El Paso Times from El Paso, Texas • 27

Relationships El Paso Times Monday, Sept 20, 1999 3D Melissa Martinez Colorado Spnngs Gazette Telegraph Art and Mary Lou Moreno hold up photographs of their children from previous marriages. Art has four sons, and Photos by Linda Stelter El Paso Times Mary Lou has five boys and girls. 71 jP Nss Hr Growing up is filled with firsts A good friend from high school, whose wedding I was in last year, recently joined the ranks of many others eager to have a Year 2000 baby. Michelle and her husband, Ray, are expecting their firstborn in April. (Speaking as an April baby myself, she's in for a wonderful ride.) To add to their list of firsts, the couple just closed on their first home.

And life just moves right along. Firsts are always such a happy thing to experience, announce and celebrate. Just six weeks after finding out she was pregnant, Michelle was working the e-mail route, letting everyone know. In her note, graphically designed in blue and pink, Michelle wrote she had planned to wait until the end of her first trimester to announce that she was pregnant, but enthusiasm won out. How she ever thought she could keep that kind of secret is beyond me.

I've known Michelle since the seventh grade, and secrets have never been our thing. It might take us a little bit longer to communicate now, between her bouts of morning sickness and our careers, but it all eventually gets taken care of. That's the funny thing about your girlfriends. They're always there, year after year. At least that's the kind of relationship I have with my best friends.

I am still extremely close with about five friends from high school. Actually, we've been friends longer than that. And it's kind of an unspoken pact: No matter where you are, you just have to be there for the important moments in life. I was there when Talia announced her engagement. I was there when Erin bought her first car.

I was there when Marcy's first son was born. We were all there when Michelle got married. They were there when I graduated from college. True, I threatened them with near death if they didn't show up, but the point is that they were there. To quote Dionne Warwick, "That's what friends are for." I always tease my mom when she gets together with her high-school buddies that they're now more like the Golden Girls.

They all get together and chat about the good old days, laugh about their children, complain about their husbands. It's at that moment that it becomes abundantly clear that my future probably entails becoming a Golden Girl myself. We already complain about the men in our lives, and the babies already are on their way. And life just keeps moving along. We just are enjoying the cockiness of our youth and naivete with our many firsts.

Our moms will be laughing heartily in the midst of our firsts with unruly children and inevitable gray hair. For now, I'm just glad it will be Michelle who has the first labor pain, and not but that's another story. Melissa Martinez is a features reporter for the El Paso Times. Her column appears every other week. Mixing families requires hard work, --nil fT Helen McCabe, a certified Catholic chaplain, leads a women's group at her house.

Women heed call to ministry By Raymond McCaffrey Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. As a Catholic chaplain, Helen McCabe has ministered to the sick. As a Eu-charistic minister, McCabe has served Holy Communion at Sunday Mass. She also has led groups designed to help women who have experienced divorce and who need guidance in other areas. So what if, under Catholicism, she can never become a priest because she's a woman and never performs such priestly duties as saying Mass or performing baptisms and marriages? "Who cares about ordinations?" says McCabe, 58, who was certified as a chaplain in 1996.

"We're all called to minister together." Indeed, many women are heeding that call. Though they still cannot serve as priests or rabbis and male pastors predominate in leading Christian churches women today are taking greater roles in religions traditionally patriarchal in leadership. Some, like McCabe, are ministering in church-sanctioned roles. Others are forming groups specifically designed to serve women and address issues that male religious leaders perhaps have neglected or have not fully understood. And, on a much larger scale, they're assembling by the thousands at events like Women in Faith sponsored by women's groups and Renewing the Heart, sponsored by Focus on the Family.

Leigh O'DelL director of Renewing the Heart, believes that the movement is fueled by women's need for fellowship and to probe topics not usually explored in Sunday sermons. "I know it's a growing movement among women, and certainly it's a need that's feeding the enthusiasm for Renewing the Heart and other events," O'Dell says. "That's a need that might not be completely fulfilled by a Sunday morning message." That need for fellowship may be fueled by the fact that "in the modern era, there's so much less time for fellowship," O'Dell says. "Because of societal change, I think women crave it more because they have it less." That's one reason many professional women are using religious groups to reach others like themselves. "It just seems like a woman's makeup is totally different than a man's," Connie Turner, an administrative assistant at a high-tech firm says.

"I feel that we're more sensitive. We have a totally different role in life than a man: as a mother, a home- maKer, our jod experiences are different than a man; how we relate to other women." And it's not just Christianity in which women have a voice. In Islam a decidedly patriarchal religion women have strong roles. In fact, they are seen as spiritual equals, according to one expert, and women have the same rights as men in most areas. Lailaa Saleem says it's common for female followers of Islam in the Western part of the world to gather in groups at Islamic centers or mosques to socialize, discuss relevant issues, plan activities or pur- -sue religious studies.

Those groups might have a leader who would present issues to the man serving as the head of an Islamic community. A woman also has the right to approach the male leader with concerns, an expert says. Women accept this, Saleem says just as they acknowledge that women cannot lead men in prayers. communication Children cannot be separated from a mother or father simply because their parents have divorced, said Lucia Reyes. She and her husband, Hector Jesus Reyes, have been married nine years.

