The Boston Globe from Boston, Massachusetts • 63

THE BOSTON GLOBE FRIDAY. SEPTEMBER 21. 1984 63 MISS MANNERS REVIEW I BOOK Friday, bloody Friday the feast Children betrayed 4 'f" THOU SHALT NOT BE -AWARE Society's Betrayal of the Child, by Alice Miller. Farrar. Straus Giroux.

331 pp. $15.95. By Christina Robb Globe Staff r. One of the great achievements of the 20th century Is the of children that they know. that they feel, that they remem-3 ber.

Freud began this discovery at the turn of the century, when his 5, pioneering work on the causes of 0) hysteria turned up a very disturbing theory that all adult hysteria 31 was caused by sexual abuse during childhood. At least, he report-iVed in 1896. the patients he was remembered previously forgotten incidents of abuse during their childhoods, and prompter ly lost their hysterical symptoms. His report drew heavy criticism, including self-criticism, for suggesting such a thing "How could all those children have been abused in our society?" As he be-v gan to doubt his patients' stories, Freud began to see poorer results from his talking treatments. By 1897 he decided that his patients were lying, or, Jo put it more inter-r, estingly, they were fantasizing the fulfillments of childhood wishes, and what made them crazy was the guilt they felt about breaking sexual taboos even in their imagi-nations.

Vjr This little dodge took the ac-cused abusive society and the (r young inventor of psychoanalysis off the hook. The dangerous notion that, when some-. thing is really wrong with some-r one, it's because something bad really happened to them was si-Oenced for psychoanalysis exactly it is silenced for most abused t. children. Sixty years later, another German-speaking psychoanalyst listened to neurotic patients and once again heard the voices of victimized children trapped in si-i lenced adults.

"It was not reports about real and verifiable cases of sexual abuse such as are now fortunately being disclosed that made me aware of the problem," about complimenting others. Recently we dressed up for a nice dinner out with his mother. I complimented him. but he never returned the favor. Am I overly sensitive, or am I right in suspecting that he is bas-cially rude and self-centered? Is there any hope for him? Gentle Reader: It is rude to attempt to improve the behavior of anyone other than one's own minor children, unless you have been sincerely asked to do so.

Even Miss Manners only enlightens upon request. But although most people nowadays would agree with this principle in regard to the teaching of manners at least to the very idea of anyone else's teaching them manners they no longer recognize that it should extend to other areas, such as health, attitude and manner of expression. Thus you may be able to teach this gentleman manners, provided you not label them as such, but disguise them with encounter-therapy jargon: "I'm sure you don't realize it, but the people we visit often think I'm just dragging you along and you really hate to come." He looks surprised and asks why anyone would imagine any such thing. "Well, you know, they've all been brought up to say 'thank you' automatically to hostesses, and so they think that you must have a deep reason for not doing so. My mother, for instance, is convinced you don't like her." "Do you resent my doing things for you? Oh, yes, you must.

I know you don't want to hurt my feelings, but I can't help noticing that you never say anything when I try to please you, so I must be doing it all wrong." "I wish I knew what you like to see me wear. I know it's foolish, but I would like so much to please you, and sometimes when I've taken a lot of care to get dressed up and then you never say anything, I feel so deflated. I suppose you don't like it and avoid saying anything so you won't hurt my feelings." Personally, Miss Manners is made sick by this style of talking, but then, she does her reforming on a grand scale. Nevertheless, she admires you for undertaking to save a single soul and hopes this technique will be of use. It should at least tell you whether he is self-centered, in addition to being rude.

Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions other than through this column. Picky eater at By Judith Martin Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I attend many elegant dinners that usually consist of at least five courses. I am a terrible eater and usually don't eat the food at these affairs. I have been declining courses I don't like, but my husband says I should take all the courses and, if I don't like one, "play around" with it, so as not to offend the hostess.

I hate to waste food, though. I try to explain to hostesses before dinner that I'm a picky eater, and don't like to waste, so they won't be offended. If I don't see her beforehand, I contact her as soon as it's proper. But is this proper? I don't want to be impolite. Gentle Reader: Calling yourself a "picky eater" could make you sound like a discriminating judge, thus offering hostesses a challenge.

