Logansport Pharos-Tribune from Logansport, Indiana on March 29, 1895 · Page 7
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Logansport Pharos-Tribune from Logansport, Indiana · Page 7

Logansport, Indiana
Issue Date:
Friday, March 29, 1895
Page 7
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Above here is no soap in the -world that stands «o high in the opinion of thoughtful Women as SANTA., , ClAUS SOAP For wasting clothe* or doing housework it can t be equall=d. Try it. Sold everywhere. Made only by The N. K. Fail-bank Company, - SENSITIVE ROYALTY. Till) Str»ns<i History nr n Clovor Frnncli TalliUnc- One of the most remarkable eases of "putting on 11 cup if it tits" is ull'ortlcd by the history of a certain picture, painted during the last years of the second French umpire, by the artist Schenck, which hu.s lately been bought by an American gentleman foraconsid- erablc sum. This picture wus shown at the Salon, the annual exhibition of the French painters. It represented simply a lot of donkeys deliberating gravely around table covered with a green cloth. It s a very clever and amusing picture, and took the public fancy. Princess j'lathilde, sister-in-law of the emperor, was pleased with it, and had made arrangements to buy it, when it was noised about that the painting was intended to satirize the privy council of the emperor. This stopped the sa:-e of it at once, either to the princess or to any other of the rich people of the time who were in sympathy with the court. After this tho picture went from pillar to post, and tinally brought up at a sale exhibition in Munich. Hero it was Been by the empress of Austria, who was so much pleased with It that she began negotiations for its purchase. At this stage of the proceedings, however, it was whispered to the empress that the canvas represented the royal council of Jlavaria! "In that case," said the empress, "I shall not buy it; I do not want any political pictures." It is uot known how many more royal councils the painting of tho donkeys •was takrn to represent; but after more than twenty-five years of vicissitudes it has come to America under tho name- of "Napoleon III.'s Privy Council." And here, of course, it can never bo taken for a satire of any American deliberative body!—Youth's Companion. Couldn't Stand It. "What seemed to be the objection to the minister?" "Well, he sermonized i.n private conversation and talked business in the pulpit."—Judge. • _ Tho Pennsylvania Station. |tfgnnsylvaniaLinB| Yrulns Kun by Control Tims AS FOLLOWS. ;ill. H.'iillJ'- 0 *"'!" Sund/ir THE SQUARER. He Supplies a Balm for Every Wound. intoxicated IIunb»mln Intrnnt tn lllro tb» Settlement of Tlielr Uometttlc i>lfli- cultloi—He I» Only »n Amateur a« Vet. Bradford nnd f.'olmnhus Hlchmoim & Cincinnati Tndlmmpol » 4 i i.uMll o... Uflner * Heorln (now train) Crown ' olnl it Culciuo Richmond & Ciiicinnu'l Crown Point * Chicago Mniitli'eilo A HTner Brtwiford A Columbus IndlaiiHpollM & L 'uLivilli'..., Richmond * Cincinnati Btartford «V Coluiiibus ; MonncflUo & Miner ChlOllBO,..:... KoK mr>* RleniiU'iKl Wlnamiie <ccomo<liitlon.. Mai loo AeoiniKlauon J. A, ilcCDLLOOOH, ..'12.-IO ft in • - -la A m ..•rJ -10 » in * - 45 a m ,.* i.on iv m * - 6* a tn »1L1 Wl u m • - la K m ..« i 55 a in *1~ Si11 m |'.+ 5 '1511 ni t H.I Op m ..-•tinou in 1 -7.25pm } 1 in a m !2-40pm .+ 7.5l>» ro • • h.2' p ra ..tRS> am 11,60 pin . K 45 p m * ti> p m ,.* 1 55 p m * 1.35 p m ..» 1 CO i> ni « 11» p in ..* i.flo u 711' l.'.'opm ..t 2.2' p m t 1.<5 a ra .• 1 80 p m * 1 45 p in * 1.5) p m »12.3n pm :;iOp m fll.nOiim •l.oOpmf r>.-lop in 5.a.i p in t!) '1C u ni ;, LoRunspurc. EAST BOUM». New York Express, liiillj... 1 -. — j- Vt Wajn- Ai-cm . .-xeepUSui.rtnY &-0 a m XIMI. City A ToL'llo L 'x., except bonil«y...n.05 u TO Atlantic Kxprvs*. dully • }f 5) ui Accommodation for EiiM 1-lJ P «i WKST BOUXP. Parlflc Express, f n'ly ?,?•••;" nl Ac«>mo<l»'lim for vsvst -!-•«' »' Knnss.- City IX, exifpt Sunday i.-JJ'P in Lnfiuettw Acoin.: cxoep'-soudny .?,-S', p m 8t . ouls Kx:. tliilLv lU.JUp m Bel River DIv,, Logansport, West Side- Between Logansport and emu. KANT BIVCXII. n, leave cytirpt Sunday 9.55 a m WKST BOCXI*. . AocommoUatlon, arrive except aunday..._.3.00 a m i« ** ** ' . t> ...4.00 H ID C. K. XKWEl-t. Agent. VAN DAL! A LINE. Triilns FOB THK SOBTII^ Nit's; >"orSt. Joseph - —,-I-T- - — N(V*» for St. Joseph — ~ -* !>•«> P ni FOR THE SOUTH, No. 51 Tor Terr* Hauw *J *J» m . Na BSTor Terra Hauw ~ ~ -.150 p ro c •H«lly. i-xwpt S>mdaj. .'