Northwest Herald from Woodstock, Illinois • Page 13

COMMUNITY NORTHWEST HERALD Tuesday, October 11, 1988 Page 5 Long-term marriages ending in divorce disturb offspring Mom upset by part-time role with kids in school full time Dear Abb Question: A couple of days ago, my mother told me that she and my father are getting divorced. They have been married for over 30 years and, although there have been problems, I never expected this. I am really feeling hurt and have a sense that my family is falling apart. I don't know what to say to my own two children. People say it shouldn't bother me because I have a family Dear Abby: During the past 10 years, I have raised four children.

The last two are twins. As the school year begins, I see my babies going off to school full time. What happens now? We can't wait until our children say their first words, take their first steps, are finally out of diapers, and then boom, they are off to By Ramsh B. Vamuri, M.D., S.C. Abigail Van Durcn some classes, join a health club the list is endless.

Dear Abby: I do agree with "Irritated in Colorado" but the problem actually refers to how ALL women (not just teen-agers) are addressed. To call a young woman "Honey" is tantamount to calling a young man "Sonny Boy," and I don't think you would do that. Not too long ago, a friend and both in our 60s, were greeted by a clerk with, "What can I do for you GIRLS today?" This is patronizing and demeaning. In a doctor's office, I was waiting for my appointment with a man also about 60. The receptionist said to him, "You may go in now, Mr.

Smith," but when my turn came, she said, "The doctor will see you now, Marilyn." I always correct these people gently but firmly. Often they are surprised because they had not even realized that this is a subtle kind of put-down. Actually, I would like to see all forms of address more formal when people are acquainted only in a business or service situation. First names and pet names are fine for friends and family because they denote an intimacy. However, I resent it from strangers.

Lyn Venable, Walnut Creek, Calif. Dear Ms. Venable: I plead "guilty." I have called someone I did not know well "Honey." But regardless of how that person perceives my motives, I assure you it is not intended as a "sub--tie put-down." Perhaps it is too friendly, in poor taste or presumptuous but never any kind of a put-down or intention to demean. Confidential to You: In the last presidential election, of the 116 million people who were registered to vote, 102 million people actually voted. If you are hot registered, please register.

If you are registered, exercise your right to vote. kindergarten! mm I actually looked forward to their being in school all day, but now that it has happened, I am lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I ask myself if I should take up a hobby or get a job. Or perhaps have another baby? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Are there others out there who have felt this way? Brentwood, N.Y., Mom Dear Mom: You are not crazy, and yes, there are many moms out there who have felt this way.

There's even a name for it the "empty nest syndrome." And the cure is to fill your time with activities that will give you a feeling of accomplishment. If you don't need to seek employment, I recommend volunteering to work with disabled children or adults. Working with the elderly is also very rewarding. How about working for your church, your political party or one of the new groups organized to help the homeless? Take bear in mind that you are not losing either parent. They are still your parents and they still love you.

Build on that. Question: I have been married for 25 years and have twQ children who are on their own. After much thought and soul-searching, I recently asked my husband for a divorce. I do not hate him. I feel our marriage has been stifling for me in many ways and all attempt to change it have been futile.

Now, I just want out. I keep trying to explain this to him and he ranges between rage and tenderness in his reactions to me. More recently, he has taken to putting himself down and claiming he is of no value. He has even talked of suicide. He also believes I have no pain and am cool and calculating.

Nothing could be further from the truth, but this response does seem to indicate how little he really knows me. Why would he assume I have no pain? What makes him take on this self-deprecatr stance that causes him to negate himself and all our years together some of which were good? What can I say to him to ease his pain? Reconci iation is not an option. Answer: Your husband is obviously feeling rejected and unable to see beyond the current status of pain. It may be that he has, to some degree at least, defined himself by your relationship and the loss of this relationship takes away his sense of identity. He may believe that if you do not want him, no one would or he may be fearful that the world will perceive him as "used" or "useless" once the divorce is known.

Threats of suicide are often indicative of a parasitic relationship the notion being "I cannot live without you." As you have indicated, this kind of relationship is often suffocating for the spouse who must give meaning to the other's life. It is hard for this person to separate out the good years and value them. Rather, he believes if he is being rejected now, his lives has been worthless, useless and a total failure. This tendency to globalize the failure of the marriage makes it difficult to focus on potential for the future. With your husband, attempt to maintain your stance without anger.

Continue to point out the good years and point out the future potential for his life. Be firm, encourage him to gain support from his friends and encourage him to seek counseling. This is especially important if suicidal thinking or threats persist. Do not respond to his histrionic or grandstanding behavior. Leave the room or the house if this happens.

Engaging in prolonged emotional tirades is not to either of your advantages. When he is calm, respond to his questions as best you can. Seek help and support for yourself during these difficult times. Questions to Dr. Vemuri are welcome by sending correspondence to: Mind Matters, co Northwest Newspapers, 1 Herald Square, Box 250, Crystal Lake, 60014.

