Page 3 article text (OCR)
TfitE UPPER DBS M01N18! ALQONA, IOWA WEDNESDAY MARCH 23. 1808, HIE BUDGET OF FUN. iOME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. hi en nnrt Now, or the Lover's Cnnse for tamentatlon—An Appeal to Reason— From One Extreme to Another — Cohen's Heady Reply. Then nnd Now. N life's fervid June time I courted a maiden; No Muse, Grace or Goddess more wltchlngly fair. I turned to her glances like buds to the sunshine. Her soft-spoken speeches enraptured the air. I dreamed we would live in a cottage embowered, Where redolent gardens made fragrant K . the wind, flWhere birds sang love ditties on blossom- Ing branches, And sinuous tendrils luxuriantly twined. |The angel consented to crown my affection; We've been man and wife now a twelvemonth or so; .... ly lady now walks on the earth just as others, A very fine woman—as fine women go. (I've done with my dreams of a flower- gemmed cottage, With gardens, and bowers, and vines, and all that; '' We so now and then to a theater together, And live pretty happily here In our flat. —H. J. S. Wealth from the Earth. It was Winter in the Klondike, fb.6 aurora borealis was frozen so hard that men could have cracked walnuts against its side. Through the frosty twilight plodded a solitary pedestrian. He was returning to his cabin after a hard but fruitless day's work. Suddenly he stumbled against some object projecting above the ground. He glanced down toward the earth. Ha became interested, and kicked the object loose. All apathy now completely vanished, and with trembling nerves he lifted a large, yellow object from the ground. He gazed at it but a moment, and with an insane cry of joy thrust it into his bosom and ran toward the camp. He had found a large, smooth potato.—W. G. Brooks in Up-to-Date. TALMAaE'S SERMON 'PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST THEIR WAV," ¥HE SUBJECT. From Gen. X3tl, 1», as Follows: "And God Opened Her Eyes and She S»w a Well of Water and She Wont and Filled the Bottle and Gave the i,nd a Drink.' A High and Dry Suburb. She—Oh, do you know, I am completely Infatuated with astronomy. Now, let's see, where's Mars? In the west? He—In the west? Well, I guess hardly. I'd like to see Mars get past Chicago now that they think It is inhabited. This Greater New York business has set them wild out there. „»»! Appeal to Reason. Cholly—Hang It, I don't know how to take Miss Cutting. Reggy—So you won't take her at all? Ha! Ha! Good'joke, bah jove! Cholly—Naw, I don't know just how the matter stands. I thought I'd learn me fate, as they say, doncherno, last i night. She's a mighty intelligent girl, and I knew that just a beastly, every- Iday'proposal wouldn't do. So I took a |book with me, and when I got weady make the aw—proposition, I wead a haptah to her. It told that there was Jwenty thousand more women than aen in the state, and that wight heah Jn the city there were thirty thousand noah women than men. That ought |o have appealed to Her judgment. H Reggy—A good idea; a bold stwoke. 3ut what did she say? Cholly—She said that she thad noticed that aw—that real men were Scarce. I got to thinking about her •emark, and I actually fohgot to pro- ase. In A. D. 3000. Mrs. Smith—I found a horse-shoe today. In olden times they considered that an omen of luck—do you think it is? Smith—Well, I should say so. Why. if It's a genuine shoe we can sell it for $500! Let me see it quick! Editor's Chamber of Horrors. Exchange Editor—I understand that our editor-in-chief has been drinking rather hard of late. City Editor—I should say he had. Delirious for a couple of days. I stayed with him last night, and he saw war rumors all the time. They're Always Doing Good. After Bigger Game. iTom—What a decent sort of fellow iat chap Symons is to be sure. (GDiclc—Why do you think so? —I just met him on the street (is morning for a moment or two, and gave me one of the best cigars I fer struck. lick—Humph! He gave me an •ociously bad one the other day when wanted to borrow $5. I wonder iat he wants to get from you' Morning breaks upon Beersheba. There is an «*arly stir in the house of old Abraham. There has been trouble among the domestics. Hagar, an assistant In the household, and her son, a brisk lad of sixteen years, have become Impudent and insolent, and Sarah, the mistress of the household, puts her foot down very hard and says that they will have to leave the premises. They are packing up now. Abraham, knowing that the journey before his servant and her son