The Guardian from London, Greater London, England • 83

The Questionnaire Staffordshire Bull David Stafford Thou shalt not skip Frances Barber Frances Barber, 36, was born in Wolverhampton the daughter of a bookmaker and a school-dinner lady. Accepted by the RSC at 25, she went on to win the Olivier Award for Most Promising Newcomer in 1984. She starred in die film Sammy And Rosie Get Laid and will appear in Channel 4's upcoming celebration of drama, Blow Your Mind See A Show. She lives in London. The bathroom door is wrong.

It is a plain door, whereas all the adjacent bedroom doors are panelled. To have an ill-matched door is not, of course, a nuisance it functions as a door should, opening and closing, and even, wind-allowing, remaining ajar. On the other hand, having an ill-matched door on the landing can, I believe, at an unconscious level, be unsettling. In the long-term this can lead to full-blooded alienation and a compulsion to write novels. Albert Gamus had ill-matched doors on his landing, and look at ail the suffering he caused.

Caroline found a panelled door leaning against a skip just down the road. We discussed the matter in some depth. There has never been a fully authoritative work on the ethics of skipping putting things into and taking things out of skips. The Bible hardly mentions the subject. Some theologians have interpreted Psalms 29 v.

"The voice of the Lord breakedi the cedars; yea, the Lord breaketh the cedars of Lebanon. He maketh them also to skip like a calf' as meaning either that large trees and small cows are allowed to do what they like, but the rest of us skip at our peril, or that it is permissible to remove unwanted lengths of cedar wood from a skip, but only if at the same time you are imitating veal. The passage offers litde guidance, however, to those about to remove a stripped-pine panelled door from the side of a skip without wishing to draw attention to the act by mooing. Moses is to blame, God had meant to give him the complete Top 40 Commandments, including Nol 8: "Don't tell people your dream if they weren't in it. They'll pretend to be interested There is no doubt that putting your own crap into somebody else's skip is a mortal sin.

In daylight hours it is anyway. They're paying for that skip by the day, but not, fortuitously, by the night, therefore it can be argued etc etc. Removing interesting detritus from a skip, on the other hand, is acceptable behaviour as long as you don't spend more than two minutes picking through the junk, or, if you do, you're wearing the baggy corduroys of a professional architectural salvager and not the unbalanced sandals of a lath collector. The problem with the panelled door is that it wasn't actually in the skip, but leaning against it. While taking an article from a front garden is a blatant contravention of the eighth commandment, the space between the garden and the skip is an ethically grey area.

Caroline argued that if an article is actually touching the skip, then ipso facto it is an a priori part of the skip's contents. I asked whether she had the faintest idea what she was talking about and she asked did I want a new bathroom door or didn't What about cars? I asked. Is there a court in the land which would not bring to bear the maximum weight of the law against the taking and driving away of an H-reg Nissan, even though you plead, "It was parked next to a skip, m'lud. I thought the owner had ditched Caroline considered this proposition for some time. Then she called me a name.Twilight was gleaming.

I wished I had a dog. The eyes of a thousand net curtains, it seemed, were upon me. "What's a man doing walking alone and dog-less at this time of the evening?" "About to take something from the ethically grey area surrounding a skip, I shouldn't wonder." I walked past the panelled door. Then retraced my steps and in, as it were, passing, picked it up, carried it home and deposited it in the front garden. Having done it, I felt rakish.

A Nietzschean, above the ran of bourgeois morality. The following morning the door had gone. Somebody, possibly the owner, had nicked it. Both Caroline and I are writing novels. What can I say? What is your favourite book? East Of Eden: John Steinbeck.

What is your favourite fantasy? Talking poetry with Eric Cantona. How did you vote in the last election? Labour. How will you vote in the next election? Labour. Do you believe in capital punishment? No. Do you believe in monogamy? Yes.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? Neal the dog. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Well he would, wouldn't he? What would improve the quality of your life? Fluent French. How would you like to die? In a state of grace. How would you like to be remembered? That the world is just a teeny little bit duller without me. What is the most important lesson life has taught you? No one ever promised that it was going to he fair.

Compiled by Rosanna Greenstreet What is your idea of perfect happiness? The English seaside in winter, an empty beach, my man, my dog and me. With which historical figure do you most identify? Joan of Arc. 1 keep getting my fingers burnt. Which living person do you most admire? Derrick, lie saved my life. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Fear.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Jealousy. What is your most embarrassing moment? I think it's about to arrive. What makes you depressed? Schadenfreude. What do you most dislike about your appearance? Just about everything What is your favourite word? Ludicrous. but you know No 22: "(Men only) Thou shalt not ask strangers die and No 38, about the ownership of builder's rubble.

But Moses, always a man in a hurry, said: "I've got a presentation in 10 minutes. Just a few bullet points to get me through," and grabbed the first 10 before the stone was even cold. The Bible offers little guidance to those about to remove a stripped-pine panelled door from the side of a skip Simon Rae THE RED AT Ancestral voice Oh? SCovi) THOUGHTS 11 vire, Europe holds its breath as young men die, Young men devoted to their brutal cause Who faced death falling from a cloudless sky Just as in all the century's previous wars. Fingers crossed for peace talks round the table, "Rejoice, Rejoice!" a phrase that springs to mind. And if the horse has galloped from the stable.

Then armies wait to boh the door behind. After the record-breaking long hot summer sun's Distracting and anaesthetising heat, September opens with the crash of guns And headlines brag of Victory, Defeat, While glorifying Peace. ''I was ever thus. The message to aggressors is made plain: Pressure with the minimum of fuss. I listory repeats itself again.

itlTT i i yr uf ptUL Moor. The Guardian Weekend September 9 1995.