The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa on July 27, 1892 · Page 6
Get access to this page with a Free Trial

The Algona Upper Des Moines from Algona, Iowa · Page 6

Algona, Iowa
Issue Date:
Wednesday, July 27, 1892
Page 6
Start Free Trial

THE WPEtt PgSMOtNES. ALOONA. IOWA, WEDNESDAY. JULY ft, 1892. IM«aiy»MaM^Ji^a^aj J ^.t^^- J ia_-jj-m^^v-i-^----^....,,... .„ , .^ „?_._,—. ... . •» 7 . • - - -------- .._...»—m-s^a-j^m.———^. msma, tfte Hal-vest of the Deep. Sfa'efr'plow tneecas with n thousand keel* .That pnu?c not -Ipht or day. Where th<; tcmpr^t. rooks nml vessel reels, Anrt the Irfllows ntvc to the thunder peals, . And the- winds hare room to plflj"— Front the lev north to the summer zone Hie countless dead is the seed that's sown I !rhey flow—the seas from the east and west* nut no furrow leaves a track. For n yielding- soil has tJie ocean's breast. And a hungry heart that can never rest, With herer a harvest back: And none but the iiltylnjr God alone Can count the cost of the seed that's sown. The grass (rrows green where our lored onei sleep, ^And the mourners' feet mar tread, But no watcher wails on the lonely deep Where the restless wlmrs of the sea gull sweep O'er the mute mi' coilined dead- No plaint from lips that are cold and white, But the moan of the sea through tile longj lone night. We wait for the harvest—by and bye The archanffe-rs trumpet, shall call— The night is long, but the dawo Is nigh Of n happier day and a fairer sky; Slay we hope, O, friend for us all. We'll tflke our place where the reapers stand By the garnered sheaves from the sen and land. Plow on, O keel', through the foaming brine And bury your treasures deep. There's a loving heart and it hand divine, To wrest that wealth from those depths of thine. And the ripened grain to reap. And the prisoned dead from the caves shal come At the trumpet penl. to the Harvest Home. —William Hougliton in Milwaukee Wisconsin C'LISTY. "She's coming, hoys! she's coming Clear the way! Make room and show proper respect!" Dave Howe swung himself over the Ion- paling fence which surrounded the Gay school and rushed excitedly toward a group of boys clustered about the west entrance. "Who is coming?" a half dozen demanded at once. "The queen of Salmagundi come to school on Monday," shouted Dave, dancing frantically abont. ' "Hats off! Get ready for a regular old eastern Balaam." Dave set the example, which was followed by several others—prostrating themselves upon the pavement in the most exaggerated manner as ashy, oddly dressed girl turned the corner and passed in. "Wouldn't Sue like a polygonation like that to wear?" Jeff Dorr whispered, as she disappeared through thu girl's entrance. "A coat of me-alo!" cried Dave. "Didn't I tell you she was coming. Say, girls, you've got one of the ancients now for sure," as a number of the girls came up. "It's a new scholar, and she's going to take the shine right off every one of you." "Dave Howe, how often has mother told you to stop using slang?" exclaimed his shocked sister Emma. "And you to stop chewing gum!" retorted Dave. "Oh, my! But won't she, though?" "Who is it, Jeff?" asked one. "When Dave once gets started with his foolishness you need not expect an attack of sense soon." "1 don't know.'Matighed Jeff. "Dave got us to salaam to her, so I guess she's somebody. What is her name, Dave?" "Queen of Sal—" "Dave Howe, do have a little sense, if you have lost your manners," his sister interrupted shortly. "I don't know her from Adam. Miss Peppery," Dave answered with mock humility. "She burst upon my startled vision—oh, stop, Jeff!" , "I can toll you who she is. She is just nobody." Belle Price, who had just oomo up, gave this information a tilt of her nose. "Do you remember old Woston?" she continued. "Old drunken Wuston, who used to • chase us when wo wero kids?" queried Davo. ."Yes, she is his girl. Her mother lias been somewhere in the backwoods upon a farm until now. Shu bus coma here to give C'listy, 'as she calls hor, an education. She takes -Mir washing, and I hoard her tell