The Vancouver Sun from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada • 26

TEEN BRAIN B7 ANN LANDERS B8 FAMILY EDITOR VALERIE CASSELTON 605-2125 FAX 605-2521 The Vancouver Sun FRIDAY, JULY 10, 1998 B6 Adopting a baby: Lori Fung's toughest test Q. and A. on adoptions in B.C. It shocked Olympic gold medal winner Lori Fung Methorst and her husband Dean when a birth mother reclaimed their adopted baby. Today, amid changing adoption laws, the couple has a new son, also adopted.

Some questions and answers about adoption in British Columbia: i mm A 1 "-5 1 REBECCA WIGOD VANCOUVER SUN Lori Fung Methorst is talking to the seven-month-old baby boy who is watching her intently as she makes blackcurrant tea. Leaning over the chubby infant, she brings her face close to his. "I'd give up my gold medal in a minute for you, yes I would," she says rapturously. It was 14 years ago that this south Vancouver wife, athletic coach and businesswoman then known simply as Lori Fung won Olympic gold for Canada in rhythmic gymnastics. Besting her peers at 21 in the sporting world's highest forum took grit and determination.

But she says adopting a baby, as she and husband Dean Methorst did recently, was a tougher test of mettle. Sitting beside Dean on their black sofa as he cradles baby Alexander, she says: "It's sort of been a real roller-coaster. There's been really, really wonderful things and really, really low points for us." She is 35 and, with a partner, owns Club Elite Rhythmics, where 150 girls Who can apply to adopt a child? One adult, or two adults together, regardless of their marital status. Where can I apply to adopt a child? Through the ministry for children and families and through adoption agencies. A list of agencies is available from your local ministry office.

Is there a cost involved? Yes. Costs can vary by agency. A home study is compulsory and costs $1,750, plus several additional fees. If I adopt a child, how will I know if there is a family medical history that may affect his or her health? The Adoption Act recognizes the importance of preserving both medical and family information about the birth parents. They are asked to put this information in writing.

It is shared with the adoptive parents before the child is placed with them. What is the birth fathers' registry? How do I register? If you believe you are the father of a child who may be placed for adoption, you can put your name on the birth fathers' registry and be notified of the proposed adoption. Application forms are available from the ministry and adoption agencies. There is no charge. The information you give to the registry can only be used for purposes under the Adoption Act.

Can I get information about, or have contact with, my child after he or she is placed for adoption? Once you have consented to an adoption, you can make an openness agreement with the adoptive parents, setting out the kind of contact each of you would like and how often it will take place. Source: Adoption newsletters from B.C. 's children and families ministry -iff fc I I A "It is learn rhythmic gymnastics, about 20 of them competing at the national level. Methorst is 29, a former junior hockey player and a financial adviser with Investors Group. They married in December 1996.

They wanted to raise children and hoped to adopt them. Lori has known for years that she has an underdeveloped uterus and so cannot have children of her own. A baby girl was placed with the couple in February 1997, and they and their families and friends rejoiced. But within days the birth parents changed their minds and took the baby back. Under British Columbia's adoption law, birth mothers may revoke their consent to an adoption within 30 days of the child's birth.

Authorities on adoption believe that if birth parents receive adequate counselling, this provision will rarely be used. On Dec. 1 1997, after another birth mother had chosen them as adoptive parents, the Methorsts took newborn Alexander home from hospital. In November 1996, a comprehensive new adoption law was enacted in B.C., replacing a shorter and by then badly outdated law from 1957. Media reports concentrated on one dramatic feature of the law, the unsealing of adoption records.

This allows for reunions of grown adopted children and their birth parents, provided neither has filed a veto. Changes to the law that largely escaped public notice include the birth mother's right to revoke consent during her baby's first 30 days. Marg Harrington, senior adoption administrator with Family Services Adoption Agency in Vancouver, says the advantage of the provision is that "once the 30 days have passed, you have a very secure placement." On the other hand, among adoptive parents "there is some fear that they may have difficulty bonding with the child because they're holding themselves back. "I have to say," concedes Harrington, "everybody is awfully relieved when that 30-day period is up." However, "After placement, it the birth parent taking back the baby doesn't happen very often," says Bernadette Murphy of the ministry for children and families. Other significant features of the new law are that it allows adoption by IAN LINDSAYVancouver Sun AND BABY MAKES THREE: Gold medallist Lori Fung and husband Dean Methorst with their adopted son Alexander.

lights some little-known aspects of local infant adoption. For example, even though they were younger than most would-be adoptive parents and clearly had a great deal to offer a child, they felt powerless as various birth parents reviewed their home study. Lori found herself wondering: "What if they think I'm a real snob, a spoiled athlete? "So we just said, we're going to put in everything and if someone doesn't like it, they're not going to like it." The circumstances of their first, failed adoption were that they heard, at a party, of a young pregnant woman who was considering placing her baby with adoptive parents. The young woman and her partner registered with a Kelowna adoption agency and, after reading the Methorsts' home study, chose them as adoptive parents in January 1997. The two couples met three times in the presence of social workers.

