The Washington Herald from Washington, District of Columbia • Page 30

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER AT THE PEACE CONFERENCE BY MONTAGUE GLASS illustrated by albert levering Some Cruel and Unusual Punishments for the Kaiser (COPYRIGHT. Itl9, BY THE McCll'RE -EWSPAPEIl SYMDICATE? I see where an American army ofllcer report? that he has investlgated Into the food situation In Germany and that the German people looks thin," Abe Potash observed to his partner. Monis Perlmutter. already German propaganda. Abe." Moiri? "Word come down from headquarters that the German people should look thin tn order to fret the sympathy of the American officer, they looked thin, Abe shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe you're right, Mawruss," he said, "but all I could say is that them German propaganders which has charge of making the German peoplelook thin Is wasting their time In Germany, because there Is plenty of people in which would make them propaganders rich for life if they would only come over to New York open an office for giving reduction propaganda at a thousand dollars a treatment." Ill tell Morris said, "ordinarily if the German people looked thin you would belleove them. before the war if went to Germany and people asked bin when he come back, how was the there, he didn't say: 'Unless was putting one over on me It wa? y'understand. but today It's different. Nobody ha? got no confidence in the Germans nowadays. In fact even the Germans themselves is losing confidence In them.

Take Berlin, for Instance, and every week the Spartacist or Red Government has rot the support of the people from 9:30 a. Tuesday until 6 p. m. Thursday when the German people begins to lose confidence in them, so that by 8:30 a. m.

Friday the Coalition or Yellow Government comes into power. The Coalition or Yellow Government then keeps the confidence or the people until Sunday midnight, when under the influence of the night Eksat Delicatessen supper the Germans start in to suspect that everything ain't right with the Yellow Government neither, so back they go to the Red Government, and they seize Police the Bureau of Assessments and Arrears and desk room In the office of the Deputy Commissioner of Water Supply, Gas and Electricity, and that'? the way It goes." "It's a funny thing to me why them colored German governments always starts in a revolution by seising self? Headquarters, Mawruss." Abe commented. "That's the way they finance the revolution," Morris replied. "Because I understand that the night life in Berlin has been going on the same as usual, revolution or no revolution. which I bet yer that as soon as the new chief of police is appointed by the Red or Yellow government, as the case may be, he don't waste no time, but he right away sends out plain clothes men to the proprietors of them Berlin allnight restaurants with positive to close all restaurants at II o'clock sharp and not to accept nothing but coin of the present standard of weight and fineness." "And yet It used to be thought that when It come to graft, Mawruss, German officials was like Caesar's ghost," Abe observed: "Above suspicion." "That's only another one of them impressions about Germany which us Americans reversed on us," Morris said, "which the way our ideas about what kind of a people the Germans used to was has changed, Mawruss, It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the old habit the Germans had for drinking beer was Just a bluff, y'understand.

and that at heart they was prohibitionists to a man. In faci, Abe, if I would be a German Bolshevik with Instructions to shoot the Kaiser on sight, I should go gun ning for a short stout man with a tooth brush moustache and a holy horror of wearing uniforms, because it's my opinion that all them so-called portraits of the Kaiser was issued for the purpose of misleading anarchists to shoot at a thin man in a heavily embroidered uniform with spike-end moustaches." "Well, whatever he looks like, Mawruss," Abe said, "if I was him, rather than have such a terrible fate hanging over me, y'understand, 1 would telegraph to Berlin for them to send along a good shot while they was bout it. and have the thing over with quick, Mawruss." "Say!" Morris exclaimed "You and me should have hanging over us the Ufe which the Kaiser Is to lead from now on! For $150 a week at a Pallimi Beach hotel, you could only get a very small idea of the hardships the Kaiser will got to undergo in the future. A'be." "But do you mean to told me that after what happened to that Engj lish lady in Brussels and the captain of the English mail boat. the English ain't golii to persecute the Kaiser?" Abe demanded.

