The Charlotte Observer from Charlotte, North Carolina • 20

28 THE CHARLOTTE OBSERVER Thursday January 16 1986 Teens: Head Strong And College Wednesday was a big day for high school seniors And their parents Jan 15 was application deadline for many colleges and universi- ties All the blanks had to be filled out the fees paid the references sent in the transcripts filed the in- terviews corn- Ina pletecl HUghS If you don't have a col- intimmummagams lege-bound teenager at your house count your blessings And your money College applications like college tuitions aren't what they used to be I haven't decided if you get more for your money these days or not I'll let you know in four years Or six Or Oh Lord I just counted up We'll have a child in college sometimes two for the next nine years If it takes them as long to do their classwork assignments asit took at least one of them to get the college applications finished it may be more years than that First they must decide where to Daughter's Alarming By MARGUERITE SHEARER And MARSHALL SHEARER Knight-Ridder NOWIPIPOTS Yesterday I found a packet of oral contraceptives in my I7-yearold daughter's room I am shocked We have a good relationship and she always has been open with us What should I do? I feel like screaming yet another part of me says Ignore it Are they safe for her? Please help me A The birth control pill is not as safe as sexual abstinence However she is at less risk on an oral contraceptive than she is with an active sex life and no contraceptive This statement applies up to age 35 for smokers and to age 40 for nonsmokers There are a number of factors that would influence your course of action with your daughter One is how you and your husband feel about the situation and your beliefs As a person grows into adulthood the confidential bond with pi-rents is naturally weakened especially in sexual matters Sex is a private activity We suggest you first talk with your husband or if your daughter's father is out of the picture with a neutral person to help you clarify your thinking Have you (or your husband) been sending any covert or double messages that you wish her to be sexually active at this age? Do either of you get any vicarious enjoyment from her relationships with males? Look at how you found the pills Did she set it up for you to find them or were you looking in places you don't usually look? Was it truly an accidental discovery? If the best guess is that you were snooping then why? If you feel she wanted you to look there and wanted you to find the pill package then by all means talk to her Not to do so under these circumstances is to send the message that you condone her sexual activity when she is asking you to intervene If she is asking you to intervene it is time to set some limits or at least to discuss the subject with her Try to find out her concerns Be curious not judgmental Did she think you didn't care? Does she want an earlier curfew to reduce the opportunity in a developing relationship with a male? Is she being pressured by female peers to join in? It takes a lot of courage for a teen to stand up to peers and say "That is not for me now" If she needs to hide behind parents then be there to shield her Let her know you will act as that kind of shield anytime Your talks with her will to a large part depend on your prior talks about dating and her sexuality Generally we recommend three messages The first is "Your sexuality is yours As parents our job is to give you the protection you need while you learn how to deal with your sexuality just as we did until you learned to cross the street by yourself" Second give her guidelines about how you and your husband think the long-range use of sexuality can be related to long-range happiness Reconfirm that sex is most enjoyable for most people when linked with love and intimacy Explain that if a male doesn't respect her standards he doesn't respect her and the relationship won't last Third we suggest a dating teen set behavior standards away from the emotion of any moment then monitor the behavior not the feelings Within that behavior limit (necking for example) let your feelings go but control your behavior If you do this it is highly unlikelyour feelings will apply Never teach your children to "think