Tallahassee Democrat from Tallahassee, Florida • Page 87

Tallahassee Jan. 19, 19923G TIME OUT Vczce rarsll (3ti3 ideas frcmilta phone company) Pi Dave Barry The telephone company is working night and day to turn your life into a giant wad of convenience. Q. Can you explain how Electronic Voice Mail works? I A. To find out how Electronic Voice Mail works, please select Answer One.

Q. How do I do that? A. To find out how to select Answer One, please select Answer Two. I Q. OK, I select Answer Two.

I A. To select Answer One, say "I select Answer One." Q. I select Answer One. A. Say "Pretty please with sugar on top." I Q.

TELL ME THE ANSWER RIGHT NOW OR I'LL STRANGLE YOU WITH THIS TELEPHONE CORD. A. OK Voice Mail is a system that has been developed to eliminate the irritation of being placed on "hold" by large companies and replace it with the irritation of having an electronic voice that sounds like your grandmother after an unsuccessful brain operation ask you a series of multiple-choice questions that you must answer correctly if you wish to speak to an actual human being, who will place you on "hold." Q. Is the telephone company developing any other new products or services? A. Yes.

The telephone company is working night and day to turn your life into a giant wad of convenience. Very soon, for example, you will be able to obtain a new telephone service called "Call ing: "(YOUR NAME) IS TRYING TO CONTACT YOU BY TELEPHONE PLEASE CALL (YOUR NAME) RIGHT NOW. THIS MESSAGE WILL BE REPEATED IN FIVE SECONDS. THANK YOU." Q. Wow.

A. For an additional $5 a month, the voice sounds like Olive OyL Q. Is there any defense against "Call A. Your best bet is "Call Handling," which was designed for when companies randomly dial your number at dinner time and pretend to be taking surveys when in fact they want to sell you things. With "Call Handling," which costs an additional $49.50 per month, you simply notify the telephone company that you do not wish to receive calls from these companies.

Q. And then what happens? A. The company owners are eaten by snakes. Q. What about the people who invented "Voice Mail'? A.

Them, too. Q. Slowly? A. Yes. Q.

Good. Dave Barry is a columnist for the Miami Herald's Tropic magazine. and she doesn't want to mess up her own car; or my child's day-care center is calling to inform me that my child got into a dispute involving Play-Doh, and the other child involved is expected to regain at least some of her hearing, but her father, a federal judge and karate instructor, would urgently like to see me? A. For situations like this, there will be a special Emergency Code that the caller could dial. Q.

What would that do? A. Nothing. Q. What if I need to reach a party who has "Call Preventing'? A. Then you'll want to purchase another exciting new telephone-company service called "Call Stalking." With this service, which costs an additional $39.50 a month, if the person you're calling fails to answer for any reason such as that he is not home, or has moved and left no forwarding address, or has entered the Federal Witness Protection Program, or is in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes the size of garden hoses in his nose the telephone company's computers, which keep track of all Americans via tiny transmitters in our dental fillings, will locate the person and instruct orbiting communications satellites to aim beams of powerful microwave radiation directly into his brain, so that every five seconds he'll hear a loud voice that sounds like Orson Welles echoing inside his skull, say Preventing." Q.

How will that work? A. To find out how that will work, say Q. DONT START THAT AGAIN. A. "Call preventing" is an exciting new advance in communications, whereby for a $22.50 additional monthly charge, your telephone company will prevent anybody from reaching you by telephone.

Q. What happens if a person dials my number? A. Nothing. Q. What if it's an emergency, such as my mother is calling because she needs me to drive her cat to the veterinarian because it's throwing up critical organs SOLVE-IT AFTER 17 RXC3? -Shelby Lyman Karpov Hoffman praises Brady for his ability to capture the milieu in which Fischer developed.

'The book describes skillfully," he explains, "what it was like to play chess as Fischer grew up." Below is a win by ex-world champion An-atoly Karpov over the Russian grandmaster Yevgeny Bareyev from the 1991 Tilburg In-terpolis Tournament. Karpov became champion in 1975, when Fischer forfeited his title. 1 I've long been an admirer of Frank Bra-Idy's meticulous in-depth biography "Bobby Eischer Profile of a Prodigy." Brady, a long- BEGINNER'S CORNER 8 I i Qme friend of Fischer, played a major role on the American chess scene as editor, writer and organizer during Fischer's formative se WWW years. But despite his own involvement, he for Fischer to be out of the public eye. He is one of the few important prodigies America has produced, an authentic genius, the Mozart of chess.

"Seemingly brash and self-confident, Fischer is a loner who struggled to achieve greatness against enormous odds. America loves the underdog. Curiously, Fischer was even more of a hero to Russians than Americans. "In the '50s and '60s there was a crisis in American education. We had an inferiority complex vis-a-vis the Russians.