mother that she meant to make a teacher of her. The Wostons iiover did amount to any thing and it's ridiculous trying to make Mho is something out of one of them. simply nobody." "And we've boon salaaming to nobody," groaned Davo. "She's hero in school, but we're not obliged to have anything to do with her. Blood always * tells," continued Bello, amid Dave's prolonged groans. "Does she drink': 1 " he askud anxiously in a tragic whisper. "You know what 1 mean, Dave Howe," she, sharply replied. "Folks with such antecedents c;in't bo anybody." "Oh— oli, my!" Davo collapsed back upon his knees and with his head in his hands ga/.od at Hollo in ludicrous astonishment. The gong struck just -then, and all hurried away without, seeing a pale face at the cloakroom window above. Neither did thoy see fcho figure that darted through the hallway a few minutes later and thence down tho street. "Mother, mother, i couldn't stay! Who are wo? Who am 1 that I can't be anybody?" was passionate inquiry, as poor Galisla rushed in upon her mother. Mrs. Woston looked up from her ironing-board, then sat down trembling. "1 didn't think they'd say it to you, C'listy— a girl!" "Why caii't J be?" the girl asked. "Can't you get along and not mind it?" her mother pleaded. "Is it because my father was a drunkard— because men sold him drink— because ho couldn't keop from drinking— because ho diod in prison? Have I uhi'iiys got, u> i'aco il?" "Oh, C'listy, we can'i lielp that," her mother moaned. "We're poor, but I want you to bo somebody." "How can IP" cried the girl, fiercely. "How can I when thoy all say I can't? I hate every ono of thorn!" Her mother shivered. "Don't, C'listy! I don't like to see you so. You can — you can, if you will. Thoy can't slop you. Your pa was weak, but you're strong; only use that temper tho right way. You can do right; be a lady and learn. Nobody can keep you down if you're bound to go up. Bo somebody iu spitt of them. Oh, C'listy, try for my . sake!" Calista rushed ont of the house, as hei mother ended her appeal, with a burst of tears. An hour passed before she arose from beneath the oak tree where she had thrown .herself. Then she went back to the house with set lips and pale face. "I'll do it," she simply said. The next morning ?he was bnok in the schoolroom, outwardly unmindful of the cold looks, withdrawn skirts and upturned noses of the girls. It soon became evident that the Gay school pupils must wake up. It was irritating to think of C'listy Weston's leaving them behind her in the race for learning, but she was doing it, and when one day she gained a signal victory over Belle Price, who hail, always been first, open -war was declared. But she pressed bravely on until at last Dave Howe could not resist ;-poak- ing to her one day as sho passed out of the school-house. "Good for pluck. C'listy!" "What do you earn for my pluck?" she flashed back defiantly. "You set them at me from the first*" "Now. C'listy," drawled Dave, planting himself before her, "I'm a bigger barker than biter any day. I've~got to make fun of somebody. I'd <riiy Emma Howe herself. And you know you did look as odd as Dick's hatband that day. But you've changed mightily and I do admire pluck anywhere. Just you stick to it. C'listy, anil you'll pull through. Girls are queer" animals." "And boys, too," C'listy could not hfllp saying to herself, with a queer feeling, composed of anger and gladness. It was something, at least, to have gained ono friendly word. She would keep on. But Belle Price succeeded perfectly in making her miserable. She looke'd upon the despised girl as her rival now and her influence was all-power ful^with the others. Then came the offer of prizes to thu girls for the best essay. C'listy knew that she could write," and the" prize meant so much pecuniarily. So she set to work. Belle Price was also one of the contestants and a determined rival. The day was 'rapidly approaching, and Belle's admirers look occasion to state openly that their friend's production was not to bo excelled. The afternoon before the day sot