Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on June 27, 1976 · Page 131
Get access to this page with a Free Trial
Click to view larger version

Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 131

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, June 27, 1976
Page 131
Start Free Trial

Page 131 article text (OCR)

My FAVORITE jokes by bob EDITOR'S NOTE: You may be familiar with Bob Melvin; he's the comedian who continually asks his audience, "Have you got a minute?" and explains that he has a special rating system for audiences. "No performer," he says, "could do a good show without a good ' audience, and you can do a bad show because of a bad audience. Once I. took off 20 points because the audience was tired. Later I found out why. It's a typical occurrence: A couple came into the club--it was a big, spacious one--and when they finally got seated up front, the wife said she needed cigarettes. The husband went all the way back to the front lobby and got the cigarettes. Then the wife said: 'I'm chilly/ The husband got up, had to go all the way back to the checkroom to get her sweater. When he sat down again, she said: 'Let's dance.' He said: 'I'm tired.' She said: 'That's why I don't like to go but with you. You're always tired!' "Now, as I do with every audience before I go, I'd like to give you a rating. Sixty-five is a passing mark. Now with readers.. .." Bob Melvin has appeared in top clubs: Caesars Palace, Las Vegas; Latin _ Casino, Cherry Hill, NJ.; the Nugget in Reno, Nev.; Harrah's, Lake Tahoe, Nev. Here are some of his jokes: Lots of people believe in astrology and horoscopes. They believe that the heavenly bodies influence human behavior. It's a fact that when there's a full moon people act differently: the crime rate goes up--which is reasonable; it's easier for muggers to see. I had an astrologer do a chart on me. He advised me to go into show business, said I'd become the second-best-known performer in the whole world. And till this day he feels he was right. He explains by saying there are too many performers who feel they are number one. · I live so close to Kennedy Airport that when the radar wasn't working one night the control tower called and begged me to leave my bedroom light on. It's frightening to sit in your own living room and see a sign flash on: "No Smoking." I always fly tourist. I sit in back of the plane because I noticed one thing: when the front of the plane lands, the back comes in- right after it. And for the extra few bucks--what's my rush? · I wanted to get a hairpiece because I saw these advertisements where you're able to go golfing, swimming, boating --which is great, because I can't do those things now! · · During the hot weather I keep the windows of my car closed, and everyone thinks I've got air conditioning. · A lol of people are going away on package tours. They don't quite understand the restrictions. For instance, there was one advertisement: 15 days, $325 of sightseeing. What that really means is if you want to use the hotels and restaurants you see. it's extra. · My friend invested a thousand and made a thousand. That's right, invested $1000 and then he made 1000 phone calls to find out what the hell happened to his $1000. · I went into one of those fast food places. It had a sign in the window: "$1.25, you eat like a pig." To eat like a person, it cost $12. · My son is taking pre-law in college and it's frightening the way his mind works. He wants my wife and me to break up so he can practice. · Can anyone tell me when a kid stops being a kid? My youngest kid is six foot one, weighs 185 pounds and sleeps in the kitchen so he can be near the refrigerator. Maybe it'll stop when he goes to college. · I went to return a clock radio and the woman at the complaint department asked: "What's wrong with it?" I said: "The clock isn't working." She said: "What are you worrying about? The radio gives you the time every seven minutes." ... saves your Roses, Shrubs, Trees and Plants Or Double your Money Back. Your shrubbery, flowers, trees and planls are a big investment. It's not just the money. Think ol the stooping to work them . cultivating . . . weeding . . . watering. To lei animals loul your plants alter all you've put into them -- or kill them dead -doesn't make sense. Protect your property with inexpensive Scent-Off wax buds. Scent-Off drives animals away month after month. You won't even notice it's t h e r e . . . yet Scent-Off stops animal fouling of plants, garbage cans, elc. It stops evergreen-shrubbery losses, and other valuable plant losses. It prevents noxious odors from accumulating animal waste. Repellent Scent-Oil wax buds come on flexible "Twist-Ons." They go on in a jiffy, stay put for months. Stay on guard night and day, through rain. heal. cold. No spray. No powder No liquid. Can't wash oil. Harmless. Nothing like 'em. So good they do the job or double your money back! Look For Scent-Off In Leading Stores Coast to Coast Package of one dozen wax buds only $1.29 or use coupon for BIG 160 Tablet Package of Tomato Plantabbs® or Rose Plantabbs® These are the tablets known the world over for last yet safe feeding of plants. Easy to use, just drop one or two tablets into the soil at root areas. Plantabbs go to work at once. Tomato formula assures not just bigger but tastier, meatier tomatoes. Rose formula means more and healthier blooms. Try 'em! The Plantabbs name and guarantee are your assurance of satisfaction. SUPER ] SPECIAL! · Complete Kit for Hiking Fascinating, Permanently Beautiful Floral Pictures and Greeting Cards! Example of Floral Picture wall plaque. Be original! Be clever! Save real money too. Get this complete k« and make distinctive 5 x 7 inch lloral pictures framed under glass. It's easy and tun. Anyone can do «. To make flower pictures or plaques that self for $7.95 to S9.95 EACH In stores, dry some flowers with Flower Drl* Silica Get included in kH. Then display flowers under glass ol 5 x 7" frames and Ihoy'ro ready lor wall or dressor. Here's another Idea. Make totally different, floral greeting or get well cards. Just dry a few flowers with Flower Dri in kit and display under the unbreakable, clear plastic domes in let. Envelopes included, tool Once you have this kit containing reusable Flower Orf* Silica Gel, you can make all sorts of unique things at next to no cost. Flower Dri' NEVER WEARS OUTI Order Rower Drl« "Posfe Kit" with frames. Regularly SB.50. Now $3.25. This offer will be withdrawn. · Made to sell for $£.50. Reduced to halt-price (only $3.25) while quantities lastl REG. $1.19 EACH YOUR CHOICE OF 160 PACKAGE OF ROSETABBSOR TOMATO TABBS FREE With purchase of 40 Buds ol Scent-Oft only S2.85 postpaid. Send S2.85 lor Scont-Offplus your choice ot Hose or Tomato Food. __ Use coupon for delivery to^our door TO: Dept. 5063, Planlabba I Luthervllle, Mvyland 21093 Please send me the following on your money-back guarantee: LJ One pkgo. of Scent-Off "Twist-Ons" containing 12 wax buds @J1.29 postage paid, (Plonlabbs tablets are not froe with this order.) I--I One pkgo. olScont.G1t"Twist-Ons"conlaininp 40 ftorty) wax buds @S2.85 postage paid. Plnaso* check your choice of FREE Plantabbs tablets: n Rose tablets G Tomato tablets L] Flower Drl Posto Kit. Includes ro-usablo Flower Dri Silica Gel. two 5x7 frames. 4 decorated mat cards, plastic domes, 4 envelopes, colorful book. Reduced to only $3.25 postpaid! lencloiej . . Check Money Ord. NAME ADDRESS CITY.. . . ,^ STATE ZIP .J

Get full access with a Free Trial

Start Free Trial

What members have found on this page