The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa on March 21, 1894 · Page 7
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The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa · Page 7

Algona, Iowa
Issue Date:
Wednesday, March 21, 1894
Page 7
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THE OTPEE MB MOIKlHi ALGO^A IOWA WEBNESBAY MABCH 21, 1894. ' ,Cj£S '<;«'•? ? V- (,nii What th6 Country Agitator— -Do yoii ever stop to reflect, «ir, on the co'ndltion of this country? Citizen— 1 have thought much upon the Subject ; thought long and deeply. "Ah. lain glad to find .there is tsides myself who has given this great, subject attention. What, in your opinion, does this country most need at' the present time?" , "A fool Ifiller." _ _ this I,rtii(l of Promise Is the mighty West, the land that "tickled with a hoe laughs a harvest;" the El Do- fado of the miner; the goal of the agricultural emigrant. While it teems with 'all the elements o'f wealth and prosperity, some of the fairest and most fruitful portions of it bear a harvest' of malaria reaped in its fullness by those unprotected by a medicinal safeguard. -No one seeking or dwelling in a malarial locality is safe from the scourge without Hoi-tetter's Stomach Bitters. Emigrants, bear this in mind. Commercial travelers sojourning in malarious regions should carry a bottle of the Bitters in the traditional gripsack. Against the effects of exposure, mental or bodily overwork, damp and unwholesome tood or water, it is an infallible defense. Constipation, rheutnatisin, biliousness, dyspepsia, nervousness and loss of strength are all remedied by this genial restorative. i A feather from the dove's wing sometimes gvJMes ' the arrow that pierces her breast. '' !V OtB WIT AND HUMOR, \\ How'e Thlel 'We offer One Hundred Dollars reward for tmj Case of catarrh that cannot bo ourod by Hall's Catarrh Cure. F. J. CHENEY & CO,, Toledo, O. We, the undersigned, have known P. J. Cheney for the last 15 years, and believe him perfectly honorable in all business transactions and financially able to carry out any obligations made by their firm. W.EST & TIICAX, Wholesale Druggists, Toledo, O. WARDING, KIXNAN & MARVIX, Wholesale Druggists, Toledo, O. Hall's Catarrh CuYe is taken internally, acting directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Testimonials sent free. Price 75c per bottle. Sold by all druggists. . _ • The Chinese are a progressive people. According to their calendar this is the yearr910343. The Modern Way Commends itself to the well-informed, to do pleasantly and eft'ectually what was formerly done iu the crudest manner and disagreeably as well. To cleanse the system and break up 'colds, headaches and fevers without unpleasant after effects, use the delightful liquid laxative remedy, Syrup of Figs, Cauliflower is nothing but a cabbage with a college education. The 'Mid-Winter ' Fair a Success. To reach it take the only direct Una, the Union Pacific. Through first and. second class steepera, diners. Uur advertising matter tells you all about it. E. L. Lotuax, Gen 'I. Pass. «nd Tkt. Agt., Omaha, Neb. Thornton a 'drunken man's argument is usually wealk, it is always delivered with full f<j5c«. __^ _ Ask ,-fitocxwt the wonderful climate and resources •©!! Southern California. There never was such an opportunity for home seekers. For information regarding this Hection, ^address, J. A. Allison, lii-ewster block, ;Bain Diego, California, Give some people an ell au<l they'll take ell the rest of the alphabet. '** Elanmm'H Magic Corn Warranted to cure op money reXtuuJed. Ask your It. Trice IS cents. The.druggists resent the geiawal state- ment'that the red light is a «igu of danger. Shiloh's Consumption Cam Jssold on iv uiiarantcn. It cures ImilplKiit. l.'onsntnp. tioii. .It la