will be very long and across desolate places, In the kindness of his heart sets about putting up some bread and a bottle with water in it. It is a very plain lUnch that Abraham provides, but I warrant you there would have been enough of it had they not lost their way. "God be. with you!" said old Abraham as he gave the lunch to Hagar and a good many charges as to how she should conduct the journey. Ishmael, the boy, I suppose, bounded away in the morning light. Boys always like a change. Poor Ishmael! He has no idea of the disasters that are abea'd of him. Hagar gives one long, lingering look on the familiar place where she had spent so many happy days, each scene associated with the pride and joy of her heart, young Ishmael. The scorching noon comes on. The air Is stifling and moves across the desert with insufferable suffocation. Ishmael, the boy, begins to complain and lies down, but Hagar rouses him up, saying nothing about her own weariness or the sweltering heat; for No Appreciation There. Samuel Stubble—This here prosperi- f|is kinder one-sided, after all. Jill's. Stubble—How so, Samuel? Samuel Stubble—Why, we're gittin' pre of the .necessaries of life than we in most lines, but I take notice that |Is here doctor you had prescribes |e same old size in doses that he did aen times was close. The Spider—Come in, my frendt, und I sells you a nice, cheap suit! The Fly—What, do you do business on the Sabbath? The Spider—Ach! Dis ain't pisness! Dis vas charity, I sells so cheap!—Up- to-Date. Light Luxuries. fjJelinda—Why, paw, what do you ep the iamp burning in the day time ffr? It doesn't make the room any glhter. You didn't do it last winter. Jncle Harclacre—Well, I kin afford here luxuries this year. Got as much fer my wheat as I did st year. Washington's 1'lan. "I won by beating retreats," said Gen. Washington at the close of the war. "Whenever I found the enemy too strong I beat st retreat. "But you won many victories," said Cornwallis. "Well," said George, with a twinkle in his eye, "doesn't a victory beat a retreat?" Creditor—May I ask whether you Sever expect to meet your indebted- f-ness? Hardup—Meet it? Why, great Scott, |man, I meet it every time I go into the street! Don't you throw it into my | face often enough?—Up-to-Date. A Friendly Word to Richard Third. | We understand it's in the play—that Shakespeare meant, of course. That you should stride about and yell, "My kingdom for a horse." But times have changed, and folks will freeze you cold as any icicle. Unless you sing out after this, "My kingdom for a bicycle." Oh, Sympathetic Woman I Miss Snagsby—How could I refuse him? He has such nobility, such bravery and courage. Miss ."WUhertougue—lie must have or be'd never have proposed. Rain Fulls on the Just and Unjust Alike. Reuben Rcstanrust—Wheat up ter ninety cents yet? Ah, that's prosperity. I feel like gittin' out and yellin'. Henry Hoecorn—But you didn't raise any wheat. Reuben Restanrust—I know it, but I guess I kin borrer of them that did. A wave of prosperity hits everything in its path. From One Extreme to Another. Gavin—Don't you think Rogers is going to extremes in accepting that new position? Bailey—Oh! I don't know. He is a first-class salesman. Gavin—Yes; but remember he was formerly in a liquor store, and is now going into a dry-goods store. Beats the Poetic Fire, Friend—Why is it that you chaps always get Inspired at the sight of a snow storm? I- the divine afflatus rampant at such times?. Trenchant Penn (the celebrated poet)—No, not exactly. At such times a fellow has got to hustle at something or other in order to buy coal. The Truth About It. "George," said the elder Washington. "Why did you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet?" "Fathev, I cannot tell a lie," said George, "I did it with my little hatchet because I couldn't find your razor," T.ost the Recipe, Perhaps. Aunt Maria—And did the angels bring a little baby to your house? Clara—Yes, but I guess the angels are awful busy lately. That baby wasn't half finished. They forgot the hair, and it hasn't a tooth in its head First In War, Etc. Eddie—George Washington was a winner, wasn't he, pa? Father—What do you mean, Eddie? Eddie—Why, he had three firsts to his credit, didn't he? Nearer the Organ of Advice. He—Phrenologists locate benevolence exactly at the top of the head. She—Yes, as far away frpm the pocfe* etbook as possible. mothers can endure anything. Trudge, trudge, trudge. Crossing the dead level of the desert, how wearily a.nd