The San Francisco Examiner from San Francisco, California • 66

SAN FRANCISCO EXAMINER I. 1995 C-19 giving Thnk to Beth Schierloh Lima, OH. Writ to Pluggr HI 5W lltk Ava. Port-nd. OH TTUX 1 9 CINTRA 4.

WILSON FEELS mm. I I II 111 IUUII (A WJSL on the hornlike dilemma of the standing opinion of "Little Elvis." Enjoy! Here's a Question for you, Oracle: If women have such a fine intuitive sense of balance and social priorities, why didn't Newt Gingrich's mom bury him in the city dump? Back when she could have nipped his horrid career in the bud? -ft. Dearest R.I.: Some people were pleased when Caligula became emperor of Rome, because the fact that he was shrieking around in a constant drag-orgy drinking narcotic mugs of ambrosia, randomly lopping off thousands of innocent body parts, forcing his army into crazed and pointless battle with the sea, and bisecting his sisterwife and eating her unborn baby raw, meant that eventually Rome would have to See the Light and return to the idea of a republic as opposed to a monarchy. Rome Didn't, and unfortunately things really haven't changed so much since the reign of Caligula. Still, Rome fell, and with any luck there will soon be some kind of Revolution which will prove to us once and for all that, for Menacing Homunculi like Gingrich, it's never too late to be Exposed at Birth.

Please assist The Oracle by sending your worldly travaiis to: CINTRA WILSON FEELS YOUR PAIN, San Francisco Examiner, P.O. Box 7260, San Francisco, CA 94120, or E-mail the Oracle at cintraxxxloue.com. swer, "I'm not." She replies, "What do you think your right hand is for?" This wasn't exactly romantic. The next week she tells me she's going cruising in some lesbian bars to pick up a chick and if I'm lucky she might feel like having a three-way. This wasn't too thrilling as my days of sex with more than one person at a time are over.

Anyway, every time I try to end it, "Little. Elvis" changes my mind. What can I do to end this vicious circle? About To Buy A Dog Collar. Dearest Dog Collar: Your letter should come as an enormous comfort to a vast number of women who habitually exchange sex in order to get some small degree of intimacy and fuzzy illusion of love. You obviounly have a creamy-whipped sap-filled emotional center that really just wants some old fashioned "luuuuuw" but you just aren't getting it Most men in your position would be blind with thankfulness and joy and hoist beer steins and dance like hind-legged dogs at the apparently convenient rooting you are getting on such a regular basis, but herein lies the crux of your problem: You don't want a Slurpee and two 99-cent hot dogs, you want Cabernet and oysters and long walks in the orange-lit woods and open white blouses with doily cuffs and zebra rugs and rose-covered Bed-and-Breakfast joints in Car-mel with black satin water beds and the arpeggio sound of gray waves breaking on the Rock corre sponding with your ardent attentions to a supine and inviting body that wouldn't MIND if you sawed away at it for 40 minutes.

I tend to think that you must be stalling for time if you're really going 40 minutes. You're trying to squeeze sangria from a blow-up doll and you perhaps think that if you pound it enough the right way it will magically cease to be hollow and contain something emotionally imbibable. Look not into it's yawning plastic mouth for tender words, nor at it's realistic eyes for nourishment of soul. Try not to confuse any aspect of your arrangement with "romance." "Little Elvis" may be single-mindedly perpetuating your liaison, but somewhere in the darkest recesses of your lonely heart you harbor the wild hope that Things Will Change, which they won't My advice is this. Next time she invites you over, be in a bad mood, watch some sports, blow your nose on your sleeve, don't bathe or shave beforehand, and give her a heartless 45-second quickie before falling completely asleep.

Wave her away like a pesky housefly and start a fight about how inconsiderate and unappreciative she is if she tries to wake you up and hustle you out of the house. My guess is, this line of action will insure that You Won't Be Invited Back, which will free up your valuable weeknight for further forays into the Search for Real Love, and you shall be caught no longer The plugger 'Vette. She only wants me as a sex toy CINTRA, I Seek Your Guidance: I have a problem. I am seeing a woman who only wants me as a sex toy. One night a week she has me stay over for sex.

