The Sault Star from Sault St. Marie, Ontario, Canada • 35

THE SAULT STAR SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2002 WEEKENDER 3 Family Barbara Burrows Parenting Persuading 5-year-old boy become a good loser Dear Barbara: My 5-year-old son is intensely competitive while playing games. He gets so upset when he loses and often ruins the game even before it is over when he can see he is going to lose. I am trying to help him become a good winner as well as loser, but with not much success I'm afraid. How can I make him into a better sport? Dear Parent: At this age, children are just starting to take an interest in formal games, but still get tremendous enjoyment from imaginary play. In imaginary play, children can make believe anything they want.

The kitchen table, covered with a blanket becomes a hospital, cave, fire truck, house depending upon the child's mood that particular day. In imaginary play, there is no winner or loser. The child simply pretends in a way that pleases him most. When the child feels too little (as children of this age frequently do) he may put a towel around his neck and pretend to be Superman. This helps him feel bigger and stronger.

It can help children tremendously in early formal game playing to allow them to make up the rules of the game in the same way they make up rules to imaginary games to help them cope with difficult feelings. When young children are allowed to change the rules of the real game, it helps them avoid feelings of defeat, which are often over -whelming at this age. When a child suddenly decides, for example, that he is supposed to go up both the snakes and the ladders, but his parent is to go down both, the child is expressing how defeated he feels when the parent happens to roll a better number and moves ahead in the game. Young children cannot understand To them, the person moving ahead is the better person. When parents go along with the child's pretend rules, a child suddenly feels "bigger" and "good" (like he does with the Superman cape around his Barbara Burrows welcomes your questions or comments at Therapists try to help divorced parents remain parents By SUSAN SCHWARTZ Southam Newspapers MONTREAL Two Montreal therapists have assembled a toolbox for divorced parents and packed it with implements you'd expect: tools to unwrench that gut, level those emotions, hammer out new strategies.

In their Toolbox Workshop for Divorced Parents, Marla Yanofsky and Vikki Stark of the Montreal Family Centre have developed a way to try to help two adults who no longer live together to be parents together Their intention, with the 3 workshop, is to provide a measure of understanding of why conflict is so much a part of the end of a marriage as well as some practical skills to set aside this conflict for the sake of the children. One problem is that divorcing spouses are rarely both at the same stage: the partners who initiate the divorce have often spent months gearing up and working through a lot their feelings so that by the time they actually go, they have nothing to say. But the partners playing catch-up want answers. The two are not on the same page and it might take a long time before they are. If ever.

"Our premise is that they have to get past the stage they are at as former spouses," Yanofsky said. "They have to deal with it on one level and co-parent on another." In the majority of divorcing couples, it's safe to say, there is a lot of negative feeling, especially at the outset. "Every behaviour is recreated into another opportunity to say "You Yanofsky cited an example. A child was so excited to see his father arrive at his mother's house to pick him up that he ran, jacketless, out to the car. "Why is your mother letting you out without a jacket in this weather?" the father demanded.

"The kid was excited and the father misinterpreted," Yanofsky said. "We want to get people to realize they are wearing this divorce filter." They want them to think about how their behaviour could be perpetuating the conflict in their relationship and trapping their children in the crossfire of that conflict. Stark told of one client who believed that, no matter what his ex-wife did, she was being manipulative. "Even if it is something nice, like she drops the kids off early, he is thinking, 'She is only doing it so she can go be with her No matter what she does, he has got this filter on that everything is negative. "He said to me: 'I know how she He writes her into a script and there is no re-thinking of parts." What Yanofsky and Stark are trying to do is just that: to get parents to re-think their parts, change their behaviours and attitudes, realize they need to take off the divorce filter and put on a parent filter.

And they believe that's possible. "It's really all about talking to each other, about seeing the nuances of other people as human and not a threat," Stark said. The evening workshop will be held monthly in the therapists' downtown office, in what they intend as a non-threatening group environment. People can decide whether to come on their own or with their ex-spouse. The toolbox includes a lot of practical advice, including several techniques to deflect conflict.

These include: The Judo technique. Stick to the topic and don't sidetracked or riled or aggressive. The Amnesia technique. Learn to pretend you have no history with your former spouse. "Stay in the moment," Stark said.

It lets you take off your divorce filter full of negative memories and pay attention to your parental filter and deal as your children's parents, not as ex-spouses. The Fake-it! technique. Smile even though you're gritting your teeth. Say hello to your former spouse when dropping off the kids or at soccer games. "Kids would rather see their parents faking it than ignoring each other or being cold," Stark said.

"At least they are making an effort." Yanofsky added: "And you get used to it. It comes more naturally after a while." Montreal Gazette LITERACY Program give kids solid footing for school Success comes from getting children interested in books By JAC MACDONALD Southam Newspapers EDMONTON Julie Thate is only two-and-ahalf years old, but already she knows her ABCs and can recognize the letters of the alphabet. Her mother Janice has seen big changes in her little girl since she began attending Rhymes that Bind, one of about 10 different literacy programs offered by Edmonton's Centre for Family Literacy. Julie still likes to buzz around and get into everything she can, but now she focuses on certain words, songs, and rhymes. Whenever she hears her favourite song, Itsy Bitsy Spider, she hurries and jumps into mom's lap.