Remember Sputnik? The Russians placed enormous importance on their chess prowess, and suddenly there was an American chess genius able to compete with on their own terms. His victory was a shock to their cultural nervous system." manages a remarkably restrained and objective account of the Brooklyn chess genius. JLwWiL iBi' Recently, film rights to the book were cquired by Darnay Hoffman rums ror $100,000. Hoffman, a lawyer from a family Bareyev Karpov 12. Qc2 Qc8 1.

d4 Nf6 13. R(a)cl N(c)e4 2. c4 e6 14. h3 Rd8 3. Nf3 b6 15.

g4 d6 4. g3 Ba6 16. Qd3 Nxc3 5. Qa4 Bb7 17. Rxc3? e5! 6.

Bg2 c5 18. g5 Nh5 7. dxc5 Bxc5 19. Bel e4 8. 0-0 0-0 20.

Qd4 exf3 9. Nc3 Be7 21. Bxf3 Bxf3 10. Bf4 Na6 22. Rxf3 Bf8 11.

R(f)dl Nc5 23. b3 Re8 with a background in radio and theater, has a WHITE MATES IN 2 White moves 24. Rd2 Qc6 White resigns (a) White is a piece be-hind with negligible compensation. a be Bareyev BLACK TO PLAY (See tet 4 game score) "Jong been fascinated by the Fischer phenom-; enon and its TV and film potential. "Now is the time to tell Fischer's story," Hoffman.

"Twenty years is a long time Fiiim: Alfred Sheinwold North dealer East-West vulnerable NORTH AQJ OAQJ7 QJ6 IHVU MJOUMAOUCGM' MUOOKPB ANMZUHKAM VJQ FKB QKWWUCUPAU NW NRKPKNP FSH HVUD'OO ZJGU SR. Today's Cryptoquip clue: equals WEST None 7K1073 OK1052 AK874 EAST 8743 VJ962 0984 92 four spades. The contract would still depend on the diamond finesse. If South puts up the ace of hearts at Trick Four, as he should, he can immediately try a finesse with the queen of diamonds. If that succeeds, South takes the A-Q of spades, overtakes the jack of spades with the king and then repeats the diamond finesse.

If the diamond finesses succeed, as they do in the diagram, South then cashes the ace of diamonds to discard the queen of hearts. If East has the king of diamonds, South is sure to go down no matter who has the king of hearts. But if the diamond finesse succeeds, South can make the contract as long as he disregards the chance to take the heart finesse. Your reason for taking a finesse is to gain a trick if a missing high card is in favorable position. You shouldn't take the finesse if you can't possibly gain but can only lose by doing so.

In today's deal, West cashes the top clubs and leads a third club for East to ruff. East then returns the deuce of hearts. Should South try the heart finesse? South should play the queen of hearts if he (1) has more money than brains; (2) doesn't give a hoot for his partner, (3) is too tired to think; or (4) all of the above. The heart finesse is irrelevant. If East happens to hold the king of hearts, South could win a heart trick by playing the queen, but he'd be no nearer to making I THAT SCRAMBLED WORD GAME By Henri Arnold ana boo lbs Unscramble these six Jumbles, one letter to each square, to form six ordinary words.

HAVE YOU FOUND OUT THE SOURCE OF THAT MOONSHINE YET? SOUTH K109652 063 10 5 3 South West 4 All Pass North East 1 NT Pass Opening lead lossv-no39 oris 1 9 3 3iVN LLl MlAsLJi.M-nAlAv9... JL1 IM oQi 3jv 1J aolc Zj rN IDs 3 a ycl loo 1 nTUoOOOLIS 39V jjslis 1 I i sns iio oga i slvld sn 3 i vHn i 3 SO Vi ifa 3 1V 3 3 A 7jO 1 9 vTl JA 1. 3 A 3 ol i p. a B(1. ZPP 1 Q3.MS 1 hPs i 1 TjA 3 a 9LJV 1EJS 1 1S3 A I 103 0 3 I OO 1 3 9 1 I s.11 vji oo o21 sjno 1 I Sd1: I 0O3 hi I MC 31 OH 3 3d 3Us dD3 1 vLfs 11V "ti.lli.

il 11 ji vfj sldlollls'ljslil i IvoJon I lol9J BLEETE I ni I CUB Mm um ttr, Mt fm 'ill ARROMT I i 0 TISSIN I 1 1 INDATE 1 1 i LACKET in hi 1 TIPPUL in I Now arrange the circled letters to form the surprise answer, as suggested by the above cartoon. At least 11 Olympic-related stamps will be issued this year; last year, the Postal Service issued nine stamps promoting the Olympics, including the high-value $14 international express-mail stamp. Collectors of first-day covers may purchase the strip of Winter Olympic stamps, affix them on self-addressed envelopes and send requests to Customer Affixed Envelopes, Winter Olympic Games Stamps, Postmaster, 10401 Tradeport Orlando, FL, 32862-9991. If the Postal Service affixes stamps, a check or money order of $1.45 for the strip of five and a large self-addressed envelope should be sent to Five Winter Olympic Games Stamps, Postmaster, 10401 Tradeport Orlando, FL, 32862-9993. The Winter Olympics in Albertville, France, less than one month away, were saluted recently by the U.Si Postal Service with a strip of five 29-cent commemoratives.

