Logansport Pharos-Tribune from Logansport, Indiana on March 4, 1891 · Page 6
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March 4, 1891

Logansport Pharos-Tribune from Logansport, Indiana · Page 6

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Wednesday, March 4, 1891
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BIB-TICKLING TALES. f _^__——^ -The Newest and Best Stories Told by Great Men. 'Good \'urns Contributed by Prwildent 1 Harrison, Vice President Morton, Grover Cleveland. Governor Kill and GcntTill PorUT. was nearly over one of the' lioi'lest of the yountfinpii nrose to toast .Mr. Hrown. The bitter stood up, all smiles, "but ho could not hoar a word that VIMS spokisn. fle only knew "it was about him tuaV tie toast was being- said. The young- scapegoat said: "Here is to you, you old raisor, Brown. You are no bettor than a mm or my mission, saying that my ancestors emigrated from about that spot a hundred years a s o, and I was there tryhi" to look them up. Uo answered: 'Yc siiv your ancestors migrated from on-towntoAm.:-.^,-? U .Wjt a hundred years a-o? Tliiu v.-hy are ycz looking- for thiro lr'r"' v " BARREN PINE RIDGE. k [COPYRIGHT, ^M. | 1 The most novel symposium ever jointed is the following- collection of good stories told by famous Americans, > stories that lose much in being read, instead of being lieard, but rib-ticklers nevertheless. The gentlemen who tell ^ these stories, and convulse their hearers, " iave many other stories that they tell { first, and in case they do not cause the * hilaiity expected, the speaker's reputation as a wit is staked on the stories an- J -nexed. Each story, as told, is the best _in the gentleman's repertoire, as the x saucy soubrette would put it, and they >-. never fail to bring forth showers of laughter. HAP.KISOX TOLLS A I1OO STORY. President Harrison very seldom in- I* dul"-es in a joke or story, unless he knows his hearers well. One day, he •surprised his hearers by telling the fol- r lowing story to illustrate a point: I There was a man who had a way of takin" his own advice and doing things to gct°even. He was a hog-dealer and The Desolati. one season he drove a large number of hogs to Indianapolis, a distance of one hundred miles from his home, although ie was told he could get nearly as much for them at a town nearer. Arriving- at Indianapolis, he found that the price of io"-s had gone down. He kept them in the city nearly a month, and finally was offered a higher ^rice than he could get , nearer home. He wanted a high pnoe, and declared he would drive the hogs "back home, which he did at a consider- ( able cost. Then he sold them at home at a price very much less than that of• fered to. the city. One of his friends asked him why he had acted so unwisely- "I wanted to get even with them city log-buyers," he replied. "But did you get even?" "Well, they didn't get my hogs." ' "What, pray, did you get out of the -transaction?" . ,.,,,-, A "Get! Why, bless your thick-skulled ;- lead, l'got the society of the hogs back ' lome!" !•> TICE PRESIDENT MORTON'S BULL STORY. " Vice President Morton now and then perpetrates a joke or story by way of illustration upon bis listeners. He knows it well by heart before he begins: Not far from where I live in the country there is a farmer noted for his fine, lar^e cattle. Durhams and Alderneys roam over his extensive lands, and people come from a long distance to view ids stock. But visitors have to be careful about walking around alone in the Clover fields on account of the number of ferocious bulls owned by the farmer. A certain major general, who was very Twoud of his title, visited a naighbor of the farmer, and one day he strolled -otrt and began to cut across the clover tramp and it is suspected that you make your money dishonestly. My wish is that you may get your just deserts yet and land in the penitentiary." The deaf Mr. Brown smiled, raised his glass to his lips, and said: "The same to you." A GOOD OXE BY CLEVELAND. When Grover Cleveland was governor ho was fond of telling humorous stones to illustrate a point. It is said ne got off a good thing on a certain ex-assemblyman who dropped in to see him about the time t*ie newspapers were exposing the job in the contract for put- tin- in ' a new ceiling in the Albany capital. 