"It's hard to get them to sit for any length of time at that age, but when she hears the song, she runs over and sits down with me," Janice Thate says. Janice lays her daughter's new-found concentration at the feet of Rhymes that Bind, a program she attends once a week with Julie at the Norwood Child and Family Resource Centre. Ten to 15 other moms and toddlers sit in a circle and sing nursery rhymes and make appropriate hand movements to teach their kids ageold ditties. The program is providing Julie with a solid platform for school. "I want her to be comfortable in school and not faltering.

I want her to be able to go to school and not come home and say: 'I cannot do SOUTHAM MAUREEN SANDERS, executive director at the Centre for Family Literacy, aims at teaching children to read while they're very young. this, and I cannot do that," Janice says. Rhymes that Bind provides preschoolers with a strong foundation in oral language. It sets the stage for reading comprehension with early recognition of similar sounds in the English language, says the literacy centre's executive director Maureen Sanders. "It's the way the brain develops in those early years.

You lose that if you are not doing some of those rich activities with kids," Sanders says. Successful literacy comes from getting children to take an interest in books at home before they get to school. Otherwise kids can get be-; hind their peers and may never recover, she says. The literacy centre aims to improve literacy by: offering family programs, including a Storybook Bus, a book mobile that makes weekly visits into. various neighbourhoods.

It also offers classes for preschool children and to improve the skills of their parents at the same time. Social Announcements Forthcoming Marriage Mr. and Mrs. Ian Valentine are pleased to announce the forthcoming marriage of their daughter, Kelly to Bruno, son of Mr. and Mrs.

Pietro Cestra. A fall wedding is planned. SEARS Request. Forthcoming Marriage Brady Joseph Bazzo would like to announce the marriage of his mother and father Cherie Lee-Ann Case daughter of Steve and Cheryl Case to Gary John Bazzo son of Debbie Mancuso and Gary Bazzo on Saturday, October 5, 2002 Eastside Church of Christ. SEARS A Invitation The family of Leonard and Eleanor Smith invite you to a Come and Go Tea in honour of Leonard's 80th birthday at the Community Centre in Little Rapids from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.

on Saturday, September 28, 2002. Best wishes only. BEST WISHES TO ALL Graduate 35th Anniversary Darlene Gale Ann Nelson and Joseph Leo Cormier were married on September 23, 1967 at St. Gregory's Church. They have two daughters Shelley and Deborah.

They have been blessed (and kept very busy) with three granddaughters; Laura, Jessica and Hanalei and one grandson Mikaele. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad! We would like to wish you both many more wonderful and happy years together. May God continue to bless the two of you. You have been inspirational to all of us. Without your love nothing would be possible.

With love, your family, Shelley, Laura, and Jessica Beach and Debbie, Mike, Hanalei and Mikaele Sebecic. 20th Anniversary Kelly Digby and Grant Pinder were united in marriage September 25, 1982 at Willowgrove United Church in Sault Ste. Marie. They have three beautiful daughters, Cindy, Miriam and Emma. Congratulations and best wishes for many more wonderful years together.

Love from your Family. 55th Anniversary Guido and Rose Stocco (Borghese) had their 55th Wedding Anniversary blessed on July 28, 2002 by Father Amadio at St. Gregory's Church. All your family wishes for you a future of healthy, happy years together. All our love; Brenda and Gino, Brian and Linda, Anthony and Connie, Anita and Christopher and all your grandchildren.

50th Anniversary Helma Janssen and Otto Meincke were married in Sudbury, September 27, 1952. They have five children: Frank (Margaret), Otto (Theresa), Barbara (Ken), Karen (Pat) of Traverse City, Michigan and Ken (Katherine). Their grandchildren are Jennifer, Steven, Marilyn, Kelly, Karly, Brianne, Brian, Stephanie, Jessica, Ken and Emily. Congratulations Mom and Dad, Oma und Opa with love and best wishes for many more years to come. Invitation Invitation Jim and Vera Lanthier are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

Their children invite you to come celebrate with them at a "Come and Go Tea" at their home Sunday, October 13 from 1:00 to 4:00 p.m. Best wishes only. Anne Lorraine Lamming of North Vancouver, formerly from Sault Ste. Marie, has graduated from Simon Fraser University in Vancouver with a B.A. in English and a Teachers Certificate in English as a Second Language.

During two years of study at Simon Fraser she majored in English Literature and Linguistics. Prior to transferring to Simon Fraser, Lorraine attended Capilano College i in North Vancouver for three years, graduating with a General Studies Diploma She is employed at Winfield College in Vancouver, teaching English as a Second Language. Lorraine is the daughter of Beatrice Webb and Arthur Armstrong of Sault Ste. Marie. She is the mother of four children; Stephanie Van Buskirk (Jensen), Gregory Lamming (Nicole) and Erin and Devin Lamming.

She is also proud Nana of Bronwyn Van Buskirk. Congratulations Lorraine. By your hard work and determination, you have accomplished so much. You are indeed an inspiration and we are so proud of you. With love, Mom and all your family.

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