Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on August 27, 1972 · Page 128
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Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 128

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, August 27, 1972
Page 128
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Page 128 article text (OCR)

My FAVORITE Jokis by HpWARd MANN EDITOR'S NOTE: Ex-adman Howard Mann didn't leave advertising completely behind him when he became a comedian'. He's appeared in over 200 commercials and is glad someone else is writing the copy--"/ wrote 'good to the last drop' and it was rejected by the Otis Elevator Company." He's been on the Griffin and Carson shows, was in the Broadway musical, Golden Rainbow, with Steve Lawrence and Eydie Corme, and entertains at clubs and resorts. He likes fantasy material, as his musings illustrate: "This is how we all begin as comedians: something happens to us when we're young that leaves a big impression. I was 77 years old and I was in love with a large philodendron--and there was a problem--/ think I gave too much. I put it in the corner with a lot of sun, extra water, plant food, and one day the philodendron began to turn on me. Now at night when the sun goes down photosynthesis is over and plants take in oxygen. Well the plant that I fed so wonderfully began to compete for my oxygen --it got harder and harder for me to breathe and one day I said, 'this is it,' I watered the plant with ginger ale and it burped to death!" Here is more of Mann's fantasy and some jokes: I am a great gourmet. For example, here are a few of the dishes I've created in my own kitchen. 1 make a wonderful appetizer of stuffed peas. I take a French pea--a petit pois--and I stuff it with a leg of lamb. I've also concocted Eggs Howard which are scrambled eggs served on a flaming sword. Then I have my ow/j recipe for Caf6 Howardo. To make this you take French roasted beans and you grind them very, very fine. You take the grounds and you put them in a woolen argyle sock. Then you take boiling water and you pour the water over the grounds letting the water go from the sock into the pot below. Now when the coffee has finally dripped into the pot you take your foot out of the sock! · I've traveled all over the globe. I was in Rome and I saw tourists throwing coins in that famous fountain, and I said, "Cheapskates throwing coins in the fountain." And I threw in a check. · . From Rome I went to Israel. Colda Meir is Prime Minister and it's very interesting how that's changed Israel psychologically. For the first time in history a Jewish mother has taken over a whole country. Everybody is strangely guilty and they don't know why. And on the coin is Golda Meir's picture and where- as we say, "E Pluribus Unum," the motto there is, "It Never Hurts to Call Your Mother." · I married a girl who was extremely demanding; a week never went by that she didn't demand something to eat. She had a strange sense of humor. She'd go to funerals and try to cheer up widows. But she'd say the "wrong thing. Once she said, "Well, at least you know where he is tonight!" · There's a difference between humor offstage and onstage. Now I used to tell a story that happened to me as a kid. It always gets laughs offstage, onstage it doesn't. I was going to my senior prom with a girl. I was 16 and at the end of the evening I kissed her goodnight. It was maybe the fourth kiss in my life and I was very excited so I invited her to senior class night the following week. It was a dramatic show and just as important as the senior prom. At the end of the evening I took her home and tried to kiss her goodnight, and she said, "You think every night is prom night?" · I'm very adept at meeting - */omen, largely because I never hesitate to make the grand gesture. I was at a restaurant the other day, I called over the waitress because I had spotted a young lady I wanted to meet. I said, "Garconette, send a prune danish to that table." · I was a normal kid interested in baseball. Then I entered adolescence--I started to get pimples. Well, they used to recommend yeast for acne. They used to have a diagram of the alimentary canal showing how the yeast would cure acne. It didn't help mine but a strange thing happened--my head rose. · * A guy sees his friend on the street. He says, "Joe, I haven't seen you in years, what are you doing?" Joe says, "Well I got a hobby, I collect bees." "Bees! They'll sting you." "Well, I keep them in the attic." "But they'll come down from the attic and sting you." "I'll put em in a jar." "They'll fly out of the jar, come down and sting you." "I'll put a cover over the jar." "They'll suffocate." "I'll put holes in the cover." "They'll fly out of the holes and sting you." "I'll put paper over the holes." "Then they'll suffocate." Joe says, "The heck with it, it's only a hobby." IT'S To Luiqh ). MARKOW "This is absolute top secret. Who would be the right man to leak it to the press?" C. DAY B. LEVINE "And another thing, let's knock it off with that 'and -l-want-to-make-this-perfectly-clear' routine!" 23

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