The State from Columbia, South Carolina • 165

THE May 15, 1983 THE COLUMBIA RECORD- May 17, 1983 9 Being single may be hard but it can also be enriching By Julie Lumpkin Special To Columbia Newspapers "I used to think you'd reach this magic age like 22 or 23 and you'd automatically be a mature adult," mused Mary Lois Gumb, a 37- year -old mother of two sons. "Until my divorce, I thought everything I wanted would just fall in my lap. Now I'm finding that it's not so bad to have to work for things. It's hard to grow to really grow up," she said. Being a single woman is a chance to know yourself by testing your capabilities and limitations.

To do for yourself daily, drop preconceptions, take risks, and reach out for new experiences. The single life can be an honest way of life once a person meets its challenges, which is not to say that it isn't sometimes hard. Maturity can be the mark of a single life faced head-on. Jackie Patterson, a health education coordinator with Blue Cross-Blue Shield, teaches "'The Single Woman in the 80's," a USC Short Course in how to meet men. Women ages 25 to 50 years old enroll in Ms.

Patterson's classes where she raises questions about personal growth. Divorced 10 years, she encourages her class first to broaden their perspective of men and the male viewpoint. Census figures are cited showing that 40,000 single men, 18 and over, live in Richland County. The question of how to meet men is answered with a question. "'What activities do you do? Look at your lifestyle," Ms.

Patterson urges. "'They tell me 'I cross-stitch' or 'I go to Spa and I tell them, 'If you stay at home cross-stitching, you cut yourself Students are encouraged to hang out where the men are not so much at bars as in places like athletic centers where men go for fun. Also, to meet people, take advantage of every situation, she says, even in the grocery store, drug store, or parking lot. "It's critical to increase the number of people you meet of all ages, male and female. I haven't met anybody yet who doesn't have something to offer," explained Ms.

Patterson. What her course suggests is that many of the old social rules don't apply anymore. Being totally on your own living alone supporting yourself often leads the single person to seek new approaches that work for her. Over time this may cause enormous changes in attitude about male-female sex roles, marriage, relationships, careers, and most especially, self-concept. Sometimes attitudes change in reaction to others.

"I used to really resent people who thought I had no responsibilities now that I was divorced," recalled Ms. Gumb. "Just because there wasn't a man around didn't mean I didn't still have to cook three meals a day, wash clothes and make the beds. Just because there's no husband or father doesn't mean the Being a single woman is a chance to know yourself by testing your capabilities and limitations. To do for yourself daily, drop preconceptions, take risks, and reach out for new experiences.

The single life can be an honest way of life once a person meets its challenges. kids and I weren't family. We are a family. We have a life together, and I work hard to maintain it." In a couple-oriented society, people often don't see singles as leading valid lifestyles, with the underlying implication that only marriage wins society's recognition. In fact, being single is not just an uncomfortable transition before marriage.

The freedom it offers to a person who doesn't have to answer to anyone builds an enriching life. Corinne Kenney, 33, a writer-producer for ETV's Continuing Education Division, says her life is good. "I'm a dyed-in-the-wool snow-ski enthusiast," she said. "I'm the past president of the Columbia Ski Club. I love all sports.

Water skiing I used to jump out of airplanes. I jumped 421 times. Then I sold my parachute and bought a motorcycle." Ms. Kenney, who has never married, said she's trying to do everything she can now, knowing that a husband and father could curtail her activities. At present, the Ski Club is important to her social life, sponsoring activities year-round.

Of the 400 members in ages ranging from 25 to 40, well over half are single. In response to the need for companionship, if not commitment, churchsponsored singles groups are also popular. Joe Robertson, the fellowship chairwoman of the recently formed Trinity Singles Group, said what their people want the most is an opportunity to form friendships and to expand the singles community. Offering spiritual, social, and fellowship programs, the group offers a range of members, from professors to government administrators to stockbrokers and small business proprietors. "Church singles groups offer a marvelous alternative to meeting people in secular settings," continued Ms.

Robertson. "I think the dynamics are dramatically different. What people really need is friendship, caring, support and warmth." Other singles' lifestyles affirm this. Judy Weesner, an insurance agent with Equitable Life Assurance Society, is the divorced mother of two teenagers. Rather than a mate, her children hold first priority with her.

"I have a very good relationship with my kids," Ms. Weesner commented. "We are clearly a family. They are so involved in the household. At 14, Stephen was helping me balance the checkbook and pay bills.

Now Katherine helps." Next to her children, Ms. Weesner values her friendships. "In the last four years, I've spent a lot more time with women friends. It's been a very rich experience. There are some fantastic women around Columbia," she said.

For Ms. Gumb the support of her church community and friends got her through a tough adjustment. "'The friendships I've made have taught me a new respect for people. Just because somebody hasn't traveled my exact road doesn't mean they're a lesser person than I. I've learned to accept people as they are." As for remarrying, Ms.

Gumb doesn't rule it out, but it's not a priority. "I have enough to keep me interested and alive. You've got to be all right within yourself before you run out and get involved with another person," she advised. Ms. Weesner is still working on her personal goals too.

"I'm hesitant to make a commitment to a man right now because I'm not financially independent yet. I don't want that the lure of more income to color my decision." Emphatic about the financial hardships, Ms. Weesner said the worst thing about being a single mother was "how damn broke you are the absolute sheer, debilitating panic over not having enough money." At 40, her determination to make a higher income prompted her to become an independent sales agent a year ago. "The thing about the feminization of poverty is true. I've really experienced it.

The children see that I do three full-time jobs run a home, raise them, and work outside and it makes them angry to see their dad make more than come home from work and she said. Ms. Weesner expects her money struggles to lessen as she builds her insurance business. Meanwhile, she keeps a positive outlook. "There's something about living on the edge that dredges up the best I am capable of being.

I do feel smug. I feel damn good about where I am. I have two great kids. I do community things. I have a house and eat a good meal every day.

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