Names are kept confidential and are not used in the column. of my own but it does. I am angry with my father for pushing the divorce, and I can't stand the pain my mother is feeling. I love both my parents, I don't want to lose either of them and I don't want to choose sides. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with both my parents as I have in the past.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe people actually think adults whose parents divorce feel no pain. What can I do with all of this? Answer: The first thing is to be open and honest with your pain, frustrations and anger. Divorce affects all children, no matter what their age. Just because you are an adult does not mean you will not feel great pain and distress over the breakup of your parents' marriage.

However, because you are an adult, you may be better able to cope with a divorce than a child still living at home. You will certainly grieve, but your day-to-day existence will not be greatly altered. This is probably where the insensitivity comes from on the part of those who assume you'll have no pain. When someone you love is in pain, you feel pain. When your parents are in pain or when their lives are being put up, your pain is very great indeed.

However, vorce is something you will all recover from. Your lives will be different in some ways but different need not mean bad. You will find it necessary to create some new holiday traditions. If your parents cannot celebrate a holiday together (some can and some cannot), you may need to extend a celebration out over two days or alternate years, celebrating one year with one parent and the next year with the other. Each family has its own way of resolving these conflicts and many are both creative and helpful for everyone involved.

It is important that you stay in close touch with both of your parents and that you establish new kinds of relationships with them. Try to understand each of their positions without being judgemental and be aware that they are both in pain even though only one may be seeking the divorce. Seek support from friends, clergy and, especially, from others who may have gone through this. Also, Reclaiming a 'too-fat' Fido Petpourri You do it. I do it.

Most of us simply can't resist overfeeding our pets from time to time. And I'm guessing that if you're anything like me, when confronted by Fido's soulful brown eyes, it's nearly impossible to tell him no. Though we don't mean to, overfeeding our pets is a major problem. Seeing them every day, we often don't realize how large the rolls of cellulite hidden under Fido's fur have become. And Lois McAloon SALLE Besides being money down the drain, Dr.

Lewis cites such additions to an already balanced diet as being unnecessary and likely to be harmful. In view of the problems, is it possible to get Fido down to normal proportions and still indulge him in a treat now and then? What to do? Regardless that old habits die hard, Fido can be trimmed down to a leaner vestige of his former self by following some time-tested laws of physics. And you already know what they are: less food; more exercise. First of all, question those suggested feeding charts on the back of the commercial dog food bags. Meant as rough guidelines, most don't really take into consideration your dog's activity level.

After all, the manufacturers make money selling dog food. From their perspective, the more your pooch eats; the better. Next in Fido's reduction program, try feeding two or three small meals rather than one large one. And if you feel that you must supplement, skip the greasy tablescraps in favor of low cal (if any) additions. For example, the water from your cans of water-packed tuna has lots of scent, makes food taste good and is void of calories.

Another special taste treat is tomato juice or sauce. Somewhere (don't ask me where) I read that the acidic properties of tomatoes are healthy for dogs or cats. When added to their regular food, dogs love it. And added in moderation say onethird cup or less it can enhance Fido's dinner, make us feel good and not add all those artery-hardening calories. The field of small animal nutrition is new and narrow; to date there are still many unknowns.

Born out of convenience, the commercial dog foods industry has only come into being within the last 60 years. It's easy to see why the kinks are still being worked out. Small wonder that optimal feeding for dog life stages is still largely unknown. For example, the role various fibers play in a dog's diet is in question. One thing we do know is that calories'he takes in must be burned.

That being the case, you-know-what-cercise is vital to keeping Fido healthy regardless of his age. And while you're out hustling Fido around the block, you're also doing yourself some good. As in humans, exercise calms him down in the process. The Heart of the Tiger THE SCHWEIGER TIGER FRAME it's oh so easy to overin-dulge him in extra goodies. But treats and tidbits and too-full food bowls aren't the only reasons pets get fat.

Neutering is often blamed. In fact, it's the changes brought sabout by neutering that in a roundabout way contribute to the pet's overeating, although they needn't. Changes like living a more sedentary life without the stresses normally associated with reproductive behavior are often the bottom line. Though it takes different forms, stress, as we know too well, can in itself result in overeating for poeple and for pets. Another cause is the "if one is good, more is better" school of feeding, equally harmful.

Ad libitum feeding keeping food available at all times can actually encourage a pet to overeat. Overeating soon turns into obesity which can cause kidney, heart and vascular diseases and even bloat, the fatal ailment also known as gastric torsion. In his paper on harmful feeding practices, Dr. Lon Lewis, clinical veterinary nutritionist, describes over-nutrition as being equally harmful to not meeting minimum nutritional levels. Lewis believes that the dog's life stages ought to be taken into consideration.

In addition to the free-feed system widely popular with many breeders and pet owners, some opt for adding vitaminmineral supplements as well. SINUCOIL Seating System 1. The Sinuloid seating system which combines the kind of coils used in eight-way hand-tied construction with sineous wire to give you increased comfort and durability. 2. Kiln dried hardwood frames that are double dowled, glued and corner blocked for extra strength and support.

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