. lor romplrte time card, itlfinz all • trains uid itaOrHiR, »no lor lull Information at .to ntM Uifafkw*.«tc, ICOPTllIGHT, 1695.1 Y n fortunate provision of nature n balm is supplied for every wound, an u n t i d o t u for every poison, and, as the march of time adds to the existing- coroplica- _ t ions of life's new dilemmas, so does nature at the same timo offer new ways of avoiding them. The Squarer is by no means a modern product. He has existed, in a primitive form, it is true, at all times and in every clime, but it is doubtful if ho ever reached such a. hiffh state of development as in the present period where his services are in almost constant demand. I take it for grunted thqt most of my readers know what I mean when I spenk of a Squarer, and indeed there are inanv Lappy households in which he is a familiar figure, but for the sake of the few who have never been brought in direct contact with this unique and useful character I will state that the Squarer is the hig-hmindcd philanthropist whose sole-mission in life is to succor those unfortunates who, having pledged the wine cup with convivial spirits until an unearthly hour in the morning:, are afraid to go home unless accompanied by some diplomatic friend who can by sheer force of tact, good humor and adroitness restore them partially to,thc place which they ought to occupy as the_ heads of their respective households—iu short to "square them" with their wives. The difficulties and clangers which beset tbe Squarer in the performance of his self-imposed duties are apparent "I WANT YOU TO SQUARE IT WITH MY Tho professional Square* will proba- blv sleep like a fireman, with a "tuni- ouV beside his bed. and slide down a prised-pole in his anxiety to admit the eallffr who requires-his services. Perhaps the competition will be so sharp that other squarurs will attempt to wrest his client from his irrasn. and lam positi.-e that each clk-nt v.-ill be provided with a comfortahio boil and the very best of attendance. JSVvor- thelcss. the squaring that will be ae- oomplishcd by the fL-c-sc-L-liiiifr professional, aided though he be l>y the u^ost, inaehinery and a coru'plete system o± electric siffiials, will no more t-oinpare ,he loving work of the to everyone of the slightest experience in life and its vicissitudes, and the fact that his labor is never done for him, and is invariably a matter of pure charity, redounds all the more to his credit. Mv own opinion is that a coming ccutury will sec the greater part of the domestic ^squaring'" intrusted to professionals, but at present it is oxclu sively an amateur calling, just as baseball was some years ago. And as tho amateur photographers arc said to surpass their professional brethren in artistic skill, so have the amateur squarers raised their delicate and humane art to a plane so hig-h that it will be difficult for any mere money grettinj professional to ever hope to rival them. They may, however, surpass the amateurs in the matter of mechanical appliances ani devices designed to facilitate their work, but of this I will speak later. . The Sqnarcr who follows his calling 1 for pure love of it is invariably a bachelor. living 1 in rooms which are in most cases on the ground floor, and invariably contain as a necessary article o: furniture an immense horsehair sofa or loung-c, soft enough to induce slumber and long and broad enough to accommodate the tallest and most corpulen^ inebriate that ever waked E friend from a sound sleep at half-past four in the morning by throwing snowballs against his window and begging to .be in results with the zealous amateur than that onion-scented abomination known as frieatelle will compare with good home-made corned beef hash. Nor will the sleep of honcat inebriety be any sweeter or more restful behind pink silk curtains and beneath an eider- Jown quilt than on the old horse-hair ioiinge with a cushion for a pillow and an old ulster carefully spread and tucked in by the Squaror for a covering. The Squarer is, as 1 have said before, a bachelor, and he always possesses a wide circle of friends of convivial tendencies who seem to have spme mysterious claim upon his services and are liable to call on him at any hour of the day or night—chiefly in the gray hours of "the early morning. As a general thinpr a Squarer remains single to the day of his death, partly because marriage would interfere seriously with