Prospector from El Paso, Texas • Page 15

PAGE 1,1977 Single parents adapt to new lifestyles By Don Puca You're age mother, a going to school. You must work full time to support yourself and your child. You must learn, somehow, to contend with the fears of failure and the paradoxical situation of being free, 'and yet, not being free. Your friends date, but do not need a baby sitter. You want so much from your life and your education.

But you must fight for every must survive. The hardest part is coping-coping with your children, the lack of money and the pressures of school and life. "Trying to balance school and the rearing of a child is very hard. You're always balancing and trying to do all those things you always wanted to do," one single parent said. ''Frustration, insecurity, financial and emotional immaturity all lend themselves to lack of preparedness for marriage and university life." Her name is Vickie.

At age 27, she's the mother of an elementary school-aged boy, who is learning to cope with school and a life without his father. Seven years ago, Vickie was a credit analyst supporting her husband while botli attended college. The everyday pressures built into frustration, so eventually the marriage failed. Today, Vickie is a divorced feminist who lives with John, also a divorcee. "People have a tendency to healthy.

But a mature, sharing relationship has a need for independence too," she says. John and Vickie share a common interest in writing and poetry, and describe themselves as "private people." They live modestly in a rented home, deriving their income from veterans benefits and child support payments. "We never have too much money, but we manage, and things always work out," John explains. While you're hanging around swing by Pizza Inn. The atmosphere is great and the pizza is the kind you can really get your teeth into.

If nothing else, it might keep you from climbing the walls. Izza Inn. Thick or Thin With this coupon buy any giant large -list) or medium size pizza (Thick Thin crust) at regular menu pnce and receive one pizza ol the nsxt smaller size with equal number of ingredients and the same type crust FREE VINO Tmu February 7,1977 FL-1 PLEASE PRESENT WITH GUEST CHECK 4120 N. Mesa 5830 Montana 9501 Dyer St. 1198 Yarbrough Pizza inn But their new lifestyle appears to be hardest on Vickie's son.

"It's very difficult for a boy to adjust. It takes a lot of patience and understanding; John can't replace Phillip's real father," she said. Yet, Vickie thinks the father image is overrated by many Americans. "In most families, the father has the dominate role," she said; "but in reality no man puts into a family what the woman does. Sure, it's nice if a male child has that relationship, but it's not necessary." However, some of the young mother's peers disagree.

One of these is Anne, another single parent with two preschool-aged children. "A man can give as much as the mother does, but it's up to the individual man," Anne said, suggesting that women such as Vickie "are just bitter." "Most women get bitter. If-I have a bad day'I'm occasionally bitter, but I really love men," she said. "I don't believe I got shafted in my marriage, and I don't believe everyone's out to screw me." To support her two children who live comfortably with her in a small home, Anne works as a night cocktail waitress and attends UT El Paso full time. "If I didn't have a maid, school would be impossible," she added.

Now financially independent, this young mother sees feminism as an eletist "clique" that offers little to the common woman except rhetoric. "I'm not interested in what all the other women feel, think or say. All those external things don't relate to me," she explained. "I cope with the here and now-my work, school, my family." She related the story of her own marriage, describing it as "miserable." She told of feeling trapped, and of putting on a front for the family. Then, one morning she told her husband, "This isn't working." Her husband replied to her that she was "crazy." "He liked to think we had a lot in common, but it was a sick relationship.

He liked to go out with the boys and drink or smoke dope. Now, I know we came together only because of inadequacies in ourselves," she said. Like many young parents without partners, Anne's life has a new outlook, and she hopes to go to law school. Others have shaped whole new lifestyles or redirected themselves in more creative directions, leaving theii self-destructiveness in the past. Yet, she contends her life "grew" through this experience.

"But I can't speak for anyone else. To think, I could have been a fat, dull, stupid, frustrated that I have anything against housewives," she added, then chuckled. Many similar young divorced parents like Vickie and Anne are counseled by Bill Wilson of UT El Paso. "Frustration, insecurity, financial and emotional immaturity all lend themselves to the lack of preparedness for marriage and university life," says Wilson, an educational psychology and guidance counselor. Wilson is a divorced parent who deals regularly with community and student problems.