the beat Couch Cure. SO.cta^&OcLs. & Sl.lXX Boarding-house coffee, like modern music, Is more or less reminiscent. Hegeinnn's Cliimplior fe«w2lli Glycerine. Cures ClmppeuHii lids und Kttoe, Tender or Sun> Feel., Chilblains. Piles, &u. C. U. Clark Co, New Haven, Ut, tUbe devil is not throwing any stones nt the church that raises its pastor'ssiUary by .public entertainments. The hog is an easy animal to cultivate. Ho takes root in any soil. The heart is no philosopher. toth in the way it acts, and in the way It's sold, is Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery. A long procession of diseases start from a torpid liver and impure blood. Take it, as you ought, when you,.f«el,the first symptoms (languor, lossol' appetite, dullness, depression). As an, appetizing, restorative -~ tonic, to repel- disease and build up the needed flesh and strength, there's nothing to equal it. It rouses every organ into healthful action, purifies and en- 1 -.riches the blood, braces up the whole system, and restores health and vigor. Mrs. SUSAN COEDEBT, of Rice, Bentim County, JUiiiru writes: " I have taken threo bottles of y«mr 'Golden Medical Discovery' und > feel quite w«ll nnd strong ? now, BO that I am able to — do my work without the Mrs. QOEDEBT. i eaB t fatigue," • Piowo Guar " f^BifP nci wC anteesa wua Gi Ely's Cream Balm Cleanses the Nasal l"UH8rt(;o8, Alluys Pain und Influminatlon, itestores the 8nnse of Taste and Siuoll. ileaU the Sores. Apply Balm Into each noitrll. Hilt BEOS., H Warren St., I, T. 3 OF A KIND, The Flying Dutchman Sulky Plow. The Mollne Lever Harrow- The Mollne Champion Corn Planter. Draw to these and ttll—your com crib. Cull on your donlcr or address MOLINE PLOW CO.. Mqllne, III. Good, live man wanted in every county to contract laud fcudluituB. Must have fair kaowledguof Tttlin.'s. State uroteut uccuimtluu, und address, wituVtamp, * MOHAN LAND Buildluu, Ues Sluinei, , Rock Island Saniiarium, HOCK ISLAND, jriueci with all modern appliances, Electricity, Mas- tage, Turkish, Electric, Hot Air aud Steam Bulbs. Jralned attendants. PUB. CHAIG, CARTEK ana ~ "^1, pjjyslcltiiis Iu chareo. ' UD< Protect ypur ,.,_.__ _J« money »i>d p»pcr« from burifliirB and flre. Erery f»rui«r and Morcli»nt owei U to bla fmijlv ' far Circular. |y. S 1 -'" CURRBNt LEVITIES OF THE FUNNY MAN. Satirical Pnrnsrnpha with Sliftfrp Point* —Metropolitan .Toiinmllsm Up to Date •—One Oh tho Fashion Editor—A Correct Diagnosis. What Me Wolitect. ." , i Fh-st Boy—AVhy weren't 5'ou out today? Sick? ' •"• Second Boy—Yes, been lyin' down all day. ' • "What's the matter?" "I don't know yet, but I hope it's small-pox. I've heard they don't give cod liver oil for small-pox-''—Good News. i Ea»v Conundrum fdr tlic l.iullcs. . Little 11 Johnny—Tommy Dodd will! grow iif). into a, regular dude if he'' doesn't look out.' Ijittle Dick—Ones? not. Little .Johnny—Yes,, he will. At schop! to-day I slipped into the cloak- rooni, and there <he was a washin'his hands. , What ]te Could Be. Teacher—You have missed every lesson this morning. What can you It'ope to heof)hie if, when you grow up, you. are obliged to answer every question with ."J don't know?" Little Boy ,(who has visited in Boston)—Guess I'll. haVe to be un aguos-, tic. . How to Keep Well. Little Boy—Dr. Knowitt says that jeoples most always cat too much. Mother—1 presume that is true. Little Boy—Well, if peoples would (us' let their chifdrens eat all they wants to, there wouldn't bo so much oft for the peoples-to eat thcirselves. (iininlno I'cssimlsm. Pessimist—Yes, sir, things nt'o all wrong; everything is going to the dogs, and there's got to be o, change— yes. sir, a ehangc at once—a teetotal change, from top to bottom; or, I just tell you, before many more years roll round, you'll see our best and most estimable citi/ens making tallow dips for a living, and Madame 1'atti singing on the streets and passing- around the hat. SKITS AND SQUIBS. '*? - * Parson—Do yoxi take this" woman' etc. v Smithkins—Yes, ma'am—er—"hem!