Try, heard what a marvelous cook you are, but unfortunately I can eat just a very little," which implies that you must, for some health reason, curb a ravenous appetite against your will. If they think you're as interested in food as they, they will mind less whether you actually eat it. Nevertheless, it is best to avoid attracting the attention of plate-watchers. Take one forkful of each course, and if anyone challenges you, reply, "Oh, I shouldn't, but couldn't resist having a taste." Miss Manners regards this as a compromise, but it will make your life easier. You must promise her, in return, not to get into further conversation should anyone have the ill grace to Inquire what health or diet reasons you have for ur moderate consumption of food.

Deaf Miss Manners: How does one teach an adult to say "thank you" and to give compliments, as well as accept them? My boyfriend is no child, but is severely lacking in these matters of common courtesy. I am unsure whether this is due to genetic imbalance or lack of proper training as a boy. Sometimes, he will respond correctly when he hears me thank a hostess, but at other times he acts like my thank you is sufficient for both of us. It is not. He has offended my mother by never thanking her for inviting him to dinner, and has offended me as well.

I am not bragging, but I have done many nice things for jhim with nary a "thank you." As if this breach weren't an-Inoying enough, he is also terrible CAPE IIv CAPE COD This Guide Tuesday, TELEVISION Continued from Page 61 This is the story ot Mac IRobert Ginty) and Andy (Jeff McCracken. two frustrated, frostbitten cops who are tired of the cold, mean streets of Chicago where life calls for rough language, like "Ease off. sleaze brain!" or "Hey. lay off. scum!" So when Riley spots a billboard showing a suntanned blond lolling on a Hawaiian beach bang! The idea hits him.

He gets his partner drunk, carries him aboard a plane, and as quick as you can say "Mindless Television," they're off to Honolulu to chase bandits and bimbos, and the rest of us are off to the medicine chest to look for an aspirin. If you enjoy violence on television, then "Hunter" (WBZ-TV. Ch. 4 at 9) is your cup of hemlock. The camera lingers on a gleaming six-inch knife that will be used to slash a woman's throat.

Guns are aimed at the camera and fired. A high-speed chase that seems like it will never end finally does when a cop places a machine gun on the dashboard and spray-fires, forcing the other car to crash, explode and burst into flames. A cop fires, point black into the windshield of a moving car, causing it to hurdle, in a slow motion swan dive, through the air and over a fence, where it crashes down into a garage, exploding into flames. All of this occurs within the first 15 minutes. Played by former NFL star Fred Dryer, our hero is Sgt.

Rick Hunter, who looks like Richard Wid-mark, walks like Clint Eastwood and acts as respectfully towards the law as Adolf Hitler. To avoid being assigned to a wimp named Terwllliger, Hunter chooses his own partner, Dee Dee McCall (Stepfanie Kramer), known to the boys on the force as The Brass Cupcake. This has an ugly, right-wing smell to it. Our man Hunter is not one of your pansy, bleeding-heart liberal nerds. No sir.

In pursuit of evil, Hunter doesn't like to be weighed down by technicalities like the Miranda ruling, and don't make him angry, because by the time you get your rights read to you, you might be knocked out cold, a victim of Hunter's inclination to rough people up, to beat them, shoot them ram them with his car or otherwise let you know he's not happy. And that's "Hunter" in a nutshell, which is just where it belongs. The best new cop show of the year is "Miami Vice" (WBZ-TV. Ch. 4 at 10), a story about the seamy world of drug smuggling.

What makes this unusual is the interplay of sight and sound, the long, impressionistic interludes of original music by Cyndi Lauper, the Rolling Stones, Phil Collins and The Police, among others, and the use of lighting, of luminescence, hazy red, blue and yellow neons, all combining for moods and nuances of tension that are rare in television drama. The violence, on the other hand, is shocking. In what the Since writes Alice Miller in the third of her epoch-making books about psychoanalysis and child abuse, "but rather the unconscious messages of people severely wounded in childhood who Initially denied these wounds. The form their symptoms took, their way of idealizing their childhood and their parents, of blaming themselves for all their suffering, of keeping the secret from others as well as themselves but also their strong desire, on the other hand, to escape the confusion they felt and learn to live with the truth led me to make some assumptions that unfortunately proved to be true." Her main assumption is that society incorporates the wholesale abuse and exploitation of children by a system she calls "poisonous pedagogy" the ethos that teaches adults to hurt, abandon, and otherwise crush and overwhelm children "for their own good" (the English title of her last book), or at least to acquiesce when other adults act this way. When victims of this kind of treatment present themselves for psychotherapy, in their deepest selves they would like nothing more than to tell their sad stories, grieve and be believed.