the practice of the profession to which ho has given his life, and partly because of the mere fact of his being actively engaged in squaring serves to awaken a bitter prejudice against him and suspicion of his motives in the minds of the various wives, aunts, mother-in-law and other feminine relatives of the man whom he has befriended, I am positive that if any young woman were to receive marked attentions from a notori- out squarer every other woman would warn her against marrying a man of such dreadfully dissipated habits—"the one who kept your Uncle George out so late that dreadful night and had the impudence to come homo with him and stay to breakfast, too." I have often wondered why the Bible does not tell us precisely what language the wife of the man who fell among thieves addressed to the Good Samaritan when that ideal Squarer brought her husband home to Tier _in the early morning so many centuries ago. In order that my readers may gam some idea of the nature, extent and variety of the duties which tho Squarer performs as a matter of love and with a zeal akin to that with which a Rothschild enters upon a transaction in three per cent, bonds let us picture to ourselves a scene in the residential quarter of the town on a cold Sunday morning just as the dawn is beginning to streak the eastern horizon with streaks of pale, gray light. The figure of a man clad in pajamas may be seen peering cautiously out from behind thick curtains through the partially opened window of the room on" the ground floor. Two or three snowballs, hurled by a strong arm, are flattened against ttic panes of glass, and the gentleman who leans rather unsteadily on the fence railing holds another in his hand and is saying plaintively to the gentleman inside: "Yes, it's me, old man, and I want you to go home with me. and square it with my wife, i'ou've gottcr come! I tell you I das'scnt show up without you." Whereupon the pajarnacd one—who is none other than the Squarer himself —admits his unsteady friend to his room, puts him to bed on the horsehair lounge and then sits down to scrape the mud off his ulster and restore that much abused garment to something like its normal appearance. At nine o'clock the Squarer's client awakens, refreshed in body and mind, and clamors hoarsely for a cocktail, which he is apt to get if he insists upon it with sufficient obstinacy, although the Squarer will try to convince him that a little acid phosphate in a glass of water is much better for his health. Atteu o'clock they will start lor the home of the client, who generally lives at some distant point, like Harlem or Brooklyn. They will reach their destination "a short time before noon and their reception is sure to be chilly and discouraging. It is precisely at this moment that the Squarer begins to get in his really fine work in behalf of his unfortunate friend. On entering the house he places the object of his solicitude in a vertical position in an obscure corner of the hall and then proceeds to shake hands with every member of the family in turn, evincing at the same time the utmost cordiality and utterly ignoriu_ the cold looks of suspicion whiah will be directed toward him. The mother- in-law, it is true, will press forwari eagerly to return his salutation, but that w'ill b£ because she hopes to catch the odor of a cocktail on his breath. F-iilin"- in this, she will rcsums her customary attitude of frigid reserve. Sometimes she will go so far as to send the children upstairs.when the Squarer, whose heart is yearning for a little human tenderness ' and' sympathy, Bathers them about ais knee and tells them delightful fairy stories, in which difficult art he is absolutely without a master. He excels also in the kindred art of giving a connected, coherent and plausible account of the remarkable chain of circumstances- which brought his friend to his rooms and finally resulted in their joint appearance in-tho Brooklyn (or Harlem) home at such a very early hour in the day. It'is while the Squarer is telling his storv in the tones of 'srreat earnestness and sincerity to an audience or a:e sort doscrihecl in'the dramatic departments o? newspapers as "coldly critical." that his client first ventures into the parlor. No attentii>:i whau-vor is paid to him when hi'QlTi'rs to substantiate every detail of tin- narrative, ami i-vv:j the Sqnarer IHM!:S at him in a w::y that meant,: "Yi.iiM bettor stay ni the hall who-.