— that is—aw—I meant—yes, sir. Parson—Do you take this man? etc. Bride—1 do. (P. S.—The simple conundrum is, will Smithkins occupy the position of captain or cabin boy as his connubial derelict drifts down the stream of life?) Virtue Rewarded. . Mother— -Did you . give sister the larger part of -the apple as I told you? Little Johnny — Yes, inamnia. "That is noble. And did you not feel happier for it?" "Yes'iu. Her part was rotten." Vas»rJ«s 0' *!»" AVoatlior. Little -Johnny — It's queer how thing's go. Mother — In what, way? Little Johnny — Las' Christmas I got a sled, an' there wasn't any snow; uoA the Chx-istunas before that I got skates, and there wasn't any ace: biit this Christmas I jyot new skates, and a new sled too, and there wasrn't «._ thin'g i could Ao all day unless 1- went iisliing, but I didn't get -any pole. Not I>ry. Lat!tl« <iirl— Oh, dear. I a.m awful tired of this geography lesson. Papa — Rather a, dry subject, no <J'O,ubt. .Little Girl—Oh, no. It's all about, rivet's. — - C !>ood A'uws. An Avorajje Tsircnt. Fond Father — My boy doesn't (seem to be learning anything. Long- S.uft'eri«ig Teacher — N-o, I am •afraid lie is Jiot improving- very rap- Idly. Fond Father— Huh! .'lust as 1 thought. .I'll send him to ii butter school. inn's Chunking l-ove. 'Small Son — 1 don't believe inuimnu loves .you liny more. Papa — Oil, 1 guess she does. . •"If 'she loved you she wouldn't want to make you unhappy, would she?" "Of course iaot." •"Well, she said sh« was 'going to tell y-ona to whip rue, anil you know it .al ways makes .you u.iuha-ppy to .have to whip HBO. " Not M'U«li Comfort. Little Girl — I wish I was a princess. Dcui't you wash you was a prince? Little Hoy— Nw, 1 .don't, "Wilay mot?" •"'Cause a prince luts to wvar his &uaday .clothes every day." II lH lieqiu.'gt iirau Reporter — I have come, sir, to ask for a raise. My clothes are iu rugs, and I haven't tasted food for seventy- two hours. Editor — YOU have beeii a faithful employee of this paper for six years. Your request is grunted. L now discharge you! .Reporter (gasping 1 for breath) — But, sir, how can that help me? Editor — Why, you are now eligible for the free bread and clothes given away by this paper. Grandpa— WhatJ Don't like fat? If yon don't eat fat you will grow up as thin as a rail. Little Grandson— When I grow up I want to earn lots of money, so as to take care of papa and mamma and you and grandma. "Grandpa's own grandson, so he is! But what has that to do with fat?" »'J can get an awful big salary «« a livipg skeleton, you know, grandpa. " Still In Doubt. Adorer—I know J atn poor, but I will- insure my life for'HWO.OOO, which, at (i percent interest, will give you enough to live on comfortably in case anything should 'happen to me. Sliss' Fliglrtie (doubtfully)— "Do you think it will be enough ,to support another husband? He Could Stand It. Mr. Mulhooly—I'hwat fur are ye/, inakin'such a noise on thot pianny? Y'r drivin' me distracted wid y'r racket, an' me hcad_aehin' loik it wud split in two paces. Danghter-^Them new neighbors nixt door has been complainin' of my playinY. " ' ' . —' Mr. Mulhooly—Itcgorru,. ,hammer harder. A Photographer's Kit. Drummer—Dramatic manager, I presume? Fellow Passenger—No, landscape photograplicr. I am getting up a new book entitled "Beautiful America." "Eh? Photographer? Then what you doing with that carload of theatrical scenery?" "The canvases are paAnted with .forest Sjcenes. I use them to cover up the bilious bitters andvpurgative J plll advertisements."