Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia on July 16, 1972 · Page 153
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July 16, 1972

Sunday Gazette-Mail from Charleston, West Virginia · Page 153

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Charleston, West Virginia
Issue Date:
Sunday, July 16, 1972
Page:
Page 153
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Page 153 article text (OCR)

My Favorite Jokes by Jackie Clark EDITOR'S NOTE: Strange things happened to tackle Clark when he left home. First he had to contend with the Army at a special time in its history. "When / was in the Army things were slow--I could lell just how slow when I received my draft papers. On the bottom were the letters R.S.V.P., and then 'P.5. recep- t;on will follow.'" When he decided to go into show business he hired a very innovative agent who's been with him ever since. "My agent really is a nut," says Jackie, "because after the success of Hair, the Beatles album cover, and the new cinema, he said I should become the first nude comic. 'You're kidding, I'm too bashful,' I told him. 'Besides, I've been told too much exposure isn't good!' Well, I made sure to give my agent 10 percent of my unemployment checks. He created the situation so I figured he was entitled to it." tackle Clark has worked in top night spots--The Riviera, Las Vegas; Harrah's in Reno; the Carson and Frost shows on television, and will make occasional appearances on the ABC Corner Bar series. Here are more of his jokes,some of which continue his weird autobiography: I want to tell you about a strange experience I had when I was only 10 years old. My parents were kidnapped. The day after I received a phone call from the kidnappers telling me what to do. We didn't have a phone so they called me at the corner candy store--and they were a cheap bunch--they reversed the charges. They said they wanted $10,000 for my mother and $10,000 for my father, but if I acted at once I could have them both for $19,999. · I have an uncle who goes into crazy businesses and he always goes bankrupt. The last business he went into he sold damaged bowling balls--there were no holes in them! · When I was a kid we didn't have a radio or TV set in the house. My father believed a piece of furniture should be quiet and mind its own business. · Picasso was mugged in Central Park. Police asked him to identify the mugger. Well, he couldn't so they asked him if he would make a sketch. He did--they arrested a nun, the Eiffel Tower, and a television set. · With automation coming up real fast, they have machines today that will do almost anything. At the Los Angeles airport I saw a machine which read, "Manicure, 25 cents." So I put in a quarter, stuck my hands in and when I pulled them out I had a beautiful manicure. Next to it there was another machine which read, "Haircut, 50 cents," so I put in two quarters, stuck my head in, and when I pulled it out I had a beautiful haircut. Next to it there was another machine which read, 'This machine will do what your wife will do." So I puckered up my lips stuck them in the machine and when I pulled them out the machine had sewn a button on them. I've got a foreign sports car that not only gets 50 miles to the gallon but when we're in heavy traffic it runs on the fumes of other cars. · In a New York cemetery there is a stone erected by a man still living who wants to be sure that the pertinent details will be on the stone when he's dead. It has his name, birth date, a blank for the date of death and--"Bowled 300 in 1968." · My cousin's a real mamma's boy. When he went on his honeymoon his mother sewed name tapes into his clothes. · A man walked into a travel agency to buy a steamship ticket. "To where?" the travel agent asked. "Oh, yes, to where--to where," the man pondered. "Have you got a globe of the world?" The travel agent handed him a globe. The man turned the globe around and around looking at all the countries and continents. He looked at it for 20 minutes and said, "Pardon me, haven't you got anything else?" · An Arab and an Israeli are very friendly. It's before the Six Day War. They meet on the street and the Israeli says, "Hasmir, how are you?" "Fine," he says. "Are you married now, Hasmir?" "Yes," Hasmir answers. "Well, where's the wife?" the Israeli asks. "Not one wife," says Hasmir, "six. They're walking behind me." The Israeli exclaims, "Hasmir, this is the 20th century. You shouldn't have wives walking behind you." "No," Hasmir insists, "my wives walk behind me!" They meet again after the war and the Israeli says, "Hasmir, how are you and your wives?" Hasmir says, 'There they are walking in front of me." "Great, Hasmir! Welcome to the 20th century." "What 20th century?" says Hasmir, "land mines!" V. SHIRVANIAN "Can you keep a top-secret?" It's to Laugh 0. OREHEK "She said her very first word today at the department store . . . CHARGE!" C. DOLE "Voi/'re agreeing with me just to get out of admitting I'm right!" c. DAY "Dudley, you're a true friend." 19

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