The Boston Globe from Boston, Massachusetts • 12

Marriage counseling without frills On the track of nature her. the family came first. The job and the courses were worked around the family. i I irvri LiiuuiiL ui wuaL i uiu said. "It was an extension of my interests as a housewife, my interest in the family To this day.

I don't feel like a career woman. I worked as a counselor because other people kept telling me how much I was helping them." Kargman is skeptical about the chances for a happy marriage if both partners pour all their energies into careers. "I don't think you can have two careers in one family if it means taking time away from family life." she says. "Taking care of a marriage is hard work." And much of that work. Kargman acknowledges 1 -llllHIII MARRIAGE Continued from Page 1 1 Once they understand the concept, Kargman says, they are equipped to work on changes in the system, rather than blaming each other for personality traits neither can change.

In one incident described in' the book, Kargman helped a couple understand a supermarket fight over an extra box of; cookies in the shopping cart and change It from a power struggle to a discussion of how to make their the budget system work better. Kargman says the single most Important message to partners in a troubled marriage is "Listen." "Every wedding should Include a vow to love, honor and listen," she says. In her book, Kargman urges troubled couples to negotiate a "listening contract" in which each party agrees to hear the other out without interruption. The partners should agree on a "symbolic interrupter," a word or gesture, that either can use if the conversation appears to be headed into dangerous territory, Listening, Kargman says, is not a simple skill. Every statement contains an idea, a feeling and a Judgement, which means that misunderstanding can occur on at least three levels.

Learning to listen and understand a partner on all three levels can take a lifetime, Kargman says. After 50 years of marriage, she is still learning to listen and to take her own advice, such as not trying to change personalities. "My husband is the kind of person who never turns off she says. "I'm a saver. I turn lights" off.

After 50 years, I don't tell him to turn the lights off. It's Just as easy to do it myself." Kargman was attending night law school at De Paul University in Chicago when she married at 20. After passing the bar, she began working "flexible hours" in her husband's law firm. Later, when he came to Harvard to get a doctorate, she enrolled In the new department of social relations and managed to arrange her courses so that she would be home after school with her three children. She did not, she says, have the career-family conflict that many young women find so painful.

For tVALKING THE DEAD DIAMOND RIVER, by Edward Hoagland. North Point Press. 340 pp. $10 paperback). By Mark Muro Globe Staff fslc For Edward Hoagland.

whose 1973 collection "Walking the t)ead Diamond River" now recurs -1 in an attractive BOOK reissue, nature REVIEW writing means writing with sage avidity about nature on the Like his predecessor Thoreau, Hoagland writes essays not sim-" ply about the New England forest world of rock maple and white pine. Rather, he addresses its margins, the odd surviving and isolated copses in which "the swan song of the wilderness grows fainter, ever more constrlct--ed, until only sharp ears can "catch it at all." Thus, an essay on mountain lions becomes a medita-Jjon on the way we've become "enthusiasts," consumers of summer fHouse tree-scenes, and one on preservation, a note on how the Appalachian Trail lies in danger of being "loved to death." Elsewhere, he speaks of biolo- gist-tinkerers, those who decide what fish shall live in ponds by i killing off everything with chemi-'cals and starting from scratch. LYet there's more than this to He writes, knowingly, about himself. "Against the sense kT exuberant release I felt on long "walks in the woods," he observes Jjtjl strolling his hundred acres of Vermont during the invasion of adambodia, "was the knowledge Stoat this in fact was Just a hermetic patch of wilderness with highways on all sides, scarcely larger than a park: it was a ship in a and I was only hiding out." In passages like these, one hazards, Vendler has written of the naturalist-artist Audubon, "We may miss a wilder fancy, or a more human love, or a softer beauty," but "for better, of worse" he seems "our sort." And in many ways, one might add. Not only do these 19 essays take on endangered forests, Maine's Allagash River, and the range of bears, they address other remote preserves lonely with the impending loss of creature.

Circuses, boxing, go-go girls, all engage Hoagland's more metropolitan outings, not to mention numerous early-'70s social currents and the New York of cancer and callousness and soot in which "one feels tough as a badger." What results is the sense of a man going where where he wants, how he wants. In "The Midnight Freight to Portland," he just rides a train. "In the Toils of the Law," he narrates with great simplicity a week's jury duty. In other essays indirections record directions' as successive topics arise by solely internal logic. In this way an admission that "this month" his marriage is not breaking up becomes a meditation on the decline of fame, and a few cantankerous paragraphs about antidog sentiments in New York veer into a deeper mockery of urban man's fear of any "honest-to-goodness animal." Through all is a restless frankness that never courts but never avoids the uncomfortable, the forbidden, the controversial.