for the exorcise Calista was about discouraged. Of what use to strive longer? Suddenly a cry rung 'through the school-room. "Fire! Fire!" There was a mad rush for the doors. The teachers' presence of mind enabled them to get out safely tho occupants of the rooms; but oiico outside it was discovered that C'listy and Belle wore missing. For a minute, as the lines passed out rapidly C'listy had hesitated. Sho knew that Bollo had slipped off secretly to the lecture-room on the lirst floor for a final rehearsal by herself. But what if she had? It was none of her business, C'listy thought. Soms ono would look her up and Belle would not trouble to save her from anything, she bitterly thought, as sho remembered tho many slights she had endured. She had reached the foot of tho stairway with tho others when suddenly-she darted aside, unseen, and up the stairs through the hall, so rapidly tilling with smoke from some unknown quarter. "What are you following me hero for?" Bollo haughtily asked', as C'listy entered the room. "_It's a fire!" C'listy answered, with a quick clenching of her teeth at the tone. Bollo dropped her essay and rushed for tho door, but C'listy cangrfit hor by J the arm, picked up 'tho paper, and hurried hor from the room. At the door Belle hung back in terror at tho cloud of smoke. "Come with me. Wo can got down if wo hurry. Ho hi your breath." Come!" And sho fairly dragged the terrified girl after her through tho blinding smoke rolling up toward them. "Gut down!" she " commanded, hoarsely. "We've got to go down backward on our hands and k'nees or we'll choke. Conio on!" C'listy clutcked Belle firmly and forced hor to hur sido on tho floor. "And that's tho way 1 found Vim— half way down tho last'(light of stairs," said the fireman whu had dashed into tho building when the two were missed. "The only thing that saved thorn, too, in all that smoke, getting close to the floor; sens!bio thing to do, for smoke allcrs rises. Mighty lucky for them tho gal thought on't," said another. "They will coma out all right. It is only tho fright and reaction." .said tho doctor, as lie examined the half-stupe- lied girls, who wore hastily carried to their homos. "Belle's essay—it's in my pocket, mother," said C'listy that night. "Sond it right to her. She'll take the prize, it is best. I know. J shall not go. Mv essay is burned." "No, it isn't!" Davo Howe exclaimed, bursting in at tho open door. "Tho desks were only just scorched and I found it. Hero it is: and tho exorcises will go on at tho hall, and Mr. Price told mo to give you their thanks, and he would send for you to-morrow." That was all, then, yot C'listy foil that it was more than sho expected, oven when sho reached tho hall next lay Into, and was hurriedly assigned a seat at tho end of tho long row of classmates upon tho stago. Neither could sho fail to notice that, as usual, tho seat next to hor's was vacant. The girls still avoided her, sho thought, bitterly, though Emma Howe smiled plcast'-utly from .tho seat, beyond. Belle was not anywhere to bo seen. The exorcises proceeded,each speaker being gracefully conducted to the front by tho ono at her right; and 'listy felt a lump rise in hor throat as she saw there was no ono to perform ;hat oflice for her. It would bo so al- iv^ays. Her eyes filled so that sho could not see distinctly as hor own n"Sme yasycalled; but she arose, struggling 'or Vnnposiiro, some ono took her '.land) and accompanied her to the 'rout/ where u loud burst of applause greeted hor, and gave her time to re- fain sel| control. Yet her voice was to the close of ap- ' the impassioned plea she put forth tor "Recognition." and when she closed she found her seat amid renewed plause. ' . Theft Belle Price's name ftas called,, and she saw that it was Belle who now occupied the seat next her. ' : . ' Was it she who had escorted her?: The question asked itself again and' again as she listened to the essav in 'a tamult of feeling. But -she was. not prepared for what folfowed. : As Belle took her seat Mr. Price arose to award the prize. "In awarding the prize." he said, "the judges have considered it as Iving between the last two contestants," but one has honorably withdrawn, statin^ to the committee that, her effort was assisted by the criticism of another. Therefore, .we feel that the prize is due iu all 'respects to— Calisla Wes- .ton.'