The Province from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada • 14

Th Province Sunday, December 14, 1997 A14 ma Bob Stall ipfe 11 0J1 uulq mm If i 5 1 Yes, there is a Magic Christmas. And, yes, it is for luckless kids. And tix are free The female voice on the phone was quick, smooth and phoney, like a telemarketer reading from a script. The voice talked about this being the time of year when it is sad, so sad that among us there are poor people, needy families and children who have to do without. Without what? Without your money.

That's the bottom line of this script, the old script that ends with you at centre stage, featured as either the hero or SCAMS, Pages A28-29 villain of the piece, depending on whether you agree to send money to help poor little kids squeeze a few hours of happiness out of an upcoming bleak Saturday afternoon. Sir or madam, said the voice, please donate money to buy tickets for a child or two to attend a special show called Our Magic Christmas. It will feature a children's singer, a magician and a juggler. It will take place at Massey Theatre in New Westminster on Saturday, Dec. 20.

"Hey!" said one recipient of this phone call last week. "Stop right there! I happen to know those tickets are free." Click. The telephone scam-mer hung up instantly. Picking random numbers from the phone book, she'd had the bad luck to call the home of a local Christmas Bureau official who had a wad of these same tickets ready to distribute to underprivileged families. Our Magic Christmas is the brainchild of Diane Gane and Alida Ulinder, who persuaded their husbands and their companies GaneSlogocki Cosmetic Dentistry and Ulinder Rennie Project Marketing to put up the money for the hall and entertainers so the tickets are free.

It has snowballed from there. Now it's a full-blown show that will climax with a magician conjuring up Santa Claus, who will give 700 teddy bears to 700 children. Door prizes will include bicycles and a trip to Disneyland donated by New Westminster firefighters. Diane is seeking money for more door prizes. "I want to send a whole planeload of kids to Disneyland," she said.

You can donate cash for door prizes or obtain free tickets for needy children by calling Diane Gane at 531-2521. But beware the phone scammers trying to leech on to this party. Hang up and press Star 69. Unless the call is from the North Pole, phone the police. Staff photo by Rick Loughran Diane Gane, Mieko Rennie and Alida Ulinder with teddies they'll be handing out to kids at their brainchild Magic Christmas show, which has been set upon by scamming scum trying to hustle tickets.

Prefer wise guy to a decent joke? Then Bob's your uncle Tncle Bob! Uncle Bob!" they shouted. UThey always shout it twice because they know I would prefer to ignore them. But it's coming up on Christmas, when I am supposed to be nicer to children and family, so, exuding warmth and good cheer, I said, "What do you want?" "Tell us some jokes," they said. Somehow this has become an uncle thing. To my own kids, 1 am not the least bit funny.

But to my sisters' and brother's children, I am The Uncle Who Tells Jokes, many of them about parachutes. I would rather my nieces and nephews stop regarding me as their funny uncle and realize that in fact I am their very wise old uncle. "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. "You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

"Monday is an awful way to spend l7th of your life. "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. "Hard work pays off in the future.

Laziness pays off now. "Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back. "99 per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. "42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot. "No one is listening until you make a mistake.

"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view." At this point, the grave, solemn nods of my nieces and nephews became too enthusiastic. I said, "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." Bob Stall can be contacted by e-mail at bobstalldirect.ca, by voicemail at 605-2086 and by fax or letter at The Province. "No," 1 said, "No jokes. Instead I will give you words of wisdom." And so they gathered around, sweet little children, and turned their shiny, expectant faces up toward me. "If at first you don't succeed," I said, "then parachuting definitely isn't for you." They all nodded gravely, as they did after each and every one of the following paragraphs of wise words, which I didn't tell them I stole from the Internet with the help of Johnny Moore.

"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. "Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. "He who hesitates is probably right. 1.