'It appears that all during the davs of Boss Tweed this ex-assemblyman was in the lower house and fought against jobbery and against the "boss " Mr. Cleveland was listening to the comments of the ex-assemblyman about the substitution of a papier- mache ceiling for an oaken one, when all at once, with a smile on his lace, he interrupted his visitor thusly: "What is the difference between the assembly now and when you were a member?" . "We were ruled by a democratic boss and now by a republican boss," ventured the ex-member. "Oh, no. When you were a member the fraud was on the floor; now it is in the ceiling," said Mr. Cleveland. GOV. HILL'S STORY OF TWO ENGLISHMEN., Gov. Hill is a good story-teller. Two Englishmen who had been bosom £ r .^ Sy 1 - P fe 1 m [tK«P.:' jttelds in order to save a little distance. ^Before be knew what was up, a big bull, •bellowinn- and shaking his head, began to chase him. The general was a swift runner and he made good time in front of the pursuing animal. But the annual was swift, too, and every time the general would get near a fence the bull was too close for him to even attempt to climb over. At last the general made a line for a gate near the farmer's house and reaching it in time shut off the bull from further pursuit. The farmer, it seems, was there and had witnessed the chase. ' "Sir— sir, did you see your bull chasing me?" -y. " Y-e-s," said the farmer, suppressing. ? * *?s that all you have to say? Do you | kiow whom that bull was chasing: fe "DcTyo/knmv who I am, sir? I am Gen. Blank." „ "Wall, why didn't you tell the bull that?" curtly retorted the farmer. IVAXAMAKEB'S REBUKE. - Postmaster-General John Wanamaker h given to illustrating his conversation ££ pointed stories. Once ie rebutea s ome of his Sunday-school boys for friends came to America. They met with poor success, drifted apart, and finally one took a position as waiter in a cheap restaurant. He hadn't been there long before his friend appeared, at the dinner. The meeting was not over-joyful. "Why, old man, you down to a waiter, eh? Gracious, how you have fallen! And in a Bowery restaurant, too!" "Yes " replied the waiter, turning on his friend, sarcastically, "hut I don't eat here, thank God!" SENATOR IXSALLS AND THE DKUJTKEN MAif. Senator Ingalls is prolific with apt anecdotes and stories. A man considerably intoxicated got into a street car and hung on to a strap. There was enough room for him to sit down, but one gentleman had spread himself so as to occupy two seats. The man holding the strap said to him: "Say—(hie) — my fren 1 —(hie)—wish you—(hie)— would move." "You are drunk," answered the party on the seat, who refused to make room. "Iknow it— (hie)—" was the reply, "but—(hie)—I'll get over it. You're— (hie)—a hog, sir— (hie)— and'll never— (hie)—get over it." A TBiifP STOKT BY &EN. POBTER. Gen. Horace Porter is a noted after- dinner speaker, and has a fund of anecdotes and humorous incidents. Here is one of his stories: "Lady to Boston Tramp—And now you want something to eat? "Boston Tramp—Yes, lady, you are religiously correct in your surmise. "Lady—Did you saw that wood? "Boston Tramp—0, don't say that, lady, but put it in this way: 'Did you see'that wood?' Gen. Porter tells a good story about his going to Europe for the first time. "As soon as I landed in Ireland I attempted to look for