slowly the miles slip by! A tamarind that see'med hours ago to stand only just a little ahead, inviting the travelers to come under its shadow, now is as far off as ever, or seemingly so. Night drops upon the desert, and the travelers are pillowless. Ishmael, very weary, I suppose, instantly fell asleep. Hagar, as the shadows of the night begin to lap over each other—Hagar hugs her weary boy to her bosom and thinks of the fact that it is her fault that they are In the desert. A star looks out, and every falling tear it kisses with a sparkle. A wing of wind comes over th« hot earth and lifts the locks from the fevered brow of the boy. Hagar sleeps fitfully, and in her dreams travels over the weary day, and half awakes her son by crying out in her sleep, "Ishmael! Ishmael!" And so they go on day after day and night after night, for they have lost their way. No path in the shifting sands; no signs in the burning sky. The sack empty of the flour; the water gone from the bottle. What shall she do? As she puts her fainting Ishmael under a stunted shrub of ths arid plain, she sees the blood-shot eye, and feels the hot hand, and watches the blood bursting from the cracked tongue, and there is a shriek in the desert of Beersheba, "We shall die! We shall die!" Now, no mother was ever made strong enough to hear her son cry in vain for a drink. Heretofore she had cheered her boy by promising a speedy end of the journey, and even smiled upon him when she felt desperately enough. Now there is nothing to do but place him under a shrub and let him die. She had thought that she would sit there and watch until the spirit of her boy would go away forever, and then she would breathe out her own life on his silent heart; but as the boy begins to claw his tongue in agony of thirst and struggle in distortion, and begs his mother to slay him, she cannot endure the spectacle. She puts him under a shrub and goes off a bow-shot, and begins to weep until all the desert seems sobbing, and her cry strikes clear through the heavens; and an angel of God comes out on a cloud, and looks down upon the appalling grief and cries: "Hagar, what aileth thee?" She looks up and she sees the angel point- Ing to a well of water, where she fills the bottle for the lad. Thank God! Thank God! I learn from this Oriental scene, in the first place, what a sad thing it is when people do not know their place, and get too proud for their business! Hagar was an assistant in that household, but she wanted to rule there. She ridiculed and jeered until her son, Ishmael, got the same tricks. She dashed out her own happiness, and threw Sarah into a great fret; and if she had stayed much longer in that household she would have upset calm Abraham's equilibrium. My friends, one-half oi the trouble in the world today comes from the fact that people do not know their place, or, finding their place, wil not stay in It. When we come Into the world there Is always a place ready foi Us. A place for Abraham. A place for Sarah. A place for Hagar. A place for Ishmael. A place for you and a, place for me. Our first duty Is to find our sphere; our second is, to keep It. We may be born In a sphere far off from the one for which God finally intends us. Slxtus V. waa born on the low ground, anc was a swineherd; God called him up to wave a sceptre. Ferguson spent his early days in looking after sheep; Goc called him up to look after stars, anc be a shepherd watching the flocks o light on 'the hillsides of heaven, Hogarth began by engraving pewter pots; God raised him to stand in the enchanted realm of a painter. The shoemaker's bench held Bloomfleld for a little while; but God raised him to sit in the chair of a philosopher and a Christian scholar. The soap-boiler of London could not keep his son In that business, for God had decided that Hawley was to be one of the greatest astronomers of England. On the other hand we may be born in a sphere a little higher than that for which God intends us. We may be born in a castle, and play In a costly conservatory, and feed high-bred pointers, and angle for gold-fish in artificial ponds, and be familiar with princes; yet God may better havo fitted us for a carpenter's shop, or dentists's forceps, or a weaver's shuttle, or a blacksmith's forge. The great thing is to find just the sphere for which'God intended us, and then to occupy that sphere, and Occupy it forever. Here Is a man God fashioned to make a plow. There Is a man God fashioned to make a constitution. The man who