The Atlanta Constitution from Atlanta, Georgia • 36

E4 1 Ehf Atlanta Imtrnal A'D COSSTnTTlON JANUARY 1 6, 1 991 i 1 rMn v. -Ar Explaining war to children: Be reassuring but honest i ij Louie FavoriteStaff 1 Rashidah Bowen prepares to answer a question during a discussion of the Middle East in her social studies class at Winnona Park Elementary School. War: Dialogue helps children fearful of losing loved ones 1 By Bo Emerson Staff writer "Dear President Bush," mote the first-grade student. "All I want is the soldiers not to have to go to war. Your friend Betsy." The president's friend, Betsy Banks-Root, like other students at Winnona Park Elementary School, knows that the world is on the brink of battle.

"I'm really scared," Betsy says, "because one of my friend's uncles might have to go, and my mom knows somebody that might have to go." For. the parents and teachers of these children, explaining the impending war in the Persian Gulf is no easy task. "It's a hard question," says Betsy's teacher, Deborah Miller. "One of my roles as their teacher is to take them seriously when they talk about it." "The trick is to give them the reassurance you can legitimately give them without being false in that reassurance," says Sherri W. Born-stein, a clinical psychologist who practices in north Atlanta and specializes in working with couples and families.

"Also, you want to give them the time to express their feelings, without hurrying them in hopes of getting them quickly past it." Consider child's age Therapists urge parents to gear their answers to the age of the child. Children younger than 7 are most concerned with safety: Parents should explain that the trouble is happening in a distant country and that the child is in no immediate danger. Older children need to understand why countries fight and will want more information. Older children also need help distinguishing between war and television's violent dramatics, said Jerome L. Singer, a psychology professor at Yale University and co-director of Yale's Family Television Research and Consultation Center.

"It's all very abstract to them to them war is just another show," he says. "So you have a problem in trying to communicate the real seriousness of this." Children might see international conflict as "exciting and fun, particularly if we're winning," the psychologist added. While taking care not to frighten the child, parents should "stress that war in itself is a bad thing, and a lot of innocent people who don't want to be fighting are being hurt," Dr. Singer says. Counter TVs effect Unfortunately, children "are drenched in an unprecedented amount of television violence every day, war or no war," said George Gerbner, communications professor at the University of Pennsylvania.

Cartoon decapitations and action-show carnage convince children that violence is not only rampant in the world, but also is an appropriate solution to problems, Dr. Gerbner says. Research indicates that television violence makes children more fearful and more aggressive, and the Middle East hostilities will exacerbate that problem, he adds. To counteract that effect, "Parents should suggest that there are better ways, that fighting is a last resort, but that sometimes it can't be avoided," says James Fowler, a professor at the Candler School of The-ology in Atlanta. These' television-desensitized children may appear to be taking the Persian Gulf crisis in stride, but parents should realize that such events can be very frightening for young people.

Research in the 70s and '80s revealed that children have deep worries about nuclear war, and though nuclear tensions may have eased, many children will connect the nuclear threat with the conflict overseas. The right to have fears "They have heard mention of us having the bomb and speculate whether Saddam Hussein has the bomb," Dr. Fowler says. "If you can certify children's right to have fears and not try to cover them up, it's a very healthy thing." With older children age 7 and above parents should feel free to discuss their own worries. "Share your fears," Dr.

Gerbner says. "Don't try to protect them. If you do, their imagination could probably run to worse things than you could tell them." Parents also can share their political beliefs, the media analyst says. "If you're opposed to the war, say that you're against it," Dr. Gerbner says.

"Say 'I'm trying to do something to stop If you're in favor of it, say why the values you hold seem to justify it You can take advantage of the situation to educate children." TV's greater impact Though we've been exposed to televised combat before from the Vietnam era to the Panama invasion some psychologists say any current conflict would have much greater impact, because of the huge U.S. involvement and intense media coverage. "We're showing these Persian Gulf soldiers up front and on a daily basis," Dr. Singer says. "It will make it difficult for adults not to mention children to tolerate the casualties." For this reason, young children should not be allowed to see news footage of combat.

"That will create nightmares," Dr. Singer says. Older children should have restricted viewing only; they should be accompanied by their parents, and parent-child discussion should follow any broadcast. Maj. Frederick Garland, a child psychologist at the Eisenhower Army Medical Center at Fort Stewart, says children also should be taught that families can cope with war and loss, despite broadcasts of grieving and worried relatives.