—New York Weekly. TMiilanthopist—What's the matter? Tramp—Nervous prostration. Philanthropist—Impossible. Thai disease is brought on by overwork. Trump—Well, I've had nothing but work offered me since i struck this town.—Pu«k No.Chance for Him. Mr. fiotham—So you are going to settle in the United States? New Arrival (from South America)— Yes, sir; they've got to drawing'things a little two fine in South America U suit me. Why, sir, it's got so now thai a man can't even get a job at overthrowing a government unless he belongs to the Revolutionists union am' has paid his fees regularly for six months. A Holiday Dod^e. First merchant (sadly)—The holiday trade was a failure. Second merchant—Not with me. : sold out everything with a rush. "I'hew! How?" "l!ot up a guessing contest and gav«" "Guessing contest? What about?'' "Each i'ostumcr was allowed to guess what the things he bought were intended to be used for." Hard TiinoH. Old Highwayman—Glad to t-ee yell back safe. Did yehdoas I said—point y'r gun at every one that came along and yell, "Y'r money or y'r life?" Young highwayman (gloomily)—«• Yep. "Wot did yen git?" "Nawthiii' but lives." Like a Mummy. Wife—One might as well talk to a mummy as to you. You don't pay any more attention. Husband (busily)—I airsr« good deal like a mnmmy in one way "In what way?" "A mummy is pressed for time." Miseries of Dora—How miserable Arthur looks since 1 rejected him. Clara—1 don't wonder, poor fellow. Now he'll have to work for a living. What lie Never Ones. Housekeeper—You ought to bo ashamed to be beating your way through life, while honest people aru so busy. Tramp—I may have done some beating, mum, but one thing 1 can, s^y with a clear conscience, J nevex- beat carpets. Me—Give me a kiss, "won't you 1 ? She, vesitatingly—Well, I will if you won't five it away. "Going to make your hotel larger?" •Yes," answered the hotelkeepef. "It vlll be more innkeeping, She—DonJtyou think.-Miss Nice la in intellectual-looking gifl? He— Why, lio; I think she is' <juito pretty. Mrs. Noear — Do you think my daughter will be a musician? Pro- "essor—I gant zay madame. She may. She dell me she gome of a long-lived amily. Miss.-Elderleigh—I wonder why ,hey'rc introducing such old-fashioned dances. I can't, manage to learn ,hem. Miss Caustique—Oh, the steps ill all come back to you by and by. Aunty—So you have had your first meal at your new boarding-place? Was it a course dinner? Little Girl— Awfully. After the Meet, Miss Harkaway— And how did you get on tit the first !ence? Mr. Newe Nimrod—Oh, I—er —got the first fence. Gus—What do you girls do at your conversation club—just sit around and Btare at each other and talk? Clara— No, indeed; we play whist. Mrs. Wickwire—Why, Norah, there notliing of this lobster but.the shell. Sforah—Sure, mem, you didn't think J Oi would cuke it widout-cleaning it? Wingate—Tt must bo a queer kind of etiquette they teach at that young ladies' boarding school Miss Flyrto has just graduated from. Walker— ' Why so? Wingate—Oh, nothing, only I kissed her in the hallway in the dark the other night and she said Thanks!"^ ' •' ; ' A perfect cure'. Mr. Edward E. Broughton, 140 W. 19th Sti, New x ork City, N. Y , gays this: '-'I havd used several bottles or Dr. Bull's Cough Syrup In my family and Und it a perfect-cure. 1 cheerfully recommend iti" Speech is silver in Colorado, and Louisiana's sweetheart is sugar. The best remedy for rheumatism that has vet been discovered. Mr. D. H. Tyler, 150 W. Main St., Galesburg, Ills., writes: "1 have used a good many bottles of Salvation Oil, and think il the best remedy for rheumatism I ever used." Financial-cramp, is. particularly danger- the man in the swim. 85,800 1?KOH TEN ACKES. A. M. Lamb, a market gardener in Pennsylvania, cleared $5,800 on five acres of cabbage and five acres of onions. The reason of this, he says was because