traces of some oi e or make sport of affliction. I of a deaf man once who was dis- to be parsimonious. He was fond y and a ' confirmed bache or. ban Brown, men the banauet my ancestors wncj came from the extreme north of Ireland. Meeting an intelligent-looking Irishman I informed vie of the Sioux Indians l» Diilcota. The Tine Ridge Reservation, the home and center of the recent Indian troubles, lies in an immense rolling b*sin of nearly four million acres in extent. The surrounding country is smooth and undulating- as the sea, with nothing to arrest the eye but endless bare and barren moors. No fence, no tree, no house, no hill, no stream, nor any living thing except, sometimes, far off upon the plain, a herd -of Indian ponies, looking up with pointed ears and tossing mane, and wondering with indignation and dismay at the panting iron horse which, belching fire and smoke, traverses their primeval wastes. These ponies find a meager sustenance aloncr the dried-up river beds, or clip the blenched brown grass on the plains, where it. grew perhaps _years an-o in some rainy season. This un- mown hay is called "buffalo grass," and is said to have fine fattening quali- •ties. In some low-lying prairies the ground is almost swampy, and the grass long, sour, thin, hard like wire and void of nutrition. In these bottoms there is a constant moisture, but no clear water. Among the tufts of reeds and knolls of wiry grass, droves of cattle may be sometimes seen searching for a palatable mouthful. On these boundless prairies around the reservation any object—a horse, a man, a train—can be seen in the clear air miles and miles away, like a ship far off at sea. The loneliness of these unfrequented plains exceeds the loneliness of the lone sea. I know nothing which impresses one so deeply with the vast and limitless extent of this mighty country like traveling over these interminable solitudes, or driving, reins in hand, as is often done, with the aid of a compass, sixty or seventy miles a day. It must have been a savage instinct that led the Sioux to accept or choose, these arid plains for their retreat and final camping-grounds. The buffalo, elk and antelope have vanished from the scene, but settlers and passing trains might be robbed with ease, without any hope of timely aid. Within the reservation there are frequent deep and sudden gulches and dry river beds, sometimes with scrubby bushes of wild plum and cherry trees about the banks. Geologically. Dakota is considered the newest land' in North America, and, while it was still unformed, the great waves have gone rolling on and on, sometimes breaking into long, white, circular sandy ridges, with uneven, zigzag crests. To-day, strange as it may seem, it is only on the sides of these low sandy ridges that any trees are to be seen. It is supposed these lands were once all overgrown with forests, but the prairie fires devoured all the trees on the plains, whilst the bare, broken sand on the ridges arrested the fires and preserved the°solitary trees on the slopes. The dark, lonely pines, clinging to the heights, with' the white sunlight dancing all around, look very somber, like sentinels of the night, or the shadows of a former age. It is these straggling pines on the ridges that give the name to this reservation. The Bad Lands lie to the northwest of the Pine Ridge Reservation and extend about one hundred miles in length and fifty miles in breadth. If there is a region on this earth given over to the fiends for their infernal_ orgies and demoniac, ghostly dances, it is these notorious Bad Lands. Imagine here five thousand square miles of broken wilderness, black, barren, bare, devoid of any living thing, studded with innumerable weather-beaten crags, irregular, conical hillocks and rugged plateaus, with_ abrupt edges of crumbling lava, precipitous