The Sacramento Bee from Sacramento, California • 26

C2 Monday January 111 999 The Sacramento Bee TOP OF THE PAGE: HUMOR Let's hear yea teuzhl I Everyone says you should have been a comedian Now prove it We want to hear your best jokes jtrrn Please call BeeLine 552-5252 category 4009 and -give us your shot print the best jokes periodically on Droop doggy dog The Food and Drug Administration just approved the first drug just for dogs But just what bums out Fido? Here are some highlights from David Top 10 depressing thoughts your dog may be having 63 years old and my name is I ever catch that idiot who invented gonna bite his arm would he like it if I called myself Snoop Humany Sandler makes $20 million a film and drinking out of a Before you reach for the drugs you might try cheering up your furry pal with some dog jokes What would you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun What did the dog say wnen he sat on sandpaper? sent by kids to talk-show host Rosie Slam dunk ouch! Speaking of snapping and snarling after an all-night session the NBA players and owners agreed to a deal Late-night funny guy David Letterman shared a proposed NBA schedule for the new season that calls for play to resume in two weeks followed a few days later by the Sacramento Kings being eliminated mathematically from playoff contention Hate to tell you this but the audience laughed Hard Qates to dismember Bad-boy birthday party: Tuesday is a big day for the two top contenders for the Mr Obnoxious tiara although only one of them would actually deign to wear it Rush Limbaugh turns 44 Howard Stem turns 46 They deserve each other Everybody do the Watusi! On Jan 11 1963 the Whiskey-A-Go-Go opened on Sunset Boulevard The accordion was patented on Jan 13 1854 We must mark the occasion with one of those classic dam-accordion jokes: What do you call 150 accordions on the ocean floor? A good beginning How to be vino-cultured are now offering fine wine Keep this in mind: Red wine goes with the beef jerky and white wine goes with the David Letterman When landmarks flirt The following fine joke was called into the humor hotline by reader Bill McLarty of Citrus Heights: you know what the leaning Tower of Pisa said to Big Ben? got the time got the Alison apRoberts Where should you never take a dog? To the flea market What do you call a three-legged dog? Skippy Please note: No animals were harmed in the telling of these jokes which were Every day at noon check Smile for the latest funny stuff 1 wwwsacbeecom I Taking tiny vacations in your mind DEAR ABBY ANN LANDERS Guest Column By Linda Weltner 10 steps for 1999 for drug-free kids EAR ABBY: I need your help and 1 II help from parents -in with their children about the dangers of drug abuse They are disas- trous for everyone concerned Parents are the core of our team effort As this new year begins like parents to resolve to do 10 specific things to keep their families drug-free I call these the 1999 New Our family spent a night early in December having dinner at my younger home Julie had worked all day and was trying to get food on the table Her husband arrived late because of a party at his place of business My grandchildren were cranky and in my opinion no one was sufficiently pleased that brought along a me-norah so we could all celebrate the sixth night of Hanukkah On top of that some of us were heading out later in the evening to hear a favorite band I felt out of sorts on edge with so much going on So what did I do? I picked up the newspaper and started reading This is a habit that served me well in childhood When things got chaotic at home when my mother was late and my dad was pacing when my mother put dinner on the table and my father join us when my folks were arguing and my dad was about to walk out the door -1 read I read the pulp science-fiction magazines my mother stacked in the bathroom I read Nancy Drew mysteries I read Archie comic books I read the Cheerios box on the kitchen table if necessary I tuned the bad news out Reading was a terrific defense It kept me from getting entangled in arguments that had nothing to do with me It was a way to escape a situation I had no power to improve It certainly helped in school where I was a speed reader before that term was invented and it opened up whole new worlds offering me perspectives on life I get at home In retrospect like most of the strategies for sparked this thought: What if instead of running away from my anxiety created a stillpoint for myself? Could I have found another way to handle the situation if stopped in my tracks before launching into my habitual mode of reacting? I could have registered the fact that I was uncomfortable I could have identified what I was feeling left out underappreciated tired I could have thought: What do I want to have happen in this moment? I can even imagine asking for a hug from just about anyone and then sitting calmly until I figured out how to be helpful It would have made it easier not just for the others but for me Old habits have an unfortunate way of plunging us back into old habitats Every time I curl into my shell I reaffirm on some level that the people around me are as indifferent to my well-being as I once felt my parents to be Every time I resort to childhood defenses I re-create that world and lose sight of the fact that no longer a helpless child By acting as if being ignored I never