The Illustrated Leicester Chronicle. from Leicester, Leicestershire, England on December 4, 1915 · 20
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The Illustrated Leicester Chronicle. from Leicester, Leicestershire, England · 20

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Location:
Leicester, Leicestershire, England
Issue Date:
Saturday, December 4, 1915
Page:
20
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I PICTORIAL HUMOUR. • QUITE A FACT. •80 you want to marry my daughter. sin l "'hat ars your principles? Are you temperate?" be asked of a candidate for the position of son-in-low. - "Temperate!" was th• reply. " Why, lam so strict that it gives me pain even to Bud my bents tight." RISE OR FA. CSniffkins:"Ah, proud beauty! You spurn my lova now, but, let me tell you . I will :tot always be • clerk. I—" The Heartless One: "Thut's so. You may lose your job." _........—. THE LIMIT. Jones: "If Mr. Oldboy makes any such as- Imrthan I will denounce Mm as a liar!" , Chairman: "Mr. Jones, I call you to order. ' Our b74aws do not allow you to go that far." Jones: "Then I call Mr. Oldboy a liar as far ilta it is permitted by the by-laws of this woo elation." i• ___...--- NAUGHTY BOY. , Mamma," exclaimed the little lioxton girl in bornfled tones, "please speak to brother Emer• ' oen. He's been playing with these common little boys around the corner again, and he's lasing dreadful language." " What's he anyine" asked mamma. "He's one infinitive after anotherV ALL splittbag F ff A CHOU'I I'aps (nearly wikl from seise of Willy's new slrum)i "Good heavens! Ti that child isn't soon seised with a longing to see what's inside that entin I'll have to prompt him!" -4,-- A TRAGIC SUCCESS. 'Wen, Bobby, how is your sister F" asked the parson. , • oh. she's eick in bed; hurt herself terrible." eeplied the youth. ' I'm sorry to bear that. How did it happen?" "We were playin' who could lean furthest .ut of the window, and she won!" IT WENT HOME. A Irf, _ prominent - In Wre — r, - wi - s - o - - later two months widowhood, took unto kbameit another eponqe, was very indignant when be read in one , . *I the local papers the figloortag notice of his , . marriage:— '. "The wedding waq very quiet, owing to a re• s mut berwenent in the bridegroom's family." MYRA $ TIM WORD. One of the officers in a volunteer regiment years ago was much disliked by his men. One evenas he was returning home, he slipped into some deep vaster. A private in his regiment hap- Cagto see him, 2sul after some trouble succeeded tlling him out. The officer was profuse in his tasks, and asked his rescuer the beat way he seed reward him. "The be 4 way you can ward me," said thc soldier, "is to keep your ath shut and say nowt about it." "Why, me e Wow," said the astonished officer.'Why in wink ins to say nothing about it?" "Belt the follows knew I'd pilled you out they'd _ _ 1 (1-1 k (A) . _7\ Qs, '2) . • 'fig .47// ,- ' 'Z - - / 1 119 4 - i ... • 8 /, Ve 11 • • • 1 1 1 r : • , • ir ...,• ,- 7 - r ri, ,, # 0, , . , •i• 1 ' i . , PI I. ,l I• 411 - IL, /7/7/741/1 i/V727/ / • 'I I • t., i • or ._ . ' ' e t di' Ptia • iiiill FA , 7O, Si , I I$„, ~,,„. . .., ...... , .._ -... . t...-. .:-...---- -:-.... , _ ..... -- 6. 'E OF EVILS. _ THE ILLUSTRATED LEICESTER CHRONICLE. OUR COMIC PAGE. IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST! flhe Post-rryss One 11/ . lk art This Xmas will be marked by a revival of the Christmas Box habit, as with women filling so many of the capacities in which men have been emyloyed, we shall find it hard to resist their importunities at the Festive Season. A STRIKING LIKENESS. Pat: "Why is a sleepless man like a lawyer, Mike?." Mike: "Can't tell." Pat' He jailers! sure he lies first on one side and then on the other, and he is wide awake all the time; and when he dies Lies still!"