Miller assumes. After 20 years of practice, the Swiss training analyst believes that only these three experiences will set people who were abused as children free from the compulsive repetition of symbolic or literal versions of their own bad treatment. This is serious. She means Hitler and the next mass murderer. To protect her own patients' confidences.

Miller likes to write about literary and historic figures. In this book, her courage, warmth, experienced intuition and candor yield fascinating insights about Freud, Flaubert, Baudelaire, Kafka and fairy tales -and about global social reform: We can't begin until we know how to heal children, including the children in adults, and Miller knows and tells, with clarity and flair. This is a necessary book. severar months ago. More than 225,000 copies have been sold.

Those who have read this book can't thank me enough. It tells, in simple, understandable language, how to overcome adversity and grief, how to handle anxiety and the pain of living. It gives strength and courage to those who are struggling to stay sane. For those who want a copy of "Living Through Everyday Crisis" by Ann Kaiser Sterns, write to Thomas More Press. 223 W.

Erie Chicago, 111. 60610. Price is $8, which includes postage and handling. Dear Ann Landers: Thirty lashes with a wet noodle for your answer to "Not Kosher Enough in Texas." If you read it again, you'll see the mother Is using food as a weapon against her son's way of life. Why else would she bring a piece of cake to his office? She knew he wouldn't eat it.

I doubt that her son and daughter-in-law "stt home and do nothing" on the Sabbath. Why did you ask a Conservative rabbi to be your consultant? An Orthodox rabbi would have given you a different (and better) answer. When mom reduces her hostility and stops trying to load on the guilt, the relationship is sure to improve. Keeping The Sabbath In Boston I was satisfied with the Conservative rabbi's statement, but many rabbis were not. Not wishing to foment a religious war, I decided to stand pat, but I now realize I'll have to do better than that.

Stay tuned. ANN LANDERS How to handle heavy grief MARTHA'S VINEYARD BERKSHIRES-CAPE ANN FRED DRYER Stars in 'Hunter producer calls a quest for realism, there are scenes in which 10 people are blown away as starkly and as bloodily as you're likely to see on television. NBC censors persuaded the writers to tone down two other controversial scenes, one involving a nearly nude dancer, the other a bombing in which bodies were seen tossed through the air. The idea of using Miami as a backdrop for a show about undercover cops originated with Anthony Yerkovich, who wrote the pilot script and who won three Emmys for "Hill Street Blues." "Miami Vice" stars Don Johnson as a hard-drinking, hardworking undercop for the vice squad in Miami, and handsome, electric Philip Michael Thomas as Ricardo Tubbs, the New York cop who becomes his partner. "Miami Vice" has the look, the feel and the sound of good television.

In a season short of worthwhile drama, this is the one to watch. Finally, television is offering a weekly series for lovers of science fiction. It's (WBZ-TV, Ch. 4 at 8). As in "The Body Snatchers," the plot is right where it's supposed to be, just this side of ridiculous.

Parts one and two were shown in August. Part three will be seen in a two-hour presentation Oct. 19, and regular hourly episodes begin Oct. 26. This is a story about the arrival on Earth of creatures in spaceships that are seen suddenly one morning hovering over 50 major cities, and the news is reported live by Howard K.

Smith. Silly? Of course. This Is not small potatoes. What's at stake is not merely Western Civliization, but the planet Earth, and that's big stuff. is not a complex story.

It's old-fashioned good vs. evil, Them against Us, and you don't need a course in Jesuitical logic to figure out which side you're on. ought to put to rest the Steven Spielberg myth that lulled us into believing aliens might be friendly. The truth Is that, as extra-terrestrials go. E.

T. is a pipsqueak and a bore. When alien creatures finally do arrive on Earth and they will arrive, make no mistake about it -they will be evil and grotesque, like the lizards in and it will take all our strength, conviction and cunning to outwit them, because it's almost certain they will be disguised to seem as sweet and lovable as a television critic. Tomorrow: new programs on Saturday and Sunday. 1873 Meet some of the friendly folks who create our wonderful products and sample their delicious fare.

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