Newsday (Suffolk Edition) from Melville, New York • 75

arts entertainment 34 DAVE BARRY a backdrop of family home movies hfcWMMr photo am mm tz in his autobiographical play as a Presents present a problem Christmastime is a festive time a time of parties and presents and songs that we ail love except for the Red-Nosed which I for one got tired of in approximately and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-rad iu button I prefer traditional Christmas carols such as Dong Merrily on I I am not making this carol up The lyrics are: dong merrily on high!" something something)" I know the rest because I never got past the first line without cracking up This song used to absolutely slay me and my boyliood friends when we sang it in St Steplien's Episcopal Church in Armnnk NY And no wonder It is a well-known axiom of music discovered in 1783 by Mozart (this was I lerb Mozart) that is no such thing as a bad song that has dong' in the title" Other examples are "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" and "Slmma Lama Ding Dong" which is nut to be confused with "Rama Lama Ding Dong" also an excellent sting Hut getting back to Christmas: My point is that although this is a festive time of year it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group a group whose needs all too often are overlooked in our society 1'hat group is: men Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex and subtle reasons by which I mean: women litis problem dates back to the very first Christmas We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Hethlchem and gave the a baby Jesus gifts of gold frankincense and myrrh Now gold is always a nice gift but frankincense and myrrh at least according to my dictionary are gum 3 resins Who gives gum ins to a baby? The answer is: men The Wise Men being S5 men didn't even START shopping for gifts until the last minute when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve The only place still open was Dig Stu's House of Myrrh So the Wise Men showed 2 up at the manger handed their baby gifts to Mary and See BARRY on B8 his father makes memorable theater of a Long Beach living room Billy Crystal performs against BROADWAY REVIEW Billy Crystal's ode to 700 SUNDAYS Written hy and starring Billy Crystal directed by Des McAnuff Broadhurst Theatre 235 44th St through March 6 Tickets S7625-S1012S Phone 212-239-6200 Seen at Thursday preview BY LINDA WINER STAFF WRITER The literature of the American theater is chockablock with dysfunctional-family dramas stories about fathers loathing mothers wives resenting husbands brothers and sisters who care too much or not enough and the damage wreaked on the psyche of anyone within loving distance But a functional family drama? What a concept In fact "700 Sundays" the Billy Crystal solo that opened last night at the Broadhurst Theatre with the sort of advance sales known only to mega-musicals is far more than a concept It is also more than a glorified stand-up routine more than a self-aggrandizing personal tribute more than a greatest-hits rehash of real-or-imagined career triumphs "700 is a real play make that a sweetheart of a mily real play about growing up with love humor and loss in the Crystal bungalow in Long Beach Long Island The set designed by David Weiner is a replica of the front of that modest red-brick house with the aqua woven-plastic lawn chair that seems to have been allotted to every family of certain uncertain means Three windows two downstairs one above are dressed in Venetian blinds from which slats of light make shadows as memories grow distant Crystal has dared to trust that his family stories complete with his home movies projected on the windows are worth imposing on strangers on Broadway for major money He and director Des McAnuff dare right Yes the visit to almost childhood would feel pretty long at 2Vt hours Eugene O'Neill this is not On the other hand family wasn't this funny Crystal definitely has a story to tell one of "Jews and jazz brisket and bourbon" in a home where hard-working everyday parents clearly adored each other and their late-life third son a show-off named Billy Oh they also happened to be besotted with jazz greats who hung out in the little house because the father Jack and the uncle Milt ran the Commodore Music Shop in Manhattan then produced legendary and integrated jazz records on Commodore the first independent music label Sentimental? You bet Manipulative? So what? The title refers to the finite number of Sundays Crystal was able to spend with his father who worked every other day of the week and who died suddenly at the bowling alley when the son was just 15 Crystal dressed simply in a brown sweater and dark pants holds the stage with all the savvy and accumulated affection of a multifaceted good-natured career Unlike other solos in the Vegas-ization of Broadway this one weaves the comic routines almost incidentally into the plot Without having to have him explain we understand exactly the territory from which the young Crystal channelled second-generation Jews how this little white boy with the open face could develop the unerring timing from the outsider rhythms of jazz and where he located his inner Sammy Davis Jr We can also trace the sadness to a story seldom explored the life-altering effect of being a child who loses a par ent Crystal describes this as "Somebody handed me a which he carries and embraces through his life We also see the pressure on a child to amuse the remaining parent to keep her laughing through her loneliness and even her stroke Until his family took him to the Catskills he wanted to be a baseball player As he remembers the impact: "I could never be Mickey Mantle But this So he does a virtuosic also adolescent bit about his deaf grandfather's flatulence And we can see the little boy who practiced the routine until it had the rhythms of percussion symphony And he does a wonderful monologue as his indomitable Aunt Shirley complaining that because of her gay daughter she and her husband are the "only barren grandparents in our Best of all a big photo of Aunt Shirley is projected on the bungalow window And we can watch tiny Billy tap dance on one leg while the big Billy does it live Some of the humor (especially the one about the French and about Eleanor Roosevelt) panders and really that star-encrusted sky at the end is too much Stars in the sky we get all the time on Broadway Stars who write plays are the real special effects.