—"Wvekly Irish Times." NOT OBEYING THIS TIME. A company of Sherwood Foresters mere walking along the bank of a river, when suddenly the commanding officer shouted " Fall in !" "No fear !" answered a raw recruit, " I didn't join the Coldstream Guards!" NIB 'mason. Mamma: "Bobbie, does your oar ache% "---Bobbie: " No, mainma."—Mair.nuL: "Then why do you put cotton wool in it!' '—Bobbie: "Well, mamma, you know you keep on telling me that I learn so little, becau.e what goes in at, one ear conies out at the other. So I've plugged the other up." FOR APPEARANCE SAKE. One day Pat, appeared on the street with a tinge tear in one of his coat, sleeves. "Look here, Pat," protested a friend why don't you gat that hole mended P "—" Not, 01, sor," said Pat, a hole may be the result of an accident, but a patch is a suro sign of poverty."--(Cass..li's.) QUIT, RIGHT. A pompous manufacturer of niachinery was stowing a stranger over his factory. "Fine piece of work, isn't, it?' he said, when they were looking at a very ingenious machine that was ready for going away. Yes,' said the visitor, "but you cannot hold a candle to the goods we are turning out." "Indeed,' said the chagrined manufacturer, "and what is your line?" Gunpowder," was the nply. TOMMY AND Nls COUNTRY. Tommy, to Army Cook : " My soup's full of dirt. 'I reckon if you kept the lid on the pot it'd be better, don't, you!" Cook (severely) : " Your business in to servo your country, my lad." Tommy : " Yes, but not to eat it." THAT TAKING WAY. James and John were discussing sensitive peo. plc in general when Janice said to John: " 1 don't know how it comes, but I'm very sensitive, and often take things to myself that. were never intended for me." "Oh," exclaimed John, " I knew a chap who got six months for the same thing."—" Weekly Irish Times." DOWEL TOO MUCH. "SAy, cosier," said Mrs. Flanagan,- but ain't you the man I bought that rug off six months ago? '— "No, madam. not me." replied the cosier nervously. —" But you closely resemble him."—" But it wasn't me."—" sure?"" Yee, quits sure."—" Well," said Mrs. Flanagan, "I thought that you were he became Mrs. Smith wanted one and I was asked to get one for her," and then the eoster cellapsfsl. A MISUNDERSTANDING. Dentist: " Veil, my lad, will you have it ii4kort out with gas, or with comine!" Ommtry Lid " With ' you idiot; I don't want it taken uitt in the dark." WAR TIME ECONOMY. Mary had just started at. a now situation. On., day !tor mistre , s asked how her people at limn.. went on about coal now prices were so high. Mary said. "It's like this; mum. Every day my brother stands on the railings, and when the ongiuos go by he makca faces at the drivers They throws the oast at him in a temper, so you see we have not bought any as yet. HIE CHEERFUL CWT. Bobby's father had given him a sixpence and a two-shilling piece, telling him he might rit when he pleased in the contribution plate. " Which did you give. Bobby?" his father asked when the boy came from church. "Well. father, I thought at first I ought to put in the two-shilling piece," said Bobby. " but just in time I remembered, • The Lord kveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the bit .: pence a great deal more cheerfully, PIO I put that in. HELPING HIMSELF. A beggar once called at a grocer's shop and asked the grocer if he would help him a little. was the grocer's reply, " Why don't yon help vourrelf ; I hate laziness." 4 ' All right.' said the beggar, and stialch;iig up a Stilton clice.e and a loaf of bread, lie made off as fast as hi , ' legs could carry him. A FOAMIER'S NSW WAGONER. A farmer once advertised for a wagoner. alai an Irishman answered the advertisement. " Will. NC' said (Ito former. can von hold the plough! " Sure, air," said Pat. "t can hold any plough. - " All right,' said the farmer. "come and start in the morning." Pat went the nest morning as tolit. When he reached the field to plough, the fernier said. "Are you ready ?" " Yea. air, was Pot'oriT ll. "Conic on thr•ii, Turpin, Blossom, sad Dick," Ow farmer called out to the horses. "Whoa!" skewed Pat.. "Come on." bawled the farmer. "Whoa!" again shouted Pat. "How on carth, air, do v. , 9 think I can hold the plough if three great horses I.ke thcse are going to pull it."