The News and Observer from Raleigh, North Carolina • 35

EDNES THE NEWS NEVER People 2 TV 6 Comics 8 Tell Me A Story WEDNESDAY JANUARY 18 1995 tomed to certain privileges Ram: play you for it C'mon you and me just like old times Or have you forgotten how? Doctor: Gentlemen please With a swipe of his tail the Wolf knocks the Devil off the couch and onto the floor Devil: Hey! That was uncalled for Tangled nets trap Trelddes Wolf: You'll get used to it Wait till tonight (Draping himself across the couch) If anyone deserves to sit here I do Don't you agree Goat-boy? Ram: I'm not a goat I'm a ram! Wolf: Oh I thought you were a Tar Heel (Under his breath) Talk about identity crisis Doctor: Gentlemen gentlemen if you'll settle down we can proceed You're here to work on your relationship remember? Mr Wolf if you don't mind? With a bemused shrug the Wolf scoots to one end Rolling his eyes the Devil takes the opposite end The Ram grumbling squeezes between them Doctor: That's better Now I must confess I'm more accustomed to counseling dysfunctional families than mascots but your case intrigues me First we have Mt Ram the oldest the achiever burdened by the highest of expectations Then we have Mr Devil who has enjoyed a pampered upbringing and perhaps taken it for granted And finally we have Mr Wolf the middle child overlooked forgotten and unappreciated Let's get started shall we? Mr Ram why are you here today? Ram: Why do I have to go first? It's the Devil who needs help if you ask me You seen his record? Doctor: We'll get to him But how about you? What are you feeling right now? Ram: Oh I'm feeling great Nothing like losing to the Big Bad Wolf here What's next the Campbell Camels? Doctor: So you're upset about the game Is there anything else? Ram: (Shaking his head) I don't know everything has gotten so out of whack Did you see what happened in the Sun Bowl? We had that game won Now Curtis Johnson and Greg Black are turning pro and who knows how long Stack and 'Sheed will stick around On top of all that we can't even find a a (choking back tears) new chancellor And did you see where US News World Report ranked us? Doctor: I'm hearing a lot of pain and insecurity Wolf: Sounds great doesn't it? Doctor: Mr Wolf why exactly does that please you? (Editor's note: These are strange times in the hoops universe First NC State whips No 1-ranked Carolina then Duke forgets how to win an ACC game The balance of power on Tobacco Road as we know it is shifting 71) cope with this traumatic turn of events the schools' mascots have gone into group therapy Here's how their first session went) BY CHARLES SALTER JR STAFF WRITER Receptionist: Doctor your 11 o'clock group is here Doctor: Ah yes the threesome Please show them in Two figures enter the office The first is covered in dark fur from head to toe He has a huge upturned snout shiny white fangs and a long bushy tail He wears an NC State sweater and a smirk The second figure drags his hooves across the carpet his il whitefurry arms folded it across a wornjaded 14 Carolina jersey His eyes are sunken and bloodshot his mouth in a scowl He looks over his shoulder Ram: You coming or not? The third figure emerges dressed entirely in navy blue blue boots blue tights 1 blue cape i 1' blue on his t'- l'11 chest even blue horns on his blue head Carrying a pitchfork missing 1to'''' -i' two prongs he sprawls A --No CM the couch ---N and yawns 1-' Ram 4-- What do you think 4 you own that couch? Devil: Well I am tr 1111 accus- -t With the Wolf at the door it's identity crisis time for the Devil and the Ram Wolf: You kidding? After all I've been through the past few years I say the more misery for these two the better (To the Devil) How's life with- out a head coach Blue-boy? Doctor: You haven't gotten over the pain of your checkered past have you? I'm hear-mg anger a I Wolf: Look the last time I felt this good was 10 sea 4: sons ago I was i 't the National Champ Doc SEE Hoop PAGE 4E that on't you just know at 'rrelddes all over the country have been calling or e-mailing TreMdes in the 'Mangle to talk about "Star Trek They just have to ask them what they think about the new captain and about The Array and about 'ruvok the black Vulcan and all sorts of things that the Treldde mind finds interesting 2 No1 But alas bil they can't 0' -1- while 'Voyager" ague rs aired Monday ki in most parts s'''' ash of the country it won't be seen here LAM NGFORD until unt Friday night at 8 "Voyager" is the linchpin for UPN the new United Paramount Network which will be shown locally on WRDC Since 'WRDC is also the market's NBC affiliate until the fall it is delaying UPN until NBC's two weakest nights Friday and Saturday WNCN which will take over NBC in October will carry all of NBC's shows those two nights But that name is a bit puzzling isn't it? UPN? Why not just go with the Paramount Network? After all the name Paramount has been a name associated with entertainment for 66 years Why go with the indistinguishable UPN? Because Paramount owns only half of this new network the other half is owned by United Chris Craft (The people who make the boats are also into Paramount signed on nine days (OK five days most places) 'I later than the new Warners 1 Bros Network and both are i going after young mostly male viewers But their approaches are completely different Warner is going with all sitcoms and UPN is going with