The Atlanta Constitution from Atlanta, Georgia • 20

THE ATLANTA CONSTITUTION Monday, 25, 19R5 Bridge Fathers WE LL PAY Ynui? I Bfirmrni ccccil IVIE.LSIWII. rbEJ! cial system, you can forget fairness," said the gay father of three. "Given the choice, most of us would keep quiet" agreed Keith, who has joint custody of his son. Joint custody remains a rarity even among heterosexual fathers, but Keith had two benefactors, His wife knew he was a good father and did not oppose joint custody because Keith was gay. His homosexuality never came up in court, where the judge approved joint custody because of the parents' accordance.

Experiences like Gary's are more common. "I was not only ostracized by my wife, but my father and three brothers," said Gary, who has limited visitation rights of his two teenagers. He has almost no contact with his 19-year-old daugh-. ter, but he does see his 16-year-old son. DeKalb Superior Court Judge Hilton Fuller said that in five years on the bench, he has never encountered a custody case in which the father told him he was homosexual.

"Maybe it was there," he said, "but it was disguised. "An awful lot of factors go into making a custody decision," said Fuller. "I would put sexual preference in as another factor -By Charles RGoren and Omar Sharif Q. I understand the concept of an eight-card trump fit. However, I don't see why a 4-4 fit is better than, say, a 5-3 fit or a 6-2 fit Why shouldn't you want the longer suit to be trumps? E.N., Toledo, Ohio A.

In most cases, the 4-4 fit is the most flexible. That is because it allows you to take ruffs in either hand, and in some cases both hands, without necessarily losing control of the trump suit A second reason is that if you have a 5-3 fit and a 4-4 fit you can get discards in one hand on the five-card suit, but that is obviously not possible when the side suit is 4-4. So much stress has been put on the 4-4 fit, however, that many tend to regard it is an iron rule. That is not so. There are cases where the long suit will make a better trump holding than the 4-4 fit One case is where the 4-4 fit is fairly weak.

Look at these two hands: ENROLL NOW Medically supervised weight loss program Doctors, nurses and counselors on staff no strenuous exercise Lose to 7 pounds per week For women From Page 1-B male population is homosexual Lit- tie research has been done on gay fathers, but a 1978 study found that one of five homosexuals had been married, and two-fifths of those had children. Those findings add op to 640,000 gay fathers. "We haven't made having a gay household the issue," said Benov. "We've tried to make it a household that works. It's important that gay people be people who are neighbors, who sit next to you in church, send their children to school with your children.

Once the shock value is 4 gone, you learn it's not so differ- ent." As Ms. Ferrer described their life together, she sounded like any other only daughter, adept at cajol-1 ing to get her own way. "Jonathan is like a friend. If I wanted to do something that wouldn't go over with my father, I'd go to Jonathan first," she said. "If it's anything to do with money, I go straight to Lu." Ms.

Ferrer rented her own apartment last month but calls her 1 Offer Expires 11-27-85 "Callers are convinced they are the only person in this situation," Gripp said. "It's not the kind of thing they can walk up to brother or sister-in-law and say, 'I'm gay and what do I do about Not all gay men are sympathetic. "Having children causes a lot of problems in relationships," said Mike, a 42-year-old gay father. "Some gays don't even want to be friends with someone with children." Mike, who has three teenagers, recognized that he was gay at 28, but spent the next decade in psychologists' offices undergoing therapy to fight it Now, Mike has accepted his homosexuality, and he and his wife plan to separate and divorce after Christmas. "She doesn't approve at all of my lifestyle," he said, "but she realizes there is nothing I can do, or she can do about it" His children still do not know about his homosexuality.

"I'm scared to death to tell them," said Mike, the anguish evident in his voice. "I don't think it's fair for them not to know. But some people tell me it's not fair to hurt them. "I just haven't decided what's good for them to know," Mike said. "I feel guilty because I'm gone a lot, but I need to have some time in this world, to be with other people who understand who you are, and understand clearly." Mike met others in his situation through the Married Men's Group, which was founded four years ago by the Atlanta Gay Center.

The center's staffhad sensed that there was a large number of gay married or divorced men in need of help, so they ran an ad to determine interest There were 48 responses in one week. -hy- I -NOT vlO WITM O'Mtt 0f tPKtl oni to fuu stmu nofut uto imi LNMI WS1ICWS -Cnnp Phvsieinns Call now for an appointment i m-" 1 UCILTT I PlCC 9:00 am to 7:50 pm i r. I WfclVSTl I LJOO Hours urs i iij. i Centers mmJ FUTRAIOSSMT SYSTEMS 3' 'K 'W 587-0319 2 locations one near you WEST A954 VAKJ1032 0 8 A4 EAST K762 OA65 KQ63 Frustrations always exist MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Croup eased strain II I mat mi wMl Li. Viltol ViM BmlLJf'L father and Benov daily.

Both men work in retail sales. Only close friends learn that her father is gay in a seven-year relationship with another man. "In the beginning, I thought it would be a problem with friends," said Ms. Ferrer, "but once they meet them, they fall in love with them." A new boyfriend's response once angered her, The young man told Ms. Ferrer he didn't mind that her father was gay as long as he was left alone.

"I told him that I wouldn't wor-: ry about his father approaching me," said Ms. Ferrer, "so why should he be concerned about my father bothering him?" That romance faded fast "This has opened my horizons," said Ms. Ferrer of her experiences. "Until the time I was 12, 1 had the typical East Cobb life, living with my parents in a nice house with my brother. I was in a private school and had piano, swimming and ballet lessons" The open relationship Ms.