^ C'lista stared at Belle in amazement, but the latter only nodded, while Mr. IMce continued after the storm of hand-clapping had ceased: "This is not all. A gold medal- has been privately prepared for tho one who has led her class in scholarship and deportment as she also leads it .from her seat to-day upon this stage, in magnanimity and heroism— Calista Weston." There was no doubt this time. It certainly was Belle who escorted her to the front to receive her honors. It was Belle who stood by hor through the misty closing ceremonies and "it was Bello who afterward introduced hor to those who gathered round for congratulations as— "My friend, Calista Weston." "Can such people be anybody*" whispered Davo Howe mischievously in Belle's ear later. "Being somebody rests with the person, after all," she quickly replied, "and Calista has proven that true worth will compel recognition." THE WAR ISSUE. They Talked Calmly of Bull Kun and Shi. loll, but the Turin' - . . WASHINGTON LODGINGS. •Amenities of 1,1 To In Thptn ns ft journal tst Found Them. "Time heals all wounds," said a bystander to a stranger as the Memorial Day procession wont by. "It does," was the reply. "I snp- poee you.aro thinking of the war and the memories revived"by the parade of those veterans of a battles or more?" "Yes, such is the case, and I feel it the more because I fought with Sherman myself. While the war was raging I thought that the animosities aroused by the contest would never be quelled; but, as I said, time heals all wounds, and now wo can discuss the wai* even with those who were our mortal enemies and not lose our temper." "You arc right. Now, I was in Lee's army." "Were you?" asked the man who had worn the blue, at tho same time extending the hand. "Put it there, comrade!" The two shook hands and were soon exchanging war reminiscences with groat good will. "We walloped you nicely at Bull Run," chuckled the ex-confederate. "But didn't we get back at you at Fort Henry and Fort Donelson?" asked tho federal soldier. "Oh, yes; but seo what a tussle we gave you Yanks at Antictarn and Frecl- oricksburg." "Wo made up for all that at Shiloh and Corinth, though." "And we came at you Yanks again in great shape at Chancollorsville and Chickamanga," boasted the man who had boon in Lee's army. "But didn't wo polish you off beautifully at Gettysburg and then travel from Atlanta to the sea in triumph? By the way. speaking of the country through which Sherman's army marched, it shows a wonderful amount of improvement, I traveled through it a month or two ago, and was vastly surprised at tho way the protective tariff is building it up. Why, my dear sir " "Tariff be hanged!" interrupted the ex-confederate. "Why, sir, that country is improving in spite of tho tariff. The tariff has boon hanging as a millstone about its nock. If wo could only get sons!bio tariff reform " "Oh, you don't know what you are talking about." "I don't, don't I?" "No, you don't. Now, in Pennsyl- vjiiia " "Don't talk to me about Pennsylvania! Now, in (Joorgia " "Biff! Bang! Thump!" "Thump! Bang! Biff!" "Oh, well,-1 don't care to argue with a man who can't keep his temper."' "Noither do I, consarn your ugly picture."— I'uck. Wouldn't Pray ibr Helen. A well-known quoenswaro merchant of St. Louis, says tho llepubliti of that city, was riding homeward tho other evening, busily engaged in conversation with a friend, and this was what ho said: "Twenty-five years a<n> tomorrow my first child was born? and, while it seems to mo like half a lifetime, my little family has become a constant source of interest to me. Tho children are full of smart sayings and bright thoughts, and my evenings at home are evenings of entertainment. Yon know my oldest daughter, Helen, aged 11 years? Well, hor little sister is about 4 years old. Thoy are usually groat company for each other, but tho other day thoy quarrelled and could not bo induced to make friends. When the hour for retirement came tho little one kneeled down bosido her mother and repeated tho prayer 'Now I lay me down to sleep' very solemnly. Thou sho 'God bless papa, and mamma, and Annie, and ' 'Well, say tho rest,' saiil hor mother. 