Tallahassee Democrat from Tallahassee, Florida • Page 82

Tallahassee Aug. 2, 19923F TIMEOUT Wsgircg wmr wftifa vwMWe (BUsmaHy, tHh.3 sMheiry Edondl Vf Dave Barry On the same day that President Bush and his entourage Hew down to the Earth Summit in Brazil for the purpose of not signing the biodiversity treaty, I was sprinkling Dr. Ts "Snake-A-Way" brand snake repellent around our yard. This was necessary because, unfortunately, our yard violates the No. 1 rule of yard design, which is: "Never locate your yard in South Florida." South Florida is smack dab in the middle of a permanent weather system that weather scientists call "The Big Armpit," meaning that it is hot and humid and prone to producing mutant growths.

If you want biodiversity, hang around our yard, preferably with a flamethrower. For example, at certain times of the year, our yard features absurdly large grasshoppers. I am talking about grasshoppers that could replace the dogs at maximum-security prisons: GUARD: Warden! Mass murderer William R. "The Human Veg-O-Matic" Weeberman has escaped! WARDEN: OK, then, release "King." GUARD (shuddering): If you say so. Get him, King! KING: SPROINNGGGG GUARD: Look at the ALTITUDE on that sucker.

He's gonna land at least a half-mile VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: AIEEEEEEEE! WARDEN: Tell the body-recovery team to look for a motionless lump covered with brown spit guessed, turned out to be giving artificial respiration to a piranha. I'm still not making this up. "The man had a fishbowl between his legs with a piranha swimming around Inside," states the article. "The man was blowing air through the straw into the bowl to help keep the tank aerated." The man was not charged, although the piranha turned out to have several outstanding assault warrants. No, just kidding.

But I'm not kidding about Dr. Ts Snake-A-Way brand snake repellent I got it from reader Gene Watts, who belongs to the Marine Corps League, which sent a bunch of this stuff to Operation Desert Shield troops to protect them from scorpions. Watts says it repels snakes, scorpions and "big lizards." (The League is willing to send more of this stuff, free, to armed-forces personnel; write to Desert Project P.O. Box 16605, Panama City, 32406.) I can vouch for Snake-A-Way. The only drawback is that since the main ingredient is sulfur, my yard sometimes smells like a giant socially unacceptable intestinal event But this is a small price to pay.

Since I sprinkled it I have not seen a single snake OR scorpion OR big lizard. Or, come to think of it an Iraqi tank unit Dave Barry is a columnist for the Miami Herald's Tropic magazine. are designed to break if they are subjected to abnormal stress, such as water passing through them) once gave ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION to one of these snakes. I am not making this up. His name (the man, I mean) is Pat Granat, and here is exactly what he told me: "I stepped on this snake, and I think I kind of knocked the wind out of him.

So I picked him up and put his head in my mouth and blew on him, like a balloon, and he woke right up." WARNING: Do not attempt this with a snake in your area unless you are certain that at least one of you is wearing a condom. In fact, you should be cautious when conducting artificial respiration on ANY life form. I base this statement on an article from the Columbia Basin (Wash.) Herald, written by Michael Wagar and sent in by alert reader Rich Clemson. The article states that Grant County Sheriff Bill Wiester was in a restaurant when he noticed a man acting suspiciously in a car outside. "The man appeared to be snorting cocaine, complete with a red straw near his nose," states the article.

"The man was dropping his head down with the straw for a few seconds." Sheriff Wiester called for more police, who converged on the suspect, who, as you have no doubt But I have no quarrel with the grasshoppers. My quarrel is with the snakes. Our yard has a large and active colony of a species of snake known to snake scientists as "prank snakes." The way a prank snake attacks its prey is, it lies down on the lawn directly in the path that the prey takes from its house to the little office in the back where it (the prey) writes its newspaper column. The snake holds perfectly still until the prey is just about to step on it, then YIKES It rears its head up and slithers a few feet, causing the prey to flinch violently and splash hot coffee onto itself and dance around and make noises like a small porpoise in big trouble. Then the snake slithers off to exchange "low five" tail-slaps with its friends.

