Tyler Morning Telegraph from Tyler, Texas • 55

ft 3E FRIDAY MAY 26 2006 Ty ler Morning Telegraph Sports Fans: Knowing The Words Is Knowing The Game Night -js- V) Perry foul away from the bOll-This 4s sometimes known as a phantom foul often called when a Mavericks player moves within three feet 'bf Steve Nash the two-time reigning MVP Holding on the Copvboys: A referees whistle has blown for inexplicable reasons 'but the penalty is guaranteed to coifnt against Dallas That the Cowboys are a football team is irrelevant the rule applies to the Mavericks Stars and Rangers with equal veracity Tinkertoy: Suns power forward Shawn Marion Wudgit wudgit jibbit A player from the preferred team has launched a beautiful-looking shot which rattles around the rim and bounces out Wudgit wudgit jibbit A player from the preferred team has launched a beautiful-looking shot that takes at least two heartbreaking bounces before going in the cylinder Inappropriate clutching of those around you follows Thleeeaaaauuggh uh The preferred team has eked out a slim hard-fought victory and everyone in the room must repair his frayed nerve endings Its Miller time Well at least I never liked wrestling Or NASCAR But I cant make any promises about curling -AP Photo OPEN MOUTH THEN WALLET Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has been known to pay plenty for his comments during the NBA playoffs jam an sports fan I Remember derided for being caught oii camera by one of the total TV stations' clutching a Heineken itpwer of power (visibjylit least his seventh) teijod I to explosive punctuated by Rigl) there! as he watched th epic Rose Btwl battfe back in January? 1 have become that guy- Basketball is my game so the post-season hunt for the NBA title represents the time of year when I devolve into a Neanderthal whose mood the following day is adversely affected by the fortunes of his favorite team I hate myself for it but I Was bom in the Metroplex and harbor an unhealthy affinity for the Dallas hlavericks even in years wbHtj met an 11-71 record NpN oc Cubaif retooled squad pi atxjdstent winner (with a propensity td blow it in the fourth quarter piy fatnplis perpetually at a rolling Wit That'S especially disturbing because Ive been sober throughout most of these NBA playoffs Our cross-dressing medical writer (not Rhiannon the other one) accused me of shirking my responsibility as entertainment editor in recent days Maybe hes right I spent Monday night immersed in the soul-rattling melodrama of game seven in the Dallas Mavericks-San Antonio Spurs showdown rather than watching Oprahs "Legends Ball But cultish fawning no longer holds the appeal it did when I was 8 School is letting out the local theater venues have wound down their seasons concert tours are moving out to larger markets for the summer Blockbuster season at the movies hasn't been sufficient to fix- Up All Jon ate me Mission: Impossible III rocked but is quickly getting lost in the release-date crush "Poseidon sank The Da Vinci Code ate if Hard The Texas Shakespeare Festival and the Tyler Museum of Arts enormous Saint Johns Bible exhibition are bound to divide my attention for the next several weeks and trust me I cant wait But for now NBA playoff basketball is the zenith of entertainment in my life and the most captivating experience 1 can recommend But the experience can be bewil- dering for the non-fan with the ritual resembling nothing so much as a backward leap on the evolutionary scale So its time for our seasonal rundown of sports-specific terminology terms youre likely to overhear should ypu wander into any home office or establishment where fans are gathered around the tube for the NBA Western Conference Finals Note: Multiple expletives generally are inserted either preceding or within the phrases below Derelict: A player from the preferred team who misses a free throw when the score is close Worthless piece of A player from the opposing team (typically Steve Nash or Manu Ginobli for Mavericks fans) who makes a free throw when the score is close Roach: Mavericks coach Avery Johnson Not so hot now is he? An invective hurled at female fans whenever Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash of whom the ladies are inordinately fond makes a bonehead play (which is regrettably rare) The prospect of future