Daily Citizen from Beaver Dam, Wisconsin • 7

Wednesday, May 1 1, 1994 Daily Citizen Page 7 T7 "1 Fighting fact with fiction 14 wear Abbu i Van Buren Abigai DEAR ABBY: Recently you published several letters from readers who complained about holiday newsletters, so I wrote a spoof for my friends and family. Maybe your readers will enjoy it too. AL ROSENBLUM, BIRMINGHAM, ALA. DEAR AL: I thought your spoof was hilarious, so I'm sharing it with my readers: CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM THE HASSENPFEFFERS Dear and Loving Friends! It' that time of the year to relate the "doings" of the Hassenpfcffcr family. Wolfgang and I have been frightfully busy as usual.

As you Wall Street Journal readers already know, Wolfgang bought the Standard Oil Co. and he's been busy, busy, busy. (You know what a perfectionist Wolfgang is!) Christmas is becoming a real chore now. Spent all day yesterday shopping for the grandbabics. Schmcndrick, the 10-year-old, wanted a chemistry set, so Wolfgang bought him the DuPont Co.

And we found a set of blocks for Artemis, the 3-year-old -12 of them in downtown Houston! Hcathcliff, our eldest, has just received his fifth Nobel Peace Prize, He was also awarded the Zilch Prize for Medicine, when he discovered a cure for which there is no disease. Our daughter, Scarlett, the art ma- ogy for teaching a 10-year-old gorilla to play the entire score of Beethoven's Fifth Piano Concerto in flat major. Now he's training a young orangutan to play Hamlet in summer stock. If it goes over, he hopes to make iton Broadway. (The orangulan, not Rhett.) Things have been rather hectic this year for me.

What with being president of the Junior League, president of the League of Women voters, mayor of Boston.chicf designer for Calvin Klein, president of Hyatt International and CEO of Westinghouse, I've had my hands full! However, none of these projects has been nearly as fulfilling as the thrill of being named Mother of the Year right after having won the Pills-bury Bake-Off. Because of the pace, Wolfgang and I were able to make only three trips around the world. Maybe, next year we'll go somewhere else. Traveling is a hassle, but having our own 747 makes it a bit more bearable. Well, toodlc-loo! Do write and let us know what your wonderful family is doing these days.

DEAR READERS: A thought to ponder: Regardless of how expensive an education is, it will never be as expensive as ignorance. Problems? Write to Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For an unpublished reply, include a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

Associated Press Photo ciety of Singers on Monday in Los Angeles. Miss Lee recorded, composed and collaborated on a number of hit songs including "Fever and "Is That all There Is." LOS ANGELES Jazz singer Joe Williams kisses the hand of Peggy Lee after she received the fourth annual Ella Fitzgerald Life-time Achievement Award by the So- jor, has been commissioned to restore the Sistinc Chapel. (She says it will be a "piece of cake" since she's had considerable experience working on her back.) And we're so proud of Batholomc "Boo-boo" is doing a "peachy" job in the military, having made major general at the age of 24. Early this year he received his fifth Congressional Medal of Honor. Now they're striking a special medal for him for going into outer space and saving 35 astronauts and a $50 billion spaceship that was stranded in orbit around Mars.

Now about Rhctt our youngest, whoalways loved animals. Some neighbors accused him of torturing his dogs, but he was really teaching them, and it paid off. Rhctt has been called to Sweden to receive the Nobel Prize in anthropol Willie Nelson arrested for marijuana possession Home Improvement tops ratings Russian economic woes hit spacemen MOSCOW (AP) Even spacemen are being swept away in Russia's economic nosedive. An official said Tuesday that the cosmonaut payroll is being slashed. Some ground crewmen also will get their walking papers in the latest cutback in the once-pampered space program.

Pyotr Klimuk, chief of the Gagarin Cosmonaut Training Center at Star City outside Moscow, said cosmonauts already in training for specific missions would not be affected by cutbacks. Inflation has fallen since hitting a punishing 2,000 percent in 1992. It was down to 8.7 percent in March, then rose slightly to 9.7 percent last month. Unemployment is increasing. The latest government projections say 5 million Russians will be unemployed by mid-year.