The stamps depict the sports of ice hockey, figure skating, speed skating, skiing and bobsledding. The stamps were issued in Orlando, site of the 1992 national figure-skating championships, but no formal first-day ceremonies were held. It's not surprising that the Postal Service has scheduled an assortment of stamps for the Olympic Games, both Winter and Summer, the agency is an official sponsor of this year's games, and paid $122 million for the privilege of sponsorship, which permits the Postal Service to depict the five Olympic rings on its stamps. PRINT YOUR ANSWER IN THE CIRCLES BaOW "dn hhvn n.A3Hi ma noinho 0 HDN3H3ia 019 dVH S3LL3WS0D ONHIHS SH 1DS31VS HH1 3bui gjg (um JO) 9H IP8JO I U3HJ03 SS3I -THIS 1HH3HS SJ.I.. 'Jldind 'ail3Bi 'urejaa Isisui 'jbjjom 'aijaag iqumf tuna jumble mam book, pw of moat aumnana bn ACROSS 1 "MyWay" 6 Canter and trot 11 Punctuation marks 16 Spanish-speaking district 17 Range of activity magistrate 79 Like It Hot" 80 In constant motion 81 Suitors 82 Asiatic plants 85 Circus workers 86 Increased 90 Hackneyed 93 River in Italy 94 Knievel 95 Rope or line lead-in 96 Salad fish 97 Fr.

holy women 99 Annie, of "Oklahoma!" 101 Merkelof movies 103 Childless: plural abbr. J1 8 Cylindrical 5 6 7 8 9 10 Ti il i it 1 1 6 17 18 20 22 23 2A iF5 26 I V1 28 rT29 30 jJ1 "p2 ji3 34 J9 40 41 IP4 44 48 49 50 53 54 55 :izin.iiiiiizi3iii 60 Ibl 1 I 11 lb3 64 ltb 68 69 "IO 1 75 76 77 "178 Jm 80 81 62 83 '184 65 1 Jtto IT7 88 "89 "p0 91 98 99 100 101 102 103 1T04 1 Tos Tog T57 13 Table scrap 14 Pierre's father 15 Fleck 16 Wisconsin city 19 Successful plant relocation 20 Believer in a modern religion 23 Robbery 26 Rural structure 28 Indian 32 Betel palm 35 Dark Chinese tea 36 Fast planes 37 Plant shoots 38 Base-stealing maneuvers 39 Tel 41 Antony's loan request? 42 Conspiracies 44 Caesar's fatal date 46 Fern leaf 47 Bus or boat lead-in 48 Church parts 49 Point of view 50 Graceful dance 51 London fortress 52 Pierced with horns 53 Adult insect stage 54 Bowling alleys 55 Scanty 57 Sheltered anchorage 58 Gathering of witches 61 Small souvenirs 62 Apportions 63 Spanish arbor 65 Choir plum 66 Old mariners 67 Light or post lead-in 69 Dogs and cats, often 70 Chest sounds 71 Cross 73 Aggressive person 74 Stays away from home all night 75 American patriotauthor 76 Giving assistance 77 Temporary substitute 78 Moslem 98 Etch designs on 100 City on the Po 102 Legal evictions 104 Stupid or silly fellow 105 Related on mom's side 106 Opens 107 Steno groups 108 Stormed 109 Italian epic poet DOWN 1 Chafing 2 Band on a shield 3 Head of Benjamin's clan 4 Ship of 1492 5 Share expenses 6 Recreation vehicle 7 Sharp mountain crest 8 Gull or leg follower 9 Sesame 10 Regulating valve 11 Drop by 12 Hardy heroine Bing 39 Boxer and caliph 40 show you" 42 Meal or work lead-in 43 hast a name that thou (Rev. 3:1) 45 Narrow slat 46 Herd 47 The south ot France 48 John Jacob and Mary 51 Impure type of sodium carbonate 52 Railroad handcars 56 Schemes 57 Owlish sounds 58 Dove shelters 59 Tourist's need 60 Confessed to a crime 61 Acts servilely 62 Philippine Moslems 63 Frog genus 64 Chang's brother 65 Rescued 66 Part or break off 67 Aged beer 68 Night's pause on a journey 70 Appraised 71 Branching 72 Biblical name 73 Greek physician 74 Intoxicating plant juice 75 Congregation's head 78 Young male horses 79 Reduce lens aperture 83 River islands 84 Degrees in development 86 "Lady Be" (old movie) 87 Wild ox 88 Altar phrase 89 Summer refreshers 90 Ram down 91 High, craggy hill 92 Palm leaf used in thatching 94 Anagram for time 95 Most arid 97 Lean-to and tapered 20 "Norma" composer 21 Instrument for Casals 22 Largest living bird 24 Auk genus 25 Handled 27 Small. sudden explosions 29 Fencing sword 30 polloi 31 Down to the (to the very end) 32 Start of the play 33 Greek letter 34 Japanese aborigine 36 River sediment 37 Sings like Average time of solution: 70 minutes. '1.