"Don't get the idea that the appropriate reaction is always going to be to fall apart," he says, suggesting that children should "see some of the families who are pulling together, who are helping one another out." MSter (Fred) Rogers and his friends King Friday XIII and Daniel Striped Tiger have produced a television spot to reassure children that they wOl still be loved if there is a war. Can you say comfort? Mr. Rogers offers some friendly advice ByDrewJubera Staff writer The calmest, gentlest voice in children's TV, will now be reassuring preschoolers that tHey 11 be taken care of if there is a war. Rogers, the World's Nicest Grownup for almost 25 years on PBS's "Mister has produced a that will air starting today, before tiidjifter children's programs on public TV. Tjjspot is in response to the possibility of ann the Middle East.

It features two of his sSjw's characters, King Friday XIII and Striped Tiger. They talk about how Bafy war can be for kids, but that no matter happens, they'll still be loved. fMr. Rogers has also produced a spot for prents and care givers, to be shown on PBS Stations between evening shows. It encourages adults to talk and listen to children pbout fears they may have about war.

"The most important question in a young child's mind is, 'Who will take care of he tells adults. "We adults need to be very clear as we talk with our children about any difficult, time that they will always have someone to care for their needs." i The spots will air locally on WGTVChan-nel 8 and WPBAChannel 30. "The most we can do is reassure children they'll be taken care of," Mr. Rogers says. "The most important thing is that parents listen to their children.

We have to listen before we know their concerns." Mr. Rogers was approached about doing these spots last Thursday by Jeff Gable, PBS's director of children's programming. "As the mood in Washington grew somber, I began to think about all the TV news Coverage and talk among families, and how preschoolers would be reacting to this worrisome attitude," Mr. Gable says. "So I called fred.

We always turn to Fred in difficult, stressful times." The 60-second spots were the quickest way to get something on the air. Mr. Rogers wrote the scripts last Friday and taped them Tuesday. Mr. Gable says PBS is also trying to finalize a special addressing the war-related concerns of 7- to 11 -year-olds.

He says it Could air as soon as next week. This is not the first time Mr. Rogers has to a major event. He produced a 30-minute special following the assassination in 1968 of Robert Kennedy. Dr.

Martin puttier King Jr. had been murdered only 'months earlier. The show talked to children Confused about the grief their parents might Jbe going through. i He produced a similar show in 1981 following the assassination attempt on President Reagan. He also produced a show five years ago about resolving disputes peacefully.

Ironically, he says, it was repeated in October, after the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait and troop buildup in the Persian Gulf. I flit's important children have continuity, jdthey can have people like me they can '4oijnt on every day. The world doesn't give jtjprfl much of that," Mr. Rogers says. "If all happens is that these spots encourage and parents to talk about what itRey're feeling and thinking, then I rejoice." Continued from El Kessler, who teaches sixth-graders at Pine one thing that impressed me the most is they're concerned about human life everywhere.

They're concerned about the people in Kuwait." On Tuesday her 11 -year-olds debated why Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and whether the United States should respond with force. One child said yes, another wearing a T-shirt commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King birthday said no, that U.S. officials should respond to the situation non-violently, as Dr. King would have done.

Students split on war At North Fulton High School At-' lanta's magnet school for international studies students' opinions were equally diverse. "Those with friends or relatives over there don't think we should be there," said Amanda Blumenthal, a senior studying Arabic, who spent a summer in Egypt. "I think we should be there. Nobody wants a war, but I do think Saddam Hussein is a person who needs to be stopped." Kimberly Gamble, student body president, who also studied in Cairo, disagreed. "I don't think we should take any offensive action against Saddam" without giving sanctions time to work, she said.

North Fulton students who share her sentiments showed their anti-war feelings Tuesday by wearing black armbands. During morning announcements, they played excerpts from Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech, reminding students of his legacy of nonviolence. A recent national survey of 110,000 students showed that 60 percent of elementary and high school students support sending U.S. troops to the Middle East.

Younger kids express fears For younger children, school officials say, the concern is whether they will be safe at home. And for those with relatives who may be swept into war; the fear is whether they will come back alive. "They're asking, what will happen to my father if war breaks out questions which we, of course, don't always' have the answer to," said Barbara Bounds Selby, director of student assistance programs for Cobb County schools. Experts help younger kids To respond to those concerns, her; school system has enlisted the help of professional counselors and therapists to lead support groups at each of 82 schools. In addition, teachers are preparing to deal with unusual behavior problems, growing anxieties and other "separation issues." Other schools are gearing up to prot vide crisis intervention counseling should war break out.