About 4 million people are officially jobless now. Israeli planes bomb Palestinian targets BEIRUT (NYT) Israeli warplanes raided Palestinian guerrilla targets in Lebanon Tuesday as the Beirut government plunged into the worst political crisis in its 19 months in office. At least two guerrillas were killed and five others wounded in the 90-minute raids on bases belonging to the Syrian-backed Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine-General Command (PFLP-GC). Security sources said the attacking aircraft swooped in from the Mediterranean Sea and fired at least a dozen rockets at guerrilla bases located in the Naameh hills just 10 miles south of here. The PFLP-GC is a radical Palestinian faction strongly opposed to the peace agreements PLOChair-man Yasir Arafat has signed with Israel.

It wasn't clear what caused Tuesday's air raids, the tenth in a series of air strikes into Lebanon this year. Plutonium missing from Japan plant TOKYO (NYT) Japanese nuclear officials acknowledged Tuesday that a design flaw in the country's plutonium fuel-making plant had made it difficult to track the whereabouts of 154 pounds of plutonium, but they insisted that tests showed it had not been diverted from the plant. Officials said the plutonium for Japan's much-criticized program to "breed" plutonium as fuel for reactors, had simply accumulated in the form of dust and waste inside the plant. But the amount was so large enough to make nine nuclear weapons that the International Atomic Energy Agency has instructed the Japanese to dismantle some key components of the plant and re-account for the plutonium. Rebels closer to taking capital KIGALI, Rwanda (AP) Rebels inched closer to taking the capital today, attacking Kigali along several fronts with heavy artillery and mortar fire, followed by infantry offensives.

Much of the fighting was centered around a government stronghold beside the airport where both sides have suffered heavy casualties in the past three days. About 1.3 million people have fled their homes. The mostly Tutsi rebels stepped up their offensive for the capital a week ago. "There was some heavy early morning gunfire and shelling. It was heavy overnight," said U.N.

spokesman Moctar "For me, smoking marijuana is like eating a couple of Valiums for somebody else. I have a tremendous amount of natural energy, and I need to take the edge off. Willie Nelson AUSTIN, Texas (NYT) On the road again. On the spot again. Troubled Texas troubadour and unabashed pot smoker Willie Nelson, 61, was free Tuesday on $500 bond after his arrest near Waco on a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge.

Nelson the country music giant famous for tunes such as "On the Road Again "and "Red-headed tranger' was found asleep in the back seat of a gray Mercedes Benz parked along an Interstate 35 feeder road just south of Waco, Texas, said By The Associated Press Hewitt Police Lt. Wilbert Wachtendorf. game in Hillsboro, about 40 miles north of Wachtendorf said patrolling officers Waco, with friends Carl and Zeke, he 3. (3) "Seinfeld," NBC, 19.3, 18.2 million homes 4. (6) "Frasicr," NBC, 18.5, 17.4 million homes 5.

(4) "Roscanne," ABC, 16.7, 15.7 million homes 6. (8) "Coach," ABC, 15.9, 15.0 million homes 7. "These Friends of Mine," ABC, 15.6, 14.7 million lomcs 8. (2) "60 Minutes," CBS, 15.3, 14.4 million homes 9. (11) "Murphy Brown," CBS, 14.4, 13.6 million lomes 10.

(X) "Home Improvement," ABC, 14.3, 13.5 million homes Prime-time ratings as compiled by the A.C. Nielsen Co. for May 2-8. Top 10 listings include the week's ranking, with rating for the week, season-to-date rankings in parentheses, and total homes. An in parentheses denotes one-time-only presentation.

A rating measures the percentage of the nation's 94.2 million TV homes. Each ratings point represents 942,000 households. 1. (1) "Home Improvement," ABC, 21.1, 19.9 million homes 2. (X) "Stephen King's 'The Stand: ABC, 20.

1 1 8.9 million homes saw the car parked 20 teet trom the pavement said. of the southbound service road shortly after The drug charge against Nelson is a Class misdemeanor, which can result in a fine of up to 1 ,500 and a jail term of up to 180 days. 9 a.m and thought it was abandoned. Olucers approaching the car saw the dozing Nelson, clad in sweat pants and a 'Hard Rock Cafe" T-shirt A HAND-ROLLED marijuana ciga- TUESDAY'S ARREST isn't out of rette was found in the ashtray, Wachtendorf character for the pony-tailed Nelson, at least coirl Urn nlaroH unrlor orroct Xlolcsxn oH said. When placed under Nelson 'ad arrest, Vitamin firms urge looser regulations according to the musician's own memoirs vised officers that there was additional marijuana in the front passenger side of the vehicle," he said.