'Amon!' she responded. 'But you didn't ask God to bless Helen,' w,as suggested. •No, mamma, Helen ain't in it!'" And the two men laughed until'everybody in tho car wished they know what it was all about. Many of the large, old-fashione( houses in Washington are owned by persons whose incomes are in in.vers ratio to the size of their dwellings therefore* they take a few boarders o else rent rooms. In one of these house a certain journalist has the back room just across the broad hall frorn the bacl parlor. One Friday night recently he was out later than usual, so overslept him self the next morning and did not leav< the house until 11 o'clock. When hi opened the front door he saw a hea^si and several carriages standing in fron of the house and, and as he was urally a little curious .to know AVUO was bereaved, he-'said, to a hack^uan who was leaning agains-t the fence: "Who is dead? Where is the fu neral?" .,.. He says you might have knocked him down with a feather when the man replied, loooking at him with surprise: "In your house, sir!" Dr. T was at that moment reading the burial service in the front parlor. The deceased, a lady, was only n visitor in the city and her -friends had first intended to take her to her home in W for interment.;^therefore, no crape was hung on the door and no announcement of her death was inserted in the papers. They afterward decided to lay her in a vault in one of the Washington cemeteries, but as her friends were few, no one but the half dozen relatives were at the funeral. Hence there was no confusion and no stir in the hall to attract attention when the journalist left his room. Most of the people who room in the house are middle-aged, quiet people; the only young man, L——, has the hall-room up ono flight. Last week he went to his landlady's sitting-room in the back building (or L), and tapped at the door. . "Come in," said some one. So lie entered, and thei'e sat a stranger who looked comfortable and very much at home, in smoking-jacket, cap and slippers. Mr. L asked if his landlady wore there. "No," said the stranger, "she is not." "I'm Mr. L , said the young man. "Oh! Can I—er—er—do anything for you P" "1 came to ask for a piece of ice." "Oh! Well, if you go down-stairs and find the servants I reckon they'll give you some." Down-stairs went Mr. L , and after getting his ice said: "Who's that follow in Mrs. S 's room?" "That is Mr. S , sir." ".Any relation to the landlady?" "Mr. S——? Why, he's her husband!" "Goodness! I thought she widow." By and by Mrs. S cam* home and hor husband said: "Some fellow came here awhile ago and wanted a piece of ice; said he was Mr. L . Who the dickens is he?" "Why, R !" exclaimed his wife. "He is the young man in the room was a next to Aunt Mary; surely-you knew hi m I" " When did he him! 1 "Never hoard of him! come?" "He has boon hero since October." And it was then the last week in April.— Exchange. He'll Never Die. "It is your last chance," said the agent. "You have been very sick; half a dozen doctors have given you up; take out a policy now and bo prepared for the worst." "I think not," said the old man, wrapping himself closer in the blankets. "But think of your wife and family." "That is true." said tho man, shivering as though in the arms of death. "Our company is* liberal; our policies take immediate effect; if you keep mum I will be able to write you up and no one will know tho difference: there is no other company in tho United States, I believe, that will take, tho risk." "That is, perhaps, true," said the man, huskily. "According to your own story you have a silver plate in your head, your vital organs are shattered, your loft