makes the plow is just as honorable as the man who makes the constitution. There is a woman who was made to fashion a robe, and yonder is one intended to be a queen and wear it. It seems to mo that in the one case as in the other, God appoints the sphere, and the needle is just as respectable in his sight as the sceptre. I do not know but that the world would long ago have been saved if some of the men out of the ministry were in it, and some of those who are in it were out of it. I really think that one-half the world may be divided into two quarters—those who have not found their sphere, and those who, having found it, are not willing to stay there. How many are struggling for a position a little higher than that which God intended for them. The bondswoman wants to be mistress. Hagar kaeps crowding Sarah. The small wheel of a watch which beautifully went treading its golden pathway wants to be the balance-wheel, and the sparrow with chagrin drops into the brook because it cannot, like the eagle, cut a circle under the sun. In the Lord's army we all want to be brigadier-generals! The sloop says: "More mast, more tonnage, more canvas. Oh, that I were a topsail schooner, or a full-rigged brig, or a Cunard steamer!" And so the world is filled vith cries of discontent, because wo are not willing to stay in the place where lod put us and intended us to be. My riends, be not too proud to do any- hing God tells you to do; for the lack jf a right disposition in this respect the world is strewn with wandering Hagars and Ishmaels. God has given each one of us a work to do. You carry a cuttle of coal up that dark alley. You distribute that Christian tract. You ;ive $10,000 to the missionary cause. You for fifteen years sit with chronic heumatism, displaying the beauty of Christian submission. Whatever God calls you to, whether it win hissing or huzza; whether to walk under triumphal arch or lift the sot out of the ditch; whether it be to preach on a Pentecost or tell some wanderer of the street of the mercy of the Christ' of Mary Magdalene; whether it be to weave a garland for a laughing child on a spring morning and call her a May Queen, or to comb out the tangled locks of a waif of the street, and cut up one of your old dresses to fit her out for the sanctuary—do it, and do it right away. Whether it be a crown or yoke, do not fidget. Everlasting lonors upon those who do their work, and do their whole work, and are contented in the sphere in which God has put them; while there is wandering, and exile, and desolation, and wilderness for discontented Hagar and Ishmael. Who is that boy at Button Pool, Plymouth, England, barefooted, wading down into the slush and slime, until his bare foot comes upon a piece of glass and he lifts it, bleeding and pain- struck? That wound in the foot decides that he be sedentary in his life, decides that he be a student. That wound by the glass in the foot decides that he shall be John Kitto, who shall provide the best religious encyclopedia the world has ever had provided, and with his other writings as well, throwing a light upon the Word of God such as has come from no other man In this century. O mother, mother, that little hand that wanders over your face may yet be lifted to hurl thunder-bolts of war or drop benedictions! That little voice may blaspheme God in the grogshop or cry "Forward!" to the Lord's hosts as they go out for their last victory. My mind this morning leaps thirty years ahead, and I see a merchant prince of New York. One stroke of his pen brings a ship out of Canton. Another stroke of his pen brings a ship into Madras. He is mighty in all the money markets of the world. Who is he? He sits on Sabbaths beside you in church. My mind leaps thirty years forward from this time and I find myself in a relief association. A great multitude of Christian women have met together for a generous purpose. There is one woman in that crowd who seems to have the confidence of all the others, and they all look up to her fop her counsel and for her prayers. Who is she? This afternoon you will find her in the Sabbath school, while the teacher tells her of that Christ who clothed the naked, and fed the hungry, and healed the sick. My mind leaps forward thirty years from now, and I find myself in an African jungle; and there is a missionary of the cross addressing the natives, and their dusky countenances are irradiated with the glad tidings of great joy and salvation. Who is he? Did you not hear his voice today in