If I'm lucky, maybe we have dinner, and she won't ever let me stay overnight Here are a couple of examples of Btuff that goes on: 40 minutes into the last time we were having sex she says to me, "I'm done." I an 3 ANN LANDERS has either. Do you know what I am talking about? Are they extinct? Have you ever heard of them? Do they now have another name? Please consult a nut expert, and help me prove I am not imagining things. I'll pin your answer up on the bulletin board and say, "I told you so." Fran Dear Fran: My nut expert says you are not nuts. The monkey nut is a cousin to the peanut It comes from the European basswood tree. You and I must be about the same age because I remember monkey nuts from my school days, too.

Dear Ann Landers: This is for the lady who thought it was ridiculous to bury a person with his glasses on because "people don't sleep in glasses, and death is the permanent sleep." My mother wore a hearing aid for the last 20 years of her life. No one ever saw her without it Her aid was one of those old-fashioned models clumsy and very visible. When we tried to talk her into a new streamlined model, she'd say, "No, this one works fine." When Mama died, the mortician called us to see if she looked the way we wanted her to look for the viewing. My sister and with one voice, told the mortician that Mama didn't look right Something was missing. It was, of course, her hearing aid.

So she was buried with it on, even though some people said it was ridiculous. We wanted it that way. Tennessee Reader Dear As I said before, it's up to the family to decide such questions, and they should not be concerned with "crowd pleasers." Ann Landers 1995 Creators Syndicate Inc. Demo Day for sea kayaking at the beach in Sausalito, where anybody can just show up, hop in a kayak and try paddling around for while, all for free. It's great fun, and a bonus this weekend is that the adjoining area is being set up for an art festival Information: Sea Trek, (415) 488- 1000.

7. Egret watching: The past month has been excellent for seeing egrets, those fragile, snow-white marine birds with the long legs and beaks. The best areas are at Jakes Island at China Camp State Park in San Rafael, Cogswell Marsh at the Hayward Regional Shoreline and Palo Alto Baylands on the Peninsula. Information: China Camp, (415) 456-7066; Cogswell Marsh, (510) 635-0135, PA. Baylands, (415) 329-2261.

8. Transbay bike ride: Park your vehicle at the visitor center for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Refuge near the eastern foot of the Dumbarton Bridge. From here you can ride over the bridge and then south on a paved bike trail along the Peninsula baylands all the way to Shoreline Park in Mountain View. Great views, great trip.

Information: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, (510) Hayward hills are four lakes with warm, clear water and excellent swimming. Del Valle is the largest at 750 acres and has a lifeguard; Shadow Cliffs features a water slide; Anza is nestled in a valley and sheltered from breezes; and Don Castro is small but has a lagoon and changing area. Information: East Bay Regional Park District (510) 635-0135. 5.

Get on a party boat The best summer of fishing for salmon ever documented is being topped by the annual fall run through San Francisco Bay. The salmon school up just outside the Golden Gate, then migrate through the Bay and up the Sacramento River system. Despite excellent fishing and the biggest salmon of the year, there is space on many boats for the coming weekend. Many skippers will have TVs going Sunday to tune in the 49ers game. Information: San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf, (415) 586-9800, (415) 457-8388 or (415) 673-9815; Sausalito, (415) 332-1015; Emeryville, (510) 654-6040; Berkeley Marina (510) 849-2727; Princeton at Half Moon Bay, (415) 726-2913 or (415) 726-7133.

6. Easy Bay paddle: This Sunday is 792-4275. 9. Rent a skiff: The seas have been calm most days and the rock-fish have moved into the inshore reefs, a combination that makes renting a small boat out of Santa Cruz or Capitola a real treasure. My first memories of success in the outdoors came here with my dad and brother some 30 years ago.

Information: Santa Cruz Wharf, (408) 423-1739; Capitola Wharf, (408) 462-2208. 10. Wildlife watching: The best way to get a child hooked on hiking is to provide a chance to see animals. The best places for that are the Pierce Ranch Trail at Point Reyes National Seashore (elk, deer and rabbits), Grizzly Island Wildlife Area south of Fairfield (elk, ducks and rabbits) and Mount Madonna County Park (rare white deer, kept in a pen). Information: Point Reyes, (415) 663-1092; Grizzly Island, (510) 425-3828- Mount Madonna, (408) 842-231 And hey, if you dont get around to one of these 10 ventures this weekend, well, no problem: You can always try one out in the coming weeks.

