The Salina Journal from Salina, Kansas • Page 9

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 14, 1999 THE SALINA JOURNAL VALENTINE'S DAY Internet offers the lonely comfort Web sites' creators rebel against romance, Valentine's Day By DANIEL J. VARGAS San Antonio Express News SAN ANTONIO It's Valentine's Day, and for some people, the big day amounts to a little candy heart that says: "You Are Alone." Even for those in a relationship, there's the pressure of gift-giving, dinner and obligatory roses. The pressure, says psychotherapist Dottie J. Miller, "begins in elementary school when we're forced to exchange Valentines," associating how many we get with self-worth. Valentine's baggage No doubt, this day comes with its own matching set of emotional baggage.

"I'm single and the rest of the year I'm fine with it, but on Valentine's Day I feel like something is wrong with me," said Yvonne Benavidez, 30, of San Antonio. "Valentine's Day is the only time of the year when society makes you feel inadequate about being so well-adjusted." In this case, she's not going solo. There's a lonely-hearts (and angst-ridden) club in cyberspace where dozens of anti-Valentine's Day Web sites beat on, reminding us that, as the song goes, "love stinks, yeah, yeah." Commercialism blamed The creators of these sites and their confederates blame the greeting card companies, the confectionery businesses and florists for the mid-February blues. They share bad breakup. stories, and some are even inspired to pen anti-Valentine poetry.

Cupid, the arrow-shooting, loincloth-wearing cherub, isn't spared either. They'd like to try their marksmanship on him. "Remember, Cupid rhymes with Stupid!" reads a line from the Anti-Valentine's Day Page (www.ne- treach.net/(tilde)trishy/vday.html) that features a pink heart cracking in two and links to other anti- Valentine's Web pages. Unrealistic expectations Such angry prose doesn't surprise Kathy Bruni, a licensed professional counselor who has counseled couples and singles for 10 years. She said the pressures of Valentine's Day can be so intense that couples split up to avoid it.

"For couples, it can be a setup for conflict because of idealistic, unattainable expectations that are reinforced by society and the media," she said. "Expensive gifts and fancy places do not capture the essence of love. What it should be is a day to honor your love and commitment to one another." For singles, Bruni offered this advice: "Remind yourself that 'being in a relationship makes you happy' is a myth. Look at the divorce rate. It's also a myth that you need someone else to complete you." So phooey to that heart-wrenching "You complete me" line in the movie "Jerry Maguire." Bruni suggested that couples talk about their plans and focus on more personal and less commercial expressions of love.

Whatever you do, don't overspend or demand something from your partner. It can create resentment. "It can be simple and yet profoundly moving and meaningful," Bruni said. "Don't expect this fairy-tale day." Vengeful tips But if you're content to being anti-Valentine's Day, hit the Net. Some sites offer hateful, even vengeful, tips.

Others post song lyrics: "I can't make you love me, if you don't," (Bonnie Raitt). Here's a sample from the Valentine's Day Can Bite Me page (www.angelfire.com/ma/avideto/v day.html): "I'm not a single young woman bent on giving grief to everyone else who is dating. I want someone to tell me if I'm loved, of their own volition, not because some fabricated greeting- card holiday sponsored by Hallmark compels them." Life MILESTONES B3 VOLUNTEER OPENINGS B6 CROSSWORD B8 "It's a day to show the rest of the world you're in love." Jennifer Burgardt, newlywed wife DISAGREEMENT By GARY DEMUTH The Salina Journal alentine's Day is special for newlyweds Doug and Jennifer Burgardt, but they have very different viewpoints about its meaning in today's world. "It's a day to show the rest of the world you're in love," said Jennifer, 22, her face glowing radiantly. "It's a big day of obligation for men," said Doug, 21, with a wicked smile.

"It's a time when businesses exploit the romantic feelings men need to show." It is the Burgardts" first Valentine's Day as a married couple. The Salina residents and Kansas Wesleyan University seniors were wed in November. The couple expressed their Valentine's Day views during the 1999 Bridal Fair, Feb. 7 at Salina's Bicentennial Center. Jennifer was modeling bridal gowns, and Doug was snapping a multitude of photos, mostly of his wife.

Bringing up the subject of Valentine's Day sparked different reactions from men and women, as well as from couples of different generations. Men saw the day as one of obligation: They felt they had to buy romantic gifts for their significant others because it was expected of them. Women, on the other hand, tended to put less significance on gifts and instead expressed a desire to make every day as romantic as Valentine's Day. Doug Burgardt, a communications major, said he never liked the commercial aspects of Valentine's Day but still had a strong desire to get his bride a special gift. "Star 95 (a Salina FM radio station) is Meaning of Valentine's Day differs for men and women giving away this huge, 8-pound chocolate heart," Doug said.

"If I don't win it Feb. 12, that gives me two whole days to find another gift." Jennifer Burgardt, an elementary education major, doesn't put much stock in the importance of Valentine's Day gifts. "Gifts just don't matter that much. They can come any day of the year, and he surprises me all the time," Jennifer said. "The point is, we're together and sharing our love." Doug nodded in agreement.