"Women Aflame" wonders whether the camp of 'liberated' souls" like Bella Abzug must stand off from the camp of "hard-bitten, 'untrammeled'" men, and in "Passion and Tensions" he speaks, as a male WASP heterosexual in a city ringing with "Italian-Americans," "brothers" and "bandwagon Jews" with impatience of having watched "other people's excitement for a long time." Sensing the decline of is done by women. She is not optimistic about the prospects of husbands and wives sharing equally in domestic chores. "People are more comfortable doing things they know how to do," she says. "You get a division of labor based on competence Very often the wife will say, 'Get out of my way. You're too Kargman believes that women who can afford to stay home with their children when they are young should do so, although she sees day care as essential for women who must work.

For single working parents, Kargman advocates housing that is built around a cooperative system of support services, such as child care and home chores. Although she describes herself as a humanist, rather than a feminist, Kargman has been active in trying to get more legal and financial protection for women in marriage and divorce. She still handles some child custody mediation cases that are referred to her by lawyers and judges, but she prefers to concentrate on writing books and articles that help people take care of their marriages. And she is encouraged by what she sees as signs of a renewed interest in marriage and the family amoung young people. "Isn't it wonderful that the divorce rate is going down," she says triumphantly.

"I predicted that five years ago." Edward Hoagland: Writing with sage avidity. forest into park and suburb, he seems at once loathe to welcome new divisions and fearful of the decline of sex. the decline of difference. It is. however, the journeys -through forests, down rivers -that for my money bring on the most memorable passages of this remarkable book.

Everywhere in these sections there is a sensuous avidity for the details of water and wood, a shrewd subtle elegance wrought with unmistakable integrity. Felicities of prose abound like shiny pebbles in a stream bed, and on the Allagash River, especially. Hoagland opens into the firm nobility of the Hemingway line. Here energy and outdoor quickness grace his every stride. Something else: adept as he is at cataloging the little losses and di-minishments of land and life, Hoagland himself appears to have lost less than most.

For one thing, he still believes in Joy. And because he can, one may read sentences like this: "I was so happy that I was unerring in distinguishing the deer trails going my way. The forest's night beauty was supreme in its promise, and I didn't hurry." All kinds of foul play in L.A. IS" a sensibility attentive, skeptical, solitary and oddly acceptable to the American mind. As Helen REVIEW Continued from Page 11 (William Dafoe); a man Chance believes murdered his partner.

When traditional methods fail. Chance begins using unethical, and then illegal, methods to capture his prey. This revenge story is propelled by excellent debut performances ByBilKeane THE FAMILY CIRCUS. Friedkin interview, Mere reviews Page 35 Petersen. John Pankow, left, and William When writing Letters should be addressed to Confidential Chat, Boston Globe, Mass.

02107. Writers should choose a pen name but include real name and address jor office records. Identities are never disclosed. When a letter is addressed to a writer, it is always forwarded and may also be printed. and "Spenser: For is as vague and foggy as the smog that coats L.A.

The violence, including a few shotgun slayings, is explicit, and the sex scenes are as lurid as thev come. But all this serves one by Petersen, Dafoe and John Pan-kow, and Friedkin's unerring eye for the revealing detail. During one sequence, after Chance has botched an attempt to obtain $50,000 in order to set up Masters, Friedkin pulls out all the stops for a brilliantly choreographed car chase. Although the chase serves its breathtaking purpose, it's simply window dressing for Fried-kin's deeper motives. Friedkin's portrait of L.A.

is one where men and women use sex to manipulate, control and hu-miliate. It's one: where death means nothing and where the good and the badare almost indistinguishable. Petersen is sensational as the agent whose quest for Justice begins with the purest motives and ends with him trapped by bureaucracy, deceit and evil. I "To Live and Die in L.A." may displease an audience conditioned by television detectives. The lfne between good and evil, so conveniently drawn by "Miami Viee" primary purpose to expose the auiuiguuua uciwccu the criminal and the crimefighter.

"To Live and Die in L.A." isn't the prettiest film of the year, but "Daddy, Jeffy's playin' with your doll. Fun, easy, witty and wearable Enjoy the children while still young L. H. Rogers tnd Charles Sumner, is, only a year and a half aftpr Rtartlntf. well nn th wav to mnklncr a name for himself.