canyons, steep gulches of slippery, springy clay, treacherous quagmires, weird and darksome glens, hollows, holes, chasms, dens where robber-bands could hide, defying attack, or, if spied, could turn a ridge, shoot unseen, scamper off and lie in wait again; no road, no path, no visible trail, hardly a green blade or level acre through all this twisting, ziz-zag, endless, labyrinthine maze. The biting winds drift the snows in winter into the ravines and hollows, gorging them full and leaving bare only the tops of the hillocks and pinnacles of crumbling clay, like desert islands, frozen in a sea of snow. Much of the soil of South Dakota is a peculiar, ..heavy composition, called gumbo; it is a lead-colored compound of slue cla.y and sand. The name gumbo might be suitably derived from gum, for when moistened this soil, is as sticky and cohesive as gum, and clings to the wheels and horses' feet till every thing is clogged up and the wheels lonk as big as the wagon. When dry the soil is hard and tough as hickory wood. A certain quantity of rain, but neither raore nor- less, at a certain time in spring and summer, but not sooner and not later, would perhaps produce the requisite amount of moisture to insure good crops. But the course of clouds and rain is seldom affected by the' exact requirements of the farmers of South Dakota, and the requisite quantity of -rain, at the proper period of the year, does not choose to fall more than once in every five or ten years. In the East we are accustomed to ascribe the origin of many, of our thunderstorms to Dakota and the Northwest, and rightly so. Almost every night out there it lightens all round the horizon, and the people Jive in perpetual hopes of rain and plenteous har .-ests. But these Dak-At. lightnings are a real iffnis-fatCus, and flit awa? without leaving any tra'-U of rain behind. They pass on to burst in the east in terrific thunder and rain.—Prof. W. C. Robinson, in Golden Days. KILLED BY A"VAMPIRE. TUe Horrible Fato of a Handsome Young SomnamlmliKt. Mrs. Cornelius Rainwater, of Savannah Ga., recently received a letter from her brother, James Uhl, who is engaged in the wholesale coffee business at Calabozo, Venezuela, in which epistle he gave an account of the singular death of his daughter last September. The young lady, who had just entered her seventeenth year, had been a somnambulist since childhood, and it was supposed that it was while in one of her frequent trances that she left the house and wandered several miles out into the country. Sue was missed, and on ^f^^/y^ YOUNG WIVES l Who are for the first time to undergo woman's severest trial we offei MOTHER'S FRIEND -, remedy which if used as directed fo- i few weeks before confinement, rocs tot its Pain, Horrcr and Risk to Life if both mother and child, _as thoiv •,ands who have used it testify. A BlesBine to Expectant Mothers. MOTHER'S FBIESD is worth its weight; in gold. My wife suffered more In ten minutes with cither of her first t\vo children than she did altogether with her last, hav- •lixr previously used four bottles of MOIH- •7.-'9 FBIHSD. ItisaWe--sinstomotbers. Curml, III., Jan., 1SOO, G. F. LocKWOOD. p«-,t by express, charges prepaid, on re-., i ,",i of price, &..X P»r bottle. Sold by all .,;.; '-~i=te Book'iO Mothers roniled free. SEGCIJWOBCO., Atlanta, Ga. through my work to-day? If««' II ^ erab , e ' 3chy, tired, pain in my tact, my food irotft a my wholo body soems out of order. Wo a that it is no -wonder you are in such a broken down condition, and you will keep cettiDg worse unless TOU can cure your LIVER. *Vhis important organ is out of order and VOH must care-'it_Dyp£°™P^7 Dr.C, McLane's Celebrated Liver Pills. rhoy Trill restore you and givo vigor and health to POUT -whole system, making you strong and weu. Only 25 cents a box, and they may save your li». isk your druggist for the genuine Sold by Ben l''isher -tttfotreet. i^^-»_* Q # H* 1 fl ft ft Ik • II II I ! *' . o am raid mill «rlle,»nu wl », . O. . UELEBRA TEH LIVER PILLS —MADE 6Y— FLEMING BROS., Pittsburgh, Pa. 33-Look out for CouNTEKFJtirs made in St Louis. USE IVORT"POIISH PERFUMES IHJE BEEATH. UDIES^PPS Do -JuOtir Own Dyeing, at Home. • Th ••} will dyt everything. They uresold evert- where Price lOc. apockane. Tlieylmveiioeqnil. for Strength, Bnprlituw. Amount in Pnckafcs or for F i.