Police said they found less than two ounces of marijuana in the car. Nelson was taken to the McLennan County Jail. Justice of the Peace Cindy Evans met him there, read his Miranda warnings and set the bond, which was posted by Johnny Dodd, a deputy constable and family friend. "He was just very nice and polite," said Evans. "We just did our business and went on." Nelson told reporters outside the jail that he pulled off the road because of bad weather.

He had been returning to Austin, where he lives, from a Monday-night poker written with Austin author Bud Shrake and published six years ago. "For me, smoking marijuana is like eating a couple of Valiums for somebody else. I have a tremendous amount of natural energy, and I need to take the edge off. The important thing to remember about using any of this stuff is, there is always a trade-off. Whiskey will make you not care about your problems, but it will also kill you.

Valium is addicting and, like whiskey, can turn into a much bigger problem than whatever you're trying to forget by using it. In the past, he headlined several Farm Aid concerts to raise money for beleaguered American farm families. WASHINGTON (AP) Manufacturers of vitamins and other diet supplements are asking Congress to loosen new federal regulations requiring them to prove any health claims they make for their products. Legislation up for a vote in the Senate Labor and Human Resources Committee would water down the regulations, which are due to take effect in July. Under the Food and Drug Administration regulations, supplement makers would have to show "significant scientific agreement" that, for example, a vitamin prevents a certain disease before they put such a claim on the vitamin bottle or in catalogs or brochures.

The bill by Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, would allow health claims without such scientific agreement as long as the claims reflect "the totality of scientific evidence." "This legislation will allow reasonable health claims to be made for natural products," said Dr. Alan Gaby, president of the American Holistic Medical Association. FDA Commissioner David Kesslcr said Tuesday that Congress itself made "significant scientific agreement" the standard for foods, and shouldn't let supplements answer to a lesser requirement. "I urge you to not water down the scientific standards," he told a Senate Appropriations subcommittee.

"I don't think the things we're talking about are close calls. Tell me which ones we're missing and I' 11 be happy to go back to the drawing board." "There is a willingness here to reach a compromise on this issue," Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, responded. But he questioned why FDA won't allow Vitamin beta carotene and other anti-oxidants compounds that may fight cellular damage that leads to heart disease and cancer to make health claims. i The only controlled trial ever done, published recently in the New England Journal of Medicine, found the compounds didn't protect smokers against lung cancer and may even have slightly increased their risk, Kessler said.

The FDA docs allow claims that folic acid prevents common birth defects in early pregnancy and calcium fights osteoporosis claims most scientists support. But supplement makers say numerous, albeit noncontrollcd, studies show people who take certain vitamins arc at less risk for certain diseases. And other countries recognize supplements as medicine. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Broc Wuesthoff Beaver Dam May 11 HAPPY BIRTHDAY Allison McDougal 5 years old May II HAPPY BIRTHDAY Andy Davis Beaver Dam 9 years old May 11 4m ANNUAL STORE-WIDE SPRING RIGHT AT THE START OF THE SEASON! SAVE UP TO 50 Births PRICES HAVE BEEN SLASHED KRIER'S ON EVERY ITEM FOR OUR 4" ANNUAL STORE-WIDE SPRING SALEII DON'T MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE UP TO 50 OFF FAMOUS BRAND NAME MEN'S SPRING SUMMER CLOTHING. SALE BEGINS THURSDAY MORNING PROMPTLY AT 9 A.M.

STORE FOR MEN LOCATED AT 107 MAIN ST. DOWNTOWN WATERTOWN 4U ANNUAL GREAT s400, 000 STORE- WIDE SPRING INVOLVING INCLUDING EVERY ARTICLE IN OUR STORE Hillside Community Hospital announces the following births: May 9 a son to Clifford and Melanie Krenz, Randolph. May 10 a daughter to Philip and Misty Spoolstra, Randolph. Dr. and Mrs.