"You the English would persecute the Morris exclaimed. "Don't you know that the Kaiser's mother i key -evirasili la im, aa him him was the King of Ih father's sister? Do you suppose taf moment that the King? of England wants a convict in tho family?" "Weil, haa he got any Mlshbooba in France. Mawruss?" Ab? wtud. "Because if not, Mawruss, It seems to me that now while all witnesses Is in Paris, It wouldn't bad idea tb get the March term of the Paris County grand Jury to hand down an Indictment for murder to intent to kill or, something." "That sounds reasonable to anybody not connected with this here Peac? Conference. Abe." Morris admitted, "but It seems that ihn committee for fixing responsibility says that if they wag to hang or shoot the Kaiser, It would give him an awful drag with the German people, and they don't want tlie Kaiser to get popular again, dead or alive.

Their Idea is to punish him by letting him live on to be an outcast among all the people of the earth except the proprietors of firstclass European hotels, dealers tn high grade automobiles, expensive Jewelry storekeepers, fashionable tailors snd a couple of million other people don't attach an awful lot of importance to "the moral character of anybody which wants to enjoy life and has got the money to do it with. In other words, Abe, thVy claim that in leaving the Kaiser to his conscience and his bank account, they are punishing him a whole lot worse as hanging him or shooting "And I supoose lhat some committee is going to sentence Von Tirpits to six months at Monte Carlo, while will probably be confined to a Kitz hotel eight hours a day for the rest of his natural life." Abe suggested. "The committee claims not." Morris replied. "It the Kaiser's Von Tirpits and going to get what is coming to them on the grounds that they are guilty of violations of International law and ain't got no relations among the royal families of England or Italy." "But why not bring the whole over to America, and let the authorities dispose of them there?" Abe inquired. "The Kaiser would be just as much a martyr if he was sentenced in America as in Europe," Morris replied.

"Who anything about sentencing him?" Abe demanded. "All it would be necessary to would be to swear out a warrant against him and leave the rest to a couple of headquarters which naturally I when them fellers would tell him to come along with them, the Kaiser would technically resist the arrest by ask nur for what. This would mean at the very least ten stitches in his scalp. Mawruss, not reckoning a couple of broken ribs or when the finger prints was taken, and while it wouldn't be only a starter in the way of punishment, he would anyhow find Mt that it is one thing to be actually engaged in a modern battle, and that looking at it through a high-power telescope while sitting in' a bombproof limousine six miles away is ab, srlutely something else again. Later on.

Mawruss. when a New York police court lawyer visited him in his cell after the Kaiser had lunched on bread and water and the police court I lawyer on what used to be called Koenigsburger Klops and Is now known as Liberty Roast, understand me. tho Kaiser would get Just an inkligg of what it means to be caught in a KM attack without a mask." I "You talk like you would cot a little experience in the way of sitting In I should go ganning for a akort tout toot h- ru felt prison yourself. Moni? commented. "1 am givin? you what predicali)' happened to a feller by the name Immerglick was arrested bv mistake on account the police thought he looked like an Italian who was wanted tor barrel murder.

Abe exclaimed, if the police behaves "This way a perfect strtlnger which Is innocent at that. Mawruss, you could imagine what them fellers would do to a well-known guilty party like the Kaiser. But that's neither here nor there, Mawruss. What I am tryin? to do is to work out a punishment proposition for the Kaiser which would get hy with such a sensitive bunch as this here committee to place responsibility seems to be." "Go ahead and have a Rood time with your pipe dream. Abe," Morris aaid.