He is a master of the beautifullv colored, generously sized dress or jacket dress with strong padded shoulders, slim long skirt, and one lartfe interestlntf nncket located snmpwhere nff-ntpr good when you wrote, "I own 46 cookbooks, and yet I still clip recipes. If I were to begin right now and make one recipe a day for the rest of my life from my current sources, I would not live long enough to use all of them, and I'm only in my 30s. Yet I continue to collect them." Yes, yes, I do the same thing and that's exactly what leads to my frustration at times. I'll never get to it, so why not dump it out? Oh no, no, I can't, not this, who knows? Many of those who responded felt inundated with papers. Some said they were frustrated not being able to locate a particular article they saved.

Yes, we do need a system that enables us to locate what we save. I am constantly trying things. My best solution is to index things. This takes enormous amounts of time, especially if, like me, you have masses of papers. However, if there are particular papers or articles that are extremely important, I find it best to assign a number to each article (or group of articles on one topic), then make an index.

I have found this much better than filing things alphabetically. It's much easier to locate No. 105 than to go through 25 articles all under A. To all of you, I can't say thank you enough. How I'd love to have you all at my house for a party.

similarities we have. Can you picture all of us comparing our organizational problems and methods? Finding out what each of us clipped from the day's paper, the latest magazine, what we subscribe to, Well, you've all made me feel much better. I still have lots of filing to do, but I'm also trying to limit myself. I do throw out batches of articles at times, and I call my husband to let him know, "Hey, look I'm weeding out my files." "Wonderful." he says, It up." Of course, I don't tell him aobut those I Just added. There are many of you I want to correspond with and it may take me awhile to write, but I'm definitely going to be in Jouch with some of you.

Tlppss oi around the waist or hip. His dresses are as far away i from the rather predictable St. John knits as a knit could be. and DerhaDs because thev are done in snft Stop and think now how you might handle the situation of undesirable bahavior from someone other than your own, then when a situation does arise perhaps you will feel better prepared to handle it more clamly, which is to everyone's benefit. Good luck.

These times do pass. Make an effort to see the good and the fun in your relationship with your children at this time because they mature so quickly and you don't have them around anymore. Nina Nee Dear Jonnie Bean: Since I have been through the "trying puberty period" with five children I can really sympathize with you. My advice to you is something I read in Chat years ago, perhaps it will help you. When your children act up, try to look at them as though they were someone else's children.

How would you respond to a friend's child "mouthing off exhibiting a bad mood? Would you yell at that child? Would you slap him (her)? Would you punish the offender? I tend to think, not. colors, they are also becoming a sort of cult dress among media people. Jane Pauley wears a Fabrikant FASHION Continued from Page 1 1 dancers bopped through the African countryside in Willi Wear. The lead dancer, who plays a photographer on expedition, becomes a rooster at one point, and pecks his way around the scenery in an unforgettable "rooster walk." The clothes include primitive African-print halter tops and Jackets with waist-length fronts and hip-length backs, as well as kitchen-table check pants with all sorts of coordinating tops. i Every scene in the film Is delightfully unpredictable.

For example, the photographer opens his trunk for the customs inspector (played by Smith himself), and half a dozen Willi Wear-dressed dancers climb out of it. In another scene, the dancers drop fishing lines into the sea and reel in a piece of clothing that coordinates with what they have on. Smith, who has designed costumes for Alvin Alley, Twyla Tharp and the Dance Theatre of Harlem, and just recently de- signed uniforms for the artist Christo. Smith has clearly derived inspiration from using dancers as his knit ahnut nitre a week nn The Tnrtav Shmu Two othei young knitwear designers who showed their lines oa Tuesday, however, should not stick to i their knittlntf eenerlallv tirhen the vorn ucaH ie Clippers of the world, you are not alone Dear Chatters: I want to thank all of you who wrote to assure me I was not the only peson who saved clippings from newspapers and magazines. I received nearly 50 letters and think the Globe may print some since they've been copying the responses, but since it may be some time before the responses are published for all of you to read, I want to let you know how much I enjoyed your letters.

It feels wonderful to know thin you can see through it to the inner seams and shoulder pads. Rebecca Moses used a "biker's" theme and showed her black rib-knit skirt and top in a 10-speed version of a Hell's Angels' jacket, with zippers cropping up everywhere. Her polo shirt with the i U-necked open back makes one wonder why anyone would want to cut the back but of a polo shirt. Her neon green terrycloth skirt and coat similarly make one ask why anyone would want to mess up a nice bath towel. Andrea Jbvine's knits were nearly as dreadful, and she did not even have the biker's theme to pull her inexpensive-looking dresses and separates together, 1 In all the linesi good and bad, strong colors and surprising fabrics are appearing as springtime themes.