He said that one of these years he would like to take Jennifer on a special Valentine's Day trip, perhaps to Maine or Cancun. "Vermont," Jennifer said emphatically. "OK, we'll go to Vermont," Doug said, shrugging. "I've learned to be agreeable. It's easier that way." A special trip Salinan Elizabeth Headrick, 25, is excited to be taking a special trip to see her sweetheart on Valentine's Day.

Headrick's boyfriend is David Meares, pitcher for the Kansas State University baseball team. Because of the team's relentless, out-of-town schedule, the couple have spent the past two Valentine's Days apart. But this year is different. Meares' parents are flying themselves and Headrick to Clemson, S.C., to see the team play. After the game, Headrick said, she and Meares plan to play it by ear.

"I've never even been able to go out to dinner with him on Valentine's Day, because he's off playing baseball, but it's all right, because I know baseball takes priority," Headrick said. "At least this year we'll be together." Something special The ideal Valentine's Day trip for Salinans Bill and Amy Howard, 1806 Valley View, would be a long cruise. "And my child would pay for it, that would be the ideal thing," Amy said. Amy, 40, and Bill, 41, originally want- Newlywed Sali- nans Doug and Jennifer Burgardt share a kiss at the 1999 Bridal Fair Feb. 7 at the Bicentennial Center.

Doug and Jennifer have differing views of Valentine's Day, like other couples the Journal interviewed. MARC HALL The Salina Journal ed to get married on Valentine's Day, but Amy said it.didn't work out the way they'd planned. But the couple, who have been married eight years, said they try to make every day a Valentine's Day. "The expectation level is so high on Valentine's Day to do something special, and that can make it kind of artificial," Bill said. "You should try to do something special for each other every day," Amy said.

A huge bouquet Bob Becker did something special for a girl named Marguerite, and she ended up marrying him. Thirty-four years ago Marguerite Becker was attending St. Mary's of the Plain College in Dodge City. Her boyfriend, Bob, attended Kansas State. Marguerite was feeling bad on Valentine's Day because her popular roommate had received four bouquets of flowers from four different boys.

Though hopeful, she really didn't expect to get anything from Bob. "She didn't think I liked her," said Bob, 53. "She thought I was running around on her." Actually, Bob had gotten Marguerite a Valentine's Day card, but when he saw a friend buy flowers for his girlfriend, Bob thought it was a smart idea to do the same for Marguerite. He threw away the card and bought a bouquet. When the dormitory headmistress called Marguerite downstairs, Marguerite said she was astonished to see this huge bouquet of flowers waiting for her.

See DISAGREE, Page B6 "It's a big day of obligation for men." Doug Burgardt, newlywed husband RELATIONSHIPS Test your interpersonal communication skills, habits DORIS WILD HELMERING St. Louis Post-Dispatch How are your communication skills? Are you a good speaker as well as a good listener? Grab a pencil and check off each item that you answer in the affirmative. 1. You believe in saying what's on your mind. 2.

You sometimes continue to talk even though you know your mate wants to read the mail or your friend wants to get off the telephone. 3. You telephone someone or go into his or her office and immediately get down to business, bringing up the issue you want to discuss. 4. You tend to be the one who carries most of the conversation no matter who you are with.

You've been known to talk on a topic that interests you or feel strongly about for 10 minutes running. 5. You often get into an argument with people on the telephone. 6. You often are asked to speak up or repeat what you have said.

7. You often are met with a quizzical look when you start talking, as though people do not understand you. 8. You tend to get off the track when telling a story and find that you tell two or three side stories in the process. Now let's review your answers.

1. Saying what's on your mind is not the best policy. Many people would fare better in relationships if they didn't let everything they thought come out of their mouths. When in doubt wait, mull it over and then respond. 2.

If you fail to respond to the non- verbal clues of the person you're talking with (her quick responses suggest she wants to get off the telephone), you're covertly sending the message that what you have to say is more important than what she has to do. 3. Getting down to business is admirable, but please start your conversation by saying, "Do you have time to talk for a few minutes?" If the person says no, be courteous. Say, "Give me a call when you do" and then quickly hang up or leave. 4.

Being the one who carries most conversations when you're with others may suggest that you're an informed conversationalist. It also may be an indicator that you're talking too much or that you become anxious when faced with silence. 5. If you fight when on the telephone, you're showing a lack of control and leading with your anger instead of your brains. 6.

If you're frequently asked to speak up, you're mumbling. Mumblers are poor communicators because they take too much energy from others. They're just too hard to listen to. 7. Being met with a quizzical look suggests that you haven't been following the conversation, or you haven't prepared your listener with enough of an introduction.

8. Getting sidelined when telling a story is a good way to annoy your listeners. You invite them to shout, "Give us the bottom line!" SUGGESTIONS? CALL KAREN GILL, LIFE EDITOR, AT (785) 823-6363 OR 1-800-827-6363 OR E-MAIL AT.