The Tampa Tribune from Tampa, Florida • 75

Versed Dim tlfoe wot si Students of awful cinema received a full text to study in '94. Sirs i Serf i i -v 1 I i i By Bob Ross A BAD-MOVIE BUMPER crop made even schlock-lovers shiver in '94. Trying to name all the year's awful films is like sticking name-tags on dust-balls: Why bother? They're headed straight to the trash can anyway. But, hey, if all movies were worth watching, you wouldn't need your friendly, hard-working local critic, who sacrifices his time, patience and eyesight so you can avoid atrocities. Of course, anyone can make a terrible movie.

We give priority to really expensive messes, big-name disasters and major-studio insults. This year's more painful afflic-' tions, in no particular order, include: "Intersection" Richard Gere, Sharon Stone and Lolita Davidovich formed a ridiculous triangle in this soapy nonsense about an architect with a wife, a mistress and bad driving habits. "Dangerous Games" Madonna and Harvey Keitel starred in this sadly self-indulgent gab-fest about a mediocre filmmaker who confuses his work with reality. Sordid, pretentious claptrap. "My Father, the Hero" Gerard Depardieu does grand work in Europe, but so far his American efforts have faltered.

This witless sitcom about a spoiled teenager and her indulgent dad illustrates the problem. "The Specialist" Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone and James Woods play out a dull, creepy cat-and-mouse game in this annoying, illogical revenge fantasy. A deserved dud in the States, it did well in Europe. Go figure. "Clifford" Martin Short was 41 when he portrayed the viciously destructive 10-year-old title character.

Old enough to know better. This attempted comedy plunges below poor taste, beneath rancidity into the wormy muck of the truly execrable. "Milk Money" Melanie Griffith plays every boy's dream: a luscious prostitute with an eye on dear old Dad. Immoral, illogical and badly written. "Camp Nowhere" Spoiled kids with stolen money have a blast and suffer no consequences.

Watch it on cable for Christopher Lloyd's cheerfully subversive performance as an unrepentant ex-hippie. "Wagons East" Dispirited Western comedy misfires on every cylinder. Even worse. John Candy died during filming. "In the Army Now" Pauly Shore plays a cool cat caught in boot camp.

Think of "Stripes" with no jokes and awful actors. ra (D a a Nick Nolte and Julia Roberts, above, got caught on an elevator in "I Love Trouble," but audiences got the shaft. Neither Macaulay Culkin nor Ted Danson, right, could erase the entertainment deficit of "Getting Even With Dad." "North" After seven solid efforts, director Rob Reiner fouls up big time. This big-budget kid-flick lacks comedy, continuity and any reason to exist We don't blame Bruce Willis, but he does show up in a bunny suit "Color of Night" Bruce Willis again. This time, he plays a psychiatrist who's smart enough to know he's in trouble and stupid enough to sleep with the first cutie to climb into his crib.

A major disappointment from director Richard Rush. "I Love Trouble" Nick Nolte's off-year (remember "I'll Do was capped by this tediously ill-conceived romantic comedy about competing reporters. Not even Julia Roberts' glamour could salvage any scenes. "Getting Even With Dad" Millionaire Macau-lay Culkin better hang on to his cash. The "Home Alone" tyke has had a lousy two years remember "The Good Son" or "The His new release, "Richie Rich," isn't exactly megabuck material, either.

In "Getting Even With Dad," Culkin cutely outsmarts his criminal father (Ted Danson, sporting a silly pony-tail). "Beverly Hills Cop III" Eddie Murphy needs to rethink his strategy. Or retire. Actually, this by-the-book sequel could represent all the year's failures with Roman numerals. "Being Human" Robin Williams ego-trips through history in this ugly series of poorly made vignettes.

This is a film that can fascinate you for two hours while you say to yourself: "What was he thinking?" "Holy Matrimony" A comedy about an Amish child forced to marry a thieving slut Disney does "Witness." It's worse than it sounds. "Blank Check" The Disney folks had a really shameless year. This brainless bauble of a kiddie comedy, for example, was based on the pitiful notion that money buys happiness and that stolen money buys just as much if you can spend it before you get caught This movie is recommended for students of marketing: It has more product plugs than a TV game show, "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" Screenwriter-" s. at ill a a director Gus Van Sant turns Tom Robbins' spacey, mid-70s novel into a failure that is metaphorically all thumbs. Uma Thurman struggles with the main role of hitchhiking free spirit Sissy Hankshaw.

But her odyssey broke down into a cross-country collection of crazed characters and inexplicable conflicts. "Airheads" Metal-heads are mistaken for radio-station hijackers. They yell louder than the bands on the soundtrack. A headache with a wasted cast "Love Affair" Even after "Dick Tracy" and "Bugsy," we still expect some sort of excitement from Warren Beatty. Maybe someday, but not in this bland weeper.

It takes more than tropical scenery and soft-focus close-ups to justify a second remake of anything, let 'along a dusty soap c1 -r v- lift 'v vt-vvW-4t) 7 Pauly Shore gets sheared when he goes "In the Army Now." His fans got clipped if they bought a ticket to.thjs woeful military comedy..