... SAVIDI Pat found himself very hard up, and without 3 flake of tobacco in his pouch. ' Suddenly he saw a typical son of Sect:and (oming towards him. Be hadn't the cheek t,, ask a stranger for a pipeful of 'baccy - , so It limit notion etrnek him. Ho approached 14:411,1y, and asked : "Might l trouble you for the loan of a tfl4teh" '' Ay," said the Scot, and to gave him - just one. "Faith now !" exc!aimed the artful Irisluc.;' , . "I've come out without. my 'Lacey." "Ah,' said Sandy. with evident relief, " in it ease you'll not be needing my match." - Vhe D..osCovofnEsq t . I I • ' Il i .t a' 1 i i ' i Irit I 4 i / 1 I she Fbece Lady • - . L _ • ....P' ' •--.-. , I 1‘ e- l • 4. c 4.lSb \ '1 11 1 I $ 1 .4_ ...a . 11,.• i '.. and the clear. litle office-9;"L!, . ')...- !"; Ai .,..iw k I . 1 , v 7rii vit I , 1 , • ~.:, ; .:7 , 7 . ' l l%;''' It: • 'i1,,1 . ii ... s _ " OP le ili tiN . ° *4o4lek CC. .T.,.i.LY .S 0 .. I r • $ 41) be Conduct, is JOKES OF THE WEEK •-m*iiiii.7- PRIZES FOR JOKES. First and second prizes, of five shillings and half-s-crown respectively, will be given each week for the two best contributions suitable for publication on this,page. They should be written on a postcard, or sent in an envelope, with the name and address of the sender. Postcards or envelopes must be marked on the top left-hand corner • Jokes." Contributions need not be original. but if taken from other publications the sour,e num be indicated. They must be uritten only en one side of the fryer or card. Prises for the best jokes sent this week are awarded to Mrs. LONG, 271, Welford-road, Clarendon Park, Leicester. Miss ESTER RILLS, A i , - 6, Agylunpatreet, Leicester. APPEALING PO N HELP. After the fall of litoeinfontoin, sokliera were called upon, owing to the scarcity of civilians, to work on the railway. The weary men were lying in camp one night after a hard day's work, when a sergeant called ont, "Any of you men want to put your name down as railway porters, drivers, stokers, or for any other appointment connected with the railway r The silence was only broken by snores. Then cue Tommy slowly raised his bead, and drowsily muttered 'Pt me down as a sleeper." SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4th, 1915. rce. . '7. 6 -•"••• P: 4 • - 1 WHEN IS A CRIME NOT A CI:1111.: Ile; "Going home through a dark street WA sight I saw a man setting fire to his property." She: "Mercy! Did you call the police?" He: "Certainly not! It's no crimo for a mar to light a cigarette." ---46--- A MODEL SON. Fussy Old Gentleman (to chance travelling companion): "Have you any children, sir?" " Yee. sir; n "Ah, indeed. Does he smoke?" "No, sir; lie has never so much as touched a cigarette." "Allow me to . congratulate you. Does 114 114661.7 come home late?" "'lever. Ile goes to bed directly after dinner." "A model young man, sir, a model young man Doi, old is he?" "Just six months?" f: • 7/ ' 1 4 0, ,f ,,,, • • ,•, • 4 ' • '// - ' /, .'!••• 'I4IIIL,iA /// •/ • , • PRACTISING ON HIM. Lady Novelist: "Darling, I hare been untrue to you. I love another." Husband: "W -h-a-t!" Lady Novelist: "Calm your.elf, deer; calm yourself. That Is only what my heroine says to her husband. and I wanted to see how the hue. band would act." WHEN PRACTICE KILLS PRECEPT. "Why don't you get married?" said X— to a friend,ot his. "Because, in the first place, I detest women on prificiple; secondly and chiefly because marriage would interfere with my literary work." "What doss of work?" rI am writing love stories!"

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