The Oshkosh Northwestern from Oshkosh, Wisconsin • Page 27

Mono. AjGuST 3. 1998 05 Entertainment MONDAY AFTERNOONEVENING AUGUST 3, 1998 (S)-ln Stereo; E-Closed-Captioned; (PA)-Network Parental Advisory 4:30 I 5:00 I 5:30 I 6:00 I 6:30 I 7:00 I 7:30 I 8:00 I 8:30 I 9:00 I 9:30 1 10:00 1 10:30 1 11:00 1 11:30 1 12:00 1 12:30 1:00 I 1:30 I 2:00 2:30 I 3:00 I 3:30 4:00 I OSMKOM NOftTHWESTEm One Ute to Uvt Kj A Genera Hospital 14 5. Howie Manoel Smoer Inside Hard Copy News 1512 ABC World News32 Home America Funniest 2uj20X9o64 Practice ceior and News Semtttd Nigmiinel Poirticatly People Court Otar UAnri times. (S B154 Editions 67 News Improve- Home Videos Houflni Uxa oe'ena a com star 550574 "Tr 3, Incorrect I Xsj5jc17 "ol" 63 Tonight I itienl iS) '6' wanrace ea-r-nprg accused af wc tier Caaane'fS1 liwlue7 19 12 VOOm ifii iS, I 4c36 r.u5Mnfl SnX9629 76'66C9 NBC Sunset Beach 14 74645 Anothsi World '14 13319 AmJoumal pardy 16 News 51 News 35 News6660 News15 News 26 Fortune 6 Movie: Pandora's Clock' il996r14 31233 Dateline tSj 4796 News I Toregr Show 357636C4 EflrnS)! Ule Night 14 9371013 Tum IS) Guiding light (S) '14 I Frasier Jeopardy! Oprah Winfrey PG News 3512 CBS News 4970 Wheel of Cosby Everybody Everybody i Murphy 48 Hours Tata; Mstase" News Late Show Actresses Late Late Show (Sj G' ICrime I43bu67 53951 Ponce 5066 433 Evening Fortune I MjsT (R) Loves Loves Brown R) 75512 1167970 Drew Barrymore aid 9736777 Strike tBS Story "(S) NewsiS) 222 iSi G' JC Raymond Raymond 'Si'U'X UmKav Lonan.

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AZUbwis The facts are in: You're fat I 'Saving Private Ryan' keeps No. 1 slot Dave Barry or A (J Associated Press FIRST LADY HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON, right, talks with director Steven Spielberg and his wife, Kate Capshaw, Sunday before departing East Hampton Airport in East Hampton, N.Y. As the Clintons spent the weekend at the Spielberg's home, Spielberg spent the weekend atop And so the NIH convened a panel of experts in the Washington, D.C., area, convening a panel of experts is easier than getting a pizza delivered and they came up with a new, much stricter, set of guidelines, under which, to quote the NIH report, "basically every U.S. citizen, living or dead, is classified as overweight except the woman who plays Monica on These guidelines are based on something called the "Body Mass Index," which is calculated really by dividing body weight in kilograms by height in meters squared. This makes for a perfect federal guideline, because nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is.

The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system. Most of us could never in a rnillion years figure out our own Body Mass Index, so it's only a matter of time before the Internal Revenue Service requires us to include it on our tax returns. But the point is that if you're an American, you're overweight. The question is: Who is responsible? I interviewed the U.S. Surgeon General about this, and he or she told me: "I blame food.

It's everywhere! Some mornings I wake up and there are Snickers bars in bed with me! I'm taking up smoking." You may rest assured that we here in journalism will keep you updated on this important story until we get bored with it later today. Meanwhile, we ask that you help "keep us on our toes" by reporting any inaccuracies you find in this column, or anywhere else, to the publisher of this newspaper, Citizen Kane. Who by the way could stand to lose a few kilograms. the box office, raking in another $23.3 million for his "Saving Private Ryan." LOS ANGELES (AP) The graphic World War II epic "Saving Private Ryan" kept its lock on the No. 1 box office slot while Disney's remake of "The Parent Trap" opened in second place, according to industry estimates Sunday.

Two other new films, "The Negotiator" and "Ever After," placed fourth and fifth, respectively. Steven Spielberg's tale, starring Tom Hanks as a captain ordered to find and send home a private whose three brothers have been killed in action, had an estimated $23.3 million in ticket sales in its second week. It now has grossed $73 million. "The Parent Trap" brought in $11.5 million for the weekend after a strong Wednesday opening that gave it a cumulative total of $16.6 million. The remake benefited from an audience that still remembers the 1961 original, Buena Vista Pictures said.

