Evening Standard from London, Greater London, England • 242

26 THURSDAY 6 AUGUST 1998 Film EVENING STANDARD nviiMiiiA vimiirnmii iiiii vii VlHnll 0 mill IRUWIIHIHII lltWIHl 9 I samBsk STARTS TOMORROW 12 ABC TOTTENHAM Ct RD 0870 9020414 ABC HAMPSTEAD 0670 9020413 ABC PUTNEY 0670 9020401 STARTS AUGUST 21 monnw ABC SHAFTESBURY AVL itonttw EQj DIGITAL SOUND 12510514585 NOW BOOKING tel 0870 9020402 PwmmI mNwi from lUOpm STARTS AUGUST 14 AND AT CINEMAS NATIONWIDE ARMAGEDDON Cert 12 141 mins A GREAT voice out of the temple as so described in the King James Bible but soon identifiable as Charlton Heston mouthpiece of the gun dubs of America and now spokesman for the world booms at us as Armageddon opens Once dinosaurs ruled the earth Then blockbusters of the non-Hollywood kind struck from outer space And lo! life as the dinos knew it was gone in a flash A lesson for all of us It could happen again Sixty-five million years later however one dinosaur is still on the loose Its name FIRST CHOICE TELEPHONE USA Dr 3ppcrmhi FRANCE hr Spprrnta GERMANY fr 8p per ail JAPAN fir 13ppernta HONGKONG frlTOpcrofai KOREA fir 45p prr min INDIA fr 30p prr nfa ISRAEL frl7ppcrai NIGERIA fr 38p prr mla PAKISTAN fr 45p per mIr CHINA fr40pperMfai For cheap instant connections call us now Office hours: Sun-Thur 8am-10pm Friday 8am3pm FREEPHONE ACCESS PLEASE HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD READY ALL MAJOR CRKDIT CARDS AU'EPTKD PLEASE RING 08004963344 Off pa run MppNtrfih hr mMmm 056 Mctat AN prim IrUi VAT mi NTTfCt BN 9m rf Ipifil Ml pM PfKMMMIIiS COMMENCING 6NQMI FOR 7 ONTI 130 Uli Stow RUM IIAOpni SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS (12) 4AIUQ LOO Lrii Shod RVSrit IIJOp THE CASTLE (1911215130440 MOHO THE LITTLE MERMABm 11001JOnU8uiOMS) CITY OF ANGELS ra ISA 120k MO THE REPLACEMENT NLLERS (M Uh Oho RffiM on nm Mrt 12 MtMgN grease ra uoi Mi too THEWtSHHASTERim UM 8ho FttlStf a Fin Mil SOm pmjuem mo noi 410 GARNEYS GREAT ADVENTURE tun too 8OULFOOO(i5)110l40 CNolTIui 1MB) Uh Shod M8M 11 JOpni THE MAGIC 8WOHO U) 1110k 2j00l 400 MAO CITY (mMOk 150 Piwlwltw 12ME TIC JMNOEM (12) 110 1 MO MChdw4)ftlAEMlMrfAvl WINllltilllllfe OMlELVll ill mm (III iRUMfe IIMIII) kids quiet Only they could stand the racket it makes Armageddon hasnt a brain in its head or tail and would regard one as a mar keting handicap It does have one or two witty touches like the fireball that frizzles inflatable Godzilla toys on a street Sitch But like stale jokes i a Christmas cracker ignored if the bang is big enough-The only solution Nasa comes up with is to split the approaching boulder with nuclear warheads Willis is tugged away from pursuing the guy (Ben AfiQedO currently bedding his grown-up daughter (Liv Tyler) so as to answer his president's call to go aloft and drill the nukes into the asteroid Okay he says so long as he can handpick his team So the imminent end of civilisation as Hollywood knows it is reduced to a macho demonstration by the Bad Boys Club of America In this case a bunch of over-developed retards roughnecks and butt-heads proto-fosdsts every one who are hauled out of tattoo parlours betting shops topless ban and collecting agencies for the Mob They volunteer for the suicide mission provided they are exempted from paying taxes for life: a Hollywood dream All are given crash courses at Nasa including an intelligence test a clear waste of the taxes that non-tax exempt people pay For all its simulation of technical sophistication the film relies on brawn brutishness and mind-numbing ear-splitting dumb-downing destructiveness to keep going Any lull in the vandalism such as occurs when the first attempt at astral dentistry foils is filled by minor catastrophes like the vaporizing of Paris France What happens to London England goes unreported Moscow Russia however is represented by an idiot astronaut (Peter Stormare) His obsolescent Soviet-built space shuttle is Uter YEAR ally foiling to bits when Willis and his gang of hard-hat techno-thugs dock beside it to reftiel before j-shooting round the Moon -landing on the asteroid and giving it the nuclear toothache If it working hit it seems all that the instruction manual tells him Casting the once omnipotent USSR as the comic patsy in this demonstration of Yankee buddy-buddiness and can-do jingoism is the meanest bit of triumphalism in the movie The film is engineered rather than directed The assembly is done by Michael Bay a non-talent from MTV under the supervision of producer Jerry Bruckheimer the same Bruckheimer who produced ConAir about another airborne cargo of miscreants who included a homicidal paedophile played by Steve Buscemi At least Buscemi swings the other way in Armageddon as a womanising sociopath hooked on girls with big busts Liv Tyler the only woman in the league is simply there for her man (Affleck) to paw her her papa (Willis) to bawl her out for letting him and then to give them both his blessing when Big Bruce shoulders the Jesus role and saves the world by dying for it Star vanity aspire any higher meagre talent be rated any lower than acting as these mascot partner in other high-concept movies manufactured to macho specifications was the late Don Simpson now being posthumously reviled for and wide as a Beverly Hills degenerate whose own craving for speed violence heavy weaponry and addictive drugs exactly replicated the "cocaine rush" the ride" the non-stop collision of sensory bombardment and senseless events that similarly shai of watching Our film censors have given it a 12 Certificate presumably on the grounds of its narrative infantilism But the potential risks inherent in its reproduction of the mindless sound and ftiry the exhilarating nihilism of the video-arcades culture strikes me as anything but appropriate for a preadolescent audience of that age Or if it comes to that for an adult one of any age is Bruce Willis rently drilling for Alexander oil in the South rhinn Sea under VVALilVrjIl the name of CRITIC OF THE Nuts" Harry Stamper and slamming golf balls into the Greenpeace ship keeping an eye on his depredations he is spared the spitballs of fire soon raining down on New York the third attack on the Big Apple in as many months of movies This hors sequence that implodes Grand Central Station ihRlt C( MHUf IIIKlI iDXVIllMINHlIt Ml i wo mvqnimii 'IV I- 1 1 decapitates the Chrysler building and chips the World Trade Center serves notice that bigger events are approaching: namely "an asteroid the size of Texas" What does it all mean the White House demands? "The end of mankind Mr President" answers head honcho (Billy Bob Thornton) Whether mankind as depicted in Armageddon is in fact worth saving is never discussed Following the Identical plot line that served Deep Impact all Armageddon is interested in is targeting an audience who wont ask for anything more philosophical than nearly two-and-a-half hours ofthesort of video game that delinquent parents buy to keep their NOW SHOWING PHOENIX htnikhuv MMOMOIM liUKsJ rmJTrrn STARTS amFNDAU AND AT SELECTED GNEMAS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.