big" or that they can be and do anything in this world they set their mind to It backfires When college application time comes there's always one who wants to go to the University of Snowshoe and major in moguls Or one who expects Oxford or Cambridge to understand that his Spanish teacher was a nerd Application time is when we all learn that the sky does have a limit For example forking out more than $15000 a year for a college education is above the skyline for most parents I know Here are some tips for parents who might have to go through this application thing in the near future I pass these along not because I am so good at it but because I have kids who are willing to tell me just how bad I am at it and exactly where I made all my mistakes I Don't expect them to show any great enthusiasm for the colleges you or their teachers think they would like If they decide to take your advice they'll keep it a secret until the last moment sneaking out in the wee hours to drop those applications in a mailbox two blocks away You'll not know about it until Just before midnight on Jan 14 when you make one last whining plea "Why don't you Just apply?" Use Of Pill To Parent You Asked I determine your behavior In a way you may regret afterward Lastly we would acknowledge that she is showing sexual responsibility by getting an effective contraceptive if she Is going to be sexually active There is not room in this column for background on the factors that have are and will change society's view of teen and unmarried sex In our opinion some of these factors will take two more generations to sort out The Shearers answer questions of general interest He is a psychiatrist and she is a psychologist Write them in care of The Charlotte Observer Box 32188 Charlotte NC 28232 Hankins Whittington Funeral Service 1111 East Blvd (704) 333-6116 1 4 Serving '1 Families Si 1 nce A 1946 Jooeph Miller the language of the universe or that the most memorable summer of their lives was spent on a family trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and that their favorite American author is either Emily Dickinson or Stephen King they can't decide which fact-of-life talk Not about the birds and the bees But that college Is an adventure either up the river or down the river Their choice And not only must they paddle their own canoe from now on but in four years they'll be expected to buy it ICE SKATING LESSONS LeSITI To Ice Skate The Easy Way For A Lifetime Of Fun Pleasure In Comfortable Supervised Surroundings ENROLL 4 SPECIAL THIS MONTH ONLY NOW! 1 3 WEEK BEGINNER CLASSES a (SKATE KRIM INCLUDtD) UP Vt Amdes alatetf Eastland Mall "Ilw Ph 568-0772 PUBLIC ICE SKATING EVERYDAY! VISA MASTERCARD ACCEPTED By Popular Demand We Again Offer Our 5a1utou3 5ahei At 30 off Additional beautiful jackets have been added to our stock for your selection Mink autumn haze and ranch also the popular lynx at this great savings! q11010 Eastland And they'll say nonchalantly -I did Two weeks ago Stop nagging at me all the time" Don't give them any advice Don't remind them of the deadlines Don't ask if you can proofread the application If they can't spell oceanography even though they're thinking of majoring in it the college needs to know If they put down that you graduated from college in 1863 what difference does it make? Don't read their essay even if you can find it in the mess of catalogues balled up pieces of paper and tape cassettes on their desk Or bed Or in front of the TV Or wherever they set up camp And if you do read it don't let one ounce of shock register on your face when you get to the part that says they love Shakespeare and always thought physics was Tholusandsfilmile a td shons sportswear Coordinates Mix 'n Match jeans Cords Blouses Skids MARKDOW Reg la 1- rice About the only thing you can do is pray But don't make it part of the blessing before meals Let them know as gently and lovingly as possible which isn't very that when they get to college potential is bull puckey if it isn't used and that as far as you know no one has ever been awarded a degree in capability Last but alas truest of all point out that from now on life is a do-it-yourself project No excuses from home No father giving up Monday Night Football to call out Roman numerals or