log is broken in throe places, your liver is dead, your right lung is all gone and your eyes aue closed." '"Every word true," murmured tho patient, coughing dismally. "Then you do not care for a policy eh?" J "I do not; not even $10,000 for 50 cents; good day, kind sir." "Well, this is such a strange case, perhaps you might tell mo "exactly what your reasons are; I may bo able to overcome them with logic." "Because, sir, I never die." "What's that?" "My harvest is near at hand now, after four long years of waiting. I am the genuine'character of whom you have often read who lias deposited a ballot, for every president of the United Slates from Washington's time down. Please hand me that paper there on tho stand as 1 want to read all the political news and keep in the swim 1 ' 1 — A 7 . Y. Itewrder. WIT AND HUMOR. The smoker who stands nt the front of the car Of nil styles of nuisance the worst Is hy far: But one rivnl he has— 'tis ttie girl who With Takes? the summer^dftr soat where the smokef stauld be. —Harvard News. Handcuffs might appropriately be called sad-irons. — Lowell Courier* . .Every man expects to get his rowan .in the hereafter, but none his deserts. "fi-I-ndianitpoiis Journal. -. she —"You say that you have never been in love. How near did you come to it?" He— "1 was married once." — Life. "Tight money," murmured the unfortunate in the police court as he paid the usual fine and costs. — Texas *iflirigs. "Does your husband swear as much as ever?" "Swear! \yiiy, I can't keep a parrot two weeks in the house." — Texas Siflinys. He -"Are you happy now that you are married?" She— "Comparatively." He— "Compared with whom?" She— "Compared with my husband." — Life. Sometimes tho pastor is blamed for a poor prayer-meeting by a man whose wife told him that he was eating too many pickles for his supper. — Rain's Horn. Mamma — "And now, Eddie, can you tell me what velocity is?" Eddie — That's what papa let go of the hot plate with to-day, isn't it, mamma?" — Brooklyn Life. Were you at the seashore last summer, Polly?" "Only for a day." "Did you bathe?" "No; somebody else was using the ocean when we were there." Harper's Bazaar. The French women consider carrots as a specific for the complexion, and good judges can tell at a glance how liiany carrots line a woman's complexion is. — Boston Transcript. Ethel — "I hope the men ain't going to wear those horrid broad-brimmed straw hats this summer." Maud — Why?" Ethel — "Because they muss one's bangs up so." — Harvard Lampoon. Amateur Artist — "I should like to oresent tho last picture 1 painted to some charitable institution; now which would you recommend?" Cruel Lady ••'riend — "The blind asyhun." — Life's Calendar. Hofbaucr (on his deathbed) — "At ast the time has come for mo to be revenged on that Lindonbauer. So then, wife, you hoar, the wretch is not to jo invited to my funeral." — Unscre Oe- sellsohttft. There is a man in Maine who claims to have caught fish when asleep. A great many people, however, toll of jiscatorial exploits that could have lappened only in dreams.— I Vushing- on titar. Excited Individual.— "Is this where you make, be raining.* Mrs. rerKinson peeped put of the porthole m mn ,,"'-1 broad ocean and said: "I g lles ' s i{ .?* rainin'much, I don't see anyb'mU, !".h with an umbrella!" Quibble—"My dear, why permit that Mrs. .Rattler "to ,„..„. goose of you? She actually kcptv*' standing hatless at tho gate thj.s nfl, noon for three-quarter's of an ' " Mrs. Q.—"Was it as long as Quibble—"To a minute by u le Mrs. Q.—"Oh, well, tho iloar «•„„, couldn't help it. She Inuln't time i" come in, for she told mo wh en JP calleil me down she hadn't a " stop."— Boston (Jouricr. They wore having a little argument about the fondues-; for cosmetics, when he i)j clinch tho argument by « "Angels never "paint." "Perhaps she calmly replied, "but. alUhj you never saw § an angel that painted." And the only way h u \~mu get out of it was by declaring tlnuim was an angel, which compelled l w ,, admit that he had seen at least one m painted arigol.