Or then again, you could always clean out the garage. Mom's gentle hint about her birthday DEAR READERS: I am on vacation, but I have left behind some of my favorite columns that you may have missed the first time around. I hope you enjoy them. Ann Landers Dear Ann Landers: The letter from the wife who wrote to say her husband was a good man but never remembered her birthday jogged loose some pleasant memories. My mother had the same problem, but she solved it when I was 8 years old.

I remember the occasion vividly. Mama's birthday was Jan. 18. On Jan. 17, she tacked a large poster on the door of the kitchen.

It read: Closed tomorrow in honor of my birthday. Dad got the hint and took the whole family out to dinner on Mama's birthday the next night She lightheartedly tacked up that poster every year on Jan. 17, and Dad continued to honor the tradition. Last year, Mom died of a heart attack. She was stricken on Jan.

19. Dad said he was sure she waited till after her birthday to die because she so enjoyed that night out It's a sweet thought, and I half believe it Incidentally, Mama loved your column, and so do I. Winnipeg Reader Dear Reader: Your mother was a wise woman. She knew that often it is easier and less hazardous to reach one's destination by traveling the back roads rather than the busy highway. Thanks for a heartwarming letter.

Dear Ann Landers: Will you please help me prove a point? I work in a home for the aged. During coffee break the other day, I mentioned that when I was a schoolgirl, I used to buy monkey nuts, and they were delicious. No one knew what I was talking about. One person accused me of imagining things. These nuts are about the size of a large pea.

They had a light brown shell, and the meat inside was very tasty. I have not seen monkey nuts in years. Apparently, no one else OUTDOORS from C-l 10 favorite adventures face layers of fog. The color changes every minute or so, a dramatic experience so good I've seen it twice in the past week. Information: Mount Tamalpais State Park, (415) 388-2070, or district headquarters at (415) 456-1286.

2. East Bay back roads: In the course of just a few hours, you can feel like you're a million miles away from the Bay Area. You can be transported by driving out on Mount Hamilton Road from east San Jose, or out on Mines Road south of Livermore. The two roads connect at the Alameda-Santa Clara county line, and either way you go, you get to see the most remote, undeveloped region of the Bay Area. From San Jose, the road twists slowly up to Mount Hamilton, 4,062 feet, with great views of the Santa Clara Valley to the west Then you rise over the top and eastward into remote wildlands, featured by distant San Antonio Valley.

3. Peninsula Skyline hike: You could travel anywhere and not have a more beautiful setting for a short hike than from one of the 25 trailheads along Highway 35 on the Peninsula Skyline. My favorite right now is the trailhead at Russian Ridge Open Space, located north of Skylonda. There is a parking area on the east side of the road, but you get the best views by crossing the road and taking the trail that starts at a wood gateway. From here, the trail makes a one-hour loop, with fantastic views of the ocean to the west If the coastal fog is in, the trail is usually above the layer, making it look like a beautiful sea of mist.

Information: Midpeninsula Open Space District, (415) 691-1200. 4. Go jump in a lake: Del Valle Reservoir south of Livermore, Shadow Cliffs Lake in Pleasanton, Lake Anza in the Berkeley foothills and Don Castro Reservoir in the 'Chicago Hope will again be an ensemble show By Marilyn Beck and Stacy Jenel Smith SPECIAL TO THE EXAMINER THEQUIGMANS by Buddy Hickerson Arkin) and Camille (Roxanne Hart). Hart reports that the cast of the Emmy-nominated drama has been encouraged by exec producer John Tinker to taik to the show's new writers. "They seek us out and are receptive to what we say.

It's a great environment," she says. Patinkin at the end of last season with story lines divvied up among the remaining original cast members and newcomer Christine Lahti. Among the developments that'll be heating up the hospital halls will be "a lot of volatile stuff between estranged spouses Aaron (Adam HOLLYWOOD Expect to see a return to a full-fledged ensemble approach on "Chicago Hope" which drifted toward a focus on departing co-star Mandy MM Yesterday's Cryptoqulp: WHEN A THIEF HELD UP THE FLOWER SHOP HE FOUND A PFTRIFIED FLORIST. The Cryptoquip is a substitution cipher in wh.ch one letter stands for another. If you think that equals it will equal throughout the puzzle.

Single letters Short words and words using an apostrophe give you clues to locating vowels. Solution is by trial and error. 1995 by King Feature Inc. XLQ'J APLXI XQHMB-ZXBQJ FT SPLLXB'L ZFH AXLIOXJL IFSSXB TSFOM? Today's Cryptoqulp clue: A equals 1.4. V.

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