type term papers No Mom who can be sweet-talked into going to the library to check out books for the bibliography Now that the applications are In as rough as that all was it's only the beginning It might be time to sit down and have one last 4736 SOUTH BLVD (704) 527-8824 STORE HRS: Mon-Sat 9:30 pm Sun 12-6 (Hechinger TJ MEOCX Shopping Center) ound Tops Slacks ALL SIZES ALL CATEGORIES ALWAYS 1st QUALITY! Mkkey Odom OR UP TO 500 CASH BACK A WORKING WOMAN'S UN-BEATABLE VALUE 1986 HORIZON Low pwrcima pnce EcortonwEal le potato tumunoton Frootwtwel DrIvw 3 Vow cw 30003 wwli worm OUR E0 cAnscomort THE OEM: MANNY MAN MINN MONEY OACNOWANT ARE NO TEEMED RING PACK FOR 4 ME ON -0 101e 431s Welt Blvd 35 4310 CHRYSLEtti EEE 25-50 OFF Special Rack of Dresses '50 In appreciation of our valued customers each store will be giving away a $5000 gift certificate every month On December 1 1986 all customers that have registered will have a chance to win a $0000 gift certificate! It's our way of saying "Thank You!" Matthews NC Pineville NC intersection of Hwy 51 74 8500 Pineville-Matthews Rd Next to Fireside Restaurant Next to Darres 1795 847-3330 541-1381 Park Rd Shopping Center Charlotte 623-6212 Mon-Fri 10 pm Sat 411 6 pm 0 5 cd)coDa PT 0 0 11-oloor Choose From Brands 111(e Aigner Andiarno 9 West De)der Bass Bed Coss SOW And Many Morel VAundreds 1-kundreds in stool( nowl lastridgo Mall Gastonia 8672276 Mom Sat 10 pm SIZES FOR LEBO! 0 OUTLET SQUARE Independence Blvd at Klett Drive Charlotte NC (704) 335-0568 I 1 gc 1 28 THE CHARLOTTE OBSERVER Thursday January 16 1986 1111 A nclielko fitly Teens: Head Strong And College I ound 7-9-1 II ta4 el 1 401 cerl I A we Wednesday was a big day for apply Never teach your children And they'll say nonchalantly "1 About the only thing you can 1 high school seniors And their par- to "think big" or that they can be did Two weeks ago Stop nagging do is pray But don't make it part A WORKING OMtill 0 eras and do anything in this world they at me all the time" of the blessing before meals 1 Jan 15 was set their mind to It backfires I Don't give them any advice Let them know as gently and 4 application When college application time Don't remind them of the dead- lovingly as possible which isn't deadline for comes there's always one who lines Don't ask if you can proof- very that when they get to 1 i many colleges -i-- 'K le wants to go to the University of read the application If they can't college potential is bull puckey if Mkkey Odom and universi- p- 404 Snowshoe and major in moguls Or spell oceanography even though it isn't used and that as far as you ties All the one who expects Oxford or Cam- they're thinking of majoring in it know no one has ever been blanks had to i 'N bridge to understand that his the college needs to know If they awarded a degree in capability 0 I 444 eltS 1986 HORIZON be filled out III Spanish teacher was a nerd put down that you graduated from Last but alas truest of all 5 0 v4-- 6290 the fees paid Application time is when we all college in 1863 what difference point out that from now on life is 0'4 Low Imime pnce V0 Econonowal IG the references learn that the sky does have a does it make? a do-it-yourself project No ex- OR UP TO tumunoton Intwoces sent in the limit For example forking out cuses from home No father giving 't hoot who' OrIvw Don't read their essay 4 500 CASH BACK View of 30000 owls transcripts more than $15000 a year for a even if you can find it in the mess up Monday Night Football to call filed the in- ues balled ieces of 4 college education is above the sky- out Roman numerals or type term sxm Ea colayman smE OEM: mmulor MAN et HPI MONEY ItoiCioCtutoutekrEE of cataog terviews com- line for most parents I know paper and tape cassettes on their papers No Mom who can be AMINO MINED- RING WM FOR 4 4 ME tIN pleted Hug hs Here are some tips for parents desk Or bed Or in front of the sweet-talked into going to the 11- Or wherever they set up 1th09 If you don't who might have to go through this TV check out books for the '4: IWO have a col- inmenoloommo application thing in the near fu- bibliography a camp And if you do read it don't CHRYSLER lege-bound hire I pass these along not be- let one ounce of shock register on Now that the applications are -0 teenager