~iV. Y. Tribune. K . Mr. Popinjay (falling on his —Miss Wilson, 1 can no longf the passionate impulse to KtlOI!S) mi; jjuamuiuiii; iiu^juiM.! 10 Uph(.»i I. you on tho momentous subject, thm j. fraught for .1110 with the issues of life • and death. And yet I am ovurawwl at my presumption when I tako j nto consideration the celestial glamour o( your personal charms, the d:wy.lit ltr luster of your intellectual atiuinint.nt, 0 ' tho exquisite, the adorable " -\jj^'• Wilson—"Excuse mo. Mr. I'upiiijav but there are limes when eloquence Is rather out of place. Jf you wi s |, to t jt.p the question, pop it and bo dona with it."— Fun. BLUFFED THE The Monk Mtlln MIIII'R f«otlv« If Honnswhiit, BIG GROCERYMAN. Iti-liukr Wn* |>f. hoy swear people?" Commissioner for Oaths — "Yes, sir; what can I do for ,-ou?" Excited Individual— "I want to down an- An luuuiiibrtuice. Uncle (to nephew who has just left school)—"I hoar you are taking dancing lessons. How do you like waltzing?" Nephevv—"I like it well enough, only the girl is always in one's way."—• Kveryivhore, af Homo. "Where," asks tls; American man, "are our wii'es?" "In the streets," lie answers, "at teas, luncheons, dinners, in, the shops, "traveling abroad, at Browning clubs, faith-cure seances,wo- men's rights meetings, Ibsen reunions, Meredith mornings, Blavatsky circles, indigent female'rescues, arriving immigrants' shelters, mothers' meetings, Jewish refugees, Bulgarian bazaars —anywhere, everywhere, except at home." The Japanese cite 260 colored varieties of tho chrysanthemums, of which sixty-throe are yellow, eighty-seven, white, thirty-two purple, thirty rod, thirty-one pale pink, twelve russet, ttud fourteen of mixed colors. • Leprosy has 'become a, terrible scourge in Colombia, South America, there being -from 50,000 to 100,000 in a popuhition of 4,000,000, ako an oath never to put other carpet.— Tit-Biis. "If you like," said the young man at ho desk, "I'll have your poem submit- eil to the editor." "No," sho answered positively, "I'll road it aloud to him. prefer to have the editor submitted ,o the poem."— Washington Star. After the Rendezvous—Ofliccr—"The nost delightful evening of my life! I <ifised her and she Wid liuthini'!" Young Lady—"The most aggravathV evening of my life! Ho Uis.sod me and .aid nothing."— Flieycnde /Jl&tlci: Lady (with high hat)—"I bog your xirdon, but I forgot my opera glass. Vould yon kindly lend mo yours" jbist i moment?" Tyrant man (in seat'be- lind)—"Very sorry, madam, but I need it to sit on."—A r . Y. Weekly. She—"I never loved any one until I race you." Ho—"And I never kissed i girl before in my life." And littlo ohnuio, who hail been behind the ortiere, tripped softly away whistling I am something of a liar myself."— . Y, Heraid. Cholly—"My bwothor is in luck, le's got a place as floor walkah in a ry-goods store. Ho is there sixteen ours a day." Awthcr—"I cavv't see tho luck." Cholly—"You cawn't? Why his can ,ievah bag at the knecs.»-A'. r. Weekly. Lady (helping to lobster salad)—"I suppose, Mr. OT-'innigfin, that you arc " not acciistomod to this disli 'in your country." Mr. O'R (concoaliiK' his ignorance)—"Lobsthors is it, madam? faith ma'am, tho shores of Oiroland is rod wid \\m."—('!ri/i;l. He was an old merchant who do- voted much time to advortisin-. 'John," said his wife, "what do you want put on your tombstone! 1 " "Oh " Jio answered, "it isn't important, wh:it tlio text is so Ion,/ as it .r,.| M tr , m ,| It was in California. Judge Blank asked after tho health of a ^tlem, i 's wife "She is si-si-sick," said 11 o s band, who stuttered. "I'm so hear that. Not serious, I hono"" a-fi-te-ate cucumbers." "Groat heavens! Ate eight cucumbers? I should think she would be ill". ouuuu ' ings. Mrs. Wickwire-"You always have _ He was such a weak and humble littlo man that when he came into t| ]e grocery store to make a complaint the clerk was disposed to be haughty and imperious. "May I inquire," he said, in a still, small voice, "if any gentloniiin here sold my wife some butler yesterday?" "I guess I'm the man." rVspomlml a big, brawny fellow, witV an' inch or two more chin on him Hum ,1 cleric usually has need of in his bitsiiinss. "Oh, excuse mo," exchiimed tin; cus- • tomor, shrinkingly, "I* meant, no of. fonso. The butter is all right, hut I wanted to say that. L>hroo colors of hair in one roll is somewhat incongruous. And I thought I miirht add also a request that if you could send up a brush and comb with the next sale we would be ever so much obliged. 