Salzer's seeds are so extremely early and wondrously productive. Lightning Cabbage and King of the Earliest Onions he had in the market three weeks ahead of any other home-grown sorts, and consequently received fancy prices. Salzer sends 35 packages earliest vegetable seed, sufficient for a family, for $1, postpaid. If You Will tint This Out anil Snnrt It •With-Oc postage 1 to the" John A. Salzer Seed Co., La Crosse, Wis., you will receive their mammoth catalogue and a trial package of "Get There, Eli," the sixteen-day radish. w On the still hunt—internal revenue officers. "IJenniit politics" is mainly remarkable for the surplus of shucks. What a girl thitxks, a woman would lite to do. r3p*^tf?ifi^^ , - . » • •.,-',- .j* V , r« . ' 'f ttMr i > •* -• D URING hard times con* suffiers cannot afford to experiment with inferior brands of baking powder. It is NOW that the great strength and purity of the ROYAL make it indispensable to those who desire to practise economy in the kitchen. Each spoonful does its perfect work. Its increasing sale bears u , witness that it is a necessity to the prudent—it goes further. ROYAL BAKINQ POWDER CO., 106 WALL ST., NEW YORK. Spring Dlamoncte. ,, They were passing a fruit store on Jeffpr- sou avenue.- •'-"',,'. - "Oh, my I" she exclaimed, "loolr-a't'thosq' strawberries. Aren't they a love'Iy* red}" "Of course they are," he replied; "that's 1 the way they blush at the price -asked 'for ' them." _ Facts Worth Knowing. In all diseases of the nasal mucous membrane the remedy used must bo non-irritating. Nothing satisfactory can be accomplished with douches, snuffs or powders, because they are all irritating, do not reach the affected surfaces and should be abandoned as failures. A multitude of persons who had for years borne all the worry and pain that catarrh can inflict, testify to radical and permanent cures wrought by Ely's Cream Balm. 1 "One chop-house I'have no use- : f6r;" remarked' the tramp as he bbufHed Ly the charity -wood-yard. A slight cold, if nevlected, often attacks the lungs. BIIOWN'S BHONCUIAI^ TROCHES give sure and immediate relief. Hold only in boxes. Price 25 cts. The egotist has no use for the dotted i— he inflicts capital punishment on bis readers. Anyone would be justified in recommending Beechom'B Pills for all affections of the liver and other vital organs. The Chicago orchestra is in business for sound , issues—on the .$50,000 guarantee ; basis.' •'•" ' LORDS OF CREATION. There is a growing tendency on tin* • part of wealthy-'young men to rexa&&fc .single. ,. • •-..••• "Is Brown still in the gtwi«rsB»Dnt service?" "Yes; ten years, ior robbing- a post-office." There are 10,000 copyrighted volnines- of American poetry in the congressional library at Washington. i Many clergymen, both in this country and abroad, ride bicycles in g-oing- from their homes to their places of worship. There is one sure way to stop o. small boy from asking questions, tuut ?tllat"way''iB'!nbt i >saii'«a'ctory If- have any further use for the hoy. By permitting smoking only as ward for good behavior, the Belgian.! prison authorities have been ablo to* weed out a great many petty troubles. Teacher—Do you understand the- phrase "rapid enunciation?" Boy- It's the way folks say their prayers on* cold nights. Some of the women of China are t*— pinning to comprehend the folly of-"' compressing the feet. A missipnaiy has been enlightening them on tlis- 'aub.iect. 55 ST. JACOBS OIL PAINS And all the World Knouts the COf{H is SXirJOf. Skin Eruptions and similar annoyances are caused by impure blood, which will result in a more dreaded disease. Unless removed, slight impurities will develop into serious maladies. SCROFULA, ECZEMA, SALT RHEUM I have:for Dome time been a sufferer from a severe blood trouble, for which I took many