The Guardian from London, Greater London, England • 45

Contents Zeitgeist Tom Bussmann Foreword Alexander Chancellor: Paradise lost 7 David Newnham: Car trouble 8 Jon Ronson: Mouth almighty 1 0 Features 22 'Move the idea of everything being cosy; but I know that as soon as it gets cosy, it isn't going to last much longer' Cover Story 14 When Lawrence Donegan finally realised th.t he was never going to be a world-class golfer, he did the next best thing instead he became a caddy. Only problem was, his new boss wasn't in the Faldo class either OR 'Theslither-of-chiffon-and-silk slip-dress or camisole is looking set to flutter very prettily in October's gale-force winds' 3 Tiut myrK Inn unnnn 99 i Terry Hall has been the dour face of English pop for 20 years. And it's not an ironic pose, as Michael Bracewell discovers when he delves into the musician's dark past Departments Fashion The shops are full of autumnwear, so what do we wear until then, asks Susannah Frankel 26 Food drink Stuff it, says Rowley Leigh or else you'll never know how good a tomato can taste 28 Superplonk 29 Colour supplement off the year with a hippo. This is a thick plastic bag one places in one's cistern, thereby saving one three litres per flush. Which is all most praiseworthy, ma'am, providing that that which is flushed is amenable to disappearing from the royal gaze after one meagre flush.

Otherwise one might be in there for hours whistling and waiting for a refill. Or does HM the have someone to do that for her? A lady-in-wairing, waiting in the ladies, perchance? By the by, a total scoundrel in Yankee parlance is a Any connection? Tirana boom today Fancy a 1997 Mercedes? Only three months old, dark blue going on black. The air-con allows you to choose the smell of bananas, oranges or strawberries. Yours for $10,000. Where? Albania, which now has so many stolen Mercs entering the country at giveaway prices that the one legitimate dealership has given up.

But there's a gnat in the yoghourt. Your impressive-looking ownership documents may not convince Greek customs, and your car will finish up confiscated at the border. Which seems to limit your luxury touring to the delights of Albania. Happy motoring! Party party Remember the Lenin shipyard in Gdansk? And how the communist authorities were overthrown by the intrepid dockers, and capitalism triumphed? And fired all the intrepid dockers, and closed down the shipyard? But hey, now it's party time, as one of the abandoned warehouses has been re-opened as a disco. The theme for the decor is a prison motif and has iron bars all around the dance-floor.

Gdansking in the dark. Hot spot Not to be outdone, a bigger venue beckons the fun-loving with a sense of adventure. Yes, it's the Kazan tip Festival in the Ukraine. Two weeks of nonstop hedonism culminate in a party attended by 30,000 screaming teens. They will boogie the night away in the main hall of the complex, which housed a giant nuclear reactor back in the Brezhnev era.

Built with the loving skill diat gave an admiring world the Mir space station. Soon the kids will be heading back to Moscow, tired, happy, and glowing. The cat's away Time for Tony to come back and bang a couple of heads together. IfPrescottand Mandelson can't behave, they can jolly well toss for who gets to be the next governor of Montserrat, and who gets to be the next MP for Paisley South. Burger that JeffBollingis suing McDonald's, claiming he found a rolled-lip condom in a Big Mac bought from the company's restaurant in Hoover, Alabama.

McDonald's insists the condom was put into the burger after it left the premises. Sex with fast-food strikes one as a new phenomenon, but probably safer than eating the stuff, providing sensible precautions are taken. There's plainly a need for wholesome entertainment in Hoover, Alabama. Tomcattin' The Cats Protection League warns that we're in for a plague of seven million stray cats by 2010. Only solution is to neuter every cat not intended for breeding.

The national Canine Defence League has discovered that 1 06,000 stray dogs were rounded up by local authorities last year, of which 1 7,000 were destroyed, costing the taxpayer 11.5 million. By a happy coincidence, doctors want condoms made available on the NHS, at a cost of some 1 50m. This is to cut the cost of unwanted pregnancies and sexually-transmitted diseases. Perhaps the solution suggested by the Cats Protection League should be tried first on the population at large. It might well be cheaper, and would certainly be more effective.

Doggone Johann Georg Lahner has finally had a statue erected in his honour in the town of Gas-selhof, northeast Bavaria. Lahner was born 225 years ago, and opened his first butcher's shop in Vienna in 1 804, where he invented the hot dog. The ceremony was marred by the news that health officials in Tbilisi, Georgia, chose that day to warn that illegal factories are turning out fake hot dogs made from rats, mice and chopped-up newspapers. The news goes from bad to wurst. Water music As frugal as she is regal, our gracious Queen has decreed that every royal loo be fitted 28 'Stuffing may well be the tomato's apotheosis.

This may seem an ignominious fate, but then we're not great staffers in this country' 34 'The road Into Death Valley Is an American classic arrow straight, with a yellow line guiding the way. No wonder the highway Is the stuff of legend' Homes gardens If you want to create your own mosaic, you'll spend far more than a night on the tiles. Bibi van der Zee calls in the experts 30 Christopher Lloyd's autumn sonata 33 Style 31 Cuttings 33 Travel Unlikely as it may seem, California isn't all Baywatch and Beverly Hills 902 1 0. Paul Kelso trips into the interior of the Golden State 34 Travelogue 39 Last Word David Stafford goes Wilde again 41 Nick Pope knows the truth is out there 41 Dulcie Domum is in the doghouse 43 Biff 10 Solutions 36 Simon Rae 41 Red cat 41 Office politics 43 Urban myths 43 Doris 43 Sports page 44 Final say 46 Steven Appleby 46 Cover photograph of Lawrence Oonegan caddylng for Ross Drummond at the 1096 British Open by Tom Jenkins i HMPSDftHnSf99BV595fNHP5fW mhhBBHHHHbHbHbHHHHI njnn8HnHH iff IhHHIbbbbHB uj bHIbHHbIBBbIbBBHbBBBBBbI HBHHimfiHBHBBBBBBBH HfsHSBNnHBHHIHlBHI bbVbB99IbhHbHbBbbHbbbH bbbbbbBcjShHIbbbbbbbbbbbTbIbbm bbHbIbHbbmH BBBBflBBJBBBBBBBs HbbbHbbbbbbS The Guardian Weekend August 2 3 1997.