"Very few of us in our present society know how to cope," he said. "We deal with life in shorthand and solve our problems in longhand." Still, he says physical encounters arc good only when they are reciprocal. The counselor cited personal awareness as a major step toward meeting a person's needs and those in any relationship. In a marriage, the wiry-haired counselor suggests, persons must "be aware of playing games and of what they might lead to." Many individuals play saving stamp games. They mentally keep track of their partners bad deeds, like so many "Brown GAYLE'S BEAUTIFUL NAILS Nails Wrapping UTEP SPECIAL- Mention this ad for a $5.00 DISCOUNT on Sculptured Nails offer ends Feb.

28 5744 TROWBRIDGE MOatTrowbridge 779-0147 or 592-0147 until they have an entire book saved. Then, for no related cause they suddenly release their frustrated anger on their mate. "The big problem people have is taking care of others 'mentally," Wilson said. Their real need, he thinks, is for them to be in control of their own lives, and have responsibility for themselves. "But society has never prepared young men or women for marriage, or even sex," "Wilson added.

Because of America's "White Male System," he says persons work through roles, never letting other persons see their true selves. Then, he adds, "We're expected to hit a home run in life the first time. "For our lives to really work we have to say: 'I'm not gonna listen to what you're saying to me. Tell me what you're And then we must get in touch with Nevertheless, Wilson admits that getting in touch with oneself does not preclude the success of a relationship. A 34-year-old employe of UT El Paso was married for eight years.

One day-he said he became aware that his life was a bore. "I found financial success early in my life, and I had all the trophies: the wife, the child, the stone home, but I wasn't happy," the man said. Relating his story, he described on Saturday morning while mowing the lawn he asked himself, "What are you doing? Do you want to just spend the rest of your life collecting trophies?" "Trying to balance school and the rearing of. a child, is very hard." He went inside the house and told his wife of his feelings. A month later they filed for divorce.

"I didn't just divorce my wife, I divorced a lifestyle, he added. I have a daughter who is 8, and I feel guilty that I don't see her enough. I'm not totally involved with her growing up," he said, "but I write her and she calls me. I only wish I could have more of an influence on her life." Getting a divorce presented a financial "hassle" for this person who found even child support "I sympathize," he'said, "emotionally and financially with anyone in school going through a divorce." Mike, a recent University graduate, can attest to that. His divorce in his last school year led him into bankruptcy.

"My wife and I were really incompatible. But being in love, we glossed over our basic differences and got married," he said. Since then, he has learned to ask questions about those subjects that set persons apart: religion, lifestyle, background, and education. Mike says it was lack of communication that, caused his first marriage to go awry. "My wife simply told me what I wanted to hear.

Then one day she ran off with a man 180 degrees different from mysclf-the real 'rnacho' type," he said. He reflected on his broken marriage saying, "It's hurt my two daughters the most." Despite the facts, the court awarded Mike's wife custody of their two children, and he is petitioning the court for a change. Now, in his 30s Mike has remarried and is trying to overcome his personal tragedy by being aware of himself and the needs and ambitions of his new wife. "We're in love," he says softly. Psychologists say that the young and the old have a primal need to be held and to be loved.

But somewhere, somehow, many persons have let life's irrelevances get in the way and have forgotten the adage of peace on earth, good will to all men. In Gestalt therapy, this adage means, '-Tell me what you feel." UTEP SPRING TOUR 1977 TO MAZATLAN March 18-24 (7 Days 6 Nights) The tour, designed especially for UTEP students and endorsed by the Student Association departs from El Paso March 18 by special chartered bus arrive March 19 and stay at the beautiful Hotel Posada de Don Pelayo. Included In this tour are round-trip transportation, 4 nights lodging, a sightseeing tour of Mazatlan and more! $125 PER PERSOM (Double or Triple Occupancy) TRAVEL 609 E. YANDELL For Reservations Call Tippy at 533-1639.