Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on July 13, 1975 · Page 127
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Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 127

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, July 13, 1975
Page 127
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Page 127 article text (OCR)

My (AVOH'ITE jokes by Rip TAyloR ECHTOTSNOTE: Rip Tay/or's first job as a US. Senate page and a subsequent degree in political science may well have prepared him for a career in comedy. Rip's appeared on the ma/or TV shows, Carson, Doug/as, Dean Martin, was a'regu/ar on the Phyllis Oilier Show, and performs in top dubs. Though he wears a wig, he makes no secret of his baldness and has even gone so far as to form an organization ca//ed Tl/PE Troup--Toupees Under* ground for the Preservation of the Environment. TUPFs premise is based on research which concludes that air pollution causes baldness. Offstage Rip is known for his gourmet cooking. "A gourmet," he says, "is somebody who complains about the cheese dip at a swinging party." Here are some of Rip Tay/or's jokes: Yesterday was such a bad day. My twin sister forgot my birthday. · 1 just had a fascinating conversation. I was trying to explain what a shampoo is to Telly Savalas. . · I give Kojak a lot of credit. He's the only man I know who keeps his hat on with a suction cup! · I'm fascinated by Beverly Hills. Where else can you .buy a pocket calculator that comes with unlisted numbers? · Where else but in America can .you watch a Bicentennial Minute sponsored by a Dutch oil company on a Japanese TV set. · Shrewd merchandising is when you charge 10 cents extra for cracked eggs --and call them "pre-broken." J. FARRIS "Everything's expensive/ / wonder // you can get a mortgage on this." I have a pair of brown and white shoes. The brown one fits great, but the white one pinches. · I never get lucky in restaurants. I opened my fortune cookie last night, and in it was the check for the guy next to me. I said, "Hey Buddy, I got your check," and he said, 'Thanks." · There's a new face cream for people over 40. It makes them look younger by giving them acne. · · · I have a psychotic owl that goes "Why? Why?" · Inflation: The price of silver has gone up, but the Lone Ranger still refuses to sell. · A budget is when your money has stretch marks. · A man died and nobody wanted to say a good word for him at his funeral. They couldn't even get the local clergymen to say anything good. So they sent to the next town for a clergyman and they said: "Would you please say something nice about this guy*The clergyman said: "His brother was worse!" · If at first you do succeed--it's probably your father's business. · We were so poor, in our neighborhood the rainbow was in black and white. · I went with my girl for six months and then she gave me the air. I said to her. "What's the matter, is there somebody else?" She looked at me and said, "There must be." iwntennial Sew a bit of American history in a quilt. Piece a Rail Fence quilt in memory of that famous rail splitter, Abe Lincoln. Or you may prefer to applique Washington's Plume. - . ' , These and many more quilts are in PARADE'S "Bicentennial Quilts - book. They reflect places and people that are part of our history. Patterns and directions for 16 quilts in all-12 pieced, 4 appliqued-are inducted in this collection. Here you will find Wandering Foot, Prairie Queen, Road to California, Independence Square, Lady in the White House, Pnscilla Alden, the Harrison Quilt, General Sherman's Quilt. You will find quilting designs for alternate plain blocks and borders; patterns for pieced borders and a special section with general directions for making a quilt, incorporating the best of the old-time techniques and the more modern^ Send your name, address, zip code and $1 plus 25* for postage ·· MHu. and handling in cash, check or money order for each copy of "BkaSnnUhQuite" to PARADE, P.O. Box 475, Dept 21, Radio City Station, New York, N.Y. 10019. 19

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