"Tou couldn't make me feel bad no matter what happens to the Kaiser in your imagination." "Well." Abe continued, "after he is through with trying to get rid of the police court lawyer. Mawruss. he should ought to be arraigned before the magistrate in a trarrle court, y'understand. and should be accused of driving at the rate of twenty-two miles an hour which is two mile? past the legal speed limit. and then he would find that ail them commandant? of Ruhleben and the other German prison camps wasn't even new beginner? in the art of making prisoners feel cheap.

because you take one of these here raffle court magistrates which has bad years of experience bawling out respectable sitaons who haa got the misfortune to own automobilea. Mawruss. and what such a feller wouldn't do to humilitate the Kaiser I' y'understand, ain't even dreamt of in German prison camps yet." "I see you still feel sore about getting fined ti? for driving like a i maniac down at Far Rockaway last summer. Abe." Morris commented "How I feel or how I don't feel ain't got nothing to do with It. Abe retorted.

"And furj thermore. Mawruss. any motorcycle policeman which ha? got the nerve to that he could tell inside of two miles an hour how fast aome. body is driving, understand me. is guilty of perjury on the face of it.

which I told the judce: 'Judge your I aays. admit I wa? going I aays. me." Morris interrupted. "but I thought you was talking about how to punish the Kaiser I ain't It. which while I admit you got aome pretty good on the Ject.

Abe. still at the same there is plenty of way? thst Kaiser could get punished in America without going to tbe trouble ano expense of arresting him first. AW There Is a whole lot of experteneee which the American people pay? ate go through juet once, y-anderstaae. which if the Kaiser could be persuaded to take them all on one after tbe other. Abe, hla worst measte? would got to pity him Suppoalae for Instance, he would start off one of them electric vibrating face Abe.

and If he come? through It alive, could then be hustled off to one of theee here strong-arm bunkopathte physicians, which charge? tar mm flrst and never has rates for the second or third because onere is plenty, y'understand." "But I thought the idea was net to let anybody have aay eympetwy for the Kaiser. Abe broV? In. of feller? I knew goes theee here near-doctors." Morris declared, "and nobody ha? got pathy for them Alao Abe I ain't got no for enybodv goes to theae here where they run of a cateratte! re' view, and yet If? a terrible pua' tshment at that, ao there's another tip for you if you want any mor? ideas for making the Kaiser sifTe? "8ay. when it comes right down to It. Mawruss.

and if you don't to show the feller no merry it all. I y'underrtand." Abe aaid. "what's the matter with making him see some of 1 them war plays they wue putting ea In New Tork laat w.nterT" "Why only war Komi asked. "It at through a couple musical last winter without the option of a fine, y'understand. and it wotiM be a good thing if the Kaiser see performances like make htm realixe that In losing hie throne, y'understand he hau no lotijregot the power to order the actors shot, together with the composer and the man that wrote the jokes But the biggest punishment sIL you ain't even hinted at yet Abe said, "and it's a punishment which thousands of Americans I setting right now without no sympathy from nobody, which its ntm? 'Form 1140 United State? Internal I Revenue Serviere.

'Individual income tax return 'For net Incomes of more 15.000 calender year 'Also. Mawrus. when what the Kaiser done. Mawruss, I ask you is it too that the Committee on Fixing Respon, order him stsrved to death or talked to death at an other and painful death, because such a fate is going to be happy one compared with the 1 thousand? of decent respectable American business men who ere headed straight for in asylum, trying to fill out (a) Total? taxable at 151? rate? instructions, page under Totals taxable at HC rates (see instructions, include in I page 2. Amount of diMdenrt? (column 4) taxable Iti? i (enter "Well, after all Mornsaid, "there's one punish ment you could hand out the Kaise than filling out this here ineom? tax." "What thatT" Abe inquired "Pavine it." Morris mmrri LOOKING BACKWARD Bv CAPT.

J. WALTER MITCHELL "Walk right in, ladies and gentlemen, and see the great Arctic monster from the frozen North, the terrible girascutis. When he the icebergs tremble and the natives seek shelter. He devours a ton of ice for each meal and has been known to depopulate a tribe of Esquimaux, men, women and children at one sitting. Six brave seamen were killed in placing this tremendous beast in captivity and he was brooght to this country by the great P.