Ross Maurcr of Waunakee, announce the birth of a daughter, Kaitlynn Marie, born Monday, May 9, at Mcritcr Hospital, Madison, Wis. The maternal grandmother is Cecil La Surs of Collinsville, 111. Paternal grandparents are Russell and Betty Maurcr of Beaver Dam. GREAT SALE DAYS 4 FAMOUS BRANDS JAYMAR. SANSABELT, KINQSRID3E, PENN STATE.

PENDLETON, ALAN STUART, SAVANE, WOOLRICH. LONDON FOG. KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. ENRO, RUSSELL, INTERNATIONAL WATERS, JOCKEY, B.D. BAGGIES, ALPS, AND MORE.

ALL ON SALE SAVE UP TO 50 OR MORE SUITS, SPORT COATS, SLACKS, DRESS SHIRTS, SPORT SHIRTS, KNIT SHIRTS, SHORTS, JACKETS, RAIN SHINE COATS, SWEATERS, NECKTIES, SOCKS, UNDERWEAR, BELTS, SWEATS, WARM-UPS AND M0REII 2 for fj ort ee6 mil fc "ilium ii'" A wmr WW'S JWpiwllu ii-llJt flu mi mnilli mull t. "bliwhw' aww -n mmmmm I ffbtz 9 I i IS i rr- y.ni&jL jJ ''VI a r- Vi rt 1 THURSDAY I FRIDAY 9 A.M. TO 8 P.M. SATURDAY 9 A.M. TO 5 P.M.

SUNDAY NOON TO P.M. SALE BEGINS THURSDAY AT 9:00 A.M, WHY NOT THE BEST? VALUES TO KB" KNIT SHIRTS VALUES TO MEN'S SHORTS For all your painting needs 99 $1 Q99 QUALITY ONE GROUP MEN'S SHORT SLEEVE KNIT PI Jk GOLF STYLE SHIRTS. DON'T MISS THESE AT ONE GROUP MEN'S SHORTS. SOLIDS, PLAIDS, STRIPES. BEST FABRICS, OUT THEY GO AT QUALITY QUALITY HUNDREDS MORE BARGAINS NOT MENTIONED PAINT AND DECORATING CENTER REG.

MO" 100 COTTON WRINKLE FREE SAVANE SLACKS VALUES TO "28" 100 SILK NECKTIES VALUES UP TO '55" 100 COTTON SUMMER SWEATERS 306 S. Spring St, Beaver Dam 885-2255 $1199 $31S9 ENURE SIOCK 100 COriON GUARANTEED WRINKlE-fBfE SLACKS LAHGE SELECTION Of CCH.OHS ONE GROUP 100 SILK NECKTIES LARGE ASSORTMENT COLORS 1 PATTERNS. OUT AT ONE GROUP ALL COTTON SUMMER SWEATERS, RIN3 NECK STYLE. THESE WILL SELL FAST AT USE VISA MASTERCARD DISCOVER CASH CHECK PEANUT OUSTER PARFAITS VALUES UP TO '26 DRESS SHIRTS Herberqer's children's department is already beaming with bright summer short sets in stripes, solids and screen prints from duster Brown', Healthtex and Day Kids. Toddier, boys' 4-7, girls' 4-6x.

2 for $20 or $11 each, Reg. $13 and $14, Sate ends May 15, 1994. ENTIRE STOCK BELTS-SOCKS ENTIRE STOCK BELTS, SOCKS, UNDERWEAR, ETC. ARE ALL REDUCED ENTIRE STOCK SPRING JACKETS ENTIRE STOCK FAMOUS MAKER SPRING JACKETS ARE ALL REDUCED S1599 ONE GROUP MEN DRESS SHIRTS. SOLIDS.

STRIPES. 0ON MISS THESE AT VALUES TO 325a MEN'S SUITS VALUES TO 225 SPORT COATS BLAZERS Beaver Dam Mall ONE GROUP MEN'S a YEAR-ROUND WEIGHT 99 SUITS. FROM THE I ONE GROUP MEN'S MOST nft FAMOUS MAKER SPORT j( (JJ COATS AND BLAZERS. TO 7J SELL OUT AT your tht powtr of Vital We honor Visa, Mastercard. American Express and Discover FAMOUS MAKERS TO SELL OUT AT Shop Daily 10:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m.; Saturday 10:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m.; Sunday pm.