Caribbean turquoise, hot tangerine and brick yellow showed up throughout Marcasiano's pretty line, for example. Marcasiano brought forth a lovely group of hand-woven silk and silk Jacquard pajama pants and shirts with softly knotted ties below the elbow. Her pretty hip-wrap dresses and robes were so reminiscent of the 1920s that the octogenarian sitting in the audience remarked, "Here's where I came in" -meaning 60 years ago. not 20 minutes. Marcasiano sells to Charles Sumner and Fancies In Boston.

Eleanor Brenner, who is back on the design scene after a six-year break, has a pretty collection of cosmetic colored silk-and- linen bermuda suits, coat dresses, and silk suits yith stretch lace camisoles peeking out from underneath the jackets in a touch of ladylike sensuality. Her "rainbow washed" lemon-colored silk-striated fabric might have been inspired by Renoir. And her innovative details the epaulet that rolls from the shoulder all the way under the sleeve and gathers it up, or the "blazer" with the rib-knit flange, sleeve and back make her clothes special. Her pink suit, with a double yoke that moved from the shoulder right down to the belted peplum, and a straight skirt that flared out just at the hem, there are probably hundreds of people who have boxes full of clippings. Most of those who responded were retired or had grown children.

These are people who have more free time to indulge in keeping clippings. However, some were younger like myself. Old Moms is a young mother with a 4-year-old. None of those who responded sounded as addicted as however. I mean.

I didn't get one from a person who said, "Yes, I have six five-drawer letter files and 100 folders on various topics." My husband tells me I have too much free time. Ha, ha! I couldn't get enough free time, the more the better. I'm never bored, always want to be learning and reading something. Many of you made that point. You wrote I shouldn't feel badly about clipping aritlces because it shows I'm interested in what's going on.

I'm never bored (depressed sometimes, bored no). All of you said it was a harmless hobby so enjoy it. Pack Rat calls us "information Junkies." That's right, we are! Cal Clod calls us "learn-a-ho-llcs." My husband, an avid reader (but he throws everything out) would call me a "messja-holic." Cricket! And Peepers, I'd love to know you. You made me feel models and art as a connecting link to fashion. The fashion themes for next spring that are becoming evident after Just a few shows are the dolman sleeve and the duster.

Mary Jane Marcasiano made dusters for men in black cotton. Danny Noble's are for women, in a gray and black plaid and they coordinate with pantsuits of the same fabric. Willi Smith's are tangerine-colored and oversized. The bi-level Jacket, longer in the back than in the front, is prevalent, too. Most interesting is Danny Noble's, which features a pie-shaped wedge cut out of the sides of the Jacket.

This emphasizes the fact that the front of the Jacket falls Into points. The fronts of some of Smith's jackets are shorter than the backs, and the backs of some of Noble's Jackets are shorter than the fronts. Rarely does a jacket make It all the way around the waist without a cutout or a Jump or a dip in the hemline. Spatter prints are around, too; the best of these are the navy all-sized "dalmatian" dots in Danny Noble's pantsuits. Another spring 1986 signature seems to be an unnecessary but fun addition to an outfit: the extra gray plaid skirt underneath Noble's yellow plaid dress, the skinny white tights under Willi Smith's puffy mermaid skirts, Smith's short white Jacket over a longer white Jacket, or Marcasiano's superfluous coat over Jacquard Knits, too, abound, and while some of the cotton knit dresses come in beautiful pastel combinations and elegant shapes, others are skimpy both in texture and silhouette, making them look tarty and highly Impractical for all 'but the most underdeveloped teen-ager.

Jr Steve Fabrikant, the young who sells his knits In the range to Mil mm ROCKLAND SONS OF ITALY HALL 75 Market St. Rockland Center NOV. 3 tin eeeri I0 KAREN KUCHAR8KI Of Himpton, H. wilt) her knitted weeier will be Her husband's shirts won't come clean Dear Chatters: I need help with a laundry problem with my husband's shirts. He perspires heavily, which leaves yellow stains under the arms of his shirts.

They are beautiful, expensive cotton or cotton-polyester blends and are being ruined. He uses an antiperspirant, so I wonder if It helps, or aggravates the stains. Carrots, Onions And Garlic imong the 65 critts people Irom III over NEW ENGLAND II tree II iwilh ell the populer crilti end meny one ot a kind Admission tut. tuim ne'er i MOO ter eeiile will to. Our next CMFtftm will be at NEWTON Armory TURBRIDQi-ihreton RANDOLPH Lantona Nov.

I 10 Nov. 11 was particularly feminine. and pretty. Brenner sells to Neiman-Marcus..