T. Barnum at the cost of many thousand dollars. The admission is but a dime, ten cents, and it will neither make you, break you or set you up in business." Man of The foregoing and similar songs of the outside "barker" of fake were familiar along lower Pennsylvania avenue and Seventh street about forty years ago. That was' when Washington was "a great sideshow town." the veteran local guide and showman, Meig Paa-bam. once expressed it.

In that unrestricted period, before the District was overburdened by police regulation? and fanatical laws. the "wild man of Borneo." other similar freaks of the past, faked and real, were frequent visitors to this city, and they all demonstrated the truth of the BarnUm classic, "the American people love to be especially on the occasion of big gathering? here stich as Presidential Inaugurations, G. A. R. encampments and the like.

At such times the curbstone fakers and shows gathered a heavy toll of shekel? from citizens and strangers alike. Those who gave up their dime? to the terrible girascutis "from the frozen North." beheld a large bone or two In a showcase. Behind the showcase was a canvas with a painting of the alleged monster, an apparent cross between a maatadon the fabled serpent. In the of devouring a large polar bear. Behind the showcase was the "lecturer," a bedizened woman, who explained that the bones were that remained of the girascutls, the animal having been killed while making a raid on a Connecticut town escaping Its Those who had been gulled usually laughed over the pojte that had been played on them.

I recall that a member of Congress one of hi? constituents who had "fallen" for the fake remarked as he left the "That wa? good one. wltl a lot of our good friends down here to se? this terrible monster then enjoy a hearty laugh at their expense." It wa? the girascuti? wa? introduced here by a noted Washington gambler, long'aince dead. Th? shows were exhibited In Tacant stores generally, and the landlords reaped a harvest of money for the short periods they were occupied by the itinerant showmen. In store on Pennsylvania avenue between Second and Third streets northwest, I first "the wild man of Borneo." A Washlngtonian namea Bush Reed was both "barker" and proprietor of the ehow. In front of the place he had an Immense canvas picture in lurid colora depicting the "capture of the creature In the jungles of Borneo by at least fifty men, with numerous dead ones scattered about the scene of the capture.

I listened to Bush tell a most amaiIng story the wild man, his habits and capture. At the conclusion ot each "spiel," as the barkers terra their talk to the crowd, a man bearing a large chunk of raw meat, which he carried in the clutch of ice tonga, would appear and enter the show, and Bush would resume his talk thus: "Don't feed him yet, Dick. Now, friends, you are Just in time to witness a wonderful eight. It Vs feeding time for the wild man of Boreno. iou will never eee such a picture again.

me your quarters and pass right In-" Koand Him On Road. This statement caught the crowd and the store waa quickly packed Bush recognized me and Invited me to go In and see his "latest conception." I accepted the invitation and found a fierce looking creature with long black hair, Indian red complexion, great tueks protruding from his mouth, and with finger nails at least two inches in length. He was chained to the floor of a most formidable cage. After the store had been filled to ita capacity, Dick dropped the meat through an opening in the top of the cage. The wild man seized it and went through the action of devouring it ravenously, snarling and nappi it viciously the meanwhile.

Afterwards I asked Buyh where he had discovered the wild man. He said he had picked him up on the pike near Jess up? Cut, this side of Baltimore, lie was a frowsy tramp. His make-up was the property of Bush. It consisted of the wig. face or complexion dye, celluloid tusks and talon-like fingernails, a wooden cafre with paper macJic chain? and bars.

The meat was not really devoured by the hobo wild man. but adroitly dropped into a false bottom of the cage. The wild man received the munificent salary ot six dollars a week and "perquisites," the most important feature of which was a drink of whisky every hour during work time. After the first weekly pay day Bush lost his wila man. "He got drunk as a b'lled owl and the cops pinched him," was Bush's explanation.

