The Miami News from Miami, Florida • 29

6C THE MIAMI NEWS July 5, 1972 I 1 Gangsters will do what the writers tell them Contact 615 P.O. Box 818 Miami Florida 33182 JOHN jSl KEASLER if it had to admit how few secrets it really knew.) In chatting with criminals I found 90 per cent of them are clean-cut, decent-looking chaps, pleasant enough; outgoing, friendly and warm and, except for this unfortunate proclivity for murder or potential murder, regular princes. Almost always I would get around to asking these gorillas the only two questions which interest me, in the slightest, about them as professionals. One of the questions I would never aim directly at the guy I was talking to, but ask it after the inevitable jolly story about how somebody hung somebody on a meathook, or dropped some bad risk in the river after fitting him into cement toreador pants. "Gee, both barrels of double-ought, right in the belly, huh?" I would say admiringly.

Then I would look like I was thinking, and ask, "Say. Don't guys who kill people like that ever worry about having to go to hell after they're dead?" Wellsirree, it was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing! (It makes them sort of green, that question. They never answer.) The other question was, "How come you guys all dress alike?" "Huh?" "Dress alike. You know. Like this year, the top shirt button closed with no tie and the hatbrim turned up all around; last year, pin-stripes; year-before, black mohair suits.

You know." "Jeez, uh what thuh hell klnda question Is dat? We stay sharp, dat's why, Dumbo. You like dah suit? It set me back 330 clams." lovely." And they would always have lot of gangster books, and catch all the movies. (Everybody now has a Marlon Brando suit.) I've written short stories, God help me for I may again, with things like, "ominous, cat-like, the ivory cigaret-hold- er dangling from his cruelly sensuous mouth, Lasagna eased the deadly inlaid stiletto from his sock scabbard." So, the way we get rid of Organized Crime is through Organized Writers. Slowly, we image them Into some other line of work. "Nick the Rat thought suddenly of the old priest and, putting down his trowel 'Perhaps I should go back East and open a little dress mused The Cleaver.

'Tempest would be so happy "Suave, dapper in his overalls and high-topped brogans, Syndicate Sammy '-adjusted his swell Elk's Tooth watch fob, flared a shack to his new corncob pipe, snapped open the violin case and sighted at Mad-dog down the strings of his fiddle! 'Dosie Gleefully cried the Appalachian Twelve as I know it would work. They will dp anything we write. (I just wonder if it isn't better to have Organized Crime than Organized Writers.) You are probably all wondering why I have asked you here today. Here is my plan to eliminate Organized Crime. Most Mafia guys wouldn't know how to act if they didn't read gangster adjectives (suave, swarthy, quietly ominous, nor how to dress if it Weren't for the movies.

Your average hood is as dependent on conformity as the Yippies, the Shriners, the Johnny Mann Singers, Hard Core Organic Food Addicts, Snake Handlers, The John Birch Society, Gay Liberation, Co-Chairpersons, the White House Press CorpsHermits, Faith Healers, the ACLU, Playboy Bunnies, Kennedys, Buckleys, Lynch mobs, hookers, the AMA, the CIA, the ITT, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the American Legion, the Communist Party, Jesus freaks, the Justice Department, burlesque strippers, circuit judges, trained seals, and any number of other groups, the members of which have a certain image to live up to. Except hoods are much more conformity bound. They're always acting like they're supposed to act. Looking like they're supposed to look. Trying to get their buddies to call them "The Shlv" or whatever; De rigueur, don'tcha know.

It all comes from writers. My plan to write Organized Crime out of existence would capitalize on criminals' love of self-image. Change the image. I use "organized crime" reluctantly. These cats are ridiculously disorganized or they really would own the world.

I mean, if you don't mind killing people or threatening to kill them you've got to be a pretty lousy businessman not to own everything. Anyhow, my plan is based on personal acquaintanceship from time to time with quite a few mobsters over the years. I used to do "Investigative reporting" and was always welcomed heartily by gangsters, as they are just like actors, but serve better booze. Most of the time I was not quite sure what it was I was investigating, so we would just talk. (I do not know a lot of inside stuff.

But I know a lot of people with great investigative reputations. Putting all their inside stuff together, I have concluded nobody knows much inside stuff. In fact, there isn't much inside stuff. And most of it is dull and involves a lot of dumb facts, almost always the same facts. The reason all undercover men guard their cloak-and-dagger routine so carefully is so nobody will find out all they know is the same silly inside stuff.

