Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on August 17, 1975 · Page 123
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Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 123

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, August 17, 1975
Page 123
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Page 123 article text (OCR)

My FAVORITE jokes by howARd MANN EDlTOrs NOTE: Howard Mann, who besides entertaining in top dubs has appeared in over 300 commercials, was, in /act, making a commercial in which he played George Washington, when he got the idea to do a characterization of Washington commenting humorously on Revolutionary events. "As soon as / put on the cocked hat, the powdered wig and uniform, I fe/t / was Washington/' he says. "/ couldn't resist kissing the face on dollar bills." Mann will be touring the nation's colleges and convention halls this tall in his version of Washington. He acknowledges his debt to all the Founding Fathers for ideas for his material, especially Ben Franklin, whom he quotes in the act. "Ben's a good writer, and he works cheap," he says. Here is his fictional George Washington: When I went down to the Continental Congress in 1775,1 was the only one wearing a uniform. I wanted to be Commander in Chief. I had worked for the English, learned the business and figured it was time to open up my own country. I made Henry Knox the Major General of Artillery because he had a book on the subject Can you imagine Knox in battle at Boston? With book in hand he would tell his men: "It says you put the cannonball in here, marked A, then put a torch to the wick marked B, then hold hands over ears." We almost lost the battle of Dorchester Heights because the book was overdue at the library. · ' Paul Revere was a problem. He leaned toward the commercial. He ran around saying, "The British are coming, the British are coming--want to buy one of my pots?" · I also believed there was too much democracy among the New England troops. Officers and enlisted men were too chummy and that affected discipline. When an officer gave an order to charge a private would say, "Lieutenant, I would like to charge now but I do have to catch up on my reading and my correspondence and I'm due at a party at 7." · Some of our men were rugged individualists. Two frontiersmen enlisted with Morgan's Riflemen. .One complained: "Zeb, I don't go for this here stuff one dang bit. They give you a gun and makes you shoot people you don't even know." Second man said: "You're dang right. Let's take the guns and go home and shoot people we do know." · In the first years we had few weapons--and about 10 cartridges to a man. We had to figure out other ways to fight--insults, for example. We would cry across the lines, "Hey, Redcoat, Big Ben is 10 minutes slow," · Our nickname for the Redcoats was lobsters. When we ran out of ammunition we'd throw hot butter sauce at them. · Army food was terrible. There were signs saying, "Food is ammunition, don't waste it." One sergeant said: "Let's invite the enemy to dinner." · There was quite a bit of native humor in those days, particularly from my friend Ben Franklin. When the Declaration of Independence came to being signed Franklin was afraid, everyone would be away for the Fourth of July weekend. · I had other vocations before I settled on the military. I once had a short fling in show business. One day I was watching a play by Cato. I was seized by a desire to perform and leaped upon the stage and did a little song. Pandemonium reigned. A woman shrieked, "Drop dead." I turned to her and riposted: "Madam, I don't do requests." MAIL COUPON NOW! MODERN UPHOLSTERY INSTITUTE- Drvisfon of CAREER 4 CRAFT Training;/nternatronal- Boxl64PO 1205 W. Berkley, Orange, Calif. 92669 Ptease send the FREE UPHOLSTERY CAREER BOOK, the FREE SAMPLE LESSON / understand I am under no obligation whatever and am just sending for the free facts on job and career opportunities in Upholstering, Refinijhing « Restyling and the MUi home training programjf^ I understand that no salesman will call. _--e-- Inflation! Earn Big Extra Income; -Spare Time!! i Start Your NEW CAREER NOW At Home! You don't even have to leave home!!! If JM CM* MR MM TfNMf rWL MM kajM -tht JBIMCUK ftp fJWl "!·"·»*» MM As you learn, you just slip into the immense flow of upholstery work! Think of all there isl ... Sofas, lounging chairs finished in beautiful fabrics, which MUI tells you how to get at the right price -even leather and all the new vinyls. And then you have built-ins and breakfast nooks, boats, trailers and all the millions of automobiles in America. Yes, you team all this and more! When we finish teaching you (in your spare time), and when you get our California state approved diploma,, you know this business... as a real professional! You will then have one of the most fantastic money-making skills in America built into your head and hands! No one can ever take this skill away from you ... and no one can ever fire you, because you're : the boss of a business that you can take with you... You can make big money from then on .. .anytime, any place you want' to put out your shingle! ITS AUTOMATION PROOR When you reed tht papers and see there's · strike here. · lockout there. _ Detroit lays off 150,000 m«n. A plant isl shut down and moved out of state. A L nmr automated machine eliminetei 1 5,000 job*. They talk about dislocated^! LEARN-BY-DOING -R E A L FURNITURE KITS INCLUDED WITH YOUR . TRAINING -- NO '\ E X T R A r- \ COST' /' workers and try to do something about tt. Who i... the Mint if you get caught DISCOVER NEW WORLDS OF EXCITEMENT AND INTEREST! Once you havj mastered Upholstery, your lift will never be quite the same! For instance, you'll find yourself carefully looking at many items of "junk furniture." You will leant to look beyond the beat up, stained and torn fabrics... and see the real value in used chain, sofas and similar items, based on style and construction. What may cost you perhaps $3 or $4 at a second hand store may be a superb, hardwood frame, which, in less than a day can be transformed back into a luxurious chair or sofa worth hundreds of dollars! All profits yours to keep- · pays up In one of these situa- 1 tions? When you know v ~ upholstering, life gets very , simple and lots of tun. hYs simple because when there are people, then are upholstery jobs and lots of them. It's fun because life is fun when the. bite are paid and there's money In i the bank, even enough to buy those things you've shnys wanted for yourself. tTTKCMOHMA OFrmiCP*rBHC TOOLS OF THE TMIF WE TOWS-- mjSKAiroWmiKIUTSlflAIIK-- WORTH $300 WHEN COMPLETED IT TOD! To get started, just get the coupon in the mail TODAY! It costs you nothing to get the information and there's no obligation. No salesman is going to call you. This much and this much only, every successful MUI graduate must do for himself--send YOtrUGETABIGILUISTMTED 32 PAGE BOOK ON UPHOLSTERY Mo««rn Upftofet*, Institute, Dfvision of CAREER A CRAFT Training International. Box 164PO Orange, Calif. 92669 in '" """** "* S'u", £? %£% *MAf| ,TUC COUPON ON TOP OF THIS AD FOR FREE UPHOLSTEfty CAREER KIT! 11

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