"But 1 have hired a fine yellow fellow and he's going on the road with The "snide" show business of long ago was not without its social side. The original Metropolitan Hall, devoted to snappy varieties, now more politely designated as vaudeville, was located on the skie of avenue, on part of the present site of the Postofflce Department, it was afterwards the Dime Museum and among its freaks was the indiarubber man and "Rona, the Roman mystery, or the living bust" The latter was the bust of a beautiful woman exhibited on a -glass platter. On the occasion I am referring to a girl, Susie Bowie, posea as "Rona," the deception being practiced by an arrangement of mirrors. The india-rubber man fell in love with "Rona," and she fell for the rubber man. The museum proprietor advertised "the public marriage of the living bust and India-rubber man," and a capacity audience witnessed the unusual social event in fake life, and.

by posing as best man I got a good story for the old Evening Critic, an afternoon newspaper. Whether "they lived happily together ever afterward" never learned. A Fnke Scheme. One of the most ludicrous fake schemes ever pulled off here was a burlesque imitation of the wonderful painting of "Trilby" that had previously been exhbited in On the occasion of President Cleveland's inauguration a Washington man hired a vacant store on Pennsylvania avenue, between First and Seeon streets northwest, and proceeded to fake the noted painting of L)u Maurier's great character. In laites frame he placed a daubed painting of a trained evening dress, with holes cut in the canvas for the head and arms of a living model who stood behind the screen on a step ladder, the proprietor had much difficulty in procuring the services of a woman to play the part of "Trilby." He finally secured a woman-about-town known as "Molly." Phe a raw-boned blonde of the masculine type, and was reputed to be fond of her "toddy." After Molly had partaken of several bracers the morning of the day preceding the inauguration ceremonies, she was assisted to her position on the ladder, the doors or the show room were thrown open and the "barker" invited the passini: throngs to see, the famous painting at 10 cents per head.

When the real painting had been exhibited here a year or so previously ad Six Columbus, Airmen Shot Down 42 Hun Planes Cntcr, Kddie Rickenbacker, ace of aces in America; left top, Lieut. Walter Wanamaker; bottom, Lieut Vaughn McCormick; right top, Lieut. Simon; bottom, Lieut. Walter Avery; bottom center, Lieut. Fred W.

Norton. By r. C. LYON. I German machines during the great Columbus, Ii the proud war than aviators from any other boast of Columbus.

Ohio, that elx American city. Columbus aviators down morel What other city can beat the Colum mission fee was 50 cents. The avenue was crowded with strsngers and the show room was soon rilled. The spectators were treated to a remarkable sight. Molly's grinning lace and bare arms were thrust through the painting of the evening dress and she smiled a welcome to all comers.

Nearly all bus record of forty-two Boche planes? Here are the official figures on Columbus boys: Capt. Kddie Rickenbacker. America's Ace of Lieut, Fred Norton.6 Lieut. Louis Simon.4 Lieut. Walter A Lieut.

Vaughn McCormick? 2 Lieut. Walter 1 Total .42 The War Depsrtraent gives the total number of machines downed -by American aviators at 423. Colunbus, therefore, furnished 10 per cent of all the victories. Two of the six Columbus boys, Fred Norton and Vaughn McCormick were killed in air flght. Two more of them.

Lieuts. Walter Wanamaker and Welter Avery, were shot down behind tbe German Unes and were taken prisoners. Wanamaker received a broken nose and a broken leg, A very' broken jaw. Won Vftete-rles, Capt. Eddie Rickenbacker, "ace of aces," came through with his twenty-six victories without receiving a scratch.

Likewise Simon escaped Injury. It was Lieut. Walter Avery who, in his first air flght, brought down Capt. Mendkopf. famous German ace.