mating is irrelevant when a game is on the line Aspersions or speculations Steve Nash passes Tiim the ball out of a double team) Do something resembling The preferred team has failed to capitalize on at least its third consecutive opportunity to score Your mama got a loose ball foul: A player from the preferred team has been called for a personal on sexual orientation: A player from the designated nemesis is celebrating after a spectacular play The slur is used most prolificaJly when said play bumps the nemesis into the lead or the preferred team is clinging precariously to a thin margin (For the record the Suns organization distributes orange towels to its players) Woogedy boogedy A player (either team) comes precariously close to losing the ball out of bounds Get the checkbook: Mavericks owner Mark Cuban whose lips are remarkably easy to read on television has made a disparaging public comment about the officiating Get the juh juh juh The score is tied or painfully close time is running out and a player from the designated nemesis has made a wide-open three-point field goal (typically after Gable Nielsen Ratings t- "I spent everything you gave me" The late humor columnist Erma Bombeck was once asked in a television talk show interview if she saved any ideas so that she would be assured of at least one strong column a week Her vintage reply is instructive: "I don't save anything My pockets are empty at the end of the week So is my refrigerator So is my gas tank So is my file of 'ideas' I trot out the best I've got and come the next week I bargain whimper make promises cower and throw myself on the mercy of the Almighty for just 'three more columns' in exchange for cleaning my oven I didn't get to this point overnight 1 came from a family of savers who were sired by poverty raised in the Depression and worshipped at the altar of self-denial "Throughout the years I've seen a fair number of my family who have died leaving candles that have never been lit appliances that never got out of the box and new sofas shrouded in chenille bedspreads I always had a dream that when I am asked to give an accounting of my life to a higher court it will go thusly: 'So empty your pockets What have you got left of your life? Any dreams that were unfulfilled? Any unused talent that we gave you when you were bom? Any unpaid compliments or bits of love that you haven't spread And I will answer 'I've nothing to return I spent everything you gave me'" Join us downtown Sunday at Tyler's first church as we reflect in the traditional services on Putting Our House in Order from John 10:1 1-18 Marvin United Methodist Church 300 Emin '903-592-7396 Sunday School 9:45 am Traditional Worship 8:30 10:55 am Contemporary Worship 845 11:00 am Telecast CBS 19 10:30 am Pastor Mike Dent wwwmamnumccom lion homes 477 million viewers 8 NBA Playoffs: LA Clippers vs Phoenix (Tuesday 9:46 pm) TNT 343 million homes 436 million viewers 9 NBA Playoffs: Detroit vs Cleveland (Friday 6 pm) ESPN 342 million homes 447 million viewers 10 NBA Playoffs: Cleveland vs Detroit (Wednesday 6 pm) TNT 333 million homes 439 million viewers 11 Fairly Odd Parents (Saturday 9 am) Nickelodeon 323 million homes 434 million viewers 12 Fairly Odd Parents (Sunday 9 am) Nickelodeon 322 million homes 45 million viewers 13 NBA Playoffs: New Jersey vs Miami (Tuesday pm) TNT 32 million homes 404 million viewers 14 NBA Playoffs: Detroit vs Cleveland (Monday 6 pm) TNT 317 million homes 424 million viewers 15 Major League Baseball: NY Yunkees vs NY Mets (Sunday 7 pm) ESPN 316 million homes 41 1 million viewers By The Associated Press Rankings for the top 15 programs on cable networks as compiled by Nielsen Media Research for thp week of May 15-21 Day and start time are in parentheses 1 The Sopranos (Sunday 8:06 pm) HBO 53 million homes 8 1 8 million viewers 2 NBA Playoffs: San Antonio vs Dallas (Friday 8:50 pm) ESPN 425 million homes 559 million viewers 3 NBA Playoffs: Dallas vs Sarv Aiionio (Wednes- day 8:50 pm) TNT 414 million homes 542 million viewers 4 WWE Raw" (fpnday9 R-pi) USA 369 million homes milhoa viewefi 5 NBA PkfvofTs: Sin Ant op k) js! Dallas (Monday 8:48 pm)TNjT 358 milhoh homes 46 million viewers 6 Movie: Fairy Idol (Friday 7 pm) Nickelodeon 353 million homes 503 million viewers 7 "WWE Raw (Monday 8 pm) USA 346 mil.