-tu.-JU nf Color, o.- no- duliEjf Qualities. Theydoii"t'" ••' :,-,•! •*«*• •»' Forculeby Ben Msner. 811 Kmirth street. •Wood's rPlxos:p:t>.ocli:n.e. GREAT EiVGLlHIjjtBMEpY- - being searched for was at last found near the roadside dead with a large vampire clinging to her throat. The bat at the approach of the searchers rose from the body, of its victim and attempted to fly off, but was so gorged with blood as to be unable to make its escape and was shot by one of the party. The placidity of the young lady's countenance showed that her death had been a painless one, and it is probable that it was not until she sank down, still fast asleep, that the vampire fastened upon her. A small wound resembling the puncture of a large needle just over the jugular vein marked where the small white teeth had liberated the blood which it had sucked, all the while soothing its victim to deeper sleep by a gentle, lulling movement of its outspread wings, which is the habit of these creatures. The one which killed Miss Uhl was unusually large, measuring three feet and some inches from the tip of one wing to that of the other, and, while its weight would have naturally been ten or twelve pounds, it was so engorged that it was found to weigh something over twenty. _____ A Little-Known Russian Caste. The Listok of Revel reports that in the neighborhood of Goldingen thera are seven villages whose inhabitants do not belong to any of the classes of society in which the subjects of Russia are divided. "They are neither Counts, nor Barons, nor Princes, nor nobles, nor merchants, nor townsmen, nor peasants." They style themselves Kurisehe Koenige, and enjoy the privileges of nobles, although they live and work for themselves like simple peasants. Up to 1854 they paid no government taxes and were exempt even from military duties. In their local administration they subject themselves only to the rul- inn-' of their "ober hauptmaun," without whose permission not even the simple "hauptmaun" may leave his village. Historically no one knows how "those peasants have procured for themselves the rights they enjoy Bat there is a tradition current among their neighbors that for important services they had rendered to the Srst. Russian conquerors of their province' those privileges were granted to them. Amon- themselves they cherish the tradition that they are the descendants of the ancient kings of Kurland. They keep in their church a flag with the picture of a king of Kurland on horseback, which they regard as their family heirloom and their escutcheon. The some image is cast even on the old bells of their church.—Chicago News. by thnimanUssuc- anncd to curt all r firms of Nervous Weakness, iTals- Blon . , dallt e,, Detroit, Mich. 'and the of later yearn. Givfs immediate strcnoth andvia- or. AHtdruKBlsca os- e by John K. y,u,. r,,»e»» , trarli villioull-kly liow 'O"'' r n ("m ti If i "a M y nrthc ',.»«, n,,<! mo,, „> .von po Huili »«i«". all uiris. 