at your house count your cause I am so good at it but rfitiptojilli I your face when you get to the part In as rough as that all was it' blessings And your money because I have kids who are will- uluT) that says they love Shakespeare only the beginning It might be 'wiam 4315 indoP Blvd 354310 College applications like college ing to tell me just how bad I am at salon 7323 1 and always thought physics was time to sit down and have one last tuitions aren't what they used to it and exactly where I made all my the language of the universe or fact-of-life talk Not about the be I haven't decided if you get mistakes A that the most memorable summer birds and the bees But that college more for your money these days or Don't expect them to show of their lives was spent on a tam- is an adventure either up the river not I'll let you know in four years any great enthusiasm for the col- ily trip to the Metropolitan Mu- or down the river Their choice Or six Or leges you or their teachers think 6 seum of Art and that their favorite And not only must they paddle Oh Lord I just counted up they would like If they decide to American author is either Emily their own canoe from now on but air 1 atteg We'll have a child in college take your advice they'll keep it a Dickinson or Stephen King they in four years they'll be expected sometimes two for the next secret until the last moment can 't decide which to buy it nine years If it takes them as long sneaking out in the wee hours to to do their classwork assignments drop those applications in a mail- as-it took at least one of them to box two blocks away You'll not 50th Anniversary Sale ifo get the college applications fin- know about it until just before ii ished it may be more years than midnight on Jan 14 when you 16 801INCP8 LIFETIME i that make one last whining plea A474rA 25 4 -50 OFF First they must decide where to "Why don't you just apply?" ICE SKATING LESSONS Mk Learn To Ice Skate The Easy Way For A Lifetime Special Rack of Dresses s50 Fun Pleasure In Comfortable Supervised OSurroundings aughter Use Of Pill it'' ce Of ENROLL 11 SPECIAL THIS MONTI! OM In appreciation of our valued custom- NOW! WEEK BEGINNER I Re ers each store will be giving away a 13 SE I CBS $5000 ilt certificate every month Alarming To Parent 4t IR A (SKATE KRIM INCLUDtD) IL ILF On December 1 1986 aii customers that have registered will have a chance I 1 chateif Eastland Mall to win a p0000 gilt certificate! It's our By MARGUERITE SHEARER it I ng hank You' ay saying And MARSHALL SHEARER You Asked "IIPP Ph 568 sa 0772 Knight-Ridder NOWIPIPOTS 0 1 1 Yesterday I found a packet of LAeC" PUBLIC ICE SKATING EVERYDAY! oral contraceptives in my 17-year- VISA MASTERCARD ACCEPTED determine your behavior in a wa old daughter's room 1 am a you may regret afterward Free Parkin at Our Front Door shocked We have a good relation- Lastly we would acknowledge ship and she always has been open Matthews NC Pineville NC that she is showing sexual respon- -iret with us What should 1 do? I feel sibility by getting an effective con- 't' By Popul Next to Fireside Restaurant Next to Darres 1795 ar Demand Intersection of Hwy 51 74 8500 Pineville-Matthews 114 il like screaming yet another part of traceptive if she is going to be itet We Again Offer Our 847-3330 541-1381 me says ignore it Are they safe for sexually active There is not room el her? Please help me in this column for background on A The birth control pill is not as a the factors that have are and will safe as sexual abstinence How- change society's view of teen and -4N alu ou3 ahei ever she is at less risk on an oral me of these factors ke a unmarried sex In our opinion vi 000t1 IN i 11 t0 contraceptive than she is with an so will ta active sex life and no contracep- fi two more generations to sort out A 111 8i tive This statement applies up to it a E' age 35 for smokers and to age 40 At 30 Off oi The Shearers answer questions ti cyo la for nonsmokers 15) of general interest He is a psychia- There are a number of factors l''' (IL trist and she is a psychologist It that would influence your course 4' do Write them in care of The Char- '4" I 4" i 1 of action with your daughter One Additional beautiful ild 03 St 1 s4 lotte Observer Box 32188 Char- 140 is how you and your husband feel lotte NC 28232 jackets have been added to about the situation and your be- 4 1 till 3001 el As a person grows into adult- our stock for your seledion gl 9 00 11 tt hood the confidential bond with 1 a cl pi-rents is naturally weakened es- Hankins 11 ra Mink auumn haze and eo's 15)pf pecially in sexual matters Sex is a nch also the popular lynx 100 hoe (1 private activity We sugg Whittington est you ai ttington 4 at this great savings! 