The snakes have done this to me twice, so I am not fond of them. I was especially disturbed to learn that theman who constantly repairs our lawn sprinklers (everybody in South Florida has lawn sprinklers, which BEGINNER'S CORNER Shelby Lyman SOLVE-IT AFTER 21 Kxg2 Tal 1 8 1 mvfm am HI Hi piece, which one would you I said. "I would choose to be a passed pawn," he replied with a gleam in his eye. "But why a passed pawn?" I asked. "Because then I would have a future," he answered with a warm but ironic smile.

Below is a famous and wonderfully dynamic draw played with Bobby Fischer in the mm Bfi HIS. iH 11 A 1960 Leipzig World Chess Olympics. It grandmaster embraced life to its fullest always grateful for the considerable blessings bestowed on him. I first met Tal, a vital dark-haired youth with a piercing but friendly stare and a striking personal charisma, in 1956. Thirty years later, I met him again in Brussels.

Before me there appeared a man who seemed 10 or 15 years older than his actual chronological age. But it was the same Tal with the same chess powers and wit even more respected and admired than before by those around him. "Mischa," I asked him during an interview a few days later, "Twenty-five years ago, you said the best game you ever played was with your young wife on your honeymoon." "It is still the best game," he quickly replied. "Another question: if you could be a chess a 1 1 ft Mikhail Tal, the former world champion who recently died in Moscow at the age of 55, was an authentic genius of chess. So awesome were his mental powers that one famous grandmaster complained that it was unfair to have to play Tal, because he had the memory and calculating ability of a computer.

But Tal was much more than a human chess machine. He was an elemental creative force as well, a man who had a passionate love affair with chess and life itself. His brilliance at the chessboard, charming wit modesty and warmth earned him worldwide admiration and affection. From his youth, the "magician of Riga" suffered from chronic and often debilitating illness, resulting finally in his premature death. But despite his poor health, the gifted 111 fltfll Pi sal a WHITE WINS THE QUEEN Whita movat Fischer Tal ll.

Nf3 Qc7 12. Bb5 Bd7 1. e4 e6 13. oo OOO 2. d4 d5 14.

Bg5 Nxe5 3. Nc3 Bb4 15. Nxe5 Bxb5 4. e5 c5 16. Nxf7 Bxfl 5.

a3 Ba5 n. Nxd8 Rxg5 6. b4 cxd4 18. Nxe6 Rxg2ch 7. Qg4 Ne7 19.

KM Qe5 8. bxa5 dxc3 20. Rxfl Qxe6 9. Qxg7 Rg8 21. Kxg2 Qg4ch 10.

Qxh7 N(8)c6 Draw. abode Fischer BLACK TO PLAY (See teit game score) 'Note: White cannot avoid perpetual check. BEGINNER'S CORNER: Divert its defender. 3 South dealer Both sides vulnerable NORTH 752 09532 K52 DMVBPAPOSQ UAQVM KUNK, LUDDOS QV HO DWUNPSY YLVKQ, PQ'K QLO VSWN QPEO ZVS'Q OUMPSY HVVK." Today's Cryptoquip clue: equals WEST 643 PQJ107 OQ864 J8 EAST A1098 998 O107 Q10976 eight tricks. If you have 20-20 vision, you can tell that South could make his ninth trick in diamonds by leading out the A-K-J instead of trying the finesse.

This plan works if the six missing diamonds break 3-3 or if either the 10 or queen drops singleton or doubleton. South can later lead a club to dummy's king to cash the good nine of diamonds. Which plan is more likely to succeed if you can't see all four hands? Declarer's actual plan, depending on a simple finesse, gave him a 50-percent chance of success. If South adopts the other plan, his chances are almost 36 percent of finding the diamonds 3-3 plus almost 30 percent more of dropping a doubleton queen or 10. 65 percent is very much better than 50 percent Alfred Sheinwold and Frank Stewart "That was the strongest hand I've held in years," South remarked after playing today's hand.