1" nn.v pnn of erica von con ccinmfiuT nt IfOinf, t- r ' v 1 '"°' The Great Englwn Prcncription. successful Medicine used over years 111 thousands of cases.; Weakness. Emissions ysr snip b? B. V. Kflenline. v,rv workr »« .. ,v .StlilnR.' EASILY, SPEEDILY loin,«l. f\ PI'IC-ULAIIS FKEB. Adilrcu it once, CTlSSUJi* §>., I'OllTUi'D, HAl.lt- r.Lanidr&Co., 17 NASSAU STREET, New Ycrk, KANKERS, FOR WESTERN STATES, CORPORATIONS BANKS AND MERCHANTS. WTEREST ALLOWED ON DEPOSITS AND LOANS NEGO TfA TED. Adopted by the Ccr- r.ianGovernmentfor Huspital&Artnyusc P.S.C- isputuplor American trade in a patent bottle hold- irgsyringc (see cut) At druggists, $1.00, ' lor DR v SCOTT'S ) beautiful ElectrlO \ Corsets. Sample free to tboee b»- no • • • . comint: agenu. No risk, quick silt*. Territory srlTen. satisfaction fnnranieed. Address DR.SGOTT.842 Broadway St-.N.Y. ilftlS! 3 m:ike a ™ecMty of manufacturing Baby Can-laces u> .ell direct (..private |>iirlle«. You am. therefore, do Setter with me tna« with a dealer. Can-incus .Delivered Free o? Charge^ to all points in the p"lted States. Send for Illustrated Catalogue. CHAS. RAISER, Mfr. 62-64- CtyiJOurn Ave.. Chicago, III. f7;Cti*UJ71^ iJIFf illff. t \ii ,sent,scalcd,forS1.10 The Von Mohl Company, Cincinnati, Chlo, Sole American fficuu. B F. K.EESLINK, Agent, Logdtisport, lud. Prof. F. C. JF0WIEB, , ROF.DIEFFENBACH'S ssm^Mi^^ s^^io.MHjaVA TftlNTY OR DISAPPDIMTMEHT,h«iPO'|- lively relieves 160 T™M cmc« In !4 ,°° un1 ' inil jwrmtmnOyeiirciiJn.mOiiar;. 15 days trlnl by HOFFMAN'S HARMLESS KERPACHE POWDERS. the Best. . „ c.. Soleagt a .fortheTJ.S. I89WIS.ST..IBIIWAUKE,W(& $i CURE ALL HEADACHES. iey are not a Cathartic It doesn t make so much cttderence where we came from. The thing that concerns us above all other is "where are we going?'' ^^_, IS YOUR WIFE WELL? THE WOMEN OF AMERICA ARE THE LARGEST CONSUMERS OF S. S. 3. IT NEVER FAILS TO RESTOR« BROKEN DOWN HEALTH WHEN CAUSED BY IMPOVERISHED BLOOD OR THE CARES OF '>> THE HOUSEHOLD. OVERTEN THOUSAND OF THE BEST WOMEN OF THE COUNTRY TESTIFY TO THIS. Don't fail to send for our book OB • blood disease*. Mailed free. STTOT Spicono Co- Atlanta, G*. JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS. GOLD MEDAL, PWiis EXPOSITION, 1889- THE MOST PERFECT OF Lake Erie & Western Railroad Co. "NATURAL GAS ROUTE." .Condense" TimeTable Is Ef-racr MAKCH 1st 1890 Solid Trains between SanriuskR and Peoria and Indianapolis and Michigan City. DIRECT Connections t» and Irom all points In the United States ;md Canada. ^^Tntins Leave Logansport and connect with the L E. & W. Trains as follows: WABASH B. B- • L. E. Si W. E. B. Leave Pern. North Bound 4:45p.m SootH Bound U:60a.m WABASH R. R. Leave Lopmsport, 8:45p,m.. 7:50 a. m Arrive Lafayette, 4:5op.in.. 9:2«d.m L. E. & W. R. E. Leave LaFayette, East Bound I:o0p.m West Bound 5:10 p.m H C. PARKER, Traffic Manager, C. T. DALY. Ren. Pass. & Ticket, Agt. '.NDTANAPOL1S. INI>. - LOGANSPOR.T BOUND. "a , :ity ,l Totelo Ex., A Chicago druggist retailed 2000000 of B F. Keeslinp: and Cullen & Co.,sol« A.CPtit,s in Loga-nsport. WK9T BOUND. S^ife^'^^'^H^ 3t Louis Ex., dally lU'-Sipm Fcl Blvcr Div , toKaimport, Went Side. Kctwecii lAMrimsporit and «'bill. . EAST BOOND. Accomtxlatlon,Lewe, except Sundar.lO^am; Accomodatlon, Leave " 1.40 pm JUDICIOUS AHO PERSISTENT Advertising has always proven s-.icccGSl'ui. Before plncln* a"T , -'Newspaper Advertising consult ^ LORD & THOMAS. . i ADVKUT1S1KU AGENTS, >Sr".S!3 .51,1 <!)Mt»nil«t|* «"-•«• CHICAGO ^r^l^:^r^^" ts ""'- y -^pS o «^ hAD p o « |7° c 25e HIRES' 1MPROVEK 25c ROOT BEER! HUDUIO. SO BOIUNCORSIRWNHIC WSlLTMWf THIS PACKAGE MAKES rr.'£.r.AI,LONg. A X-KW UEMEDT 1'OSITIVB CUKE FOB Corre&pondenco «olioieu. vulnable informinlon free. Osnu.1 discount M DIABETES, KltK.HTS* ' -visenno WM. T. 18 la Saltc Street. ' - .odrcd »llment» CO., Chlco* ^Tr^tfSSWS- STfe - Delicious and SparWIng. i»* -M Ask sour Dru=-2lst or Grocer for ::. C. E. HIRES, DR . ELECTRIC BELT - PEMsnuy o by B. f. Kessllns, Druggist. and other ppoclal ties fOF etc., are war- ^WsSSimPWK*^ • ^. W. L. DOUGLAS $3 SHOE ElMlrft tiirrenl Kelt ln«u.iiuy, ». -? "••-i-orstcMtsrsr.

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