The little girl was born Feb. 12, 1997. After a few days they came and placed the baby here," she says, indicating her neat-as-a-pin townhouse. "It was really sad for them. We all cried," Lori recalls.

On Feb. 21, 1997, Lori's 34th birthday, she and Dean learned that the birth mother had changed her mind. SEE ADOPTION, B7 thrust of the new law is that it enshrines openness. Before, openness existed in practice but not on paper. "There aren't any more closed adoptions," Lathrop says, "because, at a bare minimum, the birth mother has the family's home study the report social workers prepare, describing would-be adoptive parents and the adoptive family has all of the birth family's medical and social history.

"The legislation allows for much more choice birth parents choosing the adoptive parents. It's common for the birth mother to want to meet with the adoptive parents," Lathrop says. same-sex couples, doesn't set an upper age limit for adoptive parents, regulates private adoption through the creation of licensed agencies, gives birth parents more choices, seeks more involvement from birth fathers, and considers the views of children to be adopted if they are seven or older. Helen Mark, of the Adoptive Parents Association of B.C., says that generally, people like the new law, which is seen as "the most progressive act in North America." Ellie Lathrop, the social worker who did the follow-up work on the Fung Methorst adoption, says the main Adoption peaked in B.C. in 1970, when about 2,000 placements occurred.

Today, now that cultural shaming no longer hounds young, unattached mothers into giving up their babies, there are far more applicants to adopt than there are available children. Fewer than 500 adoptions a year take place in B.C. now. Most are adoptions of older, special-needs children and infants from other countries. Fewer than 150 local infant adoptions, like the Methorsts', take place each year.

Lori and Dean's experience high- Marriage threatened when expectations clash The Situation The Solution Can this marriage be saved? 6 "Loretta still sees her husband the way he used to be, and she has high expectations for what he owes her as part of their marriage contract," explains counsellor Joan D. Atwood. "Chuck is understandably wounded by her inability to acknowledge how much he has changed and grown yet he harbours the expectation that she should continue to play Wendy to his Peter Pan." When marital expectations clash, the stage is set for mutual dissatisfaction, tension and, if each partner hasn't learned to rein in the blame, never-ending arguments that can push you to the brink of divorce. Though many people think that "blowing off steam" is a good way to express anger, it often only leads to increased tension and resentment. If you act angrily, with a harsh, demanding voice and critical words, you put your marriage at risk.

When Chuck and Loretta learned to monitor their automatic reactions in the Loretta's Story: "The only reason we are finally in counselling is because our 16-year-old daughter, Jen, stormed out of the house recently and didn't return for two days," says Loretta, 36, in a frantic voice. "The first words out of Chuck's mouth were, 'Now see what you've Loretta recalled. "He kept saying "Jen is probably safe with that guy, This infuriated Loretta, who despises her daughter's boyfriend. "Jen came along right after we married, just after I'd finally been promoted at my job at the computer company. I think I resented her." When she suggested she put her new baby in day care, Chuck objected.

To Loretta, that's when it seemed as if she suddenly switched roles.from that of happy newlywed to trapped housewife. "I don't think a husband should be a good provider and nothing else. There's so much tension between us that Chuck is now saying he wants out," Loretta continues. Chuck's Story: Chuck, 36, has come to counselling grudgingly. "I'm tired of hearing that I'm such a louse," he says.

"Ever since I started dating Loretta, she has made it clear that I was never good enough for her or her family," he says. "And although I've tried to make a good life for us all I can proudly say that I own my own construction company and we're doing quite nicely she continues to hammer away about all the things I'm not doing. "I can never please her, so I've stopped trying," he adds. "I tune her out to avoid hearing the criticisms or the constant fights she has with Jennifer about her boyfriend who, by the way, isn't such a bad kid. Just because someone wears an earring and plays the guitar doesn't mean he's a bum.

But Loretta is too busy criticizing everything," he adds, "to take my opinion into account." heat of anger, the number of arguments lessened and so did the tension. Here are four things you should never say to one another. "You never help around the house." Any accusation using the word never or always is guaranteed to put your partner on the defensive. "You should have called if you were going to be late." You may be right, but you're saying it in a way that expresses only your criticism. Better: "I would really appreciate it if you "You're exactly like your father (or mother)." This is a hot button issue for most of us, and for someone like Chuck, who worked hard to improve his life and not be like his father, who worked odd hours as a mechanic and was never home, it's especially painful.

"Everybody agrees you never help me enough." Everybody? Did you take a poll? And if you really mean the friends or co-workers you may have confided in, you have betrayed your partner. LADIES' HOME JOURNAL LOS ANGELES TIMES SYNDICATE Though many think blowing off steam is important, marriage partners must learn to rein in the blame, or never-ending bitter arguments can push them to the brink of divorce. 13.