The Secret Service would blush beet-red V- Reader chuckles over 'soap bet' (Dear Contact 615, I had a good chuckle when' I read the. letter from "Hope Vm Right" in which he or she (whichever the case may be) promised to cat a bar of soap if CONTACT 615 wasn't a woman. You commented: 'That was a pretty dumb bet and I don't dare speculate what you both are." I think you took the statement too seriously. When we were kids and. we said something unkind or untrue about someone, our mother would say to us: 'IShame on you, go and wash your mouth out with soap." 1 Chances are that's exactly what the letter writer had in mind.

I enjoy your column tremendouslyIt's the first thing I read every day when The Miami News arrives. THANKS FOR THE CHUCKLE Dear Thanks For The Chuckle, Thanks for making my day! I considered the same interpretation of the "soap bet" as you, but decided one had nothing to do with the other. I could be wrong. Gad, what a dreadful thought! CONTACT 613 Call it "Contact Six One Five," and write whatev-er's on your mind. The address Is P.O.

Box 615, Miami 33152. Use a pen name if you wish. innMKiMinwin Cuban living up North says Cubans like all immigrants Dear Contact Just a note of reply to Ms. Lois Vaughan. I am a Cuban living in Stamford, who happened to pick up a copy of your column in Friday' newspaper.

I would like Ms Vaughan to know that it is true that when many Cubans speak of their other country, they mean Cuba. What we are trying to tell people in this country is that there is something to be learned from the Cuban experience. For all Cubans, naturalized or not, this is our home away from home, and because we have learned to love it, we will be very disappointed to see a similar situation occur in the U.S. If Ms Vaughan does not find the Cubans' warrtirig credible, she can get the testimony of any East European exile. They and the Cubans agree that the advent of communism follows a path which is being dangerously traversed by American politics, As far as American hospitality are eternally grateful for it.

However, think it has not been one-sided. Cubans have worked hard to make contributions to this, Society: they have paid taxes, and served in the armed lorces" nyone who contributes to a society has a right to this has been true of former immigrants, and Cubans should be no exceptions, LOUIS F. RODRIGUEZ PIXies byVVofif r4 HERB RAU She's batting .500 despite lazy, fat' daughter-in-law DEAR ABBY No language barrier in Iceland BY GEORGE! TODAY'S HEARTBURN Women's Lib has liberated some women from hats, shoes, stockings, slips and bras. Next thing you know they'll be complaining because they have nothing to wear. REYKJAVIK, Iceland For Americans, the Icelandic language is an impossibility.

There are 33 letters in the alphabet, the language is similar to Danish (which is also an impossibility to American tourists), and even the popular historian S'gurdur Magnusson of Icelandic Airlines comments: "It is singular that the Icelanders should have kept alive a tongue whose fundamental significance among Scandinavian nations is equivalent to that of Greek and Latin among others." Fortunately, most Icelanders either speak or understand English, so an American tourist will find no language barrier here. Even the 6 p.m. news on radio is broadcast in English, via flawlessly-accented commentators But Iceland, with its mere 200,000 inhabitants, is an odd little independent nation. Warmed by the Gulf Stream, its summers are mild One TV station broadcasts from 8 to 11 p.m., except on Thursdays when it's dark, and for an entire month in the summer when its staff vacations There are no nightclubs, but several "dancing places" where boys-meet-girls. Drug laws DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter-in-law who is lazy, fat and selfish.

She takes but never gives. The house is usually a mess and so Is she. Our son has a position which requires him to look nice at all times so he sends his clothes out. He helps her with the' meals and with the housework, too. Our little grandson is a handsome child but he looks like a ragamuffin most of the time even though he has plenty of nice clothes.

This daughter-in-law has a violent temper so we stay out of her way as much as possible. She comes over here for free meals, a free baby sitter, or to get some sewing done. Don't tell me she's sick -and should see a doctor, psychiatrist or a marriage counselor. She's seen them all. Every day I say, "Thank you, Lord, for my wonderful son-in-law, but what did I ever do to deserve a daughter-in-law like this?" LONG-SUFFERING MOTHER-IN-LAW DEAR SUFFERING: You're batting .500, and that's a lot better than other parents who have written to me.