-e 1 p'.u you until yv.'ro si-nt for. I've got alfl can' do to isaki' them swallow this .story we eookiM "P without having you come in a-i.l queor me right in the middle of it." •Vs a lauf.cr of fact, the olivnfs word carries no more weight with the domestic jury eonvi-ncd iu that parlor than that of a convicted murderer at the bar of justice. A great many accomplishments anu rare personal qualities cuter into the composition of the successful Squarer, and none of these is of greater importance than his ability to compel the family to believe at least half of the straight-forward, unvarnished and highly interesting account of IDS THE MAN WHO KEPT UNCLE GEOEGK OUT LATE. friend's adventures, which he tells in such a pleasant and confidential manner. Indeed, it may 'be truthfully said that that story is the very keystone of the article on which the future peace and happiness of the eonvivial client must rest. At the close of his narration signs of a slight thaw are usually visible in the home circle and the Squarer is likely to be asked to stay to dinner. This invitation he accepts with be coming humility and gratitude, sometimes throwing ont a remark about the loneliness of the bachelor's life and his great fondness for simple home cooking. It is absolutely essential to the success of the Squarer's undertaking that he should remain for dinner, if for nothing more thaii to do the carving. His client will, it is true, make one or two ineffectual efforts in that direction, but the other will quickly take the knife and fork oi't of his hands with a "here, old man, you'd better let THE BLOOD >s the source of • health. Take Hood's Sarsaparilla to keep it pure and rich. Be sure to get, HOOD'S SARSAPARILLA. LOOKS OF SUSPICION. 'me attend to that," and then will fol low an exhibition of expert meat slic ing which will go a long- way toward restoring the client to his rightfu status in the household. This is the critical point of the Squar- ers progress, for if he fails here all his previous good work will be undone. He must cjn-ve in such a way as to give everyone an apparent abundance and yet leave enough of the fowl or joint to make' glad the heart of the housewife as she calculates the number of breakfasts and luncheons that still remain on' the dish. Let him spill a single drop of gravy, on the tablecloth and his unfortunate client^will have all he can do to square his friend. It is customary in well-regulated fam- ilies'to have a pair of ducks for dinner on such occasions as this, and an accomplished squarer will display a degree of skill which can be likened only to that of a surgeon in tbe operating theater, cutting away delicate slices of the meat and leaving the bone as clean and white as a piece of celluloid. Unless the disgraced member of the household contrives to make some unfortunate "break"' during the meal the end of. the dinner will find everybody in a mach happier frame of mind than before, and unless the Squarer happens to possess musical accomplishments of some sort he will take a speedy departure. His client will probably weep over him and bs-g him to prolong his visit till the next day, but he will finally resist his importunities and depart after havinsr shaken hands all round with much cordiality and lively expressions of gratitude for the hospitality which has been extended to him. If "squaring should ever become one of the learned professions and cease to be the labor of love which it is now it Trill be found that the hired squarer will never acquire one-half the skill or perform his duties with nearly as much success as the distinguished amateur whom I have in my mind's eye as I ^^ : ._^! ES U FOKr> ' Flty tha Fbor Girl. May—Pamela has pretty hard luck. Eva—What, now? May—Her fiance has broken his right arm.—Brooklyn Life. SHORTLY before the death of .President Carnot, 31me. Carnot wrote a friend: "The Elysee is only a hostolry where one is mined before being bored jtfl death.", V', . •,;..