At Pine Ridge; Jessica B. Warren met Tuesday after-; noon with six elementary school students whose mothers or fathers are in the Persian Gulf. "They're very concerned about their parents," she said. "They keep! hearing that everyone else seems concerned, and that's overwhelming, they can never forget the situation." Even those who don't have parerits there have received letters from men: and women in Operation Desert Shield through Operation Pine Ridge a let-: ter-writing campaign that started last fall. ft "Many of them write to the service men on a weekly basis, so no one is left untouched," Mrs.

Warren "Whether it's someone in their family; a friend, a neighbor or the service per-: son they've corresponded with ey- eryone is affected." Staff writers Angela Tuck, dette Burden, John Blake and Doiif Cumming contributed to this story v-. CHILDREN STEPPARENTS i Complications of blending families are best solved by plenty of time and love PARER Step Family Association is ceri tainly one group you will want to get in touch with. The phone number is 299-6918. Marianne Daniels Garber, Ph.D., Stephen W. Garter, Ph.D., and Robyn Freedman Spizman Parenting tip It is not too early to think about summer plans since many camps are registering now.

Talk to other parents, involve your child in the decision and begin to look into summer activities. DEAR PARENTING: Please jielp. I am finding it very difficult ijo find literature, support groups, parenting information, to cover my situation. I do jtjfvi a very good counselor and vpi)d like to enhance the coun-isefing with any other sources you tantrffer. I went through a divorce in 51985.

For four years I was a full-time mother to my now 7-year-told. In 1990, not only did I add a husband to my family, but also tfour new full-time stepchildren, ages 6 to 14, who lost their moth-ler in an auto accident in 1988. 1 Any information you can pro-Jvide on full-time stepparenting, death of a parent, normal vs. abnormal teenage behavior, self-esteem, blending children from families and survival for the Iparent would be Mrs. memories of their mother.

Although you can never replace her nor should you try you fill a void. Sometimes it is easier for younger children to accept a new maternal presence in the home. Obviously less independent, they need you more. Teenagers are struggling to establish their own identity separate from the family. The adolescent years are difficult for many families, original and blended.

So don't assume every problem that arises is due simply to your presence. In general, children probably don't know how to feel. Accepting a new family figure may seem disloyal. How can they feel affection for this new person and still love Mom? Their ambivalence and confusion can take the form of resentment. Keep in mind this situation is as new to Share the responsibility for the emotional well-being of the children.

Your husband is feeling the same strains that are hitting you as he forges a new relationship with your daughter and works out the kinks with his children. Discipline is also an issue that often becomes a sticky wicket. Your counselor should be able to help you unite in this effort. Ignore the wicked stepmother syndrome. Sometimes step-moms (and dads) feel they have to work harder and step more gingerly to overcome this prejudice.

Be yourself and the children will get to know you. Make time with each child, Including your daughter. Getting to know children takes a great deal of quality time. Get addition support. The Parenting is written by Atlan tans Marianne Daniels Garber, an educational consultant; Ste, phen W.

Garber, a clinical psychologist; and Robyn Freedmafi Spizman, an author of books on educating and motivating children. They co-authored "Good Behavior" (Villard, Random House, $22.50) and "If Your, Child is Hyperactive, Inattentive, Impulsive, Distractible. (Villard, $19.95) Where to write: Send your questions and comments to Parenting, The Atlanta Journal-Consti' tution, Pp. Box 4689, Atlanta. Ga; 30302.4V DEAR MRS.

it sounds as if you are feeling pressure to be the best mom ever. Certainly that's an admirable goal, but you probably also need to relax a bit. As we're sure your counselor has said, it takes time for everybody to learn their way in a situation like yours. Blending families is a complicated affair. If both parents remarry, then the children are members of three real families two stepfamilies and the ghost of the original family.

In your case, the stepchildren have them as it is to you. You are wise to seek help. The first year of any marriage is a learning experience and you have a lot of learners in your group. You may find these tips and resources helpful: Acknowledge the children's feelings. By doing this, you can minimize further resentment.

Don't let the kids use their feelings to hide behind or as an excuse to disrupt famly life. V. I.