Fer- rer, her father and Benov have is rare among gay fathers, many of whom remain in the closet, fearful of rejection and the repercussions to their families. "If they are public about their homosexuality or bisexuality, chil-. dren may be open to attack and rid- icule by their peers," explained Dr. Donald Smith, a clinical psycholo gist who has counseled gay fathers. Gays marry for several reasons.

Some, uncertain of their sexuality, believe marriage and children will resolve conflicts. As an only child, Ferrer said he married to appease his family and provide heirs, though he had been aware of his homosex- uality since childhood. Pressure to marry The specter of acquired immune deficiency syndrome has made custody and visitation even more difficult for gays. One woman, learning her ex-husband had broken up with his longtime lover, wanted to end the visitation agreement. She was afraid her son might contract AIDS now that his father was dating.

There are other myths homosexuals must dispel. "There is a fear that gay fathers will molest their children," said Gripp of the Atlanta Gay Center and Gay Hotline. "But the primary source of child molestation is heterosexual fathers to their daughters." Even when the picture appears rosy, such as with Ferrer and his daughter, frustrations exist Ferrer last saw his son Andre when the boy -was 2. The child is 10 now. Ms.

Ferrer is estranged from her mother because of the girl's decision to live with her father. A child's reaction to his father's homosexuality can depend on the child's age and the tone of the presentation, said Dr. Smith. "If they are very young, children adjust fairly easily," he said. "With older children, 10 through their teens, it does take some careful representation." "Any discomfort, anything presented to a child in a negative light is going to be heard in a negative light," he said.

Children of homosexuals may need counseling because confusion may. arise over their own sexual identity, said Smith, "They are no more likely to be gay themselves than if both parents are heterosexual," he said. If you choose your 4-4 fit and play the hand at six spades, you are at the mercy of a trump break. Should spades break 4-1, you will almost surely lose two trump tricks. However, six hearts will make regardless of the 4-1 spade division, or even how the hearts are divided! You simply win the opening lead, draw trumps and discard one spade oh a high club, and you lose only one spade trick.

There are other situations where the long suit should be trumps. On two-suited hands where all the tricks are going to come from the two suits themselves, and as a result you don't need the second suit for discards, you should choose the longer suit. Otherwise, you might find that the opponents can cause you' to lose control of the hand by forcing you to ruff. Another case is where you are taking a sacrifice. Here, too, it is often right to play in your, longer suit so that it is difficult for your opponents to run you out of trumps, which could result in a major penalty.

v-H: The subject was excellently ex- Stored in Albert Morehead's superb ook, "Morehead on Bidding." He laid down the following rule: "When breaks are bad or the opponents have the preponderance of the high-card strength, the longer suit in a two-suited hand may or may not produce more tricks, but it is always safer." We have never heard it put any better! The recognition that others comprehended his agony and guilt eased the strain of Mike's double life. "I wish I had met men 15 years ago who were in my situation," he said. An Atlanta chapter of the Gay Fathers Coalition International was formed last year by gay fathers. The group meets on Sunday nights twice a month in the Unitarian Universalis! Congregation of Atlanta. The Gay Helpline has information on how to reach both the Gay Fathers Coalition and the Married Men's Group.

At a recent coalition meeting, Keith, the divorced gay father of a 13-year-old boy, said group members confront a painful dilemma about whether to reveal their homosexuality. The men understand that their silence perpetuates the stereotype that gays are unfit parents. But standing up as evidence that gays are loving parents could damage the children. Keith's son knows his father is gay. "It's painful for me when he comes home and shares sick gay jokes that his friends have told him," said Keith.

"I know it must hurt him, too," he said. "I suspect though, that he is just going to swallow that feeling." Ms. Ferrer said that she has listened to cruel characterizations of gays by school friends. "I wouldn't go around at the University of Georgia and say, 'Guess what folks, my dad is she said. "But I felt like a spokesperson to tell about the misconceptions straight people have." There are other reasons gays remain quiet "When the issue of homosexuality comes up in the judi- Bob Deans Reagan vs.

Gorbachev: Who won? Were there any real winners at the Geneva Summit? Tonight, Bob Deans and a panel of experts discuss the real and perceived meaning of last week's meetings. Among Bob's guests will be Cedric Suzman, vice president and educational programs director of The Southern Center for International Studies. Call in tonight and express your opinion THIS THANKSGIVING "There is pressure here in the South to marry because family is so important," said Smith. "Here in At-lanta, less than 15 percent of the homosexuals or bisexuals are out in any open way." Smith said that the absence of a strong alternative lifestyle support system here such as those in New York and San Francisco makes it probable that gays will continue to marry. Often, those who do wed believe they are alone, said Bill Gripp, a board member of the Atlanta Gay Center and director of the Gay LETU1 Aivaim mzmiiT p.m.

uvs To phone in your questions or comments call: 526-5500. fje2UIanla2ountal THE ATLANTA CONSTITUTION 1VIDEOI edition; FORYOU There's a place for you at Mother Tucker's table this Thanksgiving. We'll serve you and your family a traditional turkey feast with all the stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, potato, vegetable, andour famous 60-Choice salad a feast in itself! The price is just $8.95 for adults, $4.95 for children. Sit down with us between 11 :00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m.

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