Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on July 23, 1972 · Page 92
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Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 92

Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, July 23, 1972
Page 92
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""""'"" ······················ ····-···.-.·--.·....«« unmistakably I I I 5 3 i POLYESTER KNIT Pack and go in polyester and you can forget about your wrinkles and washing worries. Beautifully seamed and shaped and it even has its own pin! Missy Sizes 10 to 20 · GREEN* BLACK · BLUE 20. HALF SIZCS i BLACK* BLUE I1 Embees, 214 Capitol St., Charleston, W. Vo. | j Please send me POLYESTER KNIT |{ !n Color 2nd Color Choice....'. .Size $1 gJNAME .., || ADDRESS '.'''' llCITY CT ::^L__ (please add 60 C state tax) CHARLESTON^W. V^T* 2m Papa Can't Win! By Robert DiBartoionreo My family is composed of a wife, daughter, son, dog, cat, and a pair of guinea pigs. My daughter is 12. Anyone who has a female offspring that age knows -what that means. Lizzy has musical ability inherited no doubt from her mother, because I am tone deaf. She does well in school, is mildly athletic, and cant decide whether to be a geologist or a violin virtuoso. Her nickname used to be "The Lizard" which went well with my son's call name "The Toad." But, since she embarrasses quite easily these days, that name is rarely used anymore. She spends much of her time mooning about, thinking of that wonderful time less than a year away when she win enter junior high school and become a teen-ager. Somehow she has become convinced that those years bold some hidden delight. Then I suppose Lizzy will have to go, and he replaced with Elizabeth, Bethy, Belli, or Beth Ann-YIt! This sterling child also has a princess complex. Translated, this means that she is convinced periodically that she should have been born to the purple. When this "mood sets in she does absolutely nothing. Her room is not picked up, her rug remains unswept, and clothes lie strewn about the floor with gay abandon. If anything in the house is missing, from a comb to a screwdriver, it can be found in her room--somewhere. When she is a princess then all other members of the .family are either lackeys or ladies-in-waiting. This usual* ly goes on until her mother intervenes or I thunder "This room will be cleaned NOW!" Such commands elicit torrents of tears, but eventually the room is cleaned. My children receive an allowance--a practice which my father abhorred. He said to me that "they never did it in the old country and I won't pay my child for living. If you want money earn it." So I conned it out of my mother until the local newspaper hired me to deliver its journal. My wife is not of Italian extraction and in the Anglo- Saxon circles in which she grew up, allowances were perfectly respectable. Unknown to me, the matter was settled: $1.00 a. week would be paid. I had the satisfaction of repeating what my father told me, slightly altered to fit the circumstances, hut the allowances stood. Now, this allowance is a dole, and in the microcosm which is our world, it is the equivalent of a welfare payment. As in toe larger world. it doesn't go very far, and the children still are usually without funds. Tony, my son, follows in my footsteps and is content to cadge money from his mother utilizing the old saw about advances. Currently, he owes about eight weeks' worth. His sister usually works out some intricate Business venture, which generally costs me money too. Her abortive attempts at becoming a capitalist have teen going on for some time. Last year's project flooded the neighborhood with scouring pads made from a rough nylon net. Tins ended because the material scratched Lizzy's fingers and her cheap labor supply, h e r b r o t h e r , f o u n d something better to do. We have also tried hot pads and rock candy, unsuccessfully, and in May, 1972, the great breeding scheme was unveiled. Lizzy somehow saved e few dollars, went to the local five-and-ten-cent store with her mother, and bought s guinea pig w h i c h she promptly named "Myron." When you buy one of them, the animal only costs $3.00, but you also need a cage, floor covering, special food--which looks like bird seed--a water bottle, and even delectable guinea pig "yummies." I don't have to tell you who paid the difference between the saved money and the actual cost of $15.00. Since sixth grade students take sex education, Lizzy knew something about breeding these animals: Put tbe male and the female in the same cage for a while and presto--babies. She immediately talked her brother into buying a female. Of course, his money came bom an allowance advance. My wife supplied it, not me, and Myron acquired a mate, "Poppy." Unfortunately, none of us know very much about genetics and "Poppy" is an albino. We still don't know if she is fertile. Daily, "my daughter checks the animal for the appearance of feeding apparatus, which according to the guinea pig book is a sign of impending birth. Tony won't do it because he is too embarrassed. On July 1, Myron and Poppy were separated because her time could come any moment after that. Another cage was acquired, which means more money spent. , Will we soon be up to our armpits in guinea pigs? / Will I have to take two more Jobs to support my daughter as a capitalist? · I have a sinking feeling that the answers to both of those questions may be "Yes!" Sunday Gazette-Mail

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