The Honolulu Advertiser from Honolulu, Hawaii • 40

I The Honolulu Advertiser Thursday, October 28, 2004 E5 WHAT TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY Babies CONTINUED FROM E1 close to someone who has, here If you've suffered a loss or are are a few tips: princess aicolani Presents IIAWAn'S DESIGNERS Colleen Kimura of Tutuvi and Robin Fong for Laubala Trading Co. Do: Listen more than you talk. (When in doubt, keep your ears open and your mouth shut.) Remember that a simple "I'm sorry" is often all that is need- ed. Don't: Ask one question after another. Give advice when it's not Things NOT to say: "There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway." "You're young.

You can have others." "At least you didn't really know the baby." "Better it happened now rather than later." Sometimes, Carmen's mind drifts back to the could-have-beens for her two lost babies. "I still think of them as if they were real kids," she said. "Keeping busy helps keep the pain back." Andy held his oldest daughter when they attended a memorial service for lost babies a few years ago. "I was almost embarrassed to go to the first one with a live child, knowing others there were dealing with loss," he said. But the candlelight vigil helped him realize he was not the only one still dealing with loss.

And like the others, he discovered it was natural to feel like he was part of a family and still feel as if something was missing. "It's likely to bring up the pain again," Carmen said of this year's service. "I guess like any memorial service, it's good. It brings you closer in a way, and it brings you together with people who can share it." IK TRUNK SHOW Oct 30 Saturday 12-2 Refreshments Gift With Purchase See Us at the BRIDAL EXPO Oct 29 30 1222 Kaumualii St 847-4806 "I'm hoping it provides some level of closure, although it can't complete the loop," said Cindy Nachtigall, a Tripler pediatric social worker and coordinator of the event. Professionals from other hospitals, including Kaiser Perma-nente Moanalua Medical Center and The Queen's Medical Center, are helping to bring together families who have suffered losses for the service.

"It's so nice to remember that baby," Nachtigall said. "As parents, we bond to the pregnancy. A loss is a loss. Along with the loss of that baby is all of our hopes and dreams." Each year in the United States, more than six of every 1,000 births result in a stillbirth or newborn death, and many more women miscarry before the 20th week of pregnancy. At Tripler, the hospital of choice for many younger military families in Hawaii, there's an average of one miscarriage or infant loss a day.

That's a higher number than the number in the community at large because the hospital caters to so many women of reproductive age, Nachtigall said. The grief that goes along with these losses is profound but often misunderstood and ignored. "It can be more devastating long 86 Short '79 Show Special 1028, 29, 30 than a divorce or losing a grandparent," said Lynn Kalaiwaa, a nurse who runs a support group at Kaiser's Moanalua Medical Center called HOPING (Helping Other Parents In Normal Grieving). "You're not supposed to lose a baby." Carmen remembers suffering in silence, feeling as if she were mourning a death in the family that her husband didn't acknowledge. She had held the remains of her would-be children after the miscarriages.

Her husband never did. "I felt I was less inclined to view this as a child," he said. "Deep down, I was disappointed. She was depressed, and I was angry. I think that was my way of hiding my disappointment." He remembers after the first miscarriage, his boss, a father of four, told him not to worry.

"You can always adopt," he had said. After the second miscarriage, Andy said, "I remember saying when we buried the remains of that child-to-be, I said, 'For whatever reason, you just weren't meant to They got marriage counseling. Carmen was active in Resolve, a support group for couples dealing with infertility. Then she became pregnant naturally after ending fertility treatments, and she remembers not being able to enjoy her pregnancies. She didn't buy a stroller until she was 7Vz months pregnant, and even then, she still didn't feel comfortable that everything would go smoothly.

Kaela was born four years ago, and then Ciana came along almost a year ago both healthy, happy babies. iTl 1 a 11 il III; 1:1 ii I iTr Nachtigall, the social worker who is organizing the event, invites whole families to come, to have a place to grieve and remember with a group of people who have gone through the same thing. "We find it takes another parent who has gone through a loss to understand it," she said. "There's built-in support." Tanya Bricking Leach writes about relationships. Reach her at tleachhonoluluadvertiser or 525-8026.

