknotes. MONDAY. ADISTINCT chill has settled on relations between the Son and Heir and me. He has not spoken to me since he excitedly opened a package delivered by the postman today and called me a dirty rotten swine prior to flouncing out in highest dudgeon. We'd knock the old dears dead, and no mistake.

A smoochy waltz fixtures and fittings, not to mention the customers and staff, the brave It only to be expected. A few weeks ago, a leaflet fell with the owner of the out of one of the Sunday Cafe Americain, followed by a vigorous jitterbug with Captain Louis Renault. And all for Halfsupplements, offering five CDs or cassettes for the price of one (you then have to promise to buy a-Crown! When I outlined this idea to my informant, however, he looked a bit one every three months for the rest of your life or they send somebody round to remove your finsheepish and said he didn't think black tie and white tuxedo was quite what the committee had in gernails). The Son and Heir seized on this and drew up a list of five albums by mind. "I think they are looking for something more in the nature of a spiv or groups with names like Violent Death and Fatal Accident.

They all look like gigolo," he said. "You know greasy hair, loud tie, case full of nylons, saucy man ner." I was shocked. "You mean a wide-boy?" I said. "A Brylcreemed lounge lizard? No way, Pedro." "Maybe I've got it all wrong," he said. "Perhaps they're going to ask you to do a turn in the ENSA concert in Charles Manson and the music sounds like a riot in a prison for the criminally insane.

So I quietly substituted the boy's list with one of my own, including collections of classics by Jimi Hendrix, Marvin Gaye, the Eagles etc, and popped the coupon in the post. At the time, I had visions of myself relaxing on a beach during security man, his little white van and faithful Rottie took up position at the entrance to the car park They shall not As I left. Mama Rocco. wife of Joe "The Tnick" Rocco. was crossing the road en route to Derek's Post-Office-Of-Many-Colours.

She leapt into the air as the Rottweiler, emitting a blood-curdling growl, reared up and lunged in her direction, almost pulling the handler's arm out of its socket. the evening. "Couldn't you and your friend Dan do a double act?" "Flanagan and Allen," I said. "Battered straw boaters, fur coats and 'Underneath the Oh yes, definitely a showstopper." "I think they've already got Flanagan and Allen," he said. "What about Elsie and Doris Waters?" our Club Shed holiday.

blissfully listening to all my old favourites on the Son and Heir's personal stereo. I have now three weeks to find out where he's hidden it. TUESDAY. you will be astonished to learn that my peace offering to the Son and Heir "Chas Dave's VE Day If her devoted son Andy "The Anchovy" Rocco gets to hear of this, the security man will awaken tomorrow to find a head on his pillow. And it won't be his wife's.

SUNDAY. SATURDAY. 4 GON Quinn, our honest victualler, was bemoaning the state of our national game when I joined him for a midday tonsil-moistener. He had been obliged to engage a uniformed private security guard with a fierce Rottweiler dog which yours truly gave a very wide berth indeed to repel marauding Millwall supporters. DON'T ask me what prognostications were forthcoming from Mystic Meg's crystal ball last night.

I tend to avoid the ludicrous preamble to the National Lottery draw. Knees-Up," featuring 50 Songs That Won The War was rejected out of hand. He made a facetious remark about a German version Songs That Lost The and tossed the complimentary CD aside. I hope it is better received at Quinnie's VE Day barbie next Monday and the village hall kneesup on the 13th. But it is my guess Meg whispered something like this: Tonight's winner's surname begins with 'C' and he was born under the star sign Leo.

He is a noted fashion guru, a QA.9 oi egib i 11it a kJ a -4 4h. en IT lirm. 0 LEIIL A EVENING SENTINEL, Saturday, May 6, 1995 27 Mario keys into the typing pool EV wanted to learn to type, but found the whole business too boring? But what if there was someone to help you? Nintendo's frontman Mario, for instance? Although it may seem a little out of character. Mario is now helpilig children find their way around the keyboard in three game-like stages In Mario Teaches Typing (enhanced CD Rom), he appears as a disembodied head floating around on the screen and giving helpful Tide: Mane Teaches Tit et ig (£29.99) Macidom inte Roes Rating: RA (good) prompts in a ridiculous Italian accent. Other characters from the Nintendo world join Mario as leads up to the final level typing a whole sentence.

Mario Teaches Typing is less fun than a normal computer game, hut a whole lot better than ploughing through a dull typing manual. MEGABYTE with Steve Fountain .4 eiOreleic, lit At orAii i A 0 Air a. i Alt Head bangers on video THE world's leading numbskulls have made the jump from MTV to the game machines. Fans of the airhead duo Beavis and Butthead will love the new video game because it bears all the hallmarks of the TV show. The animation is pixel-perfect, while the game is peppered with the pair's signature laugh "Heh.

heh, and catchphrase: The pair encounter other zany characters from the series before having to solve some puzzles. Their longterm goal is to get tickets to see their favourite heavy metal band. GWAR. If you buy the soon-to-be-released cartridge. it probably won't be for the action.

That's the disappointing bit. However. Beavis (the blond stupid one) and Butt-head (the darkhaired stupid one) are just like their TV incarnations. They even head-hang in unison and replace sentences with rifts from their favourite tunes. Beavis and Butt-head will he out soon on the Mega Drive.

Super Nintendo and Game Gear. Hot news A YOUR ugly grey box of a cornpuler can now be turned into a frame for some of the world's finest paintings. Great Artists has been released on CD Rom, in association with the National Gallery. It's a multi-media guide to the life, times and work of some of history's greatest painters. A THE amazing Pinball Illusions is shortly to appear on CD32 machines.

Already a big hit on the Amiga, this game claims to be the ultimate in pinball simulations. I i :.4 pN.I .1, 00 ko, As I Ti and cheats i IF you type "Amiga" (the name toWof your game's machine) while playing Hired Guns, the result will be infinite energy and ammo. Not bad, eh? I-1 HERE are the first three level MiNcodes you need for Flashbock on the Super Nintendo ZBVDS, JNGLQ and HNYTM. FOR a few surprises, type in tooNthese codes while playing Pinball Fantasies on the PC Tech, Greets, Tip, and Gabriel. 4 1.