"There are a terrific number of women who saw the first one who are going in groups some with their children, some without," said Phil Bartlow, Buena Vista's president of distribution. "We're also getting some of the teen-age girls." Lindsay Lohan stars in the dual role of twin girls played by Hay-ley Mills in the original who try to reunite their divorced mother and father, played by Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. "There's Something About Mary," a raunchy comedy that opened three weeks ago as a surprise hit, moved up a notch to third place with $11 million to beat out the "The Negotiator." That police drama, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey, debuted with $10.4 million, according to Exhibitor Relations Co. Inc.

"There's Something About Mary" saw its ticket sales falj a relatively paltry 12 percent from the previous week. "This is a farcical comedy that works," said Art Rockwell, analyst for Drake and Co. "It's got incredible legs. It's just not dropping off." Today I have an extremely important topic to discuss with you, but before I decide what it is, I need to "set the record straight" on something: In a recent column, I made a statement that turned out to be inaccurate. Yes.

Although the error was corrected by a few alert editors, many newspapers, tragically, did not catch it. My statement was that Gleem toothpaste used to have an ingredient called "Gardol," which created an Invisible Protective Shield that deflected baseballs. This is simply not true. It was actually COLGATE toothpaste that had Gardol. I am not sure what Gleem had in the way of a cavity-fighter.

I know it wasn't Bucky Beaver, because he was affiliated with Ipana toothpaste, although eventually he developed a drinking problem and wound up working in porno cartoons. I'm thinking maybe Gleem had that obnoxious little tooth who was always getting tied to the railroad tracks by Mister Tooth Decay. But I don't want to speculate on this until I have all the facts. VChy am I so concerned about accuracy? Because American journalism which had already sunk to the same level of public trust as Charles Manson recently had a series of embarrassing incidents in which writers for respected magazines and newspapers simply made up quotations and sources. The most prominent example was The Washington Post, which on June 24 was forced to print a front-page statement admitting that there is not, nor has there ever been, any "Marion Barry." In an effort to find out what's behind this disturbing trend of reporters inventing sources, I interviewed the president of The American Association of Journalists, Warren Cormorant Jr.

"Why do journalists make up sources and quotations?" Cormorant asked rhetorically, as he leaned back in his worn leather chair and idly scratched his scalp with a Dorito shard. "I'll tell you why. Because when we interview real people, they talk too fast for us 3. "There's Something About Mary," $11 million. 4.

"The Negotiator," $10.4 million. 5. "Ever After," $8.5 million. 5. "The Mask of Zorro," $8.5 million.

7. "Lethal Weapon 4," $7.7 million. 8. "Armageddon," $7.5 million. 9.

"Doctor Dolittle," $4.4 million. 10. "Mafia," $3.6 million. to write it down, plus they never say anything interesting. I know for a fact that Kenneth Starr is a hermaphrodite." Be that as it may, my point is that this column is dedicated to giving you, as accurately as possible, the information that you need to lead an informed, productive and happy life, which is why today I am pleased to report that, according to guidelines recently adopted by the federal government regarding body weight, the odds are that you, personally, are a big wad of fat.

Perhaps you are wondering why the federal government, an institution that encompasses not only Newt Gingrich, but also both of President Clinton's thighs, is setting standards for body weight. The answer can be found in the U.S. Constitution, which states that the primary function of the government is, quote, "to constantly think up rules and guidelines that no real person can understand, let alone follow." The shining federal example is of course, the Internal Revenue Service, which has done such a fine job that as of 1997, only nine U.S citizens were in full compliance with all tax regulations, and six of those people perished while undergoing the IRS's new "Jungle Challenge" auditing program. So anyway, several years ago, the National Institutes of Health was alarmed to discover that, under the federal body-weight guidelines, only one-third of all Americans were classified as overweight. This meant that a shocking TWO-THIRDS of Americans were within federal weight guidelines, which is a flagrant violation of federal guidelines regarding federal guidelines.

"Ever After," starring Drew Barrymore and Anjelica Huston in a new twist on the Cinderella story, opened with $8.5 million to tie for fifth place with The Mask of Zorro." "Lethal Weapon 4" placed seventh with $7.7 million, breaking the $100 million mark in its fourth week. Here are estimated grosses for the top movies at North American theaters for Friday through Sunday as compiled by Exhibitor Relations, Inc. Final figures were expected today: 1. "Saving Private Ryan," $23.3 million. 2.

"The Parent Trap," $1 1.5 million. FREE CONCERT Thursday, August 6 Riverside Park, Oshkosh Grounds open at 5 p.m. Any Time Anywhere Picnics Buffets Weddings Sandwich Buffets Company Parties' Breakfasts Funeral Plate Style Showers- Box Lunches Graduations Hors d'oeuryes House Parties Deli Tray Birthdays Side Dishes Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him co Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132. If lm THE MAGIC AND ENCHANTMENT Of THE MUSICAL BREAKFAST BUFFET Music from p.m.

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