DEAR ABBY: There is a busybody in the office whom I call "The Town Crier." She makes it her business to tip everybody off when a coworker has a gift-giving occasion coming up. (She'll say, "Oh, Patti is having a 30th birthday Saturday." Or, "Margaret is celebrating her fifth wedding anniversary next Sunday. I thought maybe you'd like to send her a card or ''iit ft Dear Mr. Rodriguez, Thanks for writing, copy of this paper. As requested, I am sending you a CONTACT 615 says he may want to look at them again.

(Abby, from 10 years ago?) If I tell, him it's time to clean house of those newspapers he won't hear of it. Can you help me? HADIT DEAR HADIT: I can un-derstand a person's Wanting to keep a few newspapers for future reference, but your husband's habit is more than a habit It's an obsession. It's also a fire hazard. If he's mentally sound (and it wouldn't hurt to check it out) YOU clean house one day. DEAR ABBY: My husband wants two funeral services when he dies.

One in his home town and one in the city where he is now living. He says he has about an equal number of friends in both places, and he's probably right. I say one. funeral is enough, don't you? CRAZY MAN'S WIFE DEAR WIFE: According to some, one funeral is one too many. Read this: CONFIDENTIAL TO There is no way for you to call and subtly ask if perhaps your Invitation was lost in the mails.

But a mutual friend could find out if you were invited. Abby, to tell you the truth, I would be just as happy not knowing, but after she tells me I'm put on the spot. So what do I do? ON THE SPOT DEAR ON: Say "thank you," and then do as you please. There is always a chance that some co-workers appreciate knowing, so don't label "The Town Crier" a "busybody." DEAR ABBY: My husband of many years is to me the most handsome man in the world. He is also the most generous, erudite, the most loving and the most lovable.

But he has one habit which is absolutely infuriating. He is a saver. He saves empty bottles and bits of string, but the most annoying of all is his collection of newspapers! I do not have an empty closet or cupboard. They are crammed with old newspapers. He has them stacked to the ceiling in the basement and in the garage.

The walls of guest room are lined with newspapers, and now I can hardly turn around in our bedroom for all those newspaper stacks. We' Will have to move out of this house if he doesn't stop. We take two daily newspapers, plus the Sunday paper and the New York Times. He reads them carefully, but refuses to throw them away. He DEAR GEORGE: Before writing to you I tossed and turned all night for almost three weeks.

Less than a week after I mailed this problem to you, got Miracle Relief! I learned I had been wearing my wife's pajamas bottoms and they were six sizes too small. Now I don't toss and turn! FAN DEAR FAN: Do you mind taking your testimonials to Dear Abby? I'm barely surviving now. NIXON SPASSKY FISCHER Japanese dwarfed trees information is sought Dear Contact' 615, Please help me find someone who has knowledge of the care of Japanese Dwarfed Trees. I received a Bonsai Juniper a few weeks ago and 1 have been careful to follow the instructions that came with it as to its care. But parts of it have turned brown; needles and whole little limbs fell off.

It has grown some, but 1 don't know if I'm to keep it trimmed the size it was when I received it. If I don't trim it, it will soon be too large (that is, if I can stop the disease it seems to have.) I want help with it very much and you find a lot of assistance and information for so many people, perhaps you can help me and by juniper. MRS. E. L.

KNIGHT Dear Mrs. Knight, Take yourself and your Bonsai to Fairchild Gardens (after phoning for an appointment of course.) If that is too far for you, try Bill Hoffmann's nursery and florist at NW 22nd Avenue and 79th Street, which is much closer to you. You will find books on the case of Bonsai at either of these places, and at many other nurseries and florists. If they tell you to throw the plant away, do so. You may have killed it with kindness, already.

Good luck. CONTACT 615 CONFIDENTIAL TO PENNY: There must be more to the story than you've told me. If you loved the dog so much, why did your parents make you give him away? I'm afraid it's too late to find out anything about Boots, so why don't you see about getting another pet? Maybe if you and your parents could decide on one together, you could keep it, and give it all the love you've stored up for Boots. Good luck, honey, stars Bane of indulgent party goers: those ever-present quitters' DEAR GEORGE: Why don't you old fogey Establishment Press columnists spend more time exposing bigotry? Bigotry should be stamped out! IDEALIST DEAR IDEALISTS: Yeah! Hear that, you bigots! If you don't like it here, go back where you came from there's been too much intolerance around here to put up with YOUR viewpoint! (How's that, noble idealist?) ERMA BOMBECK said, to tell me about?" "Only parties," I heading for the door. sum 'S DEPARTMENT I I f7-J om 111 111 were instituted just two years ago and several youngsters have been arrested for trying to smuggle hashish and LSD into Iceland from Copenhagen.