notice that Fm actually needed and wanted By replaying an old script with its predictably depressing outcome I never see the situation as it really is full of new possibilities Kundtz calls stillpoints moments of gold that can give brilliance and joy to otherwise dull I think of them as brief interludes of sanity an opportunity to escape from long-ago defeats into a present blessedly full of promise LINDA WELTNER writes for the Boston Globe survival we invent as children overeating lying being extra good feeling numb creating a diversion hurting yourself it was a creative response to a difficult situation That mean appropriate now My parents were so caught up in their own problems that they never objected to my burying myself in a book My present family notices however They get my attention They have to work around me upsetting in the same way that knowing a piece missing from a puzzle casts a pall over the whole undertaking Everyone becomes acutely aware of the dead spot in the room Let me make clear that no one in my family complained used to me They let it go I was the one who was aware of how bizarre my behavior was but I think of any other way to cope That is until my friend Robin lent me her copy of David book How To Be Still When You Have To Keep Kundtz talks about moments when you stop what doing to check in with yourself He suggests establishing stillpoints at times of transition: when halted at a stop sign or waiting for the microwave brushing your teeth or riding an elevator In those periods between one activity and another you detach yourself from the frantic pace of your life and create a moment of calm and reflection concept of stillpoints given up on weighty advice EAR ANN: You recently published a letter from a reader who was angry that four physicians separately tell her she could lower her blood pressure if she lost some weight The woman "wanted to know why her doctors failed to mention this to her I am a physician who has been in practice for several years and I would like to respond to her question Long ago I learned that if a physician wants to drive a patient out of his (or her) office permanently there are two magic sen- tences that will do it One is: think you should see a The other is: need to lose some I have a file in my office with notes from fat former patients (and their fat relatives) cussing me out royally because I had the un-1 mitigated gall to broach the subject of drop- ping some pounds -r I no longer tell my patients they need to lose weight They already know it I only hope they occasionally look in the mirror Doctor In Bowling Green Ky DEAR DOCTOR: Sorry you have been a victim of the the syndrome I hope it will not discourage you and other physicians from telling your patients what they need to hear To do otherwise would be abdicating your responsibility Perhaps instead of lecturing a better approach might be to give (or mail) the patient a diet and say hope this will help you have a healthier and happier DEAR ANN: Please warn your readers about the dangers of using satin sheets I had them on my bed for years and never gave them a thought One morning as I lay on my stomach I saw a towel on the floor and stretched down to pick it up My body slid off the bed so quickly I had no time to react I broke my neck I was told that I came very close to becoming a quadriplegic Fortunately the spinal cord was not severed My doctors were superb and I am slow-1 ly recovering The next person may not be as lucky as I was Ann Please say something about this in your column Cotton Sheets Manchester Conn DEAR MANCHESTER: I have heard of 1 freak accidents but yours is one of the strangest had satin sheets for years in my guest bedroom and I have never known of anyone who slid off Personally I prefer cotton It feels better especially the pillow cases DEAR ANN: a Gem of the Day that could save your readers a trip to the emergency room: Toothpicks are the object most people choke on Dental floss is much safer and works just as well Fremont Neb DEAR FREMONT: Thanks for the input What you have written could be one of the most important pieces of information my readers have seen in a long time ANN LANDERS appears daily in Scene Write her co The Bee PO Box 15779 Sacramento CA 95852 Barry McCafdrey Director Office Of National Drug Control Policy DEAR BARRY: The longest march begins with a single step Your resolutions will help parents who are hesitant to discuss illegal drugs with their children a vital dialogue to begin A Newsweek survey of youth ages 11 to 17 found that parents (86 percent) and grandparents (56 percent) have the greatest influence on young people more than television movies and music (which scored only 22 percent) Read on: Resolutions for Raising Drug-Free Kids 1 Start: never too early to discourage your children from trying drugs Protect them by letting them know you care Even with young children this plays an important role in protecting them from drugs Resolve to start right now 2 Connect: Begin building lines of communication Resolve to do things as a family Show your children that having fun require drugs 3 Listen: Take a more active interest in your lives Resolve to spend at least 30 minutes a week listening to your cares and concerns 4 Educate: Spend at least 30 minutes in the next 30 days explaining in simple facts to your kids how drugs can hurt them and destroy their dreams Then