the opening eoijg of your church service? I learn one more lesson frqm, < Oriental scene, and that Is, that every, wilderness has a well in it. Hagar and Ishmael gave up to die. Hagar's heart sank within her as she heard her child crying: "Water! water! water!" "Ahl" she says, "my darling, there is no Water. This is a desert." And then God's angel said from the cloud: "What aileth thee, Hgaar? And she looked up and saw him pointing to a well of water, where she filled the bottle tor the lad. Blessed be God .that th«e is in every wilderness a well, if you only know how to find It—fountains for all these thirsty souls. On that last day, on that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried: "If an? man thirst, let him come to me and drink." All these other fountains you find are mere mirages of the desert. Paracelsus, you know, spent his tim<i in trying to find out the elixir of life —a liquid, which, if taken, would keep one perpetually young in this world, and would change the aged back again to youth. Of course he was disappointed; he found not the elixir. But here I tell you of the elixir of everlasting life bursting from the "Rock of Ages," and that drinking that water you shall never get old, and you will never be sick, and you will never die. "Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters." Ah! here is a man who says: "I have been looking for that fountain a great while, but can't find it." And here is some one else who says: "I believe all you say, but I have been trudging along in the wilderness and can't find the fountain." Do you know the reason? I will tell you. You never looked in the right direction. "Oh," you say, "I have looked everywhere. I havo looked north, south, east and west, and I haven't found the fountain." Why, you are not looking in the right direction at all Look up, where Hagar looked. She never would have found the fountain at all, but when she heard the voice of the angel she looked up, and she saw the finger pointing to the supply. And 0 soul, if today with one earnest, Intense prayer you would only look up to Christ, he would point you down to the supply in the wilderness. "Look unto me, all ye ends of the earth, anc be yo saved; for I am God, and there is none else!" Look! Look, as Hagar looked! Yes, there is a well for every deseri of bereavement. Looking over any au dience I notice signs of mourning and America's Greatest Medicine Greatest, Because in cases of sia it lifts a touch like magic, Which just iiits the spot, brings rellei to the sufferer, and gives tone and strength to the stomach as no other medicine does. j/ could Not Eat without Pain. ( ^ " For many years I have been a auffefe* rom a severe case of dyspepsia, t could toot eat without great pain In tny stomach and would be sick and vomit up what ti did eat. One day I read of a case cured by Hood's Sarsaparllla. 1 told my husband I believed this medicine would help He Went right away and got a hot* woe. Have you found consolation Oh, man bereft, oh, woman bereft, have you found consolation? Hearse afte hearse. We step from one grave hil lock to another grave hillock. We fol low corpses, ourselves soon to be Ilk them. The world Is in mourning fo its dead. Every * *"*"«* me, tie of Hood's Sareaparilla. I took fort* jottles and I was cured." MSB. At&isK 3TIVBRB, Makanda, Illinois, Sarsa- ' parilla Is America's Greatest Medicine. $1 i six for $5. Sold t>y all druggists. Get only Hood's. Hood's nre the best after-dinner « . «. r»!ll-. nre me oestaiicr-uiniior flood S PHIS pms, aid digestion. 260. CURRENT ITEMS OF INTEREST. The average amoxtnt of sickness in human life is nine days out of the year. Everything comes to him who waits, but a lot of other things wait for him who goes after them. On the west and southwest coasts ol Corca the tide rises and falls from twenty-six to thirty-eight feet. Keys of bronze and iron have been found in Greece and Italy dating from at least the seventh century beforfl Christ. The oldest Freemason in Now England is William Earle Cook, of Portsmouth, R. I., who has just celebrated his 101st birthday. The tusks of 75,000 elephants are required every year to supply the world's ivory knife handles, billiard balls and piano keys. A simple remedy for sleeplessness is in common use in'' Sweden. A napkin is dipped in cold water, slightly wrung 1 , and then laid across the eyes. It is said that excessive tea-drinking among the humbler classes of Ireland has caused an alarming increase of insanity, especially