'Of course, it was an oversight on' your part, and I am not complaining, you undorstand — not complaining, merely suggesting." The clerk's face was a study. "And." went on the little man, "I don't think it is quite fair t.o put tacks at 15 cents a pound in butter ut 40 cents, unless you make a discount for difference in weight and price, or throw in a clawhammer so wo can draw the tacks upon putting the butter on the table." The clerk was gasping and the little man was going right along. _ "Referring again to tho hair mentioned previously," he said, "permit me to say that I find no fault because of its quantity or its length. Tho incongruity of color was tho only objection. In tho old times we read that Sampson had long hair and a great deal of it, and your butter in that respect has rights my en tiro family is bound to respect. Our only regret is that you did not send it up in a cage." By this time tlio clerk had fallen up against tho counter, but, tho Detroit free. Press says, the little man paid no heed. "I might possibly," he oontinued, mildly and weakly, "touch upon its . age, but I have some reason to suspect that this butter is made from milk, that the milk Tamo from a cow and that a cow is a female, and I have : been taught from my youth up to abstain from any and all references to '•ago in relation' to female kind, cither remotely or contiguously. Therefore I shall not animadvert upon thai: subject, except to remark incidentally that the phrase, 'feeble old age,' docs ; not in the remotest degree apply to this case. I wish you'd send up to" the house a pound of soda, four bars of soap, a package of starch, a bushel of , applos and twenty-live pounds <>( sugar. My wifw asked me to loave the order and she said she'd come around hor.sclt' and seo about thu butter. Good morning," and the little man walked meekly out. • i A \<>w Coll;ir Hull on. •if . Philanthropist—"Why aro V on >ngsa. my child?" Little ^id-Jp sir, n,o inudder sent me wid fifty cents J 6 '; *° ^''«"«> whlnn'l lost it \nl t aaik alloy way. I'll bo lit "Collar buttons, live a toxen." It was' lie voiiro 01' I'ouliski, the poddlur, a'- '<'• [Mi.-iimd hi.s licad (lirouu'h l.ho stving- i 1 .'. (lour.--, of a Ninth street s;iloon. u>;,y, whiskers," railed Hilly (layboy, -i he held his glass, "have yer got, any them 'loctrie light collar buttons iliiit shine in tho dark when ye: 1 lose 'em under tho bureau?" "No, sir," said the peddler. "Nor any of them with the whistling 'it'.iU'limenl so's you can locate Ilium when you lose 'oiu?" asked another. "'No, sir," said the peddler. "Well, then, got along," said Gayl':iv. "You haven't got anything «' a want." "Veil, i toll you vot I haf got," said "I haf got so mo of dem talking Collar buttons." "That beats us. What aro they?" asked one of the crowd, "Dem, sir, aro do kind vot do ileir own svoarin' von you lose doin mule? tho \nm'.i\u."~l'/tit,( ( fc/p/iia lleuord. Out ot the 240.000 domestic servant* in London it is estimated that 30,000 ure always out of employment. 1'oimJntUm of Homo. Tho population ( 7f the city of llonM which by tho census of 1881 WHS lias t . •'>•), is now over 500,000, having nean} ^ doubled within the last ten years. Since tho city ' became tho capital of united Italy "thousands of new edifices havo been built and it has byou gieatly uhiuigtul otherwise. Tho seven . aru uiuliai'gojug u prwoss of leveling nnd'tiie valleys are being Jillet* ' .tt

What members have found on this page

Get access to

  • The largest online newspaper archive
  • 8,900+ newspapers from the 1700s–2000s
  • Millions of additional pages added every month

Try it free