Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on June 16, 1974 · Page 84
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Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 84

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, June 16, 1974
Page 84
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The June Bug What with graduations and gardens and weddings coming up, it puts the bite on more than just fathers of the brides. BY John Ed Pearce HAVE you looked outside lately? It's June, baby, the month of moon, spoon, tune and croon, not to mention honeymoon, which means it is the month of brides. More brides occur in June than in any other month, possibly because they're out of school and don't have anything else to do, perhaps because their intended breadwinners have graduated and are thus ready to take on debt, yard work, two- o'clock feedings and other benefits of married bliss. Of course, some of our .young people - these.days^aw^taking honeymoons w them t^theringiabout wedding preliminaries. This does not sit well withj x -, florists^ wedding-gown salesmen, ·...' makers of domestic champagne and agencies that rent shiny tuxedos. It seldom sits well with mothers, who are thus deprived of a chance to get a new dress and cry or even with fathers, who ought to be glad to avoid the bills but aren't. Not that a free-lance honeymoon is necessarily cheap. It often leads to marriage, with the inevitable wedding and a formal, if second, honeymoon, as many a married man can attest. It is thus doubly expensive. Indeed, there are those who say that nothing is more expensive than free love, June is also the month for June bugs. Actually. I don't know whether they still have June bugs. They did when I was a boy. They were pretty and green and, like June brides, easy to catch. Unlike June brides, they · were easy to get rid of: just open your hand and off they buzzed to a flower or something. And, unlike June brides, they were harmless. They did not cry, get terrible headaches or ask for credit cards. The trick with a June bug was to tie a string to its leg and let it fly around, reeling it back in when you wanted to show it off. This is not so easy to do with a June bride. They tend to get a string on you, and reel you back in after they've let you fly around a little. And June bugs tend to fade away after June is gone. June brides linger on, becoming mommies, PTA members and secretaries of ladies' clubs which clutter up the living room when you want to watch the TV. Poets tend to go overboard about June, writing about what is so rare as a day in June (a lot of things are, since 8m CHARLESTON, H. VA. there are 30 June days every year). These lines are read by kids in the middle of February, which makes them more snarly than usual. Then, when June finally arrives,, they find it isn't as rare as the poet said. Vacation begins, but vacation, they discover, is the brief period between the time kids discover they don't have to do anything and the time their mother discovers they don't have anything to do. She thereupon hustles them off to camp or puts them to work: This tends "to make kids view poets poorly. June is the month when college people, as well as brides, are loosed on the citizenry, which makes it a dangerous month. June is, in fact, a hazardous time. World War I started in "June. So did the Normandy invasion oi WWII. The Battle of Bunker Hill was fought in June, and in June Watergate busted out all over In Bulgaria, they observe Hristo Bevo Day, in honor of a Bulgarian hero who died fighting the Turis. It is a biggie for Bulgarians, though this is probably cold comfort to poor Hristo. June is tough on fathers. It is, for example, National Rose Month, and a lot. of addle-headed fathers who have lost some of their enthusiasm for their June brides take up rose growing, which is just as frustrating and almost as expensive. They invest in peat moss and fertilizer, rose dust and sprays. They mumble words like hybrid tea and floribunda, and spend their afternoons fighting aphids. which always win, and inhaling poisons which make them sick but do not affect the bugs, black spot, mildew or blight. There is one good thing, though, about rose-raising; it makes bride-raising seem pleasant by comparison. June is a big time for observing things. Dodge City observes it past . with the.Long Branch Saloon Variety Show, complete with Miss Kitty. Hawaii observes Kamehameha Day, in honor of its first king, offering hotel keepers a chance to throw luaus for '. which the tourists are charged triple prices instead of the usual double prices. June 2-9 is Girl Watching Week, which is observed by observing girls; This, needless to say, is a dangerous pastime, and often enables the watched girls to become June brides. Flag Day is observed on June 14, and millions of fathers traipse to the attic and bring out the Stars and Stripes. The fathers climb on ladders to attach the flags to the front of the house.and half of them fall off the ladders, eliciting screams from the kiddies and muffled laughter from the former June brides-. This makes fathers regret that they ever thought of June brides. It also makes June 15 National Knot on the Head Day. June 16 is also the day they hold flag rising ceremonies at Jamestown, Virginia, in observance of Captain John Smith's settlement, which was his big hobby before he met Pocahontas. June 15 is the occasion of the National Hollerin' Contest in Spivey's Corner, N:C., which is one of the more unnecessary days. People holler enough in June as it is. Kids catch poison ivy or are stung by bees, and they holler. Mothers face the prospect of having them around all summer and if they can find time.they scream a little. . College graduates holler about the jobs they are offered, and employers holler about the college graduates they are offered. Small boys holler because they are sent off to summer camp, or because they can't go to camp with the other kids. Girls holler because there aren't any cute boys at the club. Fathers holler more than -most. They holler because they^cah'i get boys to cut the grass. They holler because roses have thorns that stick them. They holler because the golf course is crowded. They holler because the living room is full of louts courting tfieir daughters, or because the living room is not full of'louts and · their daughters are;moping about it. They holler because their daughter . has decided to get married in a bikini on a surf board.Or they holler because she has decided on a bigj:nurch wedding which will cost a bundle. They holler because she is marrying a bum who will never support her, Or they holler because she is marrying a rich bum whose family is stuck-up. It is a bad time for fathers, and to worse, June 16 is Father's Day, which is the occasion for giving dear old Dad ties which he will not wear and fishing gear he cannot use because he has to cut the grass or give away another daughter. He is apt to conclude that June is not so rare. Brides, on the other hand, consider it very rare, indeed, and make the most of it. Go thou and do likewise. 16,1974 Sunday Vaz'eKe-Mail

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