reinforce that message all year 5 Care: Spend at least a few minutes each day telling and showing your children you care about them Make sure they know how proud you are they are drug-free Tell them you are always there for them no matter what happens 6 Learn: Children today are more sophisticated In order to educate your children about the danger of drugs you must first educate yourself In many cases you and your children can learn side by side Sit down to-' gether in the coming months and learn about the risks drugs pose 7 Set limits: Show your children you care by declaring limits: This family do drugs This family hang around with people who do Enforce these limits If you say drinking and it applies to you too Be consistent i 8 Get involved: Join a community watch i group or anti-drug coalition 9 Lead: Set an example 10 Be aware: Look for the warning signs that your child may be developing a sub- stance abuse problem and seek help Readers: Tomorrow print the warning signs to look for i Horoscope By Linda Black growing up Today you get to show that you really have VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22) Today is a 6 Others may find you uncharacteristically quiet today not that you're blue thinking You're studying something that's been put in front of you a difficult job even for you and that's saying something Time to hit the books Do the homework Consult the experts LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 23) Today is a 6 Today is a good day to shop for something you need for your home Before you spend all your money perhaps you can come up with a way to bring more in possible that a friend would like to buy something you need anymore This could turn out to be a win-win situationl SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 21) Today is a 6 You're strong powerful magnetic charismatic everything you always wanted to be Everybody's drawn to you whether they know it or not They want to do whatever you have in mind and that's fine with you You've got a scheme already figured out SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Today is a 7 You're caught in a bit of a squeeze today You're supposed to do something but you You don't have enough money yet You just might have to ask for a postponement If you handle this responsibly there won't be any hard feelings It might cost you a little but OK CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Today is a 6 have more fun today if there's a team to back you up None of you has the whole answer but everybody's got a little part Something that looks impossible to you will look easy to one of your friends AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 1 8) Today is a 6 Ever feel like you're smashing your head against a brick wall? You might feel like that today if trying to get a new idea past someone stubborn Just wait The opposition will fade soon If you can wait until the sun goes into your sign next week you'll have a distinct advantage PISCES (Feb 19-March 20) Today is a 6 A friend can give you the inside scoop on a new development If you're in the market for a new job you could find that too a good day for networking Let people who care about you know what you're up to IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: A team project brings out your natural talent this year You help them get organized Start making your plans right now and continue through most of February brilliant in March Once you get the information you need the answer comes easily Put in a structure in April then climb on it to get what you want by August A hassle in October slows you down temporarily Just put in the correction and keep going Your buddies provide the support you need in November cruise past a setback in December By next January you'll have it all figured out Check the day's rating: 10 is the easiest 0 the most challenging ARIES (March 21-April 19) Today is a 7 You could get into one of those arguments today that's impossible to win No point in butting heads Look at it from the other point of view You may decide to abandon the fight altogether and that could be the wisest course TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Today is a 5 Although your mind is far away it looks like your body is stuck at home That could cause complications and even accidents so be careful It's a better day to have folks over to your house than to travel Why not do your shopping by telephone and fix dinner yourself instead of going out? GEMINI (May 21-June 21) Today is a 5 If you can get into the project you're working on it could be fun Make that your intention because it looks like you could get a great opportunity to advance in your career very soon Others are watching to see whether or not you whistle while you work CANCER (June 22-July 22) Today is a 6 Today looks good for love and romance You could end up making a big commitment even if you didn't think you were ready yet got a nice grand trine in water signs which will enhance your intuition especially in romantic situations LEO (July 23-Aug 22) Today is a 6 You need to be working hard saving your money and planning what you're going to build next Something solid stable and dependable is highly recommended Leo is the sign of children and you may have a little difficulty DEAR ABBY appears daily In Scene COMICS I ZlGGY Doonesbury Pete is stricken by a sudden attack nt wimltlash i.