0 9 11 first talk with your husband or if 0 W1(0) your daughter's father is out of the 1 '4 ni picture with a neutral person to 41 Sf help you clarify your thinking Funeral Service 4tw 0 ci illium Mid (704) 333-6116 bi Have you (or your husband) I 'V tc been sending any covert or double 3 Serving ETD 6 es bti4 messages that you wish her to be 1 A sexually active at this ag? Do Families vami :1 477e 4 iVt go PAY tA 4 61 I cl (30 too 5 ands 1-11(e to either of you get any vicarious ---1-' 'ISInce 1 iisup rt ep ROM a wesi cc enjoyment from her relationships 01000-- 6 arno with males? 1111 th 1946 I i afitold3 nseS ptIgner I 'ass Bed '1' rr gt Look at how you found the pills JosePh Miner Eastland 0e)der INA anY Did she set it up for you to find them or were you looking in SelIDI dl edS 8' places you don't usually look? Was ai---aly k-kUn it truly an accidental discovery? If 11undreds A :411 I the best guess is that you were 1( ROW snooping then why? 0 stOO If you feel she wanted you to look there and wanted you to find the pill package then by all means I FE 0 talk to her Not to do so under GHOUSEISHOES these circumstances is to send the III 0 Pork Rd Shopping Confer lostridgo Moll message that you condone her sex- j111 ual activity when she is asking motor til 6 pm you to intervene If she is asking you to intervene it is time to set th some limits or at least subject with her to discuss 4 Koldillibl'sRaloc pm21s2at WIIINTERLFASH Try to find out her concerns Be 4 'ALL 'FALL EDA OAT IN 151ral curious not judgmental Did she think you didn't care? Does she 4 want an earlier curfew to reduce 1 i the opportunity in a developing I relationship with a male? Is she 4 Brand Name Fashions Iillev being pressured by female peers to INS 11 join in? It takes a lot of courage Thousands of Des' I 111 fIce for a teen to stand up to peers and I -111 "MR 'V er ma a 1 say That is not for me now" If she needs to hide behind parents a1C then be there to shield her 00 Let er Tops 00 know you will act as that kind of f9p pg 3o shield anytime OfeSSOS SPOrtSWeei Cowdinates Mix 'n Matcn'-' Siacks Your talks with her will to a 4 COrdS i large part depend on your pdor Sweaters eans ulouses Skids talks about dating and her sexualS 00 4 AlaVitloy- m' ARKDOWNa ow El ECT ve NO 0 VT clOtkc- ity Generally we recommend three messages 011 WO NIA- LN o'N tj ISIO1 41111111440' 1 IS MA otts The first is "Your sexuality Is egu a ow '11 Reg la li 6w t1 agi kirk Nski yours As parents our job is to tle rice 111101111 SO 99 bmepwz77te000000oNH give you the protection you need 0 V) Aga 47 I LS 1 Itir kl while you learn how to deal with iV 914 your sexuality just as we did until op (9 nos 10 i 00001749allr i 499 1 you learned to cross the street by yourself" 599 gp 99 446 099 Second give her guidelines ilb 09 h0 e--- I alt rn 0 1 rePt it6kl i ---t'''''" 1 4 about how you and your husband think the long-range use of sexual- ity can be related to long-range 1410E 0000k 4010110001 happiness Reconfirm that sex is SME Olt A a'VAIO most enjoyable for most people ALL SIZES a Si 0 0 '''e when linked with love and inti- macy Explain that if a male ALL CATEGORIES a a a ALWAYS 1st QUALITY! ITY! 1 e0 doesn't respect her standards he doesn't respect her and the rela- tionship won't last A Third we suggest a dating teen A 0 ID fp Vitt 111 i set behavior standards away from 4 el my the emotion of any moment fps10 i 1101:14 0610- then monitor the behavior not the 1 ic LARGE SIZES FOR LEBO! 0 i feelings Within that behavior 4736 SOUTH BLVD OUTLET SNARE limit (necking for example) let (704) 527-8824 Independence Blvd at Klatt Drive your feelings go but control your STORE HRS: Mon-Sat 9:30 pm Sun 12-6 iii3 1 Charlotte NC (704) 335-0568 behavior If you do this it is (Hechinger TJ MEOCX Shopping Center) highly unlikelyour feelings will A 1.