remedies that did mo 110 good. I have now taken four bottles of with the most wonderful results. Am oujovlng tlio best health I over knew, have gained/twenty pounds and my friends say tftey never saw me an welt I am feelthg quite like a new man. .:".' JOHN S. EDHLIN, Government Printing Office, Washington, O, 0. Trtatite on 'Blood and Skin Diseases mailed free to any address. SWIFT SPECIFIC CO., AITLA ARE THE RESULTS OF Bad Blood OA. UAVE <R a HiflRc so a Greatest KUcbec • Retnilsii&cts. !2tolUolil In a house. Surnjile paid , live centB.POBSHEE & M AKIN cinoli nCJICNESS AND HEAD NOISES CUBED 1 11H* U P" |J > I'vt-'ICa Hividliilu hurCiuIiluiiH. Wti)nj>rntli*NT4* Mknl HurcfHarul when AtlrunifldttiBritfl. ^'•'CDCC HurcfHarul when »tl runiedt«» full. Y. Wrllo furbook of pruoU IORTHERN PACIFIC LAND N GXX:EI.A.:E» XL. 3Et. and rnrr GOVERNMENT MILL Millions of ACKKH In Minneaotn, North Dakota, lion- tuna. Idaho, Wellington and Oregon. PUBLI TION8, with MBUH, cioncrlblng Uno runulnK.f hop, uruzina and timber lands Mulled fit P . EX /2Br^a*T > ticiterul Kmlirr«ll» . B. Q..RO>\T, > N T P . j{. „ J,. f 0 j"Wbeu wrltlus mention ibli j»per No. 50. DR. MeCREW IB THK OXJ.T SPECIALI3T- 1VBO TUKATS JbXJb PRIVATE DISEASES,, Weakness and Secret.' JHsoroera oi MEN ONLY. Kvery euro RTiiruntetia. 18 yearn oxpt'rienoe; T" yours Iu Onmliu. Writefo* book Tor I nl 1 purllculnra - 14tli and l^umau) Sla., OMAHA, • Especially for Farmers, Miners, rt. R. Hands and others. Double sola ex» tending down to the heel. EXTRA WEARING QUAI4TY, Thousands of Rubber Boot wearers testify this is the best they ever had. fpr thOIII & Q 4 don't be persuaded into an inferior article. OUT TUIC OUT 4o<i8«i)|>itouwiUii5cents«BiB«<(iT«biK«tBr«iyi OUT THI9 HUB A GREAT BIG BOOK '1 K l rlor T roas* (Pages nearly » foot square). Emileas entertainment (or the million. 1$ Short Starlet, 20 Parlor Gaiuou, *60 KlddUw and Conundrum*, 1S6 Money-Making Secrets, 1(0 Aluurn Vereeu, 1 Uonum Croae Fiwcle, l Bear Puxzle, 1 Chinese Puzzle, 1 dree* 13 Puzzle, 1 Laughable Oaae of Fortune Telling, l Beat and Dumb Alphabet, IS* Penigns for Stamping Embroidery and Faj>cy Work, «4 Illustrated Kebutea, t Q*me Nine-Penny llonin, 1 Game Fox audOeeue 25 Pictures of Noted Pen ous, 100 Papular Songs, 10 Pieces of Musics, i Oracle at Kinntct and Fortune-Telling Tablet; l Buckuer'u Musical Chart (same as •old tor 11.00). the Marriage Looking Qlaas, au'l a number at i'lirtitlonf, Comlo Headings, etc. It you Bend FIFTEEN CENTS, together with this slip, »a o, fc-uaranu* of good faith that you will Help us make sales to your locality from our II uatrated Catalogue, SENT FREE, we will tend one ot these tireat Biff Books by ret' rn mall. TbU is a rare chance to neeqre amueemtnt and luutruotloc for J.O cents. Send for our catalogue. Send us narae«i of your friends. Address §11 orders to NATIONAL. PREMIUM 8UPPUY HQUSi, Tlmee SuUdln*, Chicago AeOQSFSgf, J. N, Bf I T P4VM3PS»T^9y4' Cheap Homes! In San Luis Valley. Colorado. ,• The Garden Spot of the Rocky fo ; Mountains..,. v UO.UOO ucres ot flne land, all under fiTst-ol«H»> irrlgatiug canals, with perpetual wmor rl^uL for sale cheap, fl years time, 6 per cent interest Grains, Grasses and Vegetables Grow Hereto Perfection. Crops sure; no drouths, no cyclones, BO Mto- zuruH abuudunco of pure artesian wuVtr; oll- maie unequaled. Wo have churohes, soboolq, railroads and uood markets. For rnapa, cUK I'ulara and full Information, address JAMES A, KELLY * CO,,Agents, Colorado Valley Land Co., MONTE VISTA. COUJi- McELREBS' IWINE OF CARDULt ? For Female Diseases, t»»»»»»»»»»^4»»»»»»»»»» t ' k J ' * , ..^ .t.. . ,v ^ *w ./ r .\'iFti«».-.js; . rvp^i.j*™fe«^,jW!nfc 1 :^Asjilwj^^ *". •* r ~',t~*•s-£8'.,r?L. fJ P.«?i*i. -, /..i %.JV,.L£^hJ€%!-i

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