"I enjoyed picking it up." South's opening bid promised balanced distribution, strength in all four suits, and 25 to 27 high-card points. North passed happily and thought he was lucky to lose only 100 points with his horrible 3-point hand. Expecting to win two tricks in each suit, South refused the first heart, won the next, knocked out the ace of spades, and won the spade return. South then cashed the ace of diamonds, led a club to dummy's king and returned a diamond to finesse with the jack. Unfortunately for South, West had the queen of diamonds, and the hearts failed to break 3-3.

South could therefore take only I THAT SCRAMBLED WORD GAME el 1 by Henri Arnold ana bod uee Unscramble these six Jumbles, one letter to each square, to form six ordinary words. SOUTH KQJ VAK52 OAKJ A43 South West North East 3 NT All Pass Opening lead This is what you'll all be eating -v I pfy to TE I IL 3 I 7 3 3 Lj 3 I m3N rt. vn IJh 3. i oN I I dQS "Tj" 1 8 a nTtH i a JT.V niov als To i i EzJn 3 rrr.r. mla a sm ono sja iJn aov 3 1N3H xti i now tjOoaOTooo 3 3 1 3 SLlT 1LJ9 vTOOlN I ZOO LgtQRL'ff makJop was nTT i vJ" y.p a i sMn ohg ijon i 3 3 a 3 2M lH tjd Frffi 3 1 Q03 nlj3 i nVfo TPs I OliM 3 3 3 HJ3 A Nj3 Id pfslof I a 3 hi.

i i oq 3 3 DlTld 3 Id fl QC-Y- I 3 Tp 3 3LJ 3 803 I Id 1 SVd iiiliBMlIS 3 I ft HVN 321 dFtu V. 3.JN 1 1 3Uoyo3UNvhi3UvoNTA BORDIF I JJJ.lj i SOPPEO I 1 1 1 i NEUQUI I in In TOOWWKl 1 nl i i POWNEA I 1 I i 1 DINCIT I 1 ni THIS SHOULC? 5E SUFFICIENT TO START THEM Now arrange the circled letters to form the surprise answer, as suggested by the above cartoon. Tallahassee Bridge Club: July 22 Handicap Game. 1st Al Smith and Bob Warsik. 2nd Wilbur Bate and Jack Robertson.

3rd Jeff Rasmussen and Le-Moyne Cash. July 24 NS 1st and overall Howard Gillingham and Allan Dean. 2nd Bronnie Wiegnan and Martha Steele. 3rd Wilbur Bate and Carrie Marquess. EW 1st Pam and Ed Wild.

2nd Dorothy Brickler and Sandy Ballas. 3rd Steve Reznik and Amy Peterson. July 27. NS 1st Mel Klein and Steven Whitaker. 2nd Arlene Adcock and Wilbur Bate.

3rd Bettye Williams and Bess Conley. EW 1st Ruth Ann Reese and Bill Finlaw. 2nd Don King and Lillian Chipman. 3rd Rene and Dorothy Manes. Here are this week's Tallahassee duplicate-bridge club winners: King of Clubs: July 22.

1st Dorothy La Brecque and Arlene Adcock. 2nd Sara Budd and Pete Ballas. July 23. 1st Margaret MacNeish and Al Applegate. 2nd and 3rd tie Dorothy Brickler, Sandy Ballas, Pete Ballas and Bess Conley.

July 28. 1st John and Royce Meier. 2nd Ed Wild and Steve Reznik. 3rd Bettye Williams and Bronnie Wiegman. 4th Al Smith and Sarah Budd.

Capital City: July 23 1st Arlene Adcock and Cecila Linder. 2nd Bob Warsik and Betty Devine. PRINT YOUR ANSWER IN THE CIRCLES BELOW m-'in 1 ONIHV3H ONM I.NCKI I HIAIII A1NO 3HI S.II 'IS0H9 ONIAVld H9 01 N3ddVH I 'SAVS H01DV yiflOOldAHD 8xb (pauuid si UMBd am) 9WI iMH 'I aaiuoo sauu8aa ssavQ uSRam 3Hi oi aaoA vmi 'uodBan 'mojmox 'anbiufi 'asoddo 'piqaoj quinf SUPER JUMBLE PUIItl BOOK. 224 pagaa of mo tMMM MkW villabM lot 1 1.41, Hid. poatagp tM KarWHng.

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