The Daily Breeze from Torrance, California • 86

A8 The Daily Breeze Sunday January 21 1990 Terrible self-image I had a terrible self-image I had no self-respect Rougeaux said I couldnt tell my parents because they would hate me They would say it was my fault By the time Rougeaux was 12 she had been molested at the preschool and sexually abused twice by neighbors I felt like I was supposed to get walked on she said looking down at her lap I felt like nothing At age 12 Rougeaux was using drugs and having sex with older boys She said she became such a behavior problem battling her mother whom she blamed for enrolling her at McMartin that her parents sent her to two boarding schools Rougeaux visited a number of therapists to control her rebelliousness But she always stopped short of telling them the truth I was afraid it was all going to come back and I really didnt want to remember she said She gazes at her 3-month-old daughter Caris-sa resting in a swing I have to remember for her Tears spill onto her cheeks when she talks about sending her daughter to a day-care center Bills are piling up I dont want what happened to me to happen to her Rougeaux hopes to graduate from Rancho Del Mar Continuation School She wants to become a lawyer specializing in child-abuse cases Ray didnt care about me He wanted to do what he wanted to do It was a spur-of-the-moment thing He may have forgotten Rougeaux said but I havent think its Ray When hes left alone he shuts the blinds Someone may be outside His mother says he was so scared that for six months he slept in a sleeping bag in the hallway outside their bedroom door Chris didnt believe it until his sister assured him it was true His freckled face flushes and he takes off his cap punching the inside The case hasnt affected me" he insisted Its not in my mind any more" She phoned the day after the verdict was announced Her voice quivered She says shes been crying for two days People need to know this happened They need to know its not a lie Her name is Megan Rougeaux she says Shes 19 and lives in Rancho Palos Verdes She didnt testify in the McMartin case Her mother phoned the District Attorneys Office when the case first broke but they told her that her daughter was too old to testify Throughout the case shes remained silent I woke up screaming again last night she said It was the same nightmare shes had since she was 3 She has to crawl over a naked woman to get to a bowl of candy She can never see the womans face My life has been ruined because of what happened to me at that school They robbed me of my childhood She says she was molested at the school when she was 3 She never told her story to anyone until she was 15 And then she suppressed it again until a few months ago when she started seeing a counselor When school starts each September the girl has a difficult time adjusting her mother says Shes nervous and doesnt trust the teacher or even other students It takes her several months to warm up Therapy over the past four years has eased her paranoia her mother says She used to be terrified to go into the bathroom afraid that someone would hurt her Now she can do such simple tasks alone Every once in a while there will be a period of normalcy But it end3 quickly when her mother overhears a conversation between brother and sister one of the few people her daughter will talk to Once her mother heard her explaining to her brother why she was drawing a felt-tip cross down a Cabbage Patch dolls belly and face: Thats how you cut up babies Another overheard conversation was a game of Lets Play House Lets pretend we have two babies and theyre both dead the girl told her brother The girl refuses to eat meat and once thought a baked chicken was a dead cat her mother said In the beginning her daughter had bloody stool She still suffers immobilizing stomach pains The girl skips back into the living room and without saying a word sits on the floor and crafts a spin-art picture She shows her finished product splashes of red and yellow to her mother who gives her a hug I dont really know what shes thinking her teary-eyed mother says once her daughter has left the room I dont suppose Ill ever know Chris a husky boy with chubby cheeks curls up on an overstuffed chair and fiddles with his St Louis Cardinals ball cap His doe -shaped eyes look sleepy Its been a long day Chris and several' other children involved in the McMartin case had been in the overflow courtroom Thursday at the Criminal Courts Building in Los Angeles He was there when the clerk declared that the man he accused of molesting him was found not guilty My friend Grant cried he says in a monotone voice But I didnt Ive blocked it out so much no matter what happened it didnt matter Hes not angry or sad Im nothing Chris says its been seven years since he was molested Hes been through one-on-one therapy group therapy He knew what sodomy and oral copulation meant before he was in the first grade Nothing he says fazes him Hes not afraid of adults Hes not afraid to go outside If a molester ever tries to get him he said he would kill him Nothing is different about me Nothing he says His mother reminds him of an incident last September when he was briefly separated from his parents at the Los Angeles County Fair He was hysterical It was a song a fairground version of Hokey Pokey that panicked him He concedes he thought something was going to happen to him Stuff just flooded back into me he says I always have a feeling someones watching me I Pain FROM PAGE A 1 sometimes unfair system that confuses even hard-boiled adults For six years their world was police investigators therapists lawyers and reporters Now they do their best to forget or remember or a little of both The blond eighth-grader who like other alleged victims asked that his name not be published says he doesnt think about about McMartin much anymore He says he doesnt let it interfere with his life Trying to forget It happened and Im glad I remembered it but now Im trying to forget it he said I just want to have a normal life The straight-A student would rather think about basketball or soccer He dreams of becoming a professional athlete or psychiatrist the latter so I can help other kids Some of his friends know hes a McMartin preschool child But we never talk about it Its not one of those things guys talk about he said The boy whose parents are listening to the conversation says hes had nightmares that Ray Buckey gets off free and comes to his two-story Hermosa Beach house and tries to stab him I dont think hell come after me Would he look me up in the phone book? he said his steady voice now rapid He wont get me He wont get me? Dont you think hell move out of the country? he asks his parents who assure their son he is safe He appears less than convinced Every time I see him he said Ill know hes a liar But like I said I dont think hes going to back up his threats Hes not going to get me Several blocks away a freckled-face 8-year-old girl in an oversized sweat shirt and shiny pink Spandex pants sprints across the living room She notices a stranger and stops The girl a third-grader at a local school is an elective mute her mother says Since McMartin she rarely speaks to her mother much less strangers Instead she communicates with her eyes and smile which can quickly turn as steely as that of a cynical adult When asked about an encounter with former McMartin teacher Betty Raidor three weeks ago in a Hermosa Beach supermarket her eyes widened She starts biting her nails When corrected she tugs on her pant leg ripping apart a seam What did you do when you saw Mrs Raidor? she was asked The girl stared at the floor and said nothing She ran out of the supermarket her mother said I would have stood up to her but my daughter just freaked out She said the blond pony-tailed child was molested when she was 2Vt years old Doctors found scaring like an episiotomy and moon-shaped cuts outside her vagina Internalized fears -The girl internalized her fears Only last year her mother said did she begin to talk Teachers used to get mad at her for not talking in class until I explained what happened she said LEARN ABOUT LIVING TRUSTS FOR BOTH COUPLES SINGLE PEOPLE You Cant Avoid Taxes! 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