mostly action-adventure shows bolstered by "Star Trek: Voyager" It's also going with established producers "Marker" which will air Saturdays at 8 comes from the prolific Stephen Cannel It stars Richard Grieco as a guy whose dad handed out these markers to people They're Idnda like those little milk caps that people collect Anyway it could be neat And it's set in a Hawaii so you know that some of the men this network is going for will watch just for the scenery Another is "The Watcher" a show about a guy who mans a camera in Vegas Again lots of action lots of skin Only two sitcoms Richard Jeni's "Platypus Man" and one called "Pig Sty" follow next Friday at 9 and 9:30 Now on to what has been billed as "the TV event of the decade" (Boy if that's true this is gonna be one pathetic decade) "Voyager" is what you've come to expect from executive producer Miller Piller and anything that has the "Star Trek" Insignia Nice special effects nice makeup nice sermonizing But don't you get the feeling that there are oh five basic plots for every one of these "Star Trek" shows? The one for this two-hour pilot SEE LANGFORD PAGE 4E 3 KEITH SIMMONSTHE NEWS OBSERVER BY TANANARIVE DUE KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SERVICE Planning that crucial first date? The right movie is hard to find movie like that to 4-yearold Cynthia Andreas will lose you major points "That to me is just gross That's OK for the teenagers I'd be a little concerned frankly" says Andreas an art therapist The problem is while you're just getting to know each other you don't have a clue about each other's tastes Maybe both of you are secretly dying to see the cool skydiving in "Drop Zone" but you feel obligated to suggest the heartwarming "Nell" instead Result: You're both bored silly Or one of you is A few good rules for date movies: Steer clear of too much sex Heading out for a First Date? Think a movie's a good idea? Maybe Maybe not You're in the treacherous position of choosing the wrong First Date Movie You could be having a great time while your date is thinking "Geez get me away from this loser" Too violent too sappy too stupid it's your fault You can feel the emotional chasm between you grow It happened to a Miami salesman named Mike He took a first date to see the ultra-violent "Natural Born Killers" and she never called him again "The evening culminated with her turning to me and saying 'This is the worst movie I've ever seen in my whole life' says Mike 25 "We really didn't have that much in common but that pretty much put it over the top" Big Freddy Kreuger fan? Can't wait to see "Nightmare on Elm Street Maybe it's better to see it with your buddies Even "suggesting" a The ultraviolent 'Natural Born Killers' is a definite no-no on the other hand 'Nell' might bore SEE DATE PAGE 4E Wednesday in December to confirm the presidential choice of the people who voted on the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November IT HAPPENED ON WEDNESDAY It was once common for businesses in small towns to close Wednesday afternoons so everyone could go to market Louis XIV whose rein as king of France from 1643 to 1715 remains the longest in European history met with a select group of ministers every Monday Wednesday and Saturday to formulate policies FRO STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS II Wednesday's child (who learned to tie his bootlace) MUSICAL WEDNESDAYS "Wednesday Morning 3 am" Simon and Garfunkel's first album which included "The Sounds of Silence" Released in 1964 III "Wednesday Week" by Elvis Costello II "Wednesday" by the Royal Guardsmen WEDNESDAY LITERALLY III "Ash Wednesday" by TS Eliot a "Ash Wednesday Supper" mythology Odin also went by Woden (from which "Wednesday" was derived from "Woden's Votan and some 200 other names he used to reflect a particular le identity for his many Nol adventures both alone and with the other gods This might suggest Wednesday once was a day of excitement though today it is often spent staring at a clock and thinking "At noon the week will be half over" FAMOUS WEDNESDAYS Ash Wednesday a Wednesday Addams by 1 oth century philosopher and poet Giordano Bruno "Hurry Home Wednesday" a tale of growing up in a small Missouri town by Loren Reid "Wednesday the Rabbi Got Wet" by Harry Kemelman CELLULOID WEDNESDAY III "Any Wednesday' a 1966 farce about an executive who uses his mistress' (Jane Fonda) pad as a business deduction AKA III Hump Day AS A POINT OF REFERENCE Ili The 538 members of the Electoral College meet on the first Monday after the second TODAY IS: 1 a Maintenance Day When someone fixes something for you the idea is to say "thank you" A novel thought for some of you perhaps but try it Is today just Maintenance Day? Isn't it also Wednesday that trooper of a 'day wedged in the middle of the week that provides a glimmer of hope that indeed the weekend is coming? We take Wednesday for granted sometimes FYI even scoffed at Wednesday a few weeks back whpn after a pretty hefty profile of Tuesday we blithely indicated we would do the same for Wednes- Lday But when Wednesday came we ignored it discussing instead canine hemorrhoid remedies or the like To make amends to Wednesday as well as the hundreds of readers who complained (or was it two?) herewith our tribute to WEDNESDAY Wednesday the fourth day of the week was named in honor of Odin the chief god in Norse 0.