among women. Evansville, Indiana, has just erected a whipping-post for the correction ol bad boys. An old and hitherto forgotten statute permits this form oi punishment. The cards of admission to a recent- theatrical entertainment in Boston contained this inscription: "Ladies are requested to remove their ha.ts as far as possible." •[ A whizzing sound in the air drew s ea. ve the attention of the residentsof Dubois, sepulchre of some buried joy. But sing , m ye to God; every wilderness has a well In it; and I come to that well today, and I begin to draw water for you from that well. If you have lived in the country you have sometimes taken hold of the rope of the old well-sweep, and you know how the bucket came up, dripping with bright, cool water. And I lay hold of the rope of God's mercy and I begin to draw on that Gospel well-sweep, and I see the buckets coming up. Thirsty soul! Here is one bucket of life! Come and drink of it. "Whosoever will, let him come and take of the water of life freely." I pull away again at the rope, and another bucket comes up. It is this promise: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I lay hold of the rope again, and I pull away with all my strength, and the bucket comes up, bright, and beautiful, and cool. Here is the promise: "Come unto me, all yo who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." LINK FOUND TOO LATE. Heirs Had Idaho, and some of them saw aeorlite dash through space and bury itself in the sand. The noise waa heard at a distance of twenty miles. James Turner, a stockman, who was near the spot where the air-stone fell, was so overcome that for hours he was demented. 1 —_ — *< Educate Your Bowels With Ciisearetl Gundy Cathartic, euro constipation forever. lOo. 25o. If C. C. 0. fall druggists rctuud money. A pipe worth $500,000 is smoked by the shah of Persia on state occasions. It is ornamented with costly gems. Time of Grace Allowed the Klapaed. It was one of those big English estates which was to make a great many people rich if all the links in the long chain of ancestry could be found, says the New York Times. The legatees, in this country had twenty-one years in which to prove their claim before the property would revert to the crown. Everything possible had been done and one link was still missing. This was, an old family Bible containing certain necessary records. It was supposed to have been burned at the time of the Deerfield massacre, but, notwithstanding, every effort had been made to find it if by any possibility it was in existence; but without success and the time expired. Two years later one of the legatees, a New York woman, chanced to see in a paper the advertisement of a woman who wanted work. The advertiser had signed her name, and it was a family name of the woman who was one of the' claimants for the English estate. It was perhaps the persistent fascination which the earnest searcher into genealogical records never loses, and the force of habit formed in many years' search for precious documents, which interested her at once. She answered the advertisement in person, found that the woman had been the wife of a member of her family, who had died, leaving her in financial straits which had forced her to advertise for something to do to support herself. But the strange and romantic part of the story was that among old books and papers which had been cherished as having belonged to her husband, the woman had the old Bible, with its register of births deaths, the only link thjt had beep needed to obtain, now that it where it a Both the method and results when Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and acts gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, Liver and Bowels, cleanses the system effectually, dispels colds, headaches and fevers and cures habitual constipation. Syrup of Figs is the only remedy of its kind ever produced, pleasing to the taste and acceptable to the stomach, prompt in its action and truly beneficial in ita effects, prepared only from the roost healthy and agreeable substances, its many excellent qualities commend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known, Syrup of Figs is for sale in 50 cent bottles by all leading druggists. Any reliable druggist who may not have it on hand will procure it promptly for any one who wishes to try it. Do not accept any substitute. CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CO. 3AH PAYS THE rRAYT Blt9T80At.es. UA9T MONEY JONES OF BINGHAMTON N. Y.