• v-V: Castoria is Dr. Samuel Pitcher's prescription for In£xnt» and Children. It contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic substance. It is a harmless sabsUtut. for Paregoric, Drops, Soothing Syrups, and Castor Oil It is Pleasant. Its guarantee is thirty years' nso b. Millions of Mothers. Castoria destroys Worms andaUay. feverishness. Castoria prevents vomiting Sour Curd, cures Diarrhoea and Wind Colic. Castoria relieve, teething troubles, cures constipation and flatulency. Castoria assimilates the food, regulates tho Htomack and bowels, giving healthy and natural sleep. Co* toria is the Children's Panacca-the Mott^3 Friend. Castoria. "CMtorla la an excellent medicine for children. Motbers have repeatedly told moot its eood effect upon their children." * DR. Q. C. Oaooon, Lowell, Mass« Castoria is tne beit remedy for children oJ which I am acquainted. I hopo the day is not far distant when mothers willconsider the real interest of their children, and use Cnstoria Instead of the variousquack nostrums which are deBtrojing their loved ones, by forcing opium, morphine! soothing syrup and other hurtful .gents down their throats, thereby sending them to premature graves." ^^ Du. J. F, KmcmtLM, Conway, Ark. •' Castoria is so welSedtopteJ to children Hal I rccomuieuditossaijsriortoanyproacripttw la>o«utome." R . ^ Ancl!KB , M . D.. Ill So. Oxford St, Brooklyn, N. t "Our physician* in tbe children's deput- mrat bava spoken hiRbly of ibeir expoK- enco in their outsid* practice wiUi CustorU. oud alOiougb vr« only bave among our medical supplier what Is known as regular products, yet wo are free to confess tbat tte merits of Castori* has won u« to look wifc lavor upon it." UMTID HOSPITAL AND DISPICXSABT, Boston, UMK. SMITH, Pret., C. Bt .nr Ctmp**7> TI M«rr>y Ste~t. New YorkCit^ IN THE For Sale by W. fl. Porter. DEFIES THE KING." THEN APOL !S GREATER THAN ROYALTY ITSELF. ICYGLES ARE THE HIGHEST OF At! HIGH GRADES. Butt...Warranted Superior to any ;; I,-, tiie World lU-nttrdlfsnot Price Built. »nd piarantred by tbe Tn-llana BIcy<*£ Co., » Million l> Incorporation, wlinse OOMU « •.stood a> gold. Do lot buj » VfSeol until JOE ii'ave s"<>n Hie WAVERLEY. Catalogs Tree, fioed agents minted In everr town. ScorcHer211bs., $85 ., .--Indiana Bicycle Co., Indianapolis, Ind., U.b. A NOT MADE BY HUMAN HANDS. Pretty Fable Bopr»r<linc » Drinking Cup of Jlarrcloat \Vorlfro»n»liip. A drinkinpr horn of marvelous workmanship is one of the relics kept in the church at Oldenburg 1 . Germany, says the New York Commercial Advertiser. It is'known throughout Europe as "the horn of Oldenburg," and has a most wonderful history. According to the s-torv the (jrcat Otho of Oldenburg was out hunting and, becoming: exhausted from thirst and fatigue, sank upon the 'earth with the exclamation: "Oh,, God. would I had a cool drink!" The sound of his voice had scarcely died away among the trees of the forest when suddenly a beautiful maiden appeared before "him bearing a richly-carved drink- ia^ horn.'filled to overflowing with cool, sparkling 1 water. Otho was more captivated with the beauty of the horn than he was with that of his fair benefactress, and without even staying to sav "Thanks." turned and ran at the top of his speed, carrying the vessel with him. To save' himself' from tbe consequences of such a peculiar theft, Otho bestowed the horn upon the church., and to this day the story, as riven above, is told by the guides, who display the relic to the ~aze of cunoua visitors. Critical 1-oclc railed. The late Sherlock Holmes had a favorite.dictum: "Eliminate the impossible, and what is left, howeverim- probable. jmngt ^ the truth." TnM was not at all in accordance wiM me saying of Victor Dugo: "Nothing is so imminent as. the impossible. What must be alwavs foreseen is the unforeseen " Most of us A*l agree, from experience, with HugoTfether than wili. Holmes. The impossible docs not happen When "Mercy Philbrick's ChoicS* was published in the "No Name" scries. tbecritics were agreed that it seemec.- to be written by Helen Hunt Jaeuscm. But. as those who knew her love for . flowers and acquaintance with nature also pointed out, she could not be tbs. author, for there were several glansff mistakes in the naming and placing ol blossoms in the story. Vet, as wzt afterward disclosed, she did wntc. jt;ac all the theorizing went for nothing. MERCURIAL Poison results from Oleums! treaimcntof blood t«roWop by -which tlie system, is filled wltbDcrr.pTTanfc nntMsh aiiturcs—more to be dreaoca tnou U* in asbort while is in & worse con. RHEUMATISM of «nd seeing Joints make life miserable. K&& V •' a reliable can for mercurial rheumatism, "™ afford* relief even after i all else bug failed. Itii guaranteed purely;vegetable, and absolutely barmlcn; take no SOD- . ititnte. Send for our I trettiie on blood cud tkin di«eaj». -mailed Irce to any wldnB. SWOT BFBCUnC COJiPJUlY. AttaaUk Qtv.

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