AA.n0isP0UR EXPRESS (G) 4. Tii On POLAR EXPRESS (G) i. a. RAY (PG-13) i moiuTHE INCREDIBLES (PG) SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (PG-13) (1130145 4.n,o.sRAY(PG-13) 400)705 945 nonsTHE INCREDIBLES (PG) THE GRUDGE (PG-13) (11251215200230415 I HEART HUCKABEES (R) ID RECTO (1115 205510)7451025 SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (PG-13) (1100145 430)7151000 1 THE GRUDGE (PG-13) (11301230200300 445)700745 930 1015 SHALL WE DANCE (PG-13) (1140205430)725 955 TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (R) ID REQ'D (1 210 250 520) 71 0 750 9501025 FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-1 3) (1 1 55 235 450) 7351020 RAISE YOUR VOICE (PG) (1 145 225 455) 71 5 940 TAXI(PG-13) (1210245505)720935 LADDER 49 (PG-13) (1200 240 515) 730 1005 SHARK TALE (PG) (1 135 100 150 315 405 530) 815 THE FORGOTTEN (PG-13) (1235 255 525) 740 1000 KIKU 430530)7008009301030 MOTORCYCLE DIARIES (R) ID REQ'D (1205 CONTINUED FROM E1 315)7101010 SHALL WE DANCE (PG-13) (1 135 220 455) 730 1005 TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (R) ID REQ'D (1 125 155 435) 705 945 FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-13) (1 100 1 145 230 515)7551030 RAISE YOUR VOICE (PG) (1140240) TAXI(PG-13) (1225255525)7501015 LADDER 49 (PG-13) (1125215455) 735 1020 SHARK TALE (PG) (1 105 1 150 1235 120 210250 335505550)720805935 1020 THE FORGOTTEN (PG-13) (1120145) SKY CAPTAIN WORLD OF TOMORROW (PG) (1120150445)7251000 HERO (PG-13) (1155225) M. n.

On POLAR EXPRESS (G) 4. n. THE INCREDIBLES (PG) THE GRUDGE (PG-13) (1200230455)715940 SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (PG-13) (1230 255 530)7551015 SHARK TALE (PG) (1135200425)700930 SHALL WE DANCE (PG-13) (1210 245 520) 745 1025 FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-13) (130 430) 730 1030 RAISE YOUR VOICE (PG) (1 130 200 435) 720 1000 TAXI(PG-13) (1215245515)7451010 LADDER 49 (PG-13) (1 140220 500) 750 1030 TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (R) ID REQ'D (1 135 210440) 710 950 THE FORGOTTEN (PG-13) (1245310525)800 1025 Now Hiring Apply at TheMn Now Hiring Apply if TTMflftv relinquished UPN shows to become an affiliate of The WB in 2001 will occupy a later time slot on Saturdays. "Veronica" stars Kristen Bell as a high schooler who helps her private investigator dad. She has baggage: she was date-raped, has a boyfriend, an ex, and her best friend was murdered.

"Kevin Hill" features Taye Dig-gs as a hotshot New York entertainment lawyer, happy with his bachelor life, who "inherits" a 6-month-old daughter of his cousin, who unexpectedly dies. Despite the new programming, KIKU is emphasizing the stability of its Japanese programming. "If you watch, nothing will change; at least it won't be noticeable," said Hagiwara. "Our Japanese viewers will still see their shows in the normal times, and we won't be pushing (the UPN franchise) in station IDs," said Hagiwara. "Soko Ga Shiritai" will continue at 7 p.m.

weekdays and "Shin-sengumi" will retain its 8 p.m. slot Tuesdays. "Kikaida 01" will continue at 10 p.m. Fridays, repeating at 7 p.m. Saturdays.

"We're dropping just a few programs, like the daily Filipino news show, but our viewers still can find this on The Filipino Channel," said Hagiwara. Wayne Harada at 525-8067, wharadahonoluluadver tiser.com, or fax 525-8055. ff A HAWAII WORLD CLASS Tickets available at Movietickets.com and Moviefone.com KOKO MARINA 8 KOKO MARINA SHOPPING OR. 593-3000 MILIUM STADIUM 14 TOWN CENTER OF MILILANI 593-3000 WARD STADIUM 16 AUAHI AND KAMAKEE 593-3000 "Hawaii's Best Place To Watch a Movie" THE INCREDIBLES Opera November THE INCREDIBLES Opens November Advance Tickets Now On Sale THE GRUDGE (PG-1 3) ABl Advance Tickets Now On Sale THE GRUDGE (PG-13) AB (1 SURVIVING THE INCREDIBLES Opens November 5 On 2 Screens CHRISTMAS (PG-13) A CRIMINAL (R) SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (PG-13) A SHARK TALE (PG) 1 1 SHARK TALE (PG) FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-13) On 2 Screens (1 TEAM AMERICA: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-1 3) On 2 Screens WORLD POLICE (R) A TAXI (PG-13) fashion Deborah Gibson! WINI A $6,000.00 Stardust Diamond Eternity Ring from PHIL'S GOLD Diamonds! WIN! A Cruise for TWO to Baja Mexico from Creative Holidays! WIN! One Of FOUR Wedding Gowns valued at of DOLLARS in Prizes Giveaways! Fri. Doors open Sat.

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