They both brought a total of seven children to their marriage. All are now grown. "One way to deal with it is to accept (your spouse's) child as an extension of the man or woman you love," she said. "Otherwise, you're going to face many barriers." Everyone involved has to define his or her own role, including the children, and they have to accept that their roles can change, she said. Children will sometimes have a mom during the week and a stepmom during the weekend.

Then there are the grandparents. Holidays can produce a conflict of interests; where to spend them and with whom? Combining children from previous More than 20 years ago, Mary Lou and Art Moreno brought nine children into their new family from previous marriages. Dan Delgado, pictured at far right, is one of Mary Lou's children. staying together Rnmp ei lowstinns fnr a rni inle entering a second marriage with children from previous partners: Go for premarital counseling. This is important to help define the role each family member will play.

Put past experiences behind you. This is a new beginning Develop open communication with your new spouse and children. Set guidelines when dealing with discipline of the children, with former spouses, money matters and grandparents. Most marriages fail because of differences in the upbringing of children and financial problems. Source: Various family therapists.

For help and information on premarital and marital counseling for remarrying couples with children call: The El Paso Catholic Diocese, Marriage and Family Life services, Cana II program, 872-8401, 592-2218. El Paso Christian Counseling Center, 772-1998. marriages presents many hurdles, Reyes said. But it can be successful. Both she and the Morenos recommend extensive counseling before considering a second marriage.

Danny Delgado, the 41-year-old son of Mary Lou Moreno, said his parents are a good example of a second marriage with an already-made family that worked. "I have great respect for all the work they put into making their marriage work," he said. "It wasn't easy, I know. There was a lot of on them and a lot of prob-ems. But I can speak for all of us, they did a great job." Cosmo guys By Guadalupe Silva El Paso Times When two people from completely different backgrounds get married and start a new family, it takes some adapting to make it work.

But when each of the two people brings children of their own into a second marriage, it takes more than love and goodwill for that marriage to succeed, according to counselors and experts. When the "Brady Bunch" did it on television, they made it seem easy, but experts say it takes hard work, commitment, patience, time and a lot of communication among the spouses and their children. One El Paso couple who brought a total of nine children into their second marriage is Art and Mary Lou Moreno. She had five from a previous marriage and he had four. "Now, they are all ours, sort of like the 'Brady said Mary Lou Moreno, acknowledging that it was difficult getting adjusted at the beginning.

The couple, celebrating 21 years of marriage, had children ranging in ages from 10 to 22, with most in their teens. "Since I had been a single mom for 17 years, my children wanted me to get married," she said. "They didn't want me to get old alone. So, adapting was easier for them." For Art Moreno, who had been divorced only three years before his second marriage, adjusting was more difficult for his children, "They did not want to feel disloyal to their mother," he said. "It took time, but they realized I was happy and accepted the situation." "The main problem was trying to be fair to all nine," Mary Lou Moreno said.

"We try to treat all alike, but there's always sibling rivalry. With two families, the danger of favoring yours over the others is more intense. You just have A S3fcJTT to adjust, and acknowledge you are responsible not only for yours but for all the children." A couple with children from a previous marriage starting a new family faces many problems, said Michael Gately, an El Paso clinical social worker and family therapist. Not the least of these is the need for children to adjust to dealing with a new dad or mom. Many of them have some natural resentment, especially during times of discipline, he said.

Another major hurdle is any involvement by a prior spouse, Gately said. A second wife or husband can feel threatened by a former spouse who keeps in touch with the children. "It's very important that couples work on their marital relationship and strengthen it to deal with the many issues they have to face," he said. double date (sort of) with 2 lira By Pianna Marder Philadelphia Inquirer PHILADELPHIA It's a Wednesday night, and you have a date with the most handsome man in New Jersey. Actually it's a double date of sorts the most handsome man in all of Pennsylvania will be there, too.

The three of you will share a casual seafood dinner at DMitri's restaurant and then head for the Baja Beach Club on Delaware Avenue. You perch on the park bench outside the restaurant, won dering which of the men coming down the street might be your guys. You've seen their photographs in Cosmopolitan magazine's fourth annual All About Men issue the one in which obviously overworked editors chose one hunk to represent each state. It's the Ultimate Guy Guide, their Best-Ever Batch of Bachelors. Jim Seymour, Mr.

New Jersey, arrives first. He is so much better than his snapshot. The two of you step outside just in time to catch the arrival of Mr. Pennsylvania, Ronnie Gold, 24. Again, better than his picture.

Turns out Jim, who is 27, only works in Cherry Hill. He grew up in Pittsburgh and got an undergraduate degree from Miami University of Ohio and an M.BA from Pitt. Ronnie has a clearer claim to the Pennsylvania crown born and raised in Philadelphia. His family owns two taverns in town, and now he's opening his own. OK, so you might not get to the orchestra, the opera or the ballet with either of these guys.

Neither reads much. Both watch a TV show called "A Change of Heart." Jim plays acoustic guitar and runs. Ronnie works out with weights. Still, they're sweet. Ronnie swears he's given up his womanizing.

Marriage is a sacred bond, he says. Jim says his ideal woman would have the best qualities of his mother and grandmothers. She'll be vibrant, warmhearted, unselfish and elegant. Cosmo's All About Men edition is on stands now until late September. Charto Fox Philadelphia Inquirer Mr.

New Jersey, 27, left, and Mr. Pennsylvania Ronnie Goiu, 2t, un, photugjaphs in Cosmopolitan..