Mendknpf wag so furious that he should have been whipped by a novice in the air game that he went for days without speaking tu his American captors. was recently decorated by both the American snd French armies for a sensational victory during the St- Mihiel drive. Attacked by three German he returned their Arc succeeded in down two of them flames, killing their four He then chased the third plane for more 1 than seventy miles. Rickenbacker has so many models. ipalms and citations he has to carry them around in valise.

who had been duped accepted the situation pood naturedly and left the place smllinE and determined to nnd other "suckers" among their acquaintance? by inviting them to tose the noted at the low price or a dime. Their Once in a while, however, those of a more practical turn of mind declared there wa? nothing lunny in the fake and demanded the return of their money. A group of Pennsylvania militiamen started to "rough house" "the show. One of them "1-et's if the d-d thing Seising a chair he hurled it at Molly, who promptly ducked and fell backward? from her perch on the ladder with a thud, causing the painted dress to fall forward among the audience. The police qnelled the incipient riot and after Molly had a bracer ahe remounted the ladder and the proceeded.

At short intervals she sang In a deep and uncultivated contralto old eong. "Ben Bolt." The "What-ls-lt" made first bow to a Waahington audience in a vacated on Ninth An emaciated yotfth of doubtful complexion and mentality, garbed like woman, wa? exhibited with a ber of harmless water snakes of I large sise. At Intervals thej would one of the serpents and proceed to devour a part of it alive, at the same time uttering a series of Another that exhibited on Ninth wa? a troupe of trained and they were really trained to draw miniature conche? and perform other I o.oa.olox.0 An outdoor apectaeular play wa? given thirty year? ago in the baBeban park on Sixteenth between northweat, now built up with handaome residences. The principe! performer? came from New York, but the ballet of about SU) young women wa? aeleocted here. Their attire was as scant as that the ballet in the original "Black Crook." which made mode-et valh nmaismfnl.

The old bell park topectade was dealgliated "The Kail of Pompeii." I occaMOnoolly meet who attired in tights as a vivacious cars ego. took the part of Roman maido-n and had initial in the almost discarded onl-of-de-or? playos performance? of the good old Many visitine ft nd wir workers, besioes 'hose of the generation, have gssed at the round structure at Fifteenth street aad Ohio avenue, snd wondered as to its origin and uses At thi? time It Is used for motor purposes. It was constructed in the as Ciclorama building. Thst soo-? after the conclusion of the and the stirring battle of thst fratricidal strife were fresh in the minds the ptople. The flrst cyolorams there depicted the second battle Bull Run.

or Manassas, it wa? termed by the The structure and life-like Jiattle picture were the property of the Comrany The concern ned 1er in other large cities The battle of Gettysburg was also shown In the circular edifice on Fifteenth street Theee pictures were so realistic that a person in the centrsl tort um could Imagine he was standing in the center of the battlefield I About the time that vacant store flourished here there were numerous free exhibitions given curb-stone fakers at many street corners alona Pennsylvania av? noe and Seventh street. Theee sidewalk walesmen were not required to a license or a permit They drew their crowds by si-eight-of-hand perform anees generally. Occasionally the dispensera of cure-all and cure-quick patent medicines employed old-tune hacks as their stages from which to perform their miracles sets of magic The more prosperous appeared with gaudily decorated wagons, not unlike those of sncient circuses, drawn by four spanking horses These vehicles were provrdrd with stages from which clever minstrel performances were given. Some of thee? who performed for the patent ne men afterward became noted minstrels on the professional stage Old Joe Masterson sold com cor? and swallowed swords about the ginal wooden Northern Liberties Mar ket at Massachusetts avenue snd Seventh street, where the Public now stenda After swallowing a sword he would deliver "free lecture on corns and bunions." and then sin? his "Song of Pain." which even wher I was a lad sounded quite silly to me but ft kept the crowd good and helped Old Joe to dispose nf wares. The -song, aa I recall It negar something like this "Old Joe astereon your rornr High-diddle-de-dee dee.

And he make? you dance with glee H4gh-diddle-de-dee high-diddle-de dee No? band me uf your.