(They're in prison at the jnent, awaiting trial.) Beer is "light" only 2.24 per cent alco-r hol by volume, but Icelanders brew their own different kind of fire-water. Five abod newspapers This Icelandic firewater is called Brennivine (burned wine). It's colorless and tips the alcoholic scale at 90 proof. They drink it straight or mixed with water, and it costs about $5 a fifth Convicted drunk-drivers lose their license from four months to a year a second offense could mean loss for life Topless dancers aren't illegal, but only a few have tried it, mainly to glean some dollars from the 3,000 U.S. troops stationed here.

Troops are permitted off base on and, cincidentally, Wednesday nights are "dry nights" in Iceland. Sale of whisky on those nights is prohibited. Comcidentally, of course There are five daily newspa-; pen here, all tabloid, with the "Morgunbladid," the morning v.per, having the largest circulation even though it's a right -jw)ng paper in a liberal government The government has said it would like to dissolve the NATO base here, but renewed its contract There's some anti-American feeling (if you ask outright), based on U.S. involvement in Viet-nanuBut the only outword sign I detected was the name "NIXON" painted in red on a white building, with the in Nixon depicted as a swastika There's socialized medicine, social security and a "bounty" for every newborn child $100 a year every year up for 16 years. Chess is a big deal here The current world title chess tournament controversy may be the biggest thing to hit Iceland since Leif Ericson.

Boris Spassky, the Russian champ, is lionized and he loves it. Bobby Fischer, the young American contender, held out for more loot There's a lot of talk here about women's lib, but no action, and none is expected. The local chapter of the "Red the Danish-orginated bra-burning sect, protested against beauty contests as a "sex symbol," but Iceland still stages the pageant annually The average salary for office-workers is $235 a month but fishermen can knock down as much as $1,200 a month. Fishing, of course, is the nation's biggest industry Restaurants are excellent, but not cheap. A one pound lobster can be $6 in a restaruant $1.10 in the fish markets.

Lamb is the big meat speciality, a fine type of lamb completely without the mutton taste that marks most American lamb American-made films are popular admission about $1.25. There's somewhat of a film production industry here, but as one Icelander complained, TThey all look like travelogues." The Ballet Spectacular, which flew here for two performances, created such Excitement that the show's booked for three additional performances in late gust. MO It seems you cannot go to a party anymore without finding yourself in the middle of a group of do-good mis-, sionaries who are trying to reform you. These are the sanctimoni-1 ous people who have forsak- en some vice and now want to rack up another convert. I call them the "I quit" disciples.

For example, when you are stuffing your face with a rolled piece of salami filled with cream cheese, an "I quit" person will appear at your elbow and warn, "That little nibble will cost you 1,325 calories. I quit eating when I stumbled upon this marvelous little diet of bread crumbs and nine gallons of water a day. Of course, you have to wear a nose plug and a life vest but Or the "I quitter" who an-n loudly, "Know what's in this glass? Plain soda water. That's right. Ever see what your drink does to a liver in a lab? Incredible.

Look at my hand. Steady as a rock." The other night, I kept count and I was accosted by a caravan of "I quitters" who had abandoned everything from job- (which discriminated), having babies (to control the population), driving a car (which contributed pollution). watching television (which insulted the iv- CHOOSE FROM ENGAGEMENT RING SETTING' COCKTAIL RING SETTING DINNER RING SETTING SOLITAIRE RING SETTING COMPLETE WITH: erage intelligence), using insecticides on roses (which endangered other life), traveling abroad (which contributed to foreign economy), to a woman who quit lying about her age (a woman is only as old as she feels). I was still trying to find some loophole In the "age" theory when a man came up to me and said, "I quit smoking a year ago. Did I tell you that?" "I think that's nice," I said, easing away.

"I think you should know that an expectant mother who smokes is subjecting her unborn child to the adverse effects of tobacco," he continued. "A lot of people don't realize that four-fifths of the country do not smoke. Ever notice when you fly how much space is given over to the non-smoking section? Well, I am here to tell you that I have more energy, I feel better, and for the first time in a long time I can actually taste food